Cacophony of Munching

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I have always liked the word, “cacophony.” It is so descriptive! The dictionary definition is, “harsh discordance of sound; dissonance.”

My mother-in-law is visiting this week. Sweet old lady, but she has absolutely no table manners at all. And I’m afraid that when my partner spends time with her, his table manners fly out the window. This is what drives me most crazy about my M-I-L: her total lack of table manners. Honestly, I have heard pigs at a trough sound less noisy when eating.

Oh well, another visit in the books. We survived.

Thankfully, as you read this, my partner is taking his Mom back to her home in da ‘burgh. I look forward to a peaceful weekend. I’m afraid, though, when my partner returns on Sunday, I will have to retrain table manners. Oh well, this happens every year. I’m not surprised.

Life is short: eat with utensils and chew with your mouth closed. Please!

You Must Be With… the Fam

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My sister M was involved in a very bad automobile crash on Tuesday afternoon, when some idiot didn’t stop at a cross-street and t-boned her car as she was driving. Fortunately, she has a car with many airbags, all of which were deployed.

She was rushed by ambulance to the closest hospital, which is near where I live. The family “communications vine” lit up. That is, I received several email messages and two phone calls. All we knew was that she was involved in a very bad crash and that she was rushed to the hospital. One can’t help but fear the worst.

I found out about it just about the time I was leaving work. I rode my Harley as fast (yet safely) as I could to the hospital. When I arrived, I had that anxious look on my face, that hospital staff know means, “where’s my family in the emergency room?” Funny, though, the desk attendant said, “you must be with (my sister’s name) … lots of your family are here already” and she pointed to the waiting room. (LOL! yep, our family is known to show up in numbers when one of us is rushed to the hospital. They all know us.)

I saw my sister’s husband, three of her children, five grandchildren, and two more of my siblings in the waiting room. Within the hour, 12 more of the family showed up. The hospital staff was getting a bit anxious because so many of us were there. I must admit, we were a bit noisy. A hospital staffer kept coming in about every five minutes to say, “now, only immediate family can be with her. You all can’t go see her.” I really think they were afraid that we were going to storm the room where my sister was being treated.

We know the rules… we waited. Her husband went to my sister’s treatment room when they allowed the first visitor, and then reported to us about ten minutes later how she was: bruised and battered, but no life-threatening injuries. We were relieved. But to be sure, the docs had to take some more x-rays and tests to make sure there were no internal injuries or broken bones.

The hospital staff let us each have a short visit on a rotating basis (one out, one in). One of us at a time were allowed to go see her and spend five minutes, then come out and let the next person go see her. We kept this family visit rotation going on until she was released. (Actually, I left by 8:30pm, since I had to be in bed by 9pm, and I knew that my sister would be okay. I was informed via email that she was released about 11pm.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I knew that my partner would be worried if I did not arrive home when expected. It took me a while, but I finally reached him and told him that I wouldn’t be home for dinner and did not know when I would get home, but I was okay. He was concerned about my sister, and relieved to know that my delay had nothing to do with a motorcycle crash in which I may have been involved (he always worries about me when he knows I’m riding my Harley.)

When it was my time to see my sister, I held her hand, told her that I loved her, then talked about what she has done that I appreciate so much. From the little things like making me food that I can eat (that is, is compatible with my chronic health condition) at the family dinners, to the big things like helping to educate my Mom that my being gay wasn’t the end of the world. She helped my Mom learn about homosexuality and how to love a gay son. She is, and always has been, my “big sister.” (Yes, I have six more sisters and I love each of them dearly; each one is special to me in her own way).

I am glad that my sister will be okay. I am also glad that — each and every time I see my family — I always make sure that when I am leaving that I stop and say to each one, “I love you.” Honestly, you never know when something may happen that may take them away from you. These three powerful words mean so much.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Considering Blogging?

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Blogging has become a medium in which many people share their thoughts, opinions, ideas, and information about their interests. I started blogging three and a half years ago, and have learned a thing or two.

I have written 25 suggestions about blogging, and whether you haven’t started to write a blog yet, or already have one, these ideas may be helpful to you.

However, in order to comply with Suggestion #3, all you will see on this page are the main headers. Much more detail, in a printable form, are here at this link (which complies with Suggestion #9.)

Take these suggestions for what you will — my thoughts and ideas, not official direction.

1. Choose a stable blogging platform and stick with it.

2. Know that once a blog is around a while, most visitors will find it via an internet search engine.

3. Limit the length of what you write to what can be read in 30 seconds or so, and if you have more content to write, divide it into parts and publish over several posts.

4. Make it readable.

5. Use images on a blog post where possible.

6. Use visual contrast.

7. Don’t get crazy with changing font size, use bold face, or italics too much.

8. Avoid using an underline in a blog post.

9. Use links in blog posts to provide background, references, citations, or to give readers a link to find more detailed information if they want it.

10. Set commenting to be moderated, not automatic.

11: Allow anonymous commenters within your blog comment policy (see below).

12. From the get-go, establish a blog commenting policy.

13. Follow a reliable and regular posting schedule.

14. Write when you think of it.

15. Have some friends on whom you can rely read certain potential blog pieces for you in advance to provide you suggestions on how to improve it.

16. Use good grammar, spelling, punctuation, and choose the right words for what you wish to say.

17. Give up on feeling you have ownership. You don’t.

18. Post images you own or are clearly in the public domain.

19. Remember that once it’s out there, it’s out there.

20. Create a free account on statcounter.com and embed the code in your blog.

21. Create an interesting, personal image header image, not just words.

22. Remember that some readers are color-blind or color-ignorant.

23. A positive attitude is important.

24. Don’t be a quitter.

25: Finally: Have fun as a writer!

Much more detail on these suggestions are on this page of my website in printable form.

Life is short: have fun blogging!

Great Uncle-ing

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Yesterday, BHD’s alter ego became a Great Uncle to twin boys. Makes #39 and 40 of “the greats” in the family (that is, children of BHD’s siblings’ children). His niece, the Mom, is doing fine, and her husband — as usual — showed pictures of the boys on Facebook. Amazing how Facebook has replaced all other forms of communication about the birth of children.

Honestly, BHD’s alter ego wouldn’t know who’s who and born to whom in his humongous family if it weren’t for that social media site. He kinda has a love-hate relationship with it, but it does keep him well informed about what his family, friends, and professional colleagues are doing.

“BHD” is not on Facebook. BHD’s alter-ego, the guy on Facebook, does not “friend” people who he does not know. He uses it strictly to keep up with family, neighbors, motorcycle riding buddies, and colleagues from his profession around the world. This is another way that he strives to keep himself in different worlds. Blog here, Facebook there… LOL! (It is weird talking about myself in the third person! LOL!)

BHD’s alter ego plans to visit the newest additions to the family this coming weekend. He is thrilled — more twin boys in the family! BHD and his twin, J, can share some of our experience which may help their Mom and Dad understand how to be good parents to fraternal twins.

Woo-hoo! both BHD’s alter ego and I are one very happy Great Uncle! (J is too, but this is confusing enough!)

Life is short: love your family!

Lifestyle of the Gay Guy

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Another internet search for “lifestyle of the gay guy” landed a visitor on this blog — to my earlier post titled, Gay “Lifestyle” vs. Sexual Orientation. That post laid it all out fairly well, and does not require repeating, so read it if you have not done so.

I just want to re-iterate that there is a huge difference between a “lifestyle” and being gay (homosexual, same-sex sexual orientation — whatever you want to call it.)

As every man is different, every gay man is different. I live a lifestyle of steadiness. I work for a living in a professional position; I care for my partner, family, and friends in various ways; I lead and participate in civic groups and activities for the betterment of the community where I live; I ride a Harley for fun as well as transportation; I am financially frugal (some may even call me “cheap”) and do not owe any debt; I wear boots and not shoes — and never wear sandals; I wear leather because I like it (though not in summer heat).

My partner and I are probably like many other gay couples, but because gay men like us usually don’t have blogs or websites, there isn’t much information about regular gay guys like us. Usually, guys like us are fairly quiet, and live a respectable life like any other couple — gay or straight.

There are other gay men whose actions and behaviors are more visible on the Internet, and thus give other people false impressions that all gay men live a lifestyle of debauchery. Impressions abound of gay guys flitting around from this hot restaurant to that new dance venue to the gay event in such-and-such a place. Yes, some gay guys do that. Some don’t. The lifestyle one chooses to lead is his choice.

We all know straight guys who do things that are problematic — like not being able to hold a job, have a stable relationship, engage in unlawful activities, or are so overextended financially that they are barely avoiding homelessness. Same thing applies to gay guys. Some are stable and contribute to their niche of society, and some are not.

These are all lifestyle issues — how one chooses to live. That has nothing to do with being gay or not. Seriously.

I do realize that my “lifestyle” in choosing to eat all of our meals at home, assiduously avoiding getting a smart phone, not traveling anywhere for vacation, and pretty much being a “home-body” is uncommon — but there are straight “home bodies” too. These decisions I have made which form the basis of my lifestyle have nothing to do with my sexual orientation.

So back to the topic — what is the lifestyle of a gay guy? Hmmm… look around. Ask yourself “what is my lifestyle?” and you will have your answer. If you’re straight, there are gay guys who live pretty much like you do. If you are gay, there are straight guys who live like you do, too. No differences.

Life is short: don’t let stereotypes and media hype cause you to be misinformed and use woefully inaccurate language.

How to Pull Off the Cowboy Look for Men

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My website has “made it” LOL!  I just discovered that the “eHow Style” website article by the title, “How to Pull Off a Cowboy Look for Men” used my Cowboy Boots and Jeans tutorial as a reference. That just cracks me up.

However, I can tell from all the internet searches that land visitors to that tutorial that a huge number of people look for that kind of information every.single.day.

Here’s my take on this question.

First, if you’re not a cowboy, then don’t be a pretender. The old Urban Cowboy fad-trend is long over. (In fact, anyone under 40 probably doesn’t know that I am referring to a movie that came out in 1980.)

Back on track… a lot of guys appreciate the relaxed, comfortable appearance of western wear. Jeans, t-shirt, ballcap, belt w/buckle, and cowboy boots… that’s it. Simple.

Belt with belt buckle? Sure … just don’t wear one of those “plate” buckles that rodeo cowboys wear (at the rodeo). A simple 2″ x 3″ rectangular or oval belt buckle, that perhaps shows the initial of your last name or has an interesting inlay design … that’s enough. In my opinion, don’t wear a buckle that advertises a brand of beer, boots, or cigarettes. That spells “dimestore cowboy” a mile away.

Stetson or Resistol cowboy hat? Really? You think cowboys wear 10-gallon hats regularly? Nope…. Perhaps for a semi-dressy occasion (as shown with a shirt and tie), or when actually riding a horse, attending a rodeo, or going to a stock show, you may see some guys wearing a traditional cowboy hat. Usually, when a cowboy hat is worn in warm weather, it is made of straw, because a straw hat is lighter and doesn’t get hot. Felt hats are warmer, heavier, and are worn in cooler months.

Most guys into the western-wear look (because that’s how they regularly dress) wear a ballcap. Yeah, a regular cap with a brim over the forehead, but not around the whole head. And don’t be silly — if you wear a ballcap, wear it with the brim facing forward, over your forehead — don’t wear it backwards. Again, guys who wear ballcaps backwards are fodder for ridicule because that’s just not how that kind of hat is worn by adult men. And note: most guys wear a hat. The sun in the U.S. Midwest and West is brutal on the scalp! Wear a hat for your protection and keep the sun off your head so you don’t fry your brains. Seriously. Hats help a lot in strong sunlight.

Boots? Well, there are a LOT of choices. Most guys wear plain leather cowboy boots, and occasionally exotic skins like ostrich, lizard, or python. Leather colors of black, brown, black cherry, or tan, and the boots have few accents or inlays. Usually you’ll find rounded toes, but the more pointed toes are not unusual. Heel height is usually a roper heel (1-2cm) or a walking heel (3-4cm). Cowboys (and those into the style) do not wear heels higher than that.

I have to be honest, lots of guys in my (former) home state of Oklahoma wear sneakers more often than boots. But if you really want the cowboy look, you gotta wear boots. And definitely not sandals or shorts!

Jeans? Regular Wranglers look great — or Levis, Carhartt, or Dickies — but not the cheap-o jeans from Walmart (they may be more affordable, but aren’t of good quality and often do not fit well.) Straight-leg regular blue denim jeans are most common. You don’t really need “boot cut” jeans but you can get them if you want more of a flare of your jeans over boots. Don’t get designer jeans, baggy, or low-rise jeans — definitely not “in” for Western style.

Get your jeans long enough to touch the tops of your boots, and gently fold on top of the boot, with the bottom of the leg in the back coming to the top of the heel. When jeans gently fold on top of the boot when you are standing, this is called “stacking” or “stacked jeans.” Don’t get jeans longer than that, ’cause you’ll trip, or shorter than that, ’cause it looks dorky.

And, guys, wear a belt. Nothing looks more ridiculous than seeing your underwear poking up around the back of your butt, or worse, your butt crack when you bend over. Have some dignity!

Tuck your jeans into your boots? Naaah… not really. I may do that for photos on my website, but when you look at guys who dress western on a regular basis, none of them wear pants or jeans tucked into their boots unless they are actually riding a horse or competing in a rodeo.

Shirt? As the referenced eHow-Style article says, a t-shirt is most common. While the article recommends a plain white t-shirt, I see lots of Western-style men wearing all sorts of t-shirts that have something printed on them. Your school, state, military branch of service, car or motorcycle brand, or supported charity — that’s all fine. A t-shirt that promotes drinking alcohol or has sexist or political statements on it is not a good idea. Nor are shirts that have various quotes (that shouldn’t be repeated on a G-rated blog). They tend to reflect poorly on the wearer (and really aren’t funny).

In cooler weather, a flannel or denim shirt is also a good choice. Many Western-style men wear shirts in all colors from blue to pink to red to yellow to green to purple. It really doesn’t matter, despite what the eHow or design/style guys say (IMHO!) Just one thing about shirts: make sure it fits, and tuck it in. Nothing looks more silly than a really baggy shirt hanging over a beer belly. Even bigger guys with some girth look better with a shirt that fits well and is tucked in.

As I began this post — many guys like the casual, comfortable style of western wear and like to “dress cowboy.” That’s fine, as long as you keep the look simple. It is easy to spot those who try too hard. You don’t need to. A ballcap, t-shirt, belt with a buckle, blue jeans and boots do the trick. That’s all you need.

Life is short: be comfortable in cowboy clothing.

Visitors

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Oh goodie, some visitors have been here and more are coming! Loyal readers of this blog know that my reclusive partner hates having company stay with us, but there are a few exceptions.

Earlier this week, a cousin who I love dearly stayed two nights with us. Among the dozens of my first cousins, she is closest to me in age, and also the one with whom I fought like a sibling the entire time we were growing up. She lives in Florida, but came to DC for a meeting. I was tickled to have her stay with me two nights. Being a nurse by profession, she helped my partner understand some issues related to his brain tumor, and helped him be more comfortable and understanding about his situation.

I loved having her here, even so briefly. And despite how far apart we are in geography, our conversation picked up right where we left off, like no time had elapsed since we last saw each other earlier this year for a family funeral. Of course, we have ongoing and regular dialogue via Facebook, where she often leaves witty and humorous comments for me. Love ya lots, F!

Last night, I had an unexpected house guest. A senior pal who lives alone came to stay overnight because her air conditioning stopped working. There’s no way that she could tolerate the heat. She did not want to stay in a hotel due to the cost. I insisted that she come stay with us. It was nice to have her here, especially since my partner had left to drive to Pittsburgh to pick up his Mom. I don’t like to rattle around in our house all alone. (Plus, it was too damn hot to do anything, anyway!)

This afternoon (Saturday), my M-I-L (mother-in-law) arrives for her usual summer week-long haunting visit. I will do my best to make her feel welcome. I anticipate that, as usual, she will eat us out of house-and-home, but that’s okay. I’m glad she likes my cooking. Unlike the last few summers, I will be working full-time at my (new) office on weekdays, so I will only see her when I get home from work and in the evenings. That’s fine; my partner is taking vacation time to dote on her. Bless him; he is very dedicated to his Mom and I love him for how well he takes care of her every need.

One week from today, my twin brother will arrive. He has some meetings in DC, and will be officially retiring from 32 years of service to our country. His wife will arrive the week after that, and I expect they will stay with us for most of August. What a real treat to have my “little” bro and his wife with us for so long. I am very much looking forward to their visit.

In mid-August, my partner will have surgery to have that pesky non-cancerous tumor removed. We will be blessed to have family right here with us to assist with the care my partner will require as he recovers. I have not earned much vacation time yet in my new job, but I plan to take one week off from the date of my partner’s surgery and for a week after that. But I am confident that he will be in good hands when I return to work, because my brother, soulmate, bestest friend, will be right here. (And my partner adores him as much as I do.)

No time for more blogging… gotta go clean house…

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 3

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This is the third (and last) in a series of blog posts about relationships between straight and gay men. See Is It Hard for Straight Men to Be Around Gay Men?” from July 20, and “Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2” from July 21.

This is a guest blog piece from a straight friend who is sharing his thoughts about the issue of relationships between straight and gay men.

This guy has been a friend of mine since we met in first grade.

Dear (you),

I read your email and the post on that blog that you referred me to. I found that article mildly offensive at first, because I said to myself, “I’m not like that.” But then I thought about it, and realized that indeed I am like that sometimes with gay people I don’t know. I find myself creating more space between me and someone I know or think is gay, and I have found myself avoiding them (I don’t go to the gay pride celebrations at work, for example.)

I realized that since I grew up in a strict Catholic environment, that my perceptions of what “gay” was were influenced by the Church, my family, and my friends. I know that I have felt uncomfortable around gay people, but did not realize why. I would not say that I felt digusted. That is a very strong word. But I agree that I never understood why a man would not enjoy intimate relationships with a woman. I also felt revolted (? too strong … but highly uncomfortable) by two things: the mere thought of two men having sex with each other, and also how some gay people act — frilly and flamboyant.

I know from knowing you for what, some 48 years?, that not all gay people are the same. You have remained the same, steady, strong friend I grew up with. You were there as an usher in our wedding, when our kids were born, and helped me finish our basement. Over my wife’s objections, you taught our oldest son how to ride a motorcycle safely. You cut through the county red tape so that my twin daughters could do a significant service project and win their honors in the Girl Scouts. In so many ways, you have been closely entwined with our family, and we remain grateful and appreciative.

That made me think — we have no aversion to you (as that blog post says.) Why? Because I knew you before you identified as being gay. I did not notice that you changed when you became more open about being gay, other than your self-confidence seemed to improve, and you became more relaxed and self-assured.

We have grown to admire and like your partner, too. While we don’t see him that often, we know that he cares for you a lot and we can see how much you love him, and he loves you. Your strong bond of commitment is parallel to what my wife teaches through her work in the Church’s Relationship Education program.

I also think that how I feel about you may be different from how I feel about other gay people because you act like a man. What I am saying is that I have never understood why some gay men act so flamey. You know what I mean. You have taught me that all gay people are not the same. I have to admit that I would be more distant if you behaved the way gay people come across on TV or on the news during those gay pride parades.

I remember one time that my older brother asked me about you and our relationship when he found out you were gay. I distinctly remember him asking me if I wouldn’t be seeing you any more. I was put in the uncomfortable situation of defending our friendship. Then I thought about it, and told my brother that you’re the same guy we always knew, and that he should change — not you. He didn’t say anything to me again.

Thank you for the chance to explain, and to comment. I have never written for a blog before — or even read yours until this week. But I will always be your friend, and appreciate your friendship in return. See you next week at the crab feast!

T

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2

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This is a follow-up to my blog post from yesterday titled, “Is It Hard For Straight Men To Be Around Gay Men?”

The following is a guest blog piece. It was written by Kevin, a friend who frequently contributes to this blog. He is gay (so when he refers to “us,” he is referring to gay men).

I appreciate having such an intelligent, thoughtful friend to bounce ideas like this off of. He always responds with well thought-out ideas. Tune in tomorrow for Part 3, written by a straight friend of mine with his perspective.

Kevin shares his insightful commentary with us:

I found the post you reference to be quite interesting. The author makes a good point as he is willing to address his fear. He correctly identifies the fear of what others will think as a primary motivation for homophobic behavior. It’s also a fear of how he will be treated by those he now disagrees with.

Let’s face it, many of us remained in the closet because of the fear of rejection. Where we risk rejection by choosing to live the lives we were intended to because that’s the way we’re wired, our straight allies risk rejection for choosing to say to their friends, family, and co-workers that they no longer believe in the same things in quite the same way.

As people we gravitate to those who make us feel comfortable and with whom we share common values and outlooks. I look to lessons learned during the civil rights struggles where sympathetic whites were sometimes subjected to even greater cruelties because they were seen as traitors. An even more on-point example is the reaction of some to Cuomo in New York in calling on the Catholic Church to deny him communion because of his support of same-sex marriage.

Sympathetic straights also come under scrutiny by both camps. The homophobes may question their sexuality, but the LGBT community will always view them as outsiders who truly don’t understand us. Since “gay” has come to be far more inclusive than other differences, there’s a pressure to accept all or nothing. Our own sense of identity as LGBT individuals vary widely as we strive to carve a niche for ourselves that incorporates this trait of sexuality but doesn’t serve as our primary designation. However, sympathetic straights aren’t always given this latitude. So we now have the fear of being judged because of an inability to accept the extreme as well as the conservative.

But those fears only scratch the surface since they deal with how to relate to others. I believe the true fear is that being exposed to that which makes us uncomfortable, forces us to examine what we believe and why we believe it.

As it relates to homosexuality, I believe the true issue lies in what we believe about men and women. We have a long way to go before men will view women as equals. The roles of husband and wife and attitudes about women are still fairly entrenched in the Victorian era. The man is dominant and the woman submissive. In those instances where dominant women existed, property laws were firmly in place to ensure male dominance.

For a straight man to physically distance himself from a gay man suggests that he views human interaction in terms of mating behavior. In his mind, when sexuality is introduced, the knowledge that another man is gay suggests that the man’s only interest in him is sexually motivated. After all, his primary interest in interacting with women is based on this metric, so it stands to reason that the same applies to gay men in our relation to all other men. If he perceives himself as bigger and stronger than the gay man, he thinks of him as the woman. He views himself in the opposite light if the gay man is bigger and stronger. Either way he feels uncomfortable.

Some straight men profess to consider homosexuality wrong but have little problem with lesbianism when presented for their entertainment and control. The pornography industry has capitalized upon this for decades. Those same men have problems with gay men because those same rules of dominance and submissiveness don’t readily apply yet they try to force the dynamic. One must be the woman and the other the man in the relationship.

Yet, when one looks at the top/bottom dynamic in some gay relationships, our society affords men with privilege that still forces one to look at the relationship as one of equals. Straight women may fall into a similar expectation of behavior. Those who offer the loudest protest to same-sex relationships seem to believe that somehow they lack something that only men can bring to the relationship. Talk of equal partnership is just talk at the end of the day. For these women, the Victorian sensibilities as they relate to men, women, sexuality, and sexual intercourse are what they seek.

I appreciate Kevin’s insights, and hope you find his post and thoughts as intellectually interesting as I have.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 written by a straight friend of mine.

Is It Hard for Straight Men to Be Around Gay Men?

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This is a bit of a reverse-take on a previous post on this blog where I opined about the difficulties of being a gay guy and socializing with (some) straight men.

I found an article on another blog titled, “Are All Straight Men Homophobic?” (Ed note 08/18: blog not available any more). In that article, the author (who is straight) describes feelings and behaviors that straight guys have around gay people. He says:

  • “For the most part, when a gay man is in the presence of straight men it can be the most uncomfortable situation for the latter group.”
  • “Straight men are so afraid of being perceived as gay that they act extra macho and get kind of nervous.”
  • “…I don’t want to make any kind of eye contact whatsoever [with a guy I think is gay]. My face screws up and my eyes trail down to the floor or off to the side. Anywhere but the direction of that individual. Uh uh, buddy, you’re not making googly eyes with me.”
  • “I know I’m not alone, straight guys tense up all the time in the presence of a gay man. Why? It just makes us very uncomfortable for various reasons.”
  • “I bet if a gay person were to walk up to a straight man and randomly pick lint off his collar that the straight guy would jump back like he saw a ghost. That, and probably be ready to fight. But would he have the same reaction if it were an attractive woman doing the exact same thing?”
  • “It’s all about perception. It’s like there are straight men who feel that just by being in the presence of a gay man that the gay will somehow rub off on them and make them look weak, soft or like a punk.”

And from some comments on that blog post:

  • “Some of that fear or anger towards gay men may be some men’s own personal anger with gay men being able to be so open and comfortable about their sexuality. If you look at our society, a gay woman is way more accepted than a gay man will ever be.”
  • The LGBT Community would like to think that people are scared of them in attempt to shame people of their “cowardice”. But the truth is people just flat out disagree with the lifestyle. [N.B.: He claims that he isn’t afraid as he does not approve of the gay “lifestyle.” Oh cripes, please review my previous post about the difference between sexual orientation and a Gay “Lifestyle”. Many straight people just don’t get it.]
  • …. Fear has nothing to do with the disgust some have in seeing something they do not value. …. [T]he truth of the matter, those who society deems as “homophobic” are in fact anti-gay.” [N.B.: so this commenter differentiates between being anti-gay and homophobic. Hmmm… interesting.]

I found this blog post enlightening, and it confirms a lot of behaviors that I see straight guys around me do — they avoid eye contact, create an even larger physical personal space between them and me, and behave with even more macho mannerisms than I observe them behave around other guys who they know are straight. I had always thought that they were afraid of me — and some of them seem to behave that way by backing off, being quiet, and totally avoiding any interaction with me whatsoever. Fear may be part of what drives this behavior. But it is also aversion — aversion to being around something that they just do not like. At all. (Some may call it disgust.)

I can relate, in a way. I am disgusted when I am around some straight guys who use profanity in every-other-word that they utter; who make sexist comments regularly; or who oogle women overtly (undressing them with their eyes.) I am disgusted by that behavior and those remarks.

I learned (or shall I say, some of my thinking was reaffirmed) that there are some guys who are disgusted by the mere fact that I am gay. And it gets worse, sometimes, when they find out that I live in a same-sex relationship. To them, the mere thought that I might have sex with another man is disgusting — and puzzling. They just don’t understand why I would not want to have sexual pleasure with a woman.

As far as I am concerned, I have endured straight men being uncomfortable around me for most of my life, but I never really put a finger on the reasons for that behavior being caused by more than fear (homophobia). Now I have.

I am who I am, and am comfortable in my own skin and with my own sexuality. I don’t talk about my sexuality as a “preference” — it IS an orientation. I’m gay. So be it.

Some straight guys can deal with their own discomfort and minimize it. Some of these guys who have known me for a long time don’t even think about the fact that I’m gay. We’re tight, as buddies. None of my close (straight) buddies would flinch if I picked a piece of lint of his collar. But the (straight) guys who I see occasionally, such as in my motorcycle club, behave more like what was described in the reviewed blog post than my close friends do. They react with a combination of fear, aversion, and disgust.

Okay, I get it. But to the straight guys who behave this way — know that your behavior is noticed. Sometimes the behavior of backing away, avoiding eye contact, and keeping a large physical distance between us can be taken very personally by a gay guy, and he gets hurt. I have to be honest, I used to feel hurt quite a bit by observing the “back away” reactions of straight guys when they figured out (or I told them) that I am gay.

I do not get hurt any more. I realize that some straight guys can’t handle, or don’t want to handle, the fact that I am gay. Some guys are insecure in their own manhood, like being associated with me can remove it from them. I also realize that some straight guys are anti-gay. More than dislike, they really hate the thought of anything involving a same-sex relationship more intimate than a handshake.

I get it. I truly get it. And in this case, the Serenity Prayer applies, “to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

And I continue to live as I always do: I care for my family and friends; I work hard for a living; I contribute to society through voluntarism; I lead groups and organizations; I ride a Harley with an organized group for fun. I am a confident, masculine man who happens to be gay. So be it. Getting to know me will not threaten your manhood and make you less straight, as it would not make me “less gay.” We are who we are.

Tune in tomorrow for a guest blog contribution and follow-up to this piece by a good friend who has contributed a lot to this blog and whose thoughts on this matter are truly insightful.

Life is short: understand.