When Did You Become Gay?

Posted on by

I received an email the other day from someone with whom I grew up, but after high school, we had lost touch. We saw each other at high school reunions and shared pleasantries, always with the closing comment of “let’s keep in touch…,” but for one reason or another, we didn’t.

Anyway, my former high school classmate wrote to me the other day and told me that a Google search revealed this blog, and in it, my classmate recognized my photo, then read the lines that I state in my profile, “I am just your average monogamously partnered gay guy next door…”.

The email asked, “when did you become gay?” Like it was a chronic affliction. Reading between the lines, I saw some degree of puzzlement, concern, and inquiry without trying to be judgmental. Taking this question directly as written, there are a number of ways I could go with it.

I decided before I responded to ask for more information — what did my former classmate want to know? The response was quick and more direct: “when did you know you were gay? Were you gay in high school? Did you have a [relationship] with [former classmate known-at-the-time-to-be-gay]?”

I could answer all of those questions:

  • I didn’t really understand that I was gay until later, when I reached my early 20s.
  • Yes, I was gay in high school, because I believe I was born gay; however, I didn’t act on those interests. I really didn’t know at the time what my sexual orientation was.
  • While [former classmate referred to] and I were in several of the same classes, no, I did not have sex with him. I just treated him like anyone else — a friend with whom I grew up and with whom I shared some classes.

The only question that my former classmate asked that I could not answer without being rude or snarky was, “why?”

Why? Why am I gay? That again resulted in my asking for more information so that I didn’t take it the wrong way. And his response was rather direct: “Why Did You Become Gay?”

I decided to reply with a clinical response: It is genetically related to chromosome Xq28, according to this study.

I did not hear back from my former classmate. I am uncertain if I will. I hope I answered the question without being critical or sounding offended at being asked. Since email lacks tone and visual cues, it is hard to interpret what was being asked and how to respond. I decided to remain non-judgmental, not take offense, and just answer the question. However, I can’t help but feel that this former classmate is among the misinformed who believe that being gay is a choice. I really do not believe that I could “become gay” as much as I could “become” someone of another race. My sexual orientation is that innate (to me.)

Life is short: be who you are.

Post 600 and Still Going

Posted on by

Welcome to my 600th blog post. Most of the time you are reading posts that I have written a week or two ago. I write several posts at a time and save them for posting each day, unless I choose to post something about a timely or time-sensitive topic.

Having been in the blogosphere for almost (but not quite) two years, here are some things that I have learned:

  • In order to keep people coming back, you need to post fairly often. Perhaps not every day, but certainly more often than once a month or less.
  • 80% of blog visitors come from Google searches, so choosing the topic title is important — that’s what Google indexes on first.
  • Most of my blog visitors continue to find my site by using a search engine, rather than bookmark the URL. I think bookmarking is a relic of the web 1.0 times and only us old codgers remember how to do that.
  • I am happy to say that at least 100 of my daily visitors have used the “Google friend connect” feature, and come visit this blog that way.
  • Most blog visitors read the day’s message then surf on. Unlike websites, blog readers read one page and leave, while website visitors may surf around much more on the site.
  • Images posted on blogs rank high on search engine image searches. Post a photo of yourself, and within hours, it will appear in an image search. Lesson, then, is to be careful with the file name of the photo. If, for example, you don’t want your name revealed, then don’t use your name as a file name for a photo.
  • People who know you will find your blog, even if you don’t tell them about it. I see my neighbors in my home town, and in Rockville, Potomac, Gaithersburg, and Germantown, visit my blog (and website) regularly.
  • You can’t keep your family from joining in and making comments (snicker)
  • People who are gay and are open about it on a blog (as I am) may occasionally suffer the consequences of someone who has stereotypical misperceptions about gay people try to post rude, snarky, dumb-ass, inappropriate comments. Two lesson from this: a) you have to set the commenting up for approval before publishing (a feature blogger offers); and b) you have to establish an anonymous commenting policy.
  • For a personal blog, if you do not have much time to manage comments and deal with criticism, then don’t talk about politics or religion.
  • Blogger is not all “wysiwyg” — it really helps if you know HTML so you can fix persistent errors with formatting and specific placement of photos if there is more than one photo within a blog post.
  • Blogging can be a great experience, can serve as a catharsis sometimes, and can be fun. When it stops being fun and seems like a drudge and you choose to stop blogging, then take down the blog so it doesn’t keep coming back to others in internet searches.
  • I do not know if this is true about all blogs, but I have observed that for this U.S.-based blog, more than half of my some 500 daily visitors are from Europe and Australia, with a few from Hong Kong and Japan. None are from China (because China blocks access to anything on blogspot within mainland China).
  • I wish to thank my fellow blogger, Straightjacketed, for linking from his ‘Straight-Acting’ blog to mine — he wins the prize for “delivering” the most visitors from another blog link.

In calendar year 2009, I have posted something on this blog each day. I have posted twice on a few days. Mostly, though, I have settled into a daily routine.

I hope you, my visitors, find my blog posts interesting, entertaining, or at least mildly amusing. Thanks for joining me here in the blogosphere. Remember to keep smiling, and surf on!

Life is short: keep blogging!

The Dreaded Flu

Posted on by

Yep, I got it. Despite frequent hand-washing, somehow I have come down with the flu. Since I got a seasonal flu shot several weeks ago, I suspect, then, that I have H1N1. Yuck. I am so achy and sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I have a fever and am congested.

I started feeling the symptoms on Saturday afternoon, so I guess it was a good thing that I did not go on that all-day motorcycle ride after all. Saturday night, I was miserable. Same with all day Sunday and Sunday night.

I did make a batch of my amazingly curative home-made Italian chicken soup. I was able to eat some of it, though I have to admit that I do not have much of an appetite.

I am resting, drinking my fluids, resting, drinking more fluids, taking aspirin, drinking fluids, and resting. Oh, I guess I should say that I am not going to work until after the fever breaks.

Please do not give me medical advice… there is enough of that in the family, thanks. I can not tolerate Ibuprofen, Motrin, Naproxin, or related NSAID OTC drugs. The only thing I can handle is aspirin. I can take acetominophen, but it doesn’t do a thing for me (it does not reduce fever or body aches, so why bother with something that is not effective for me?)

My partner has been a trooper, getting juice for me and helping as best he can, yet maintain his distance. We fear, as close as we live together, that he is next.

Oh well, it goes to show that no matter how careful you are, it is still possible to get exposed to this bug.

This blog will probably go “on autopilot” for a while. I will blog again when I am better. Meanwhile, enjoy reading things that have been building up.

Ride Or Wuss Out?

Posted on by

I admit it… I “wussed out.” That is, my motorcycle club had a ride scheduled yesterday that revisited an annual odd but fun event that I went to last year.

However, unlike last year, it was 32°F (0°C) at the time I would have had to leave my home to meet up with the others. That’s freezing. Man-oh-man, that’s below my limit of tolerance. I do not have heated riding gear, and do not intend to get it. While I love to ride my Harley, I have my limits. Riding in freezing weather, even with heated gear, is just no fun. Plus, this ride yesterday included going over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. Man, if it’s cold on the highway, it’s absolutely frigid on the bridge.

So I made the tough but realistic decision not to go on the ride. Some avid cold-weather bikers may imply that the decision was an act of cowardice. Some may simply say that I “wussed out.” However, I dealt with competing choices. Did I really want to be exposed to that deep morning cold for a ride? How would I feel about being gone for a whole day and not seeing my elderly aunt who needs daily attention? Would my three sweet old ladies who I take grocery shopping be able to wait a day with short notice? How would I feel about my partner struggling through his disability in doing autumn chores such as raking leaves and preparing our home for winter, which he would try to do without me?

While I would have enjoyed going on the ride, the weather contributed to my decision not to go this year. Had it been warmer, I would have worked it out. The cold really made the decision for me. The results are a cleaner yard, leafless gutters, and a happier partner (not necessarily in that order.)

After doing all the work around the house, I did get the Harley out and gas it up and take a short ride, so all was not for naught.

Life is short: do what you have to do!

Memories On A 100th Birthday

Posted on by

Shown is a photo of me and my sweet uncle, for whom I cared in the winter of his life until his peaceful passing at home in September, 2005. This photo was taken just two weeks before he died.

Had my uncle still been living, today would mark his 100th birthday.

I was at his wife’s home this morning, doing my usual things such as paying bills and balancing her checkbook, reviewing her meds and ensuring she had an adequate supply, and just sitting and chatting. It helps older people to have someone to talk to, listen, and share memories and stories. Her memory is failing due to symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease. She had forgotten that today was her husband’s birthday.

We shared stories, laughed, and remembered the good times. I will never forget how fundamentally my sweet uncle changed my life. You see, in his last year of life on this Earth, his physical health was failing. He had to go to the doctor often. He was frustrated because his mind was still good, but he knew his body was not being cooperative. Man, he hated to have to use a wheelchair to get around.

I had left my previous job and took almost a year to spend time with him. We would visit, laugh, and enjoy what he referred to as his “lasts.” His last dinner at a restaurant. His last visit to a horse race. His last meal with our large family. His last crab feast. His last meal of pasta con sarde. His last visit to our home where he enjoyed strolling and sitting in the gardens, regaling history with my partner. In his last August, on an unusually cool and sunny morning, I got him in his wheelchair and we took a “walk.” We strolled around his retirement community for six hours over four miles. We talked about everything under the sun. We would stop and watch the wildlife, smell the roses, and just smile.

That summer was the most bittersweet of my life. I knew my uncle was preparing to die. He faced his death with dignity and courage. He wanted to remain at home, but his doctors required that he have ongoing care from someone more able-bodied than his wife to provide that care. I was in the fortunate position to do that. In his last few months, I spent most of my days and often many nights with him.

I am not a trained medical care attendant, but I learned from people who taught me how to provide gentle caring attention. How to help him bathe. How to help him use the bathroom. How to help him live comfortably with as little pain as possible.

He had lost his ability to see well enough to read. I would read him the daily newspaper from cover to cover. He would rant and rave about the activities (or lack thereof) by the last President. He would scream about the evil Deputy President. He would express concern about how people were being treated (or mistreated) who suffered a major calamity caused by the wrath of a hurricane for which response actions were exceptionally inadequate. These conversations kept his mind active, and helped me to learn so much.

I miss my uncle very much, but I have no regrets. He died on his own terms, in his own home, with his loving wife of 64 years by his side. I remember as he awoke from his last difficult night, he motioned to me. I held his hand. He seemed to be trying to tell me something. I thought, “a drink of water?” “do you need to go to the bathroom?”

Instead, he pulled me closer, opened his blue eyes wide, and said, “thank you. You have a lot to do so get going.” That was his famous expression to dismiss us when he was tired. In past years, my partner and I would take the signal and leave, so he could rest. In this case, I just continued to hold his hand. He closed his eyes, then stopped breathing. He just quietly passed away, with peace, honor, and his dignity intact.

Happy birthday, my sweet uncle. How much I learned from you. How much you cared for me, for my partner, and for your lovely wife for whom I still provide daily attention.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Snuggling On A Cold Night

Posted on by

With the whirlwind of activity and things going on in my life over the past week, including an unusually raucous “roast” that my family subjected me to at our weekly family dinner last night to get my mind off some bad news, I just needed some peace, quiet, closeness and comfort when I got home. Who better to do that with than my partner?

He works so hard and does so many things for me that I do not want him to think that I am taking him for granted. One of the ways how I show my man that I love him is to sit with him, hold him, be held by him, and enjoy the peaceful warmth of our closeness. And we needed that warmth, because it was about the coldest night of this autumn so far (close to freezing).

In leather, or without… in his warm fuzzy flannel PJs, or not… just us. Friday nights often are our “quiet time” that we use to rejuvenate and maintain our close, warm relationship. We may listen to some soft music or we may just sit in silence.

Last night was definitely one of those nights when we both needed that closeness. I continue to count my very rich blessings by having someone who is my “best half” and who cares for and loves me so deeply always be there to hold me. (I also count my blessings by having my family and friends who support me as well; yet I am certain that they recognize that the most important person in my life is my partner.)

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Cowboy Boots and Jeans

Posted on by

I am always amazed at the huge number of visitors to my website’s page on “Wearing Cowboy Boots” who find it by entering phrases like “how to wear cowboy boots” or “do you wear jeans inside or outside of cowboy boots” or “how to you wear jeans with cowboy boots” into a search engine.

Now, to be honest, most guys wear jeans over boots. Jeans are worn “stacked,” meaning the jeans are long enough to fold softly across the foot and across the back of the boot, but not lower than the heel. More information and instructions are on my “Wearing Cowboy Boots” page.

However, if you have nice boots, you could consider wearing jeans inside them from time to time. My pictographic “jeans and cowboy boots” tutorial is visited at least 1,000 times each week. In observing the high frequency of these visits, I decided to update it by showing a simpler method of how to hold the jeans down inside cowboy boots. Come visit the page and see … it’s simple.

Life is short: wear your boots!

Best Value Motorcycle Boots

Posted on by

I am writing this in response to several Google searches that continue to end up on this blog, on my post about “best motorcycle boots.” There is a difference between all the “bests”:

  • Best quality motorcycle boots
  • Best motorcycle boots for long-day comfort
  • Best value motorcycle boots

Let me offer some of my opinions for each of these qualifications. Remember, these are my opinions and yours or your Uncle Pete who has been riding since forever may be different. I have been riding a motorcycle for more than 30 years, and have tried and worn probably over 200 pairs of boots while riding during that time. I summarized this experience along with some research in my Guide to Motorcycle Boots that has won rave reviews and upon which this blog post is based.

In my post on “best motorcycle boots,” I commented on the durability, sole, comfort, fit, and value of Chippewa Firefighter Boots. I still believe that Chippewa Firefighter Boots fit all of those criteria exceptionally well.

But in the three categories listed above, here are some more of my opinions.

Best quality motorcycle boots: By far, the best quality motorcycle boots must be Wesco Boots. Currently I have 11 pairs of Wesco Boots and I find that their quality and durability is second-to-none. You can tell that by the construction and attention to detail, as each pair of boots is “built” individually by skilled bootmakers working at their facility in Scappoose, Oregon. Their “Boss” and harness motorcycle boots are of exceptional quality, and will last well beyond the lifetime of the wearer.

Features of quality in a motorcycle boot that I look for include:

  • All leather construction (no plastic anywhere)
  • true Vibram soles (not cheap rubber, “nitrile,” or similar knock-offs).
  • stitched, not glued, soles. Boots with stitched soles can be resoled if necessary.
  • leather lined boot shafts.
  • Materials and craftsmanship that shows in every detail of construction. There are no blemishes in the leather, and all stress points are double-stitched.

By all means, Wesco Boots are the best quality, but they are about the most expensive of the “biker boot” variety (motorcycle police patrol boots can be equally as costly, but that’s for another blog post.) However, Wesco boots are also the heaviest of all biker boots, and boots that are heavy to lug around on the feet can become uncomfortable on a long day’s ride.

Most comfortable motorcycle boots: Face it, a long day in the saddle means that you have to accommodate anything that can cause discomfort on a ride. The feet that begin to hurt if the boots you’re wearing are too tight, too loose, flimsy, or heavy. You can’t count the number of times that you have to bend and flex your knees and put your boot down on pavement while stopped. You put pressure on your feet when operating a motorcycle and when taking breaks, and certainly when you arrive at your destination by walking around. Sometimes destinations involve hiking or walking on rocky terrain, so a comfortable motorcycle boot will do double-duty, serving both to provide protection to a motorcyclist, but also as a hiking boot.

A comfortable motorcycle boot will have built-in high-quality insoles, and the boot will be lined with leather or specialized fabrics (like Cambrelle). The boot can be short or tall, but no taller than the back of the knee while seated. (If the boot is taller than that, it will grind against the back of the knee and cause sores.)

Also, a comfortable motorcycle boot will “break well” at the ankle. What I mean by this is that the bend of the boot in the back where the shaft meets the foot — often right at the height of the soft tissue at the back of the ankle — is straight across and doesn’t bend sideways. A “bad break” is all too easily felt when the inside of the boot rubs against the ankle and causes blisters or bleeding sores. Good “shortie” boots have a padded ankle collar which prevents this problem from happening. Good tall boots perhaps need some “training” at the ankle before wearing them regularly.

Personally, I have found that Chippewa oil-tanned Engineer Boots are about the most comfortable of the traditional “biker boots” I have worn. They are well-constructed, have replaceable soles, and are durable. I have had one pair of these boots for over 20 years and they are holding up fine, even when they have tromped through mud or water.

Best value motorcycle boots: So this brings me to what I think are the best value today in motorcycle boots. Sometimes it is easier to say what is NOT the best value: Boots that cost less than US$100. There is a reason for that — poor quality materials (including blemished leather or leather feet and plastic shafts), workmanship that may include child labor in poorer countries, glued soles, and soles made of soft material that will leave black melt-marks on hot motorcycle pipes. Unfortunately, most “Harley-Davidson” and “X-element” brand boots fall into this category.

What, to me, composes good value for an investment are boots that will be able to withstand the typical uses that a motorcyclist will subject them to: lots of flexing at the ankles and a need for “grip” by the sole on pavement when stopping and starting a bike. The soles should be replaceable, so they should not be glued on. That’s why the cheaper boots referenced above are not a good value, because they have glued soles. Also, often cheap boots are unlined, which actually makes them hotter on the feet, and less comfortable.

Boots with good value will last for years of typical regular use. That’s why I continue to go back to Chippewa Boots for both value as well as comfort. You can get them short or tall, and know they will last a long time. They are not expensive when you consider that you are making a long-term investment. Think of it this way: spend US$89 on a pair of boots and wear them for a couple years, then they fall apart or you need to replace the soles and you can’t because they are glued, not stitched. So in one or two years, you have to buy another pair. Alternatively, spend US$200 on a pair of Chippewa boots, and they will last ten or more years even with heavy use. Annualizing the cost, the Chippewas “cost less than half” as much as the cheaper boots cost. That is how you compute value. Don’t go for cheap — go for “relative expense” compared with “a boot’s lifetime.”

My two cents. What are yours?

Life is short: wear your boots!

Taking The High Road

Posted on by

I have been confronted with a very difficult situation in my life, which could be, to some people, very upsetting when it comes to evaluating one’s self-worth and perception of same. Yeah, it’s that serious.

No, nothing is wrong with my health. My partner is fine. Our home is okay. My family is okay. I wasn’t fired. I did not lose an election (we did not have any elections yesterday where I live). Read between the lines to determine what else it could be.

I could respond to this situation in a negative manner. I could burn bridges and respond with a rather snarky tune. I could be hard on myself and play “shoulda, woulda, coulda.” I could lay blame and point fingers.

Instead, after several days of very careful introspection, discussion with my partner, and listening to advice from family and close friends who I trust and who care for me, I decided to take the high road. That is, I am going to work through this situation and work toward my future, and do it professionally, competently, and peacefully. The importance of listening to your heart in all the decisions you make is another facet of taking the high road. And it is my heart’s intent to consider this setback as a minor bump in the road rather than something worse (or permit it to become something worse by allowing it to consume me).

If anything I have learned, reacting with anger and emotion to an upsetting setback can create long-term consequences that can haunt someone for a lifetime. Internalizing misfortune can breed failure. That is, if one thinks he is a failure, then he will be one. If one imagines future success, then one is more likely to be successful. It is as simple as that.

I have begun to take specific steps and actions to respond deliberately and positively to what could be, if I let it, a horrible set-back. But I won’t let it. I won’t let “them” win. As my partner said, “you’re the winner so act like one.”

That’s who I am, and how I behave. It is hard. Believe me, it’s rough. I have not been sleeping well and I still have some difficult thoughts and emotions to deal with. But because of the net that surrounds me, I may fall but I won’t be broken. Not with the strength of the net who support me: my partner, my family, and my closest friends. I have reached out to that net, and they are there, holding me and my net firmly. I am so richly blessed, and sincerely appreciative.

Life events like this remind us not to settle in our work, relationships, and how we live. It’s when we settle for acceptable, mediocre, or worse — and not what our heart believes — that we may feel that life has served lemons.

Life is short: when you feel that life gives you lemons, make lemonade (sweetened with the love of those holding up your net!)

Words can not express my gratitude to those who hold my net and support me; in particular, to J, AZ, and K who helped me with this post.

Leather CHP Uniform Breeches

Posted on by

This is a little story about a response to something I have had posted on my website for years: my Guide to Assembling a CHP uniform.

In that Guide, I recommend not to get a full leather CHP uniform. That’s because most guys wear it at leather fetish events which are most often held in very dark places, like a bar. Wearing a light colored leather uniform makes the wearer stand out in a crowd, which isn’t so bad unless one wants to appear like a neon sign. That’s my opinion, anyway. Also, light colors tend to make heavier guys appear even bigger. Thus, the rare times I go to such functions, I choose to wear my LAPD leather uniform which is midnight blue. It’s more flattering to my ‘figure’ and less obvious, especially under black lights.

Anyway, someone who makes CHP uniform breeches and shirts in leather sent me a pair of breeches to try out. He suggested that I wear them for a while and let him know what I thought. He did not request that I change my opinion, but wanted me to have a chance to see what the breeches were like.

The breeches are comfortable. The leather is rather thin: I estimate 4 – 5oz leather. That’s not bad — these breeches will be good to use when riding my Harley in warmer weather, and preferably with a dark shirt or jacket and a pair of Patrol Boots. However, I absolutely must have a zipper installed in the fly. The cheap snaps that came on these breeches tend to open all by themselves. I really don’t want that to happen out in public (evil grin).

Some photos of these breeches now appear on my website.

My opinion about light-colored leatherwear remains the same. These are bright and definitely would stand out in a dark bar. I still will choose to wear black or midnight blue to fetish events… my partner’s opinion is the same as my own: I look better that way.

Life is short: wear your leather, and stand by your opinions!