Wesco Boots — Gay?

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Someone visited the post on this website titled, Wesco Boots and Gay Culture and attempted to leave a comment on that post. The post was written on December 27, 2008, but continues to rank high in Google searches.

The person made a number of broad generalizations and asked a number of questions, so his statements fit best in an entire blog post rather than a comment on a post that is almost a year old. (By the way, the plural of “Wesco” is “Wescos” — in American English, one does NOT add an apostrophe to make a word plural.)

I shared that guy’s message with several straight and gay friends varying in age from 23 to 68 who like to wear boots. Following are some things this commenter said, and the responses I received from my friends. Interestingly, there really was not a difference in response or reaction between straight and gay men. Below, “SG” means “straight guy” and “GG” means “gay guy.”

I love these boots, but I don’t get a hard-on for ’em like all these gay fetishist that obsess over them.

GG: He’s correct in observing, and reinforcing the statement from your original post that some gay men have a fetish interest in boots and like you he appreciates the boots because of their style, function and quality workmanship. It’s funny how easily we think that what we see on-line and via YouTube is highly representative of current thought and practice. It’s been my observation that those who take the time to create video do so not from the perspective of showing life as it exists, but from a creative or artistic eye that is meant to entertain more so than to be instructive. Extremes get the most attention and in a sea of millions of videos, it’s the extreme that allows your video to be seen and not overlooked or ignored.

GG: He may see more gay men who have a fetish interest as the authors of the videos because by and large this demographic has been more exposed to role playing venues where the boots, leather, and Tom of Finland inspired scenes have been such a staple in gay culture. So, it’s easy to see how a creative medium like YouTube and web would have more gay men creating these images.

GG: Interest in the power these boots may represent can’t only be confined to those with fetish interest. Wesco boots are sturdy and come with lug soles, for the most part, and harness and engineer boot styles were originally worn by men who worked in professions associated with strength. There is also the association of power produced by 50s icons like Brando and James Dean that has clearly left a mark on our society’s perception of the boots. The characters these men created spoke to the personal power of the rebel who called his own shots. Taken in this context, the boots were seen as highly masculine and it’s this concept that many masculine gay men found attractive. There are just as many, if not more, straight men who were inspired by this image. Unfortunately, they’re not the ones creating the on-line images, for the most part.

My interest in these boots are for their function and style and quality workmanship.

SG: Many guys wear them for protection for their jobs/hobbies etc. With those guys, their boots are just another piece of gear and thats all they are. They don’t think twice about them.

I’ve never touched or seen a pair of these boss boots, only from the internet and your videos and everywhere I look, there are these “GG Allen” types licking them and being all gay with them.

GG: Who is GG Allen? [I think he means GG Allin, who died in 1993. He was a punk rocker, and was rather perverse in his antics on stage. I had to look this up, because I didn’t know who he was, either.]

SG: His past observations about one crazy punk rocker influence him now.

GG: He (the writer) watches too many YouTube videos. He should know that what he sees on YouTube isn’t what the majority of men who wear Wesco boots are like. Think about it: would a straight guy post a video of himself in a pair of Wesco Boots just walking around, riding his motorcycle, or smoking? Of course not. Guys who post on YouTube usually are showing some sort of fetish interest.

My concern, is how gay are the boots?

SG: My guess is if the guy is thinking Wescos and gay go hand-in-hand then something in his past caused that association. Also, when you see sites on the web showing the boots – as with most boots, they seem to somehow be connected to a gay or sex related site.

GG: I’ve never heard Wesco boots being labeled as “gay”

GG: If they are “gay boots,” I want more!

You say, “It’s all about the boots. Boot up. When I’m on my HARLEY.” Like the gay community stole the rainbow. And Hitler stole the “Chaplin” Moustache. The KKK stole pointy robes.

GG: He’s afraid of guilt by association. It’s only when we begin wearing something new that people take notice. By and large, in the real off-line world, after the first few weeks, gays and straights could care less about your choice of footwear. That’s not to say that some will leap to conclusions, but people will leap to erroneous conclusions regardless of what he chooses to wear and his point about co-opted styles can be easily said any number of clothing choices. Of course, all this gets thrown out of the window if he finds himself in the Castro or in a leather bar. LOL But, as you’ve pointed out on your blog, there are a good number of gay men attending leather bars wearing sneakers and jeans. Sometimes a banana is just a banana.

SG: What does he mean by you wearing Wesco boots on your Harley and then immediately say that the gay community stole the rainbow? What do these two things have to do with each other? This guy doesn’t make any sense.

No comparison to gay people, I’m just talking styles, that have almost become like their proprietary ‘uniform’ in a sense.

GG: If Wesco boots have become the “uniform” of gay people, then this guy doesn’t know many gay men. I think he watches too many videos on YouTube which are causing many misperceptions in his mind.

GG: The gay friends who I hang out with never would wear Wesco boots. Heck, most of them won’t wear boots at all.

SG: He almost makes it sound as though without support from the gay community, Wesco would go out of business. How ridiculous. That is like believing that companies that make colored handkerchiefs are dependent on the gay community for their existence or Doc Martens depend on restless teens and rock stars to survive.

You seem friendly and nice, and flaming homosexuals are free and fun, but many of the Wesco Boot Fetishists seem pretty hardcore. Like, I wouldn’t want to hang out with most of them.

GG: I’d venture to say that he wouldn’t find himself at places frequented by the Wesco Boot Fetishists as he terms them. Any one of us runs the risk of unwanted attention because someone perceives we are like-minded because of what we’ve chosen to wear. Even the most confident of us have periods of self-doubt about our appearance. We are conditioned to believe that appearances are important. It’s a way we try to make sense of things. But, at the end of the day, we all have to ask ourselves if we can not just live with our decisions, but with our regrets created by giving in to our insecurities and deciding against wearing what we like.

GG: He is making assumptions based on some of the more “active” videos he is seeing on YouTube.

SG: I guess he saw too many pictures from Folsom Street [Fair in San Francisco]. While I can’t imagine wearing some of that leatherwear in public, on the other hand my curiosity could ask what it might feel like to wear it, just as I am curious what it would be like to don a full set of football gear (from pads to cleats) or professional ice hockey equipment. I also wonder if, in that sea of leather-clad men, any of those men are straight and how well they might be accepted.

SG: I am a hardcore biker. I wear Wescos. You think he thinks I am going to challenge him to a fight?

So is wearing these super-gay boots the equivalent to a girl wearing a slutty dress, in your eyes? Like, If I was wearing the uniform of these GG Allen Leather Boys, Is that asking for gay trouble?

SG: Where did that come from? Yes, many gay men may enjoy wearing Wescos or any other boots for that matter but so what. Many straight men wear boots and possibly for the same reason that gay men do. It is what the boots feel like, the appearance they give (Masculine) and perhaps sexual stimulation. Can a straight man be “turned on” (sexually) by wearing boots or seeing other men in boots. Absolutely. It is the boots, not the gender of the person wearing them.

GG: You are asking for trouble from Gay Guys by holding such narrow, incorrect, points of view. [BHD] did not publish your comment because you refused to identify yourself. Would you dare say something like that in public? I doubt it.

SG: Wescos are not “super gay”. This guy is way off base and has jumped to a lot of conclusions, again probably from what he is seeing on YouTube.

Would I have to constantly explain myself to “booted men” that I’m not into sodomy, I just like gay boots? Thanks for taking the time, and I really hope you can shine some light on this.

GG: You would only have to explain yourself if you opened your mouth and stuff like this fell out of it. You’re way off base.

SG: This guy said that he doesn’t even own a pair of Wesco boots, and he probably never will because he is so obsessed over perceptions about them, and jumped to conclusions based on observations from what he has been seeing on the Internet.

SG: He has to realize that most straight guys who wear Wesco boots — linemen, cable guys, and so forth — don’t post information about their footwear on the internet. Guys who do post about Wesco boots on the internet, including youtube, are giving him a false impression.

GG: As long as he keeps referring to Wesco Boots as “gay boots,” he has much to learn. He probably should not get any, because he is so far off base and it seems that he has already made up his mind.

BHD says — Life is short: Wear your Wescos (if you’re man enough!) Thanks to my friends who provided review and feedback for me. Out of respect for them, I am not revealing who they are — even their screen names — which would be recognized by many who frequent “Boots on Line.”

Cowboy Boots and Jeans Google Searches

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The following searches were done recently, and all ended up on my Jeans and Cowboy Boots page on my website. It continues to amaze me that at least 200 people visit my web page about jeans and cowboy boots every single day.

Information about cowboy boots (and jeans) is searched much more often than I thought. I will refrain from speculating why — other than to say that searching on the Internet is done so often now, rather than asking someone in person. It is faster, easier, and gives you a choice of answers to pick from (whether right or wrong, good or bad.)

Here goes — I have divided the searches by categories as indicated. Note: these were searches done by people in the United States and Canada. One might figure that people outside the U.S. & Canada who are unfamiliar with cowboy boots and customs may have more questions, so I did not include non-U.S./Canadian search results on this list.)

Jeans and Cowboy Boots

  • Jeans men wear with cowboy boots
  • What is stacked jeans?
  • Do you have to have boot cut jeans with boots?
  • Best jeans for cowboy boots
  • Do cowboys iron their jeans?

Responses (my opinions): most guys choose to wear Wrangler jeans with cowboy boots. Wranglers have the thick rolled seam on the outside, instead of the inside, of the leg. Cowboys and bikers choose jeans with the rolled seam on the outside so it doesn’t rub against the leg pressed against the saddle of a horse or motorcycle (thought I do NOT recommend wearing cowboy boots with leather soles when operating a motorbike.)

Most men choose straight-leg jeans to wear with boots. Boot Cut jeans have a slightly flared (wider) leg opening, but this isn’t necessary. It is mostly a marketing ploy designed to get you to pay more for the cut of the jeans, rather than get any improved functionality from them. And no, most guys (cowboys or not) do not iron their jeans. Just wash and dry and that’s it.

Stacked jeans means, simply, that the jeans are long enough to rest with soft folds (“stack”) on top of the boot foot, but not be so long as to be lower than the top of the heel (or fray by dragging on the floor).

Wearing Cowboy Boots

  • How to wear cowboy boots
  • How to put on cowboy boots

Responses: I am puzzled why someone would search “how to wear cowboy boots.” Ummm… pull them on, stand up, walk. What else is there to know? Stand and stride confidently, held held high? Be proud? Smile? Then the question, “how to put on cowboy boots” — that’s easy. Sit down, pull up the leg of your jeans, and pull the boots on. Repeat with the other leg. You’re done.

Jeans Inside Boots

If there is anything that people obsess over more about cowboy boots and jeans is the ongoing question about wearing jeans inside boots — or not. Here is what was searched:

  • Can men wear their jeans inside their boots?
  • Do guys tuck pants into boots?
  • Why do cowboys tuck their jeans into their boots?
  • What does it mean when pants are tucked into cowboy boots?
  • Men with their pants inside the boot

Responses (my opinions): Yes, men can and sometimes do wear jeans inside boots. It doesn’t “mean” anything about the person who does it, yet others seem to be afraid of what other people may think. My observations (here in the United States) are that most men wear jeans over cowboy boots, except boots like Buckaroos, which are more often worn with jeans inside them than over them. Overall, my opinion is that if you have nice boots and want to show them off, then tuck your jeans into them. If you obsess about what other people may think of you doing that, then forget the boots and wear sneakers. Life is too short to worry about other people’s opinions, and you will arrive at this conclusion with time and maturity.

Why do cowboys tuck their jeans into boots? It comes from an old tradition of doing that since the Roman and Greek times, mostly to protect the lower leg with stronger, more firmer protection of the leather on the boot shaft. Doing so also makes it easier to keep the jeans clean and not be exposed to dirt, mud, and gunk that may fly up from a horse’s hooves.

Other Unusual and Amusing Cowboy Boot Related Searches

Here are some other searches related to cowboy boots that I saw come in:

  • Rules for wearing cowboy boots
  • How to wear tall boots with jeans men
  • What boots do real cowboys wear?
  • Should I wear cowboy boots?
  • Wear jeans over cowboy

Responses (my opinions): The only “rules” for wearing cowboy boots are: 1) wear what fits you and your lifestyle best; 2) stand tall, walk confidently, and remember to smile! That’s it — simple as that!

How to wear tall boots with jeans? I think this may be going back to some of what was above about wearing jeans and boots, or wearing jeans inside boots. “How” to do it? Use this trick: sit down, and pull the sock on your left leg up over the end of your jeans. Pull the jeans down to smooth them, and make sure the inside and outside seams of your jeans run down both sides of your legs. Repeat with your right leg. Then pull on your boots. Smooth the jeans into the boots to reduce puckering of the jeans fabric at the top of the boot shaft. Stand up, stand tall, walk proudly. Smile!

What boots do “real” cowboys wear? Good question. Most working ranchers and riders may wear solid, sturdy boots like Buckaroos while actually riding a horse and working with cattle. When the go to town, you will often see them in ropers, which have a short shaft and rounded toe. The traditional, 13″ cowboy boot with fancier stitching and design is worn more for dressy occasions, and by some men in the U.S. Midwest, South, plains & mountain states, and Southwest, to work (even with a suit.) I have observed that a rounded toe or squared toe is more common than a pointed toe, but that is a matter of personal preference and varies widely.

If you have to ask, “should I wear cowboy boots,” then you probably shouldn’t. You’re obsessing too much. Let go, relax, and wear your boots, but don’t fret over whether you should or shouldn’t. It is a personal decision, made by YOU, not the opinions of other people around you.

I close with a final funny: wear jeans over cowboy. Yeah, I know what happened here, but it still amuses me by conjuring up some pretty ridiculous images in my mind. I will leave it to your imagination. (giggle)

Life is short: wear your cowboy boots!

Role Model?

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I received an email message from a young guy, age 15, who said that he visited my bootedman.com website and this blog. I do not knowingly communicate with people under age 21 via email (family excepted) because I do not want anyone for any reason to think that I am trying to have interactions (however benign) with people who are not considered adults in the eyes of the law. These days, you can’t be too careful. That is why it says on my “write-to-me” page that you can send me email, but if you are under 21, I will not write back.

This young guy said, “I look up to you greatly because of your collection and lifestyle. I have a bit of a boot fetish (Especially Cowboys and Cops in Boots) and I think it is grand that you share your collection.”

Well, thanks. Remember now, I’m considerably older and have worked for what I have for 34 years since I was emancipated. My boot collection has grown over many years. I look at it this way: some guys collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect (and wear) boots. Everyone should have at least one hobby to keep them interested, and as long as they can afford it and have room to keep it, then go for it!

Further, he said, “I am way in the closet and I wish to be out, but my Religious Homophobic Parents are holding me back.”

I am very sorry about that. I do not know you or your family, but I realize that it must be hard when parents who love you do not really know who you are. I sense you are Internet savvy and can find groups who can help you. Be assured, you are not the first and you are not alone. There are other young guys in your same situation. Hold close to your family, as they are all you have. But work toward your independence to become the man you want to be.

This young guy continues, “I want a pair of boots badly, but they don’t look right on me and not to mention my parents would be in constant question mode.”

The question about how boots look on a person is a matter of self-perception. Perhaps boots he has tried have not been to his liking. Perhaps he is concerned about the perception or comments from others. Young people notice everything, and it is unfortunate but quite common that they will made snide remarks. I hate to say it, but it is all part of growing up. Place those comments in the virtual trash can and choose boots that you like and fit well. Then stand tall, smile, and walk with confidence. Expect derision, which is a frequent teenage custom, but just hold your head high and hold your tongue. Soon, if they don’t get a reaction from you, they will move on to pick on someone else.

I observe that parents who care about their children are always in constant question mode. It indicates that they are interested in you, which is a much better place to be than to be ignored. I remember when I was about 14 and wanted a pair of Frye Boots badly. I went to my Mom to ask for her help to get them. I had saved money from mowing lawns and doing odd jobs, but I needed her to drive me to the store so I could try them on.

I asked, and of course my Mom said, “why do you want those boots?” (sorta with a mutter, “of all things!”) I had prepared for that question. I decided not to say, “all the guys in school wear them” to which my Mom would undoubtedly have replied, “so if they all jumped off a cliff, would you jump with them?” [This is a perennial parental come-back to ‘all my friends do this or have that’].

Instead, I remember that I explained to my Mom about what I liked about the boots and how well they were made. I framed my answer that such good quality boots would last a long time (they have! I still have 12 pairs!) I think I remember explaining all of the characteristics about the stitching, leather soles, quality of leather, and so forth. I based my argument on quality and durability, rather than on just wants and desires. My Mom listened, and said, “okay.” Off we went, and I got my Fryes. (Remember, back in the 70s, Frye Boots were made in the U.S. from quality materials, instead of how cheaply they are made now in China via a company that owns the Frye brand name.)

The young man continued in his email by saying, “When I move out, I want to start my own boot collection, and hopefully will find a man with similar interests.”

Just take it one step at a time. When you move out, concentrate on becoming an independent person. Work, get an education, pay your bills, keep a roof over your head, and keep moving toward your goals. Sure, buy a pair of boots when you can afford them, but don’t do that if you can’t, or if you would go into debt. There are reasons to carry debt, such as for a mortgage on a home of your own. But there really isn’t a reason to carry a credit card balance over months (or years) just for boots. A home is a “need.” Boots are a “want.” Keep the differences in mind and your financial priorities straight.

Find a man with similar interests? Man, I could blog about that for days. Sure, it is nice if the guy with whom you choose to develop a long-term relationship likes boots, but it is far more important if he is an honest, caring, thoughtful, and financially pragmatic guy. Do it like I did with my partner, who didn’t have a pair of boots to his name when we met: we developed our relationship first, then I introduced him to boots. While he seldom wears them, he will. For me.

In closing, the writer said, “When I see photos of you and your partner, it gives me hope that there is someone out there for me.”

I always believe that there is someone for everyone. It takes time, so don’t push it. It is a totally unscientific observation, but gay guys take more time to find a mate and settle down. I was 35 when I met my guy, but I know in my heart that waiting was the absolute right thing to do, because I met the man who became my heart, my soul, my love, my one-and-only. And my heart didn’t get broken in the meantime.

Thanks for the message — and thanks to all for reading. I know this was long, but there was a lot for me to talk about here!

Life is short: keep the faith (and do it in boots)!

Being Consumed

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This time of year is always busy. My life at work transitions to doing more things than regular work, such as the going to the requisite office holiday party and attending receptions hosted by offices of local agencies and organizations that I frequent. I’m not the party-boy, but I stop in, say hi, give greetings and wish good cheer … then skedaddle. On top of this, I have a short out-of-town business trip next week. I hope I can just fly in, meet, and get back home as quickly as I can, and not encounter travel delays.

Community-life transitions to being invited to holiday parties and other social occasions. My lovely partner, the world’s #1 recluse, declines to join me, and generally, I limit the visits when possible … but it’s not always possible.

Family-life transitions to more holiday stuff as well. Four family Christmas parties before Christmas day compete with other demands for time. But I love my family, and won’t be a stranger.

Home-life transitions to decorating for Christmas (we’re all done, yippie!), and getting ready for my annual bread-baking that I do at Christmastime. I make a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread for all of the neighbors, plus a couple dozen senior buds. I probably go through 100 pounds of flour, if not more….

All of this is additional to regular things I do — work full-time, and serve as a community volunteer and civic leader by night, whilst the other half of my time includes doing household handyman chores for senior friends, whilst the remaining 99% of my time includes caring for my dear elderly aunt…. not to mention my partner, and not ignoring him and his needs (just to have me with him “more than less.”)

Then I finally broke down and opened a Facebook account last Friday. Gosh, that thing can be consuming. I have, however, connected with several long-lost friends from high school and college, political life, buddies from Down Under, and so on. Hundreds of “friends” have piled on within just a few days. Sheesh, I didn’t know I knew so many people. I have been hearing more from younger family members who communicate regularly through that thing, and think email is such a dinosaur, they seldom use it. Oh heck, this ol’ dinosaur is finally moving a bit more forward, while trying to keep those activities in check.

Add all these things together: the pressures of work-work, personal work, and holiday time are taking their toll. Thus, not much is happening on my “booted” website. I’m kinda weary and don’t have much Christmas spirit (yet). I’m sure I’ll “get there” soon enough. But right now, I feel like a dog just thrown into a pond, paddling ferociously.

Gosh, I haven’t even done my Christmas cards yet. Thank goodness, though, I did finish my Christmas shopping back in July. Else I truly think that I would be overwhelmed.

Life is short: do what you have to do!

The Blue Bell

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110 years ago, when my maternal grandmother was enjoying her first Christmas with her newly wed husband, he gave her a hand-blown little blue bell. You can see it here in the lower middle of this photo.

It is a cherished family heirloom that enjoys a prominent location on our Christmas tree.

When we were kids, my Mom would unwrap the little blue bell and hang it on our family’s tree, and tell us the story of her mother and this little bell. It has been in our family for only three generations, and lives with me now. I cherish it. The bell brings many happy memories of my childhood Christmases, my grandmother, and my Mom.

Yesterday when my partner and I were decorating our home for Christmas, we put our tree up. We have lots of decorations — an eclectic assortment of family heirlooms and newer pieces that he and I have acquired. But nothing means more to us than this little blue bell.

When my Mom died, she left a note: “Please ensure the little blue Christmas bell goes to [BHD]. He loved it so. It’s my gift to him and [his partner], to enjoy on their tree as they begin a life in their new house.”

You see, my Mom died just three weeks before the house that I built for my partner and me was completed. She and my partner planned all of its furnishings and decorations … down to what things would look like at Christmas. I regret that she never saw our house, particularly at Christmas. But that little blue bell is her living memory which we so enjoy.

Life is short: remember happy thoughts of loved-ones.

Combatting Snow

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No, not really. The weather weasels were correct, though, when they told us that we might get our first accumulating snow yesterday.

They made their prognostication on Friday morning. As usual, everyone in the DC area freaked out, and flocked to the grocery stores to buy everything, including the requisite milk, eggs, and diapers (even if they don’t have infants at home.)

I had to take two elderly friends grocery shopping early yesterday morning before any snow was falling. I was prepared for a mob at the store, and was pleasantly surprised to see rather light activity. I asked a manager at the store about it, and she said, “just wait… whatever they didn’t buy yesterday, they will come back to buy the minute they see a flake of snow.” And she was right. I was not surprised to find that many of the store’s shelves were picked clean. As we were leaving, it was just beginning to snow, and the cars were queuing up in the parking lot. It never fails.

We were right on the rain/snow line for this minor storm, so what we got was wet goopy gunk. Not good for snowballs, sledding, or making snow hunks. By this morning (8:30am update), there remains a couple inches (5cm) of snow on the ground, but the driveway and sidewalks are clear (we shoveled off the goop yesterday afternoon.)

Oh well, I donned my Wesco Combat Boots with some camo BDUs to combat this fierce event! I went out to feed the critters in the back yard when my partner took this photo. That was about it for my snow adventures. My partner and I spent several happy hours watching the snow fall outside our large windows in our kitchen while we did some more batch cooking. We even made some sugar cookies from scratch. We also began to decorate for Christmas. The snow put me in more of a Christmas spirit.

Life is short: grin and bear it!

Which Cowboy Boots Next?

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Okay, loyal blog readers, it’s time for another poll!

I am seriously considering getting one or both pairs of cowboy boots featured here. What do you think? Vote in the poll to the right and let me know. Thanks.

Pair 1: “Silvercreek” boot from Nocona® features a full quill ostrich leather foot and 13″ fancy stitched leather shaft. Leather lining. Supportive, handpegged steel shank. Pointed toe. Color: denim.

Pair 2: Justin “Bent Rail” buckaroo boot features a buckskin bay Apache leather foot under a fancy stitched 15″ sea blue cowhide leather shaft. Buckskin bay Apache scalloped, punched collar. Easy-on pull holes. Soft leather lining. Leather covered cushion insole and triple density insole board. 1 3/4″ heel. (Click on the image to see it larger).

Update: the poll I took from blog viewers closed on December 9. The results? 4 voted that I buy the Justin Bent Rail buckaroos; 11 voted that I buy the Nocona denim ostrich boots (plus one positive comment about them); 5 voted that I buy both pairs; and 1 voted that I buy neither pair. Majority rules! The blue ostrich boots have been ordered and are scheduled to arrive in January. (January??? yeah, January, 2010.)

The Masculine Gay Man

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Some of my past blog posts about gay men and masculinity, or masculine gay men, or even “if” gay men can look and behave in a masculine manner, continue to be among the most viewed on this blog. They are found when people use a search engine and look up “masculine gay men” or “how to find a masculine gay guy” or “can a guy be gay and masculine.”

I read a blog post dated November 6, 2009, titled The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man. In that post, the author describes some generalities and stereotypes attributed to gay men, and takes some criticism for what he said, as well.

I found the post interesting and consistent with some things that I have said. I believe that it is possible to be gay and to behave in a typical male, masculine manner. I’m just wired that way. There are other gay men who behave more effeminately, who dress more fashionably, who speak with a distinctive voice or sound, and whose behavior is more or less obviously “gay” and therefore, is more likely to be out of the closet.

I contend that there are a number of us guys who are not so obvious in our mannerisms and behavior to be labeled immediately by straight people as being gay. The blog contends: “The reason that homosexual men who don’t fall into the common “girly-man” stereotype do not come out is because of an intense fear of being excommunicated from their social group. Suddenly, once ‘out,’ they are no longer a man.“

I both agree and disagree with this assertion. I had been in the closet for a number of years, primarily for fear of reprisal where I once worked. That’s all behind me with maturity and a change of jobs where being gay is no big deal. There are other gay men where I work, and nobody treats us differently. Some of my gay peers are quite effeminate, and some are not. We all have a job to do, and that’s that. No big deal. I remain a member of my social group which consists primarily of straight people, because they compose the members of the committees, clubs, and activities in which I choose to engage. I do not self-isolate to participate in activities only with other gay people. I like to participate with people who share common interests — not “just” being gay or “just” … well… anything.

The blogger states further: “The typically masculine gay man has no category. He has no home. For him to come out of the closet is to take off a mask that no one knew was there. This kind of personal/sexual revelation makes people uncomfortable because they are forced to ask, Who else? To admit that gay men can be manly men — and not some effeminate subspecies — makes all men ask themselves, ‘could it be me next?’ “

I sense among straight guys who participate in activities in which I participate that they do not ask themselves, “could it be me next,” but rather seem to be questioning their own perceptions of what “being gay” means. I set a different example from what their previously limited exposure to gay people has been. I live in a nice home. I live in a stable, loving relationship. I have a warm and supportive family. I have a full-time job with a regular work week. I work on several local and state political campaigns and even chaired a few in the past. I contribute to the well-being of my community through active involvement and giving my time to help others. That’s just who I am. I am complex, and not easily categorized.

And that’s my point of this particular blog post: the masculine gay man is not easy to categorize. He has his interests, activities, home life, work life, and behavior as any other person does. He may not socialize only with gay people. He may not be the guy wearing a tiara in the next LGBT parade; in fact, he probably even isn’t seen on the sidelines watching. He may, or may not, be the guy dressed in leather at the next gathering of the Great Leather Clan. He may be seen presenting testimony before city or county elected officials. He may be playing recreational sports with friends on the local rugby or softball team. He may be involved with groups that do activities he enjoys. He may be at the sports bar during “the big game” cheering on his team, or hosting “the guys” for a poker and cigar night. He may be helping to care for older parents and loved-ones.

You see, to me, a masculine gay guy is first and foremost, a guy. He is who he is by how comfortable he is in his own skin. Being gay is not his primary raison d’être.

Gay men are all colors of the rainbow, and all have a seat at the table.

Life is short: be who you are.

Not a Practicing Homosexual

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A friend and I had a conversation the other day about some issues that continue to be brought up by certain members of my extended family and their hyperconcern about the fact that I am gay and yet, for example, I served as a pallbearer at a Catholic funeral for my aunt.

He said, “it’s okay to be gay and Catholic — what they get upset about is ‘practicing the act’.”

Okay, I get it. I’ll just tell them that “I am not a practicing homosexual.”

After more than 16 years with my one-and-only man, I don’t need to practice. [giggle]

Life is short: maintain your sense of humor, and if you are like me and don’t have one, surround yourself with those who do!

Tearful Thank-you Note

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I mentioned that we entertained a number of seniors and guests on Thanksgiving last Thursday. It was a lot of fun, and was not as much work as it may seem since many people helped. I remain particularly thankful to my partner, my friend “E” who did a lot of the logistical planning this year, and my family who helped orchestrate the transportation, feeding, and entertainment of our guests.

I am receiving a number of hand-written thank-you notes in the mail. It’s so sweet, and a custom seldom practiced any more. I’ve learned from a book that my best friend sent to me that Millennials (young people in their 20s) have an earnest desire to express what’s on their mind, so they think nothing of sending an email or a text as soon as possible such as a thank-you text for a job interview. Okay, I understand that better now, and will no longer think poorly of the method of communication and get to the bottom line: what was said.

I digress… I still value written thank-you notes sent in the mail. Doing that shows a level of effort — it takes work to hand-write a note, prepare an envelope for mailing, and mail it.

I received one such note yesterday that caused both my partner and me to shed tears:

Thank you for persuading me to join you for your Thanksgiving pot-luck supper. At first, I was reluctant, because I didn’t know anybody except you, and I wasn’t sure how I would feel.

Since my beloved husband died three months ago, this is the first Thanksgiving I have had without him. Our children wanted me to come to spend the holiday with them, but that would mean an airline flight and travel during the most busy period. I just couldn’t do that. They seemed to understand, though not seeing them and my grandkids weighed heavily on my mind.

You and your family warmly welcomed me, made me feel at home right away, introduced me to others, and made sure I had plenty to eat. I ended up seated next to [your partner]. He listened to me, held my hand, and was the most empathetic person I have ever met. What a wonderful, thoughtful, caring man he is. You are blessed to have him.

I never felt alone while I was there. I basked in the warm glow of joy when your niece drove me back home. I didn’t know a neighbor who lives in the building across the street from me until I met her at your party. We went out to lunch on Friday and had a great time shopping together. What an unanticipated benefit!

Thank you again for all that you do for everyone. I hear from a lot of people about how special you are, how much you are adored and loved, and why you deserve the praise you get from us. While you never asked for money, I have sent a donation to [our local fire department] as a gift in your honor.

Aw shucks… I am still sniffling. Thanks [P], you’re pretty special yourself.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.