Some of my past blog posts about gay men and masculinity, or masculine gay men, or even “if” gay men can look and behave in a masculine manner, continue to be among the most viewed on this blog. They are found when people use a search engine and look up “masculine gay men” or “how to find a masculine gay guy” or “can a guy be gay and masculine.”

I read a blog post dated November 6, 2009, titled The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man. In that post, the author describes some generalities and stereotypes attributed to gay men, and takes some criticism for what he said, as well.

I found the post interesting and consistent with some things that I have said. I believe that it is possible to be gay and to behave in a typical male, masculine manner. I’m just wired that way. There are other gay men who behave more effeminately, who dress more fashionably, who speak with a distinctive voice or sound, and whose behavior is more or less obviously “gay” and therefore, is more likely to be out of the closet.

I contend that there are a number of us guys who are not so obvious in our mannerisms and behavior to be labeled immediately by straight people as being gay. The blog contends: “The reason that homosexual men who don’t fall into the common “girly-man” stereotype do not come out is because of an intense fear of being excommunicated from their social group. Suddenly, once ‘out,’ they are no longer a man.“

I both agree and disagree with this assertion. I had been in the closet for a number of years, primarily for fear of reprisal where I once worked. That’s all behind me with maturity and a change of jobs where being gay is no big deal. There are other gay men where I work, and nobody treats us differently. Some of my gay peers are quite effeminate, and some are not. We all have a job to do, and that’s that. No big deal. I remain a member of my social group which consists primarily of straight people, because they compose the members of the committees, clubs, and activities in which I choose to engage. I do not self-isolate to participate in activities only with other gay people. I like to participate with people who share common interests — not “just” being gay or “just” … well… anything.

The blogger states further: “The typically masculine gay man has no category. He has no home. For him to come out of the closet is to take off a mask that no one knew was there. This kind of personal/sexual revelation makes people uncomfortable because they are forced to ask, Who else? To admit that gay men can be manly men — and not some effeminate subspecies — makes all men ask themselves, ‘could it be me next?’ “

I sense among straight guys who participate in activities in which I participate that they do not ask themselves, “could it be me next,” but rather seem to be questioning their own perceptions of what “being gay” means. I set a different example from what their previously limited exposure to gay people has been. I live in a nice home. I live in a stable, loving relationship. I have a warm and supportive family. I have a full-time job with a regular work week. I work on several local and state political campaigns and even chaired a few in the past. I contribute to the well-being of my community through active involvement and giving my time to help others. That’s just who I am. I am complex, and not easily categorized.

And that’s my point of this particular blog post: the masculine gay man is not easy to categorize. He has his interests, activities, home life, work life, and behavior as any other person does. He may not socialize only with gay people. He may not be the guy wearing a tiara in the next LGBT parade; in fact, he probably even isn’t seen on the sidelines watching. He may, or may not, be the guy dressed in leather at the next gathering of the Great Leather Clan. He may be seen presenting testimony before city or county elected officials. He may be playing recreational sports with friends on the local rugby or softball team. He may be involved with groups that do activities he enjoys. He may be at the sports bar during “the big game” cheering on his team, or hosting “the guys” for a poker and cigar night. He may be helping to care for older parents and loved-ones.

You see, to me, a masculine gay guy is first and foremost, a guy. He is who he is by how comfortable he is in his own skin. Being gay is not his primary raison d’être.

Gay men are all colors of the rainbow, and all have a seat at the table.

Life is short: be who you are.

That’s a great question. A regular reader of this blog asked me this question, so I pondered it and I thought I would post a public response.

I guess I can say that being a biker has made my life more fun. It has given me a good reason to wear boots and leather often, and it has introduced me to some really great people who have become friends with whom I enjoy a shared passion. Riding a motorcycle is a heck of a lot more fun than driving a car. I go crazy cooped up in a cage (as bikers call cars.)

Before my partner became disabled, we rode together frequently, with him as my passenger. We loved riding two-up, and went to some interesting places. Riding together drew us closer so motorcycling impacted our lives by helping to build a strong bond built from having fun together.

Motorcycling has also brought sadness to me, when I witnessed a very close friend get killed by someone who was talking on a cell phone while driving and ran into him, killing him instantly, right before my eyes. That incident has made me very passionate about banning the use of cell phones while driving, which I advocate for before our spineless state General Assembly every year, and will continue to do so until the law passes.

That incident, plus training I have had over the years, has made me much more aware about what is going on around me. I am more vigilant not only when I am operating my Harley, but also when I am driving my truck, or just when I am out and about in general. I pretend that no one else can see me. I try to keep a lot of distance in front, in back, and on both sides of my vehicle. Then if another driver does something stupid, like turn in front of me, weave while yakking, or stop short, I have room around me in which to maneuver or take evasive action.

How has being a biker impacted my life? I do not really know any other ways in which it has. Being “a biker” is only one facet of a complex personality. Sure, I may arrive at a public hearing on my Harley, and I may dress a bit more casually than attorneys who are there in pin-striped suits and dress wingtip shoes and who arrive in their expensive luxury automobiles. But that is how I am anyway — I have often said that my twin brother got the “suit genes” and I got the “jeans genes.” Even if I did not learn how to ride a motorcycle and operate one for over three decades, I think I still would be wearing boots and jeans and shunning dress clothes anyway.

There are some people who apply stereotypes to bikers as they apply stereotypes to gay men. Some ill-informed, closed-minded people expect all bikers to be loud drunken savages who speak derogatorily about women and make boastful comments (positioning their masculinity.) Honestly, most “real” bikers — at least those with whom I hang out — are not like that at all. They are thoughtful, caring, concerned men and women who enjoy the same passion as I do — riding a motorcycle and having fun while doing so safely.

Yes, there are some bikers who behave in ways that fulfill the stereotype. There are gay men who behave in ways that fulfill a negative stereotype as well. We are all different. Some bikers ride with a helmet, boots, and appropriate gear all the time, even if not required by law. These are the responsible bikers who do not drink alcohol if they’re going to ride a bike. These are the bikers with whom I enjoy riding.

There are gay men who work hard, and contribute to society in a number of ways. They care for their families and friends, and help their communities by working as a civic leader (as I do), or serve in a publicly elected position (as I have.) Then there are some gay men who are irresponsible, and expose themselves to serious harm and risk. I won’t describe it — you can figure it out — and these are the gay guys who do not read this blog anyway.

What I am saying is that we are all different, and we as individuals are complex. We have multiple interests, talents, abilities, and approaches to life. Bikers can be gay men and gay men can be bikers, as the two are not mutually exclusive.

Pardon the tangent… how as being a biker impacted MY life? It has brought me fun; it has taught me to be more vigilant; it has helped me to demonstrate to others that the “biker lifestyle” and the “gay lifestyle” are not mutually exclusive.

Life is short: be who you are.

Let me share some of my thoughts on this subject, which include reflections from a fellow gay man who reviewed this post for me and shared great insights. I preface this post a statement that I have no professional, medical, or academic background on sex, sexuality, or sexual identity. My background is from these sources:

• personal experience in living as an open gay man in a committed relationship
• having loving, caring, and supportive family and friends who helped me along the way to become a well-adjusted and socially responsible man
• knowing gay men who have shared their experiences and outlooks. Much of how we view ourselves is compared and contrasted with the viewpoints of others. Even the things we might flatly reject leave an impression on our outlooks.

I realize that if my family were not supportive during my “coming out” process, or if my friends abandoned me, or if I were in an environment at home, school, or work that was restrictive, demeaning, or socially isolated, then things would have turned out much differently. If, for example, my father were a James Dobson-esque closed-mind religious zealot filled with hate, or my mother a Regina Griggs-like ultraconservative bigot, then I probably would have become a nutcase suitable for long-term lockup.

I have stated in previous blog posts that I was born gay, but didn’t know it. I think that’s fairly true of most gay men. Males behave as they are expected to behave by society: that is, go out on dates with girls, have sex with women, talk and think about women sexually, and things of that nature. Men who possess feminine qualities, whether gay or straight, have a much more difficult time in society than the stereotypically butch male.

The problem is that a guy usually goes through puberty and is able to be sexually active before he comes to terms with his sexual identity. I don’t think I am any different from a lot of others — I experimented sexually (with females, males, myself, and fetish interests) long before I accepted the fact that I was gay.

When attempting to think of women sexually doesn’t work, as with me when I realized that I was looking more at the guys than the girls and discovered that my plumbing worked in a particular way… then a guy figures out he is gay and works through a whole lot of “attitude adjustments” both internally and with those around him. That process, often called “coming out” is, to me, a process of coming to terms with one’s sexual identity.

My family always loved me, even if they didn’t understand what “gay” meant. That love was the foundation that made my “coming out” process easier since it lead to my family’s support. Coming out wasn’t easy, and took many years. In many ways, given the closeness of my family, my coming out process couldn’t have occurred in any other way since my family’s love for me wasn’t contingent upon my compliance with a certain set of imposed rules and obligations.

It all boils down to the fact that yeah, I like guys. However, I have to say that sex is not the driving factor for my being gay. Sure, I enjoy sex like any other guy. But there’s more to my sexuality and my gay identity than sex. It’s how I look at and think about my partner. It has a lot to do with love.

Sex is about biology and mechanics. Sexual organs respond favorably in certain conditions whether or not the same or opposite sex pushes those buttons physically. Self-identification as gay, straight, or somewhere in between is more than just who one sexually responds to…it involves the total package of feelings and other issues that attracts us to each other as human beings.

I am so in love with my partner, that being intimate with him is one way that I can demonstrate to him that I love him. Intimacy is a private thing, but an important factor for an ongoing, long-term relationship. But it’s not all sex. There are other things that my partner knows about me that no one else knows. There are fundamental things that we agree on without even having to talk about it. That’s part of intimacy. It’s a deep, abiding bond that holds us together.

I like guys, but since I have been in a monogamous relationship for so long, I’m not interested in sex with anyone else. I might find some guy attractive – after all, just because I am monogamous doesn’t mean that I am blind. Straight guys who I see socially or at the office or around my community or with whom I interact on-line have nothing to fear by interacting with me as a gay guy — I’m not interested in having sex with them. I am interested in what they have to say as a person, and how we might share something together, like go on a motorcycle ride, craft testimony for a public hearing, repair something in an older person’s home, or talk about boots and leather. It is my commitment to my man that that prevents me from having sex with anyone else. It’s no different than any other couple who makes that vow and truly honors it.

In summary, to me, sex, sexuality, and sexual identity are different things. They are related, but not one and the same. I’ll always be more attracted to men than women, but I’ll only have sex with one guy. Does that make any sense?

Life is short: be who you are.

Thanks to “K” for his invaluable insights and ongoing friendship

Updated — the original posting was uncharacteristically critical, and I changed it.

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Gay men sometimes intuitively guess if someone else is gay by engaging in a guessing game using “gaydar.”

What’s “gaydar?” Well, according to an article in Wikipedia:

Gaydar … refers to the intuitive ability to assess someone’s sexual orientation as gay, bisexual, or straight. The function of gaydar relies on usually non-verbal sensory information and intuitions. These include the sensitivity to social behaviors and mannerisms….

My gaydar went off as I observed this young man texting away on his cell phone while he was seated at National Airport across from me.

I did not talk to the guy, but heard him speaking when his cell phone rang. His voice had a distinctive “gay sound.” According to another website, the sound is called a lisp, though not actually a lisp. It is described thusly:

The markers of this speech pattern include higher than normal pitch that changes frequently and rapidly, a breathy tone, long fricatives, and a very careful pronunciation style.

He waved his other hand a lot while speaking, and generally gave off many signals that made my gaydar go off.

Is there anything wrong with that? No… and I never said the guy was or was not gay. It was behaviors I was observing that are similar to behaviors I have observed in some gay men I know. It doesn’t matter if he is or is not gay. What I’m describing is that there are some behaviors that some men do that give signals that other gay men can read.