The Elusive Masculine Gay Man

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I have written a number of posts about masculinity and what seems to be a rarity among men who are gay — just being a guy.  A guy-guy.  That is how I am and how I behave.  Not putting on an act, or behaving in a way that is uncharacteristic of the man I am.  I’m just a guy who happens to be in love with another guy who is a “guy-guy.”

Lately, I have received some more comments from college-age guys looking for a masculine guy to develop a relationship with.  The challenge is sex.  Lots of guys have guy friends, but when a guy wants to have sex with another guy, that’s a different story.  And since society imposes rules (of perception) that “real men don’t have sex with other men” (that is, “real men aren’t gay”), then gay guys who behave in a masculine manner by nature tend to hide in the closet — never revealing their true interest in other guys.

In fact, some gay men who hide in the closet may become the most outspokenly negative about gay men.  They rant, call names, and write nasty things on Facebook messages to distance themselves from the thing they want most:  a deep relationship with another guy that includes sex.

I am not a shrink, but I am asked rather often, “how do you know someone is gay?”  and “how can you find another masculine guy who is gay?”  I have even been asked, “should I wear clothes like boots and jeans for the image they project?”

Let me take each of these questions separately:

1.  How do you know someone is gay?  Well, despite some people who claim that their “gaydar” is 100% (meaning that they claim that they can “always” determine someone else’s sexual orientation), that is not true.  Gay people do not have a scarlet letter branded to their forehead, nor an indicator on their driver’s license that says “G” where others have “M” or “F” indicated.

As a matter of fact, last month I was with a group of people and one of them absolutely insisted that he could “always tell” if someone else were gay.  So I asked him to “give me the test.”  He said there wasn’t a test, but he could “always tell.”  Having had enough, I asked him, “so, am I gay?”  His response:  “hell no.”  You should have seen the shocked look on his face when I told him that I am gay and have been in love with my partner for well over 17 years.  He sputtered and stammered and said, “but you wear leather, boots, and jeans.  You ride a Harley.  You are President of (x organization)….”  He proved my point: he was making assumptions based on activities in which I engage and stereotypes.  Even as a gay man myself, I can’t always tell if someone else is gay, and frankly, I don’t even try to do so, and don’t care.

2. How can you find another masculine guy?  I can go on and on again, but rather, I refer you to the original post on this matter, and ask that you read it, including the comments.  You can’t simply hang a sign and say, “masculine men only need apply.”  Ain’t gonna happen.  Just be yourself, and become active or involved in various groups where you just might meet another guy who, like you, is interested in masculine men.

3.  Should I wear clothes that project a masculine image?  Wear what you want, and what you like.  But if you’re looking for a masculine guy, he’s not going to respond to the latest designer-label jeans and designer-label jacket.  Ditch the fashion, and wear what other guys in your area wear.  If you like boots, wear them. If not, then don’t.  It’s up to you.  The choices of what you wear on your body and your feet will not make much of a difference provided what you wear is generally within the norm (okay, I’m being tactfully circumspect about men wearing women’s clothing.)

It all boils down to this:  relationships.  Every man seeking a mate — male or female — has to build a relationship first.  That’s what dating and courtship is all about.  You build on a friendship to a level of closeness that reveals your true identity because you are completely honest with your mate and do not hide your sexual orientation in the closet.  If the other guy likes you, and you come out to him, then if he is a real friend, he will not forsake you.  He may respond with becoming intimate, or he may back off and say, “not interested in that.”

But if he is a true friend, he won’t hurt you.  Regretfully, though, there are times when guys let down their guard and let someone in, only to be burned by the other guy who recoils with shock and says rude and hateful things.  To reduce that possibility, my recommendation is to take your time.

Taking the time to build a relationship with a masculine guy is very hard for some people to do.  It’s as hard for men as it is for women.  Younger people who are accustomed to instant satisfaction and immediate responses can’t handle having to take things slowly.  But I have found that most masculine gay men are very careful and deliberate in choosing who to get close to.  Some of them have been burned before, and some of them remain very much “in the closet.”  Some may not have self-identified as being gay, and are in denial.  Eventually, time will tell … but taking the time to figure it out is not an easy thing.  (For example, I was 35 when I met my man, but I wasn’t celibate… if you get the drift.)

You can find a masculine gay man if you’re looking for one.  You just need to take time, be patient, and keep being true to yourself.  Good luck.

Life is short:  but in this case, take your time.

Storing Tall Boots

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I received an email the other day from Stephanie who wrote:

Recently I purchased my first pair of good leather boots and am interested in how best to care for them, particularly when they are not on my feet. It seems there are three choices: hanging, standing, or in a box (with many choices in how to do each). What do you do with yours?

Good question… here are my thoughts based on my own experience on storing tall boots.

1.  Short-term storage

If the boots are worn fairly often — about once a week or more — then don’t plan to store them. Instead, all you want to do is retain shape. Stuffing the boots with wads of kraft paper will do that. Then you can hang them, as I do, which will help keep the shape in the ankles by not having the weight of the shafts continue to press down on the ankles and cause more sagging. Hanging in a well-ventilated area that has good light (but not direct sunlight) is really the best way to go, but if space is limited, you can just store them stuffed with kraft paper and they’ll be okay. Ventilation and light (part of the day) is important to keep down the chances of mold growth. Mold loves “dark and damp” on fibrous products (leather is a fibrous product) — so avoid both.

2.  Long-term storage

For example, you may want to store a pair of equestrian boots that are worn only during the riding season. Now that it is winter in the U.S., the boots will not be worn again until Spring. If this is the case, do this: a) clean off any residual dirt and grime with a damp cloth. If the boots have been worn in areas where mold is prevalent (such as in an arena, grassy area, etc.), then get Lysol (or similar) disinfectant wipes and wipe the boots with the disinfectant wipe as the final cleaning. Do not spray boots with Lysol, as the alcohol in the Lysol will dry out the leather. But you want to remove any mold spores that may remain on the boots. Pay special attention to the area where the sole is sewn to the foot, and places such as under straps, harness rings, and boot pulls.

When the boots are clean, give them a good polishing using a good shoe polish such as Kiwi brand, Bick 4, or the like. After polishing, let the boots stand in a well-ventilated area for about a day so the residual vapors from volatile chemicals in the polish can dissipate.

Then get some brown kraft paper (like is used for wrapping boxes to ship in the mail.) Wad up the kraft paper and place them inside the boots. Don’t put too much paper in or pack tightly. Air needs to circulate. But put enough in to keep the shape of the boots. Wrap the boots in tissue paper, and put them in a box. Do not seal the box with tape (as sealing a box can trap humidity inside the box, making an environment suitable for mold growth. Also, do not put the boots in plastic bags — again, plastic traps water vapor and makes a great environment for mold to grow. I also recommend kraft paper and tissue paper, as these materials are not made from an acid process, and are less likely to damage your boots than newspaper, which is very acidic.

These are my recommendations on storing tall boots.  For more information on boot storage suggestions, see this blog post.

Life is short:  care for your boots!

What Are The First Pieces of Leather Gear I Should Buy for IML?

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This was a good question that landed on my website: “What are the first pieces of leather gear that I should buy for IML?” For those who may not be familiar, “IML” refers to “International Mr. Leather,” which is the largest gathering of the leather clan in the United States, held every year on Memorial Day weekend (last weekend of May) in Chicago, Illinois. By the way, this information also applies to those who choose to attend Mid-Atlantic Leather, which is the second-largest gathering of the leather clan. This event is held in mid-January in Washington, DC.

I noticed that google directed the question to my tutorial called “Air Travel With Leather Gear” instead of my “Leather Gear Guide.” Had the inquiry gone to the latter tutorial, the reader would have been advised that, in my opinion, the first pieces of leather to buy when considering attending a leather event like IML are: 1) black leather chaps; 2) a black leather vest; and 3) black boots (of course!). Compliment this leather gear with a pair of Levis or Wranglers and some black t-shirts. Simple!

The great thing about chaps is that they are so versatile. You can put them on quickly, and they look good with a pair of regular jeans. You can wear the jeans when traveling, and while being a tourist. Chicago is a great, walkable town. There are a lot of things to see and do, and you might not want to wear leather when going to a museum, taking a stroll to view “The Bean,” or out to eat.

A black leather vest compliments the outfit. You can wear a vest over a regular shirt, or if the weather is warm enough and you have the physique, you can wear it over your torso. Lots of guys do that at IML, from lithe gym-rats to bears to all in-between.

Black boots are de rigueur. However, if you will be wearing boots with jeans and chaps, you can get shorter boots if you wish because one doesn’t really tuck jeans and chaps into boots. Doing so makes the boots look “stuffed” and often due to the thickness of material, the leather puffs out at the top of the boots and looks … um … “dorky.” Shorter boots like Chippewa Harness Boots would be great — those boots are very durable, very comfortable, inexpensive, and well-constructed. While Harley-Davidson harness boots are prevalent, IMHO those boots are cheap and poorly-made, because they are made in China by third-party companies under license by Harley-Davidson for the name. You pay twice as much for the name alone. Don’t fall for it. Get good quality US-made boots by Chippewa or Red Wing and you’ll be much happier.

Die-hard leatherdudes who have some means and money will have a lot of other leather gear. As you consider future investments in leather gear beyond chaps, vest, and boots, I would recommend: 1) a good-quality leather motorcycle jacket, 2) good-quality leather jeans, and 3) leather gloves. You can (and should) wear the jacket and leather jeans regularly, not just for IML or other leather fashion shows. The jacket and jeans are staples in many men’s wardrobes.

Other stuff that is “out there” includes leather breeches — which look hot with tall black patrol boots — but good quality, custom-made breeches can be costly (on the order of US$400 – US$600). Leather shirts also are prevalent, but aren’t as necessary in an emerging leatherman’s wardrobe right away. I wear leather shirts often, but I’m the type of guy who wears his leather frequently as I go about my daily life. A leather tie and Muir Cap completes the outfit, but again, aren’t necessary.

In my opinion, leather gear that you don’t need includes: 1) a chest harness — few guys can pull off the look well. Chest harnesses look good only on very well-built men with chiseled abs. If you don’t have it, don’t wear something that points out an out-of-shape body. 2) You don’t really need gauntlets, leather shorts, leather jocks, or equipment like floggers, whips, or chains. ‘nuf said… toys are what they are. Also, IMHO “strong” opinion: leather shorts don’t look good on most men. (And Chicago in May can be cool, anyway.)

Two things to remember: 1) don’t bring lots of gear with you — just a few pieces to mix and match. Most airlines charge outrageous fees to check baggage, and even more outrageous fees for a bag that weighs more than their maximum allowable — usually 50lbs (22.7kg). Also 2) the largest “leather mart” — vendor displays and sales — is at IML. You can buy gear there if you wish.

In summary, for the guy who is going to IML for the first time and is looking to acquire some leather gear — get chaps, vest, and short harness boots. You’ll fit in fine and what I’m recommending is affordable. (However, be sure to read my thorough explanation about the differences between “cheap chaps” and “great chaps” because if you buy cheap chaps, it will be obvious that you’re a newbee on a tight budget.)

Life is short: enjoy your leather!

A Bag of Wet Sand

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We all have people that we “have” to work with for various reasons.  Some people are friendly, warm, and affable.  Some people are professionally perfunctory.  Some people are perplexing.  Some people are cold and distant.

One person I have to work with is pleasant enough, but dragging a conversation from her is difficult.  She is cold, but not unpleasant.  She is well-mannered, but she has no personality.  She is so much like — what I was describing to a friend — a bag of wet sand.  There is really no other way to describe it.  It’s like you have to push this cold, damp gooky stuff around to get anything productive from a conversation.

I don’t know why some people are like that.  Just stuck like a heavy bag that you have to poke and prod to deal with.  Oh well, it takes all kinds, and frankly I’d rather have someone with a personality of cold wet sand than one who is perpetually angry and agitated.

So much for civic life.  Bags of sand are out there.

Life is short:  when confronted with a bag of wet sand, build a berm.

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How We Saved $8,450

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I was reviewing the bills and our household budget for the past year, preparing a new budget for next year in comparison with our income and expenses.  I used an on-line calculator that compared “normal” household expenses with ours.  I realize that what some people consider to be “normal” is not normal for us.  Our “unnormal” spending habits resulted in an estimated annual savings of US$8,450.

Here is how we have not spent US$8,450 this year:

1.  We prepare our own meals and eat at home.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner — all prepared from groceries that I cook and serve daily.  We just don’t eat out.  A reliable source indicates that the average US middle class couple spends $279 each month on eating dinner out.  Since we don’t do that, our savings is US$3,378.

2.  Preparing our own meals includes making lunch to take to work.  My partner and I do not eat lunch out.  Another reliable source indicates that we save US$2,080 a year based on the assumption of eating lunch out at the average cost of US$8.50 each lunch x 2 of us x 4 days/week (thinking that my partner and I are at home one weekday each week.)

3.  We don’t go nuts with media.  That is, while we subscribe to services that provide television and internet, we have no-frills, basic services.  We get the normal digital & HD channel line-up, but do not pay for subscription services like HBO, etc.  We do not pay for “on demand” movies and sports packages.  We have high-speed internet, but locked in a three-year agreement that saves about US$25/month from what it could have cost us.  Therefore, I estimate the savings on television media is US$576/year (not paying avg. US$48/mo. for extras) and US$300 for internet = a total of US$876/year.

4.  We don’t go nuts with cell phones.  I have one cell phone.  My partner chooses not to have one.  I do not have a data package on my cell, by choice.  Therefore I do not text nor receive text messages, or have web-access on a mobile device.  I once had that (when my former employer required it, but did not pay for it).  My monthly savings for going “cell only without data” is US$68/month, or US$816/year.

5.  We mow our own lawn and maintain it ourselves.  Neighbors spend US$900/year on lawn mowing services while my partner and I enjoy the exercise and the cost-savings. We also use compost as fertilizer, and spread it ourselves.  We rake, aerate, and weed-wack.  Yes, it takes time from other things (such as riding my Harley) but it’s good exercise, much better for the environment than spreading chemicals, and is cheaper than what some of my neighbors pay US$400/year for a lawn service company.  So what if our lawn isn’t perfect — it’s a lawn, not a golf course. 

All-in-all, the savings by eating at home, choosing to reduce media and cell phone costs, and mowing our own lawn totaled US$8,450 this year alone.

There are many other intangibles that affect our annual budget.  For example, we have zoned heating and cooling, so we only heat or cool parts of our house as needed in certain rooms. We have active solar, which produces electricity and hot water. We estimate our annual savings for solar alone to be about US$3,000 in reduced electric and natural gas bills.  But that is hard to estimate directly since I cannot measure what we do not consume and some of the savings are offset by increased costs of maintenance on this complex household system.  Nonetheless, “going green” does save us a lot of money in the long-run, and saves the planet a little bit, as well.

Life is short:  be financially sound.

Quality Customer Service

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I am writing today to say how pleased I am with the customer service from Northbound Leather of Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

The story begins on a good note, in that I ordered a pair of dress leather pants and dress leather shirt on November 25, and these items were made quickly.  I received them on December 8.  The quality of the leather used is superb: soft, supple, shiny and sensuous.  I was almost giddy with excitement when the Fedex delivery arrived.  I quickly tore open the box and tried on my new gear.

However, I was disappointed to find that the pants were simply cut off to my size, and not hemmed.  Unhemmed leather garments will fray quickly.  Not good….

Further, while the website measurement instructions were clear and I followed them, the sizing of Canadians must be different.  The shirt was too small for me.  I swear, a Canadian inch =0.9 of a U.S. inch (LOL!).  Even though I’ve lost almost 40 pounds since May, there was just no way the shirt would fit without making me appear to be busting out at the seams.  Not good….

I called Northbound on the day I received the gear to explain the situation.  Glenda couldn’t have been nicer about it.  While I had to return the garments to them, they will send me a new pair of pants — hemmed this time — and a new shirt in the correct size immediately.  They also facilitated the return by allowing me to use their FedEx account number, so I do not have to pay for the cost of shipping, which is expensive to (and from) Canada from the United States.

Because Northbound Leather treated me so well and were so kind and responsive, I continue to recommend them highly.  They really do make great leather garments of high quality leather.  Their craftsmanship is truly terrific. 

In further email dialogue with Glenda, I am assured that I will receive the new gear by Christmas, when I want to wear formal leathers as I visit family and serve our holiday meal.

Life is short:  get in gear!

Why Do Gay Guys Like to Wear Boots?

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Google never ceases to amuse me by landing visitors to this blog who enter questions like, “Why do gay guys like to wear boots?”

In this instance, the question was asked by someone in Singapore, but it is a fairly common question around the world.

Okay, I’m a gay guy, and I like to wear boots.  Why?  I like how they look and how they feel on my feet.  Many men wear boots in the United States and around the world.

In my opinion, the number of gay men who wear boots is rather small in comparison to the overall number of gay men out there.  In fact, in my observation, it seems to me that fewer gay men wear boots than the proportion of straight men who like to wear boots.  I think that’s because there are fewer gay men who are masculine guys.  To me, most gay men I have met are into fashion and like to dress up, including wearing dress shoes. 

Masculine men, gay or straight, like boots.  I’m one of ’em.  The boot-wearing has nothing to do with my sexual orientation.  It has to do with the kind of guy I am — your regular “Joe Schmoe” in leather and boots.  No big deal.  I am who I am.  Other guys are who they are — gay or straight, booted or not.

Life is short:  stop obsessing over stereotypes and perceptions in trying to connect one thing with another that really are not related.

Memories of Seattle

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One thing that impressed me tremendously about my recent visit to Seattle was how incredibly courteous the drivers in the area were. I drove a lot while I was there, going from town to town up and down I-5 for various meetings. People everywhere were great about letting you in when traffic was heavy. They always used turn signals. They didn’t speed. They didn’t talk on cell phones or text while driving. Man, we have a lot to learn from them in the area where I live. DC drivers are the pits when it comes to courteousness while driving.

Following are some photos that my friend Dave took while we did a bit of touring on Sunday. We took a ferry to one of the Puget Sound islands, had lunch, and a great visit. What a genuinely nice guy. I appreciated having the chance to visit and spend some time touring such a scenic area.

Life is short: make the most of your work and travel!

Is My Twinship Unusual?

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I received an email the other day from someone who has been reading this blog, and has noticed a number of “guest blog” posts from my twin brother.  Throughout those posts, and in some of his comments on some of my regular, ongoing posts, it’s clear that my twin brother and I are very close.

The person who wrote to me asked what it was like to have a twin brother, as he did not have one.  He also asked, “are all twins so close — as close as you and your brother?  And is your twin gay?”

The first part is hard for me to answer.  My brother and I had a normal childhood with typical sibling battles and squabbles.  But throughout it all, we still were best friends.  I don’t know if our relationship as twins is typical, but I’ve heard from other twins who feel as close.

The second part is not hard to answer: my twin is straight, happily married to a woman, and is secure in his own manhood.  He figured out that I was gay before I did, but loved me just the same.  That’s what is so special about our relationship.  He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is, as different as we are.

There are two other sets of twins in my family, and I observe that they are as close with each other as my twin and I are.  It is how we were raised.  But also, we had a “twin compact.”  That is, if you picked on one of us, you picked on us both.  We defended each other fiercely.

I also have to say that since my twin brother and I are fraternal twins, he got the good looks, physical height, athletic ability, and grace — while I got lesser of each of the genes that control those features.  As such, I was mercilessly picked on by bullies in junior high and high school at times.  My twin would always, always, defend me.  Regardless if it made him late for a class or a date.  He was always by my side.  My brother through life.

I know other people have sibling relationships that are not as close.  I am blessed, I guess.  It’s what Mom and Dad made happen by how they raised us.  They expected that their children would be close, and become good friends as adults.  Our parents’ expectations were truly realized.

While I am especially close to my twin — I know (without speaking with him) what he’s thinking and what language he is speaking and how he is feeling — I am also close to my other brothers and sisters.  I love ’em all, and I know they love me.  Gay or straight, sports-ignorant or athletic, klutzy or graceful, leather-clad or in a business suit — they love us for the men we are.

In summary: is my twinship unusual?  I don’t think so.  But I know that I have a very special man as my very own twin brother, and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Life is short:  love your brother.

Working — in Leather

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My new job is very interesting, and when I am not traveling, I work from home.  Considering that I’m at home, I can wear what I want.  Thus, I choose to wear leather — jeans and shirts, and boots (of course.)

Sure, I could probably work naked if I want, but it’s cold, and I don’t want to turn the heat up full blast.  Wearing leather keeps me warm and lets me keep the heat on a lower setting, saving fuel and money.  Being just a regular guy, it’s no problem should I need to run an errand at lunch time and just go out in my leather, pulling on a leather jacket in the process.  No big deal.

It’s “cool” wearing leather while at work!

Life is short:  wear your leather!