Category Archives: Gay Issues

Pride

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There I go again… the gay police are gonna come get me for sure… I forgot that it was “Pride” time again in DC. I had to check the website when a good friend who lives in Pennsylvania sent me an email and mentioned that he might be dropping by the Pride Festival on Sunday, June 13.

I dunno why I didn’t remember it was Pride time in DC. I am a plain old disassociated gay guy, I guess. Perhaps it is a result of living with a recluse. Or perhaps it is because I don’t like to stand around among crowds. Capital Pride has events scheduled from June 4 to June 13.

On the last day of this series of events, tens of thousands of people gather in downtown Washington, DC, at the Capital Pride Festival. They listen to speeches and watch stage performances, mill about various booths and displays, and check out the other people there. Usually, it is hot, sunny and unpleasant (weather-wise). My days of wanting to watch lithe young things with shaved chests wearing boots have passed. Frankly, I would rather be out riding my Harley.

Actually, my forgetting about Capital Pride has more to do with the fact that I am an out, open, regular guy. I don’t need a day, week, or set of activities in which to “be proud.” I am a proud man as I am — proud of my accomplishments and my service to my community. And I’m not talking about the LGBT community. I am talking about my neighbors — the area where I live. The area where I provide service by engaging as a civic leader. The area where I am respected for who I am and what I know, not because I am gay, but regardless of my sexual orientation (or the boots or leather that I wear). And that’s how it should be.

Martin Luther King, Jr., said in his famous “I Have A Dream” speech that he desired that his children would “not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” This dream is a reality for me as a gay guy. I don’t hide in the closet. I don’t run around waving the rainbow flag, either. I am who I am, regardless.

… and that’s how it should be.

Life is short: be proud of who you are, as you are, where you are, 24/7, 365 days a year.

Why Not Be A Passenger?

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I was conversing with a close [straight] friend who lives in a distant state the other day, saying that I was longing to get back on the saddle of a motorcycle. I am unhappy because the weather is gorgeous and yet my Harley remains in the garage, unused, because my doc says I can’t ride yet until my leg heals some more after I broke it in January.

My friend asked, “why not ride as a passenger?”

It was a simple-enough question. If I can’t put my feet down and man-handle a big motorcycle, I could, at least, ride as a passenger, right?

Well… no, I don’t think so.

My partner does not know how to ride a motorcycle, so he couldn’t take me. My very close biker buddy friend who wouldn’t bat an eye taking me as his passenger was killed six years ago by a cell phone yapping SUV-driving yuppie. And, unfortunately, I do not have any other friends to whom I am close enough and who can ride a motorcycle to ask.

Sure, I belong to a motorcycle riding club and often ride with them on group rides. Unfortunately, I observe that most of these guys, if not all, are wary of me. I am the only “fully out” gay guy among them. (I figure if statistics are accurate, there are other gay men in the club, but if there are, they live completely in the closet.) The club members are friendly enough, but keep their distance socially. I think they’re afraid of “gay by association” if they get too close.

I have to admit, I keep my distance, too, mostly because I’m not the social animal that other, younger, single guys are. And the guys who aren’t single and who are sociable always bring their wives to social occasions (many of whom are riders themselves.) My partner is so anti-social that he rarely comes to me to any biker-related social events, so it is easy to perceive that I am not all that sociable. And, as I have said before, I don’t like to stay up late and drink beer. Thus, I avoid most biker social events because the hours and activities are incompatible with my preferences. I can understand, then, why there are distances in our relationships, and the distances aren’t all related to the fact that I am a gay man.

Regardless, when my friend asked me simply about whether I could ride as someone’s passenger, I thought, “nope, ain’t gonna happen.” I really don’t know anyone (or think I know anyone) who is man enough, secure enough, and courageous enough to take me as his passenger.

I also have to admit that being a motorcycle operator for some 33 years, it would be darned hard to be a passenger. I think I would naturally try to drive, or to put my foot down, to lean, or otherwise make things unintentionally difficult for the operator.

I commended my (straight) friend for being such an open-minded guy. He is not naive, but since he is not gay, he does not have much of an idea of what I live with. Homophobia comes in a variety of forms. Most of it is not overt. But it shows, for example, as people consider how close to get to me — or how not.

Life is short: dream of the day when things like this don’t matter.

I’ve Got Products!

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How do you like my new Spring image? I was tired of the gray hair, so I had my stylist use a male hair coloring product to return my hair to its original medium blond shade. I thought the hair gel product was just the thing to use, too. Doesn’t my hair look great all spiky? The light fuzz on my face is by design — so many men these days do a light shave, but let facial hair in a full beard show. Not a big fuzzy one, but a light beard — it’s, well, so sheik. I’m sure all the guys will notice my new look.

While I was laid up with a broken leg, I began to study men’s style websites and magazines. Man, those style guys sure know how to put it all together, from the new Spring suits, dress shirts, colorful ties, and even pocket squares to add just the right touch. Everybody I follow on Twitter is all abuzz about this year’s new men’s styles. I can’t wait to try on a new pair of dress oxfords that I got at Neiman Marcus. Man, they were a “steal” at only $495. Hmmm, I should consider getting another pair in brown and alternate wearing them.

While I was at NM, I had a long talk with the guy at the men’s “product’s” counter. This term became popular when the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was on television a few years ago. I am amazed, there are so many from which to choose! Hair gel, mousse, facial wash, body splash, and lots of fragrances, too. And oh! This really neat book on how to groom my new beard!

Okay, I can’t stand it any longer: APRIL FOOL!

You wouldn’t honestly believe that I, Booted Harleydude, the quintessential masculine gay man into boots, leather, mud, and motorcycles, would fall for this stuff, would you? Sheesh… gag me, will ‘ya?

Don’t get me wrong: a full beard looks great on some men. Being partially Native American, I can’t grow one. However, these “light fuzz” beards that require hours of daily grooming are a bit beyond me.

I hope, though, since I parodied all this crap that I won’t have to turn in my gay badge. Oops, where did I put that thing, after all?

Heteronormative

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I was reading an article in my local newspaper about why some gay men are choosing not to get married, even though it is legal to do so now in the District of Columbia (Washington, DC.) Since DC adjoins my home state of Maryland, and since our state Attorney General issued an opinion a couple weeks ago that said that same-sex marriages should be recognized by our state, even though they cannot be conducted here, it makes the issue more “close-to-home.”

One reason that one couple interviewed for this newspaper article said that they did not want to marry was that they considered marriage as being heteronormative.

I thought for a minute, and while I intuitively knew what the word meant, it was a new word to me. So I looked it up, and found that the word was first used in 1991, and means this:

a pervasive and institutionalized ideological system that naturalizes heterosexuality as universal; it must continually reproduce itself to maintain hegemony over other non-normative sexualities and ways of identity construction.

It refers to marriage, traditional family values, values of organized Christian religion, suburbia, and the ‘the American Dream’.

Hmmm… this caused quite a discussion in our household. Are we “heteronormative?” Well, it did not take long for either my partner or myself to answer, “yes we are.” My partner and I have traditional values in that we believe in personal integrity, financial responsibility, and monogamity. We live in the greater snoburbs of our nation’s capital, but not in the city itself. We both do not like city life.

We have a single family home in a nice neighborhood. We have good jobs. Between us, we own three vehicles (my Harley being one of them.) In essence, we are living the American Dream.

There are only things that were not stated: 1) we do not owe money on credit cards or car payments, which is unfortunately typical of American Dreamers; and 2) we do not go along with the hypocrisy of organized Christian religion, though my partner is a practicing Catholic. Yet we violate his religion’s tenets, but I will not explain why. You can figure that out.

Is there anything wrong with being heteronormative? That is, because we are gay, does that mean that we must reject all things considered to be values and lifestyles of heterosexual couples? Is that a reason not to get married?

I don’t think any of these things are true. We value living a good, decent life, taking care of ourselves and our loved-ones, doing the right thing, and affirming our commitment to one another. The only things we have deliberately chosen not to do is to adopt children and to spend money we don’t have. Otherwise, we’re as heteronormative as they come.

We are still discussing this … your thoughts?

Life is short: live normally, however that’s defined.

Gay Men-Straight Men Friendships

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The other day, someone googled the phrase, “Gay Men – Straight Men Friendships” and it ended up on this blog. But I realized that I haven’t blogged much about those types of relationships.

Okay, so I am a gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with a man — my mate, partner, best half… etc. Most of my friends are straight — as is most of the world. What is my relationship with men in my world who are straight?

To be honest, it varies. Most guys I know are open-minded, and don’t consider my sexual orientation as a threat to their manhood. But some are wary, distant, puzzled, or just don’t want to deal with it. That description fits best about the guys who I ride motorcycles with. They’re fine if I’m out there riding, but they generally prefer not to socialize with me. Then again, I don’t socialize with them much, either. Not because I don’t like them, but because the social activities besides motorcycling that they do are not something I enjoy: going to a ball game, dancing, hanging out late at a restaurant or bar. All these things don’t interest me. They never have. And not because I’m gay, but because I never have enjoyed sports, dining, dancing, drinking alcohol to excess, etc. (Just ask my twin brother!)

In the on-line community, I have enjoyed hearing from a lot of guys, both gay and straight. They all express concern and camaraderie, and bring a smile to my face in knowing that they care. While most of my on-line contacts are gay, not all are. In fact, several of the guys I communicate with regularly are straight. Sexual orientation isn’t an issue to these guys who are secure in their own self-perception.

It really all comes down to how confident and secure people are. Men who are confident in themselves, their identity, and their sexual orientation don’t care if I am gay. They care about me as a person. One who can share information, fun, and camaraderie.

I can say that I have a lot of friends, many of whom I have known since childhood. They have known me all of their lives and the fact that I am gay is never an issue because they knew me before they knew my sexual orientation.

New people who I meet generally are friendly and we get along well. Then when they find out that I am gay, some don’t think a thing about it (or indicate that they do), and some will become more distant. I let them decide how to relate to me. I don’t push myself on them (or anyone.) It’s their decision as to what type of relationship to have with me.

Does it bother me that some men distance themselves from me once they find out that I am gay? Sure. I’m a sensitive guy. But I am also mature enough to realize that some guys just don’t want to develop a deeper relationship as a friend with a guy whose sexual orientation is opposite their own.

Further, I have to admit that what forms bonds of friendships is shared interests. Are you interested in boots and leather? We can talk for days, weeks, years. You want to know about websites, blogging, wikis, etc.? Let’s talk! How to repair and remodel a house? I got ‘ya covered. Shared history in going to school and growing up together? We’ve got lots to talk about.

But if you want to know who is competing in the Olympics, what teams are playing football or baseball, or what grammafronzit fits best in a motorcycle engine, then that leaves me out. I’m just not interested in those things. Interest in sports, engines, or activities like that is not a gay/straight matter. There are a lot of gay guys who are very interested in sports, who build bikes, or fix up cars. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Issues about shared interests is what begins the development of a friendship, and builds those bonds for a durable period of time. If we aren’t interested in the same things, then we don’t have much to talk about, do we? That has nothing to do with being gay or straight as it has to do with what we can do and talk about together.

I look at who I call my “closest” friends. Two (one straight male and one straight female) from my childhood; my very close friends met through on-line activities: AZ, Clay, Kevin, and Bama — three gay and one straight. My senior pals — almost too numerous to count — and all straight. They are close because of what we have done and shared together, and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

I am a confident, secure, masculine gay man. I am well connected in my community and in my profession. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, I can live with it. I do… all the time. It’s natural, and I no longer get upset if someone doesn’t seem to want to reach out and build a closer relationship. That will happen with some people, and not with others.

Life is short: know who you are, and be happy with that. Have friends who care about you, and show you care for them.

Wesco Boots — Gay?

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Someone visited the post on this website titled, Wesco Boots and Gay Culture and attempted to leave a comment on that post. The post was written on December 27, 2008, but continues to rank high in Google searches.

The person made a number of broad generalizations and asked a number of questions, so his statements fit best in an entire blog post rather than a comment on a post that is almost a year old. (By the way, the plural of “Wesco” is “Wescos” — in American English, one does NOT add an apostrophe to make a word plural.)

I shared that guy’s message with several straight and gay friends varying in age from 23 to 68 who like to wear boots. Following are some things this commenter said, and the responses I received from my friends. Interestingly, there really was not a difference in response or reaction between straight and gay men. Below, “SG” means “straight guy” and “GG” means “gay guy.”

I love these boots, but I don’t get a hard-on for ’em like all these gay fetishist that obsess over them.

GG: He’s correct in observing, and reinforcing the statement from your original post that some gay men have a fetish interest in boots and like you he appreciates the boots because of their style, function and quality workmanship. It’s funny how easily we think that what we see on-line and via YouTube is highly representative of current thought and practice. It’s been my observation that those who take the time to create video do so not from the perspective of showing life as it exists, but from a creative or artistic eye that is meant to entertain more so than to be instructive. Extremes get the most attention and in a sea of millions of videos, it’s the extreme that allows your video to be seen and not overlooked or ignored.

GG: He may see more gay men who have a fetish interest as the authors of the videos because by and large this demographic has been more exposed to role playing venues where the boots, leather, and Tom of Finland inspired scenes have been such a staple in gay culture. So, it’s easy to see how a creative medium like YouTube and web would have more gay men creating these images.

GG: Interest in the power these boots may represent can’t only be confined to those with fetish interest. Wesco boots are sturdy and come with lug soles, for the most part, and harness and engineer boot styles were originally worn by men who worked in professions associated with strength. There is also the association of power produced by 50s icons like Brando and James Dean that has clearly left a mark on our society’s perception of the boots. The characters these men created spoke to the personal power of the rebel who called his own shots. Taken in this context, the boots were seen as highly masculine and it’s this concept that many masculine gay men found attractive. There are just as many, if not more, straight men who were inspired by this image. Unfortunately, they’re not the ones creating the on-line images, for the most part.

My interest in these boots are for their function and style and quality workmanship.

SG: Many guys wear them for protection for their jobs/hobbies etc. With those guys, their boots are just another piece of gear and thats all they are. They don’t think twice about them.

I’ve never touched or seen a pair of these boss boots, only from the internet and your videos and everywhere I look, there are these “GG Allen” types licking them and being all gay with them.

GG: Who is GG Allen? [I think he means GG Allin, who died in 1993. He was a punk rocker, and was rather perverse in his antics on stage. I had to look this up, because I didn’t know who he was, either.]

SG: His past observations about one crazy punk rocker influence him now.

GG: He (the writer) watches too many YouTube videos. He should know that what he sees on YouTube isn’t what the majority of men who wear Wesco boots are like. Think about it: would a straight guy post a video of himself in a pair of Wesco Boots just walking around, riding his motorcycle, or smoking? Of course not. Guys who post on YouTube usually are showing some sort of fetish interest.

My concern, is how gay are the boots?

SG: My guess is if the guy is thinking Wescos and gay go hand-in-hand then something in his past caused that association. Also, when you see sites on the web showing the boots – as with most boots, they seem to somehow be connected to a gay or sex related site.

GG: I’ve never heard Wesco boots being labeled as “gay”

GG: If they are “gay boots,” I want more!

You say, “It’s all about the boots. Boot up. When I’m on my HARLEY.” Like the gay community stole the rainbow. And Hitler stole the “Chaplin” Moustache. The KKK stole pointy robes.

GG: He’s afraid of guilt by association. It’s only when we begin wearing something new that people take notice. By and large, in the real off-line world, after the first few weeks, gays and straights could care less about your choice of footwear. That’s not to say that some will leap to conclusions, but people will leap to erroneous conclusions regardless of what he chooses to wear and his point about co-opted styles can be easily said any number of clothing choices. Of course, all this gets thrown out of the window if he finds himself in the Castro or in a leather bar. LOL But, as you’ve pointed out on your blog, there are a good number of gay men attending leather bars wearing sneakers and jeans. Sometimes a banana is just a banana.

SG: What does he mean by you wearing Wesco boots on your Harley and then immediately say that the gay community stole the rainbow? What do these two things have to do with each other? This guy doesn’t make any sense.

No comparison to gay people, I’m just talking styles, that have almost become like their proprietary ‘uniform’ in a sense.

GG: If Wesco boots have become the “uniform” of gay people, then this guy doesn’t know many gay men. I think he watches too many videos on YouTube which are causing many misperceptions in his mind.

GG: The gay friends who I hang out with never would wear Wesco boots. Heck, most of them won’t wear boots at all.

SG: He almost makes it sound as though without support from the gay community, Wesco would go out of business. How ridiculous. That is like believing that companies that make colored handkerchiefs are dependent on the gay community for their existence or Doc Martens depend on restless teens and rock stars to survive.

You seem friendly and nice, and flaming homosexuals are free and fun, but many of the Wesco Boot Fetishists seem pretty hardcore. Like, I wouldn’t want to hang out with most of them.

GG: I’d venture to say that he wouldn’t find himself at places frequented by the Wesco Boot Fetishists as he terms them. Any one of us runs the risk of unwanted attention because someone perceives we are like-minded because of what we’ve chosen to wear. Even the most confident of us have periods of self-doubt about our appearance. We are conditioned to believe that appearances are important. It’s a way we try to make sense of things. But, at the end of the day, we all have to ask ourselves if we can not just live with our decisions, but with our regrets created by giving in to our insecurities and deciding against wearing what we like.

GG: He is making assumptions based on some of the more “active” videos he is seeing on YouTube.

SG: I guess he saw too many pictures from Folsom Street [Fair in San Francisco]. While I can’t imagine wearing some of that leatherwear in public, on the other hand my curiosity could ask what it might feel like to wear it, just as I am curious what it would be like to don a full set of football gear (from pads to cleats) or professional ice hockey equipment. I also wonder if, in that sea of leather-clad men, any of those men are straight and how well they might be accepted.

SG: I am a hardcore biker. I wear Wescos. You think he thinks I am going to challenge him to a fight?

So is wearing these super-gay boots the equivalent to a girl wearing a slutty dress, in your eyes? Like, If I was wearing the uniform of these GG Allen Leather Boys, Is that asking for gay trouble?

SG: Where did that come from? Yes, many gay men may enjoy wearing Wescos or any other boots for that matter but so what. Many straight men wear boots and possibly for the same reason that gay men do. It is what the boots feel like, the appearance they give (Masculine) and perhaps sexual stimulation. Can a straight man be “turned on” (sexually) by wearing boots or seeing other men in boots. Absolutely. It is the boots, not the gender of the person wearing them.

GG: You are asking for trouble from Gay Guys by holding such narrow, incorrect, points of view. [BHD] did not publish your comment because you refused to identify yourself. Would you dare say something like that in public? I doubt it.

SG: Wescos are not “super gay”. This guy is way off base and has jumped to a lot of conclusions, again probably from what he is seeing on YouTube.

Would I have to constantly explain myself to “booted men” that I’m not into sodomy, I just like gay boots? Thanks for taking the time, and I really hope you can shine some light on this.

GG: You would only have to explain yourself if you opened your mouth and stuff like this fell out of it. You’re way off base.

SG: This guy said that he doesn’t even own a pair of Wesco boots, and he probably never will because he is so obsessed over perceptions about them, and jumped to conclusions based on observations from what he has been seeing on the Internet.

SG: He has to realize that most straight guys who wear Wesco boots — linemen, cable guys, and so forth — don’t post information about their footwear on the internet. Guys who do post about Wesco boots on the internet, including youtube, are giving him a false impression.

GG: As long as he keeps referring to Wesco Boots as “gay boots,” he has much to learn. He probably should not get any, because he is so far off base and it seems that he has already made up his mind.

BHD says — Life is short: Wear your Wescos (if you’re man enough!) Thanks to my friends who provided review and feedback for me. Out of respect for them, I am not revealing who they are — even their screen names — which would be recognized by many who frequent “Boots on Line.”

Role Model?

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I received an email message from a young guy, age 15, who said that he visited my bootedman.com website and this blog. I do not knowingly communicate with people under age 21 via email (family excepted) because I do not want anyone for any reason to think that I am trying to have interactions (however benign) with people who are not considered adults in the eyes of the law. These days, you can’t be too careful. That is why it says on my “write-to-me” page that you can send me email, but if you are under 21, I will not write back.

This young guy said, “I look up to you greatly because of your collection and lifestyle. I have a bit of a boot fetish (Especially Cowboys and Cops in Boots) and I think it is grand that you share your collection.”

Well, thanks. Remember now, I’m considerably older and have worked for what I have for 34 years since I was emancipated. My boot collection has grown over many years. I look at it this way: some guys collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect (and wear) boots. Everyone should have at least one hobby to keep them interested, and as long as they can afford it and have room to keep it, then go for it!

Further, he said, “I am way in the closet and I wish to be out, but my Religious Homophobic Parents are holding me back.”

I am very sorry about that. I do not know you or your family, but I realize that it must be hard when parents who love you do not really know who you are. I sense you are Internet savvy and can find groups who can help you. Be assured, you are not the first and you are not alone. There are other young guys in your same situation. Hold close to your family, as they are all you have. But work toward your independence to become the man you want to be.

This young guy continues, “I want a pair of boots badly, but they don’t look right on me and not to mention my parents would be in constant question mode.”

The question about how boots look on a person is a matter of self-perception. Perhaps boots he has tried have not been to his liking. Perhaps he is concerned about the perception or comments from others. Young people notice everything, and it is unfortunate but quite common that they will made snide remarks. I hate to say it, but it is all part of growing up. Place those comments in the virtual trash can and choose boots that you like and fit well. Then stand tall, smile, and walk with confidence. Expect derision, which is a frequent teenage custom, but just hold your head high and hold your tongue. Soon, if they don’t get a reaction from you, they will move on to pick on someone else.

I observe that parents who care about their children are always in constant question mode. It indicates that they are interested in you, which is a much better place to be than to be ignored. I remember when I was about 14 and wanted a pair of Frye Boots badly. I went to my Mom to ask for her help to get them. I had saved money from mowing lawns and doing odd jobs, but I needed her to drive me to the store so I could try them on.

I asked, and of course my Mom said, “why do you want those boots?” (sorta with a mutter, “of all things!”) I had prepared for that question. I decided not to say, “all the guys in school wear them” to which my Mom would undoubtedly have replied, “so if they all jumped off a cliff, would you jump with them?” [This is a perennial parental come-back to ‘all my friends do this or have that’].

Instead, I remember that I explained to my Mom about what I liked about the boots and how well they were made. I framed my answer that such good quality boots would last a long time (they have! I still have 12 pairs!) I think I remember explaining all of the characteristics about the stitching, leather soles, quality of leather, and so forth. I based my argument on quality and durability, rather than on just wants and desires. My Mom listened, and said, “okay.” Off we went, and I got my Fryes. (Remember, back in the 70s, Frye Boots were made in the U.S. from quality materials, instead of how cheaply they are made now in China via a company that owns the Frye brand name.)

The young man continued in his email by saying, “When I move out, I want to start my own boot collection, and hopefully will find a man with similar interests.”

Just take it one step at a time. When you move out, concentrate on becoming an independent person. Work, get an education, pay your bills, keep a roof over your head, and keep moving toward your goals. Sure, buy a pair of boots when you can afford them, but don’t do that if you can’t, or if you would go into debt. There are reasons to carry debt, such as for a mortgage on a home of your own. But there really isn’t a reason to carry a credit card balance over months (or years) just for boots. A home is a “need.” Boots are a “want.” Keep the differences in mind and your financial priorities straight.

Find a man with similar interests? Man, I could blog about that for days. Sure, it is nice if the guy with whom you choose to develop a long-term relationship likes boots, but it is far more important if he is an honest, caring, thoughtful, and financially pragmatic guy. Do it like I did with my partner, who didn’t have a pair of boots to his name when we met: we developed our relationship first, then I introduced him to boots. While he seldom wears them, he will. For me.

In closing, the writer said, “When I see photos of you and your partner, it gives me hope that there is someone out there for me.”

I always believe that there is someone for everyone. It takes time, so don’t push it. It is a totally unscientific observation, but gay guys take more time to find a mate and settle down. I was 35 when I met my guy, but I know in my heart that waiting was the absolute right thing to do, because I met the man who became my heart, my soul, my love, my one-and-only. And my heart didn’t get broken in the meantime.

Thanks for the message — and thanks to all for reading. I know this was long, but there was a lot for me to talk about here!

Life is short: keep the faith (and do it in boots)!

The Masculine Gay Man

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Some of my past blog posts about gay men and masculinity, or masculine gay men, or even “if” gay men can look and behave in a masculine manner, continue to be among the most viewed on this blog. They are found when people use a search engine and look up “masculine gay men” or “how to find a masculine gay guy” or “can a guy be gay and masculine.”

I read a blog post dated November 6, 2009, titled The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man. In that post, the author describes some generalities and stereotypes attributed to gay men, and takes some criticism for what he said, as well.

I found the post interesting and consistent with some things that I have said. I believe that it is possible to be gay and to behave in a typical male, masculine manner. I’m just wired that way. There are other gay men who behave more effeminately, who dress more fashionably, who speak with a distinctive voice or sound, and whose behavior is more or less obviously “gay” and therefore, is more likely to be out of the closet.

I contend that there are a number of us guys who are not so obvious in our mannerisms and behavior to be labeled immediately by straight people as being gay. The blog contends: “The reason that homosexual men who don’t fall into the common “girly-man” stereotype do not come out is because of an intense fear of being excommunicated from their social group. Suddenly, once ‘out,’ they are no longer a man.“

I both agree and disagree with this assertion. I had been in the closet for a number of years, primarily for fear of reprisal where I once worked. That’s all behind me with maturity and a change of jobs where being gay is no big deal. There are other gay men where I work, and nobody treats us differently. Some of my gay peers are quite effeminate, and some are not. We all have a job to do, and that’s that. No big deal. I remain a member of my social group which consists primarily of straight people, because they compose the members of the committees, clubs, and activities in which I choose to engage. I do not self-isolate to participate in activities only with other gay people. I like to participate with people who share common interests — not “just” being gay or “just” … well… anything.

The blogger states further: “The typically masculine gay man has no category. He has no home. For him to come out of the closet is to take off a mask that no one knew was there. This kind of personal/sexual revelation makes people uncomfortable because they are forced to ask, Who else? To admit that gay men can be manly men — and not some effeminate subspecies — makes all men ask themselves, ‘could it be me next?’ “

I sense among straight guys who participate in activities in which I participate that they do not ask themselves, “could it be me next,” but rather seem to be questioning their own perceptions of what “being gay” means. I set a different example from what their previously limited exposure to gay people has been. I live in a nice home. I live in a stable, loving relationship. I have a warm and supportive family. I have a full-time job with a regular work week. I work on several local and state political campaigns and even chaired a few in the past. I contribute to the well-being of my community through active involvement and giving my time to help others. That’s just who I am. I am complex, and not easily categorized.

And that’s my point of this particular blog post: the masculine gay man is not easy to categorize. He has his interests, activities, home life, work life, and behavior as any other person does. He may not socialize only with gay people. He may not be the guy wearing a tiara in the next LGBT parade; in fact, he probably even isn’t seen on the sidelines watching. He may, or may not, be the guy dressed in leather at the next gathering of the Great Leather Clan. He may be seen presenting testimony before city or county elected officials. He may be playing recreational sports with friends on the local rugby or softball team. He may be involved with groups that do activities he enjoys. He may be at the sports bar during “the big game” cheering on his team, or hosting “the guys” for a poker and cigar night. He may be helping to care for older parents and loved-ones.

You see, to me, a masculine gay guy is first and foremost, a guy. He is who he is by how comfortable he is in his own skin. Being gay is not his primary raison d’être.

Gay men are all colors of the rainbow, and all have a seat at the table.

Life is short: be who you are.

Not a Practicing Homosexual

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A friend and I had a conversation the other day about some issues that continue to be brought up by certain members of my extended family and their hyperconcern about the fact that I am gay and yet, for example, I served as a pallbearer at a Catholic funeral for my aunt.

He said, “it’s okay to be gay and Catholic — what they get upset about is ‘practicing the act’.”

Okay, I get it. I’ll just tell them that “I am not a practicing homosexual.”

After more than 16 years with my one-and-only man, I don’t need to practice. [giggle]

Life is short: maintain your sense of humor, and if you are like me and don’t have one, surround yourself with those who do!

On Whose Shoulder?

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Why does it matter to some people that I am in a committed, confirmed, loving relationship with a man?

Why is it that some people get so upset and all a-twitter? That they make up lies and ululate that two men in a committed relationship are having wild orgies at night and are pedophiles by day and axe-murders in between?

Why does it matter if I awaken and rest my head on my man’s shoulder, and enjoy a warm snuggle as we watch the sun rise and turn the trees to gold outside our bedroom window?

Why do others raise such a fuss if two guys build a home together and live a quiet, productive, and comfortable life?

Why is it that some want to see us fall apart or fail? That they resent that our relationship has endured longer than theirs that ended in divorce?

Why is it that some people think that our life together somehow negatively affects theirs? Their marriage? Their children?

Why can’t people just let others live and let live?

Sometimes, I just don’t get it.

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Nothing bad has happened, and nothing is wrong. I am lamenting openly after reading some really nasty stuff on some conservative blogs, in the local newspaper in articles about pending legislation in the District of Columbia, and that I hear from time to time on television.

I live a solid life, within my financial means and within the law. I contribute to the welfare of society and my neighbors. I work, pay my taxes and my bills, and do unto others as I would have others do unto me. My partner does exactly the same.

So why is it that some people think that because us two guys love one another, live together, and have a decent life that the world will end and that for some reason, their marriage is at risk?

I take pity on them, pray for them, and continue to remember that they best way to demonstrate that these people are wrong is to continue to live as we do: quietly, comfortably, and well. (Living well is the best revenge).

Life is short: love who you love, care for your neighbors, and accept.