Monthly Archives: February 2010

Gay Men-Straight Men Friendships

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The other day, someone googled the phrase, “Gay Men – Straight Men Friendships” and it ended up on this blog. But I realized that I haven’t blogged much about those types of relationships.

Okay, so I am a gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with a man — my mate, partner, best half… etc. Most of my friends are straight — as is most of the world. What is my relationship with men in my world who are straight?

To be honest, it varies. Most guys I know are open-minded, and don’t consider my sexual orientation as a threat to their manhood. But some are wary, distant, puzzled, or just don’t want to deal with it. That description fits best about the guys who I ride motorcycles with. They’re fine if I’m out there riding, but they generally prefer not to socialize with me. Then again, I don’t socialize with them much, either. Not because I don’t like them, but because the social activities besides motorcycling that they do are not something I enjoy: going to a ball game, dancing, hanging out late at a restaurant or bar. All these things don’t interest me. They never have. And not because I’m gay, but because I never have enjoyed sports, dining, dancing, drinking alcohol to excess, etc. (Just ask my twin brother!)

In the on-line community, I have enjoyed hearing from a lot of guys, both gay and straight. They all express concern and camaraderie, and bring a smile to my face in knowing that they care. While most of my on-line contacts are gay, not all are. In fact, several of the guys I communicate with regularly are straight. Sexual orientation isn’t an issue to these guys who are secure in their own self-perception.

It really all comes down to how confident and secure people are. Men who are confident in themselves, their identity, and their sexual orientation don’t care if I am gay. They care about me as a person. One who can share information, fun, and camaraderie.

I can say that I have a lot of friends, many of whom I have known since childhood. They have known me all of their lives and the fact that I am gay is never an issue because they knew me before they knew my sexual orientation.

New people who I meet generally are friendly and we get along well. Then when they find out that I am gay, some don’t think a thing about it (or indicate that they do), and some will become more distant. I let them decide how to relate to me. I don’t push myself on them (or anyone.) It’s their decision as to what type of relationship to have with me.

Does it bother me that some men distance themselves from me once they find out that I am gay? Sure. I’m a sensitive guy. But I am also mature enough to realize that some guys just don’t want to develop a deeper relationship as a friend with a guy whose sexual orientation is opposite their own.

Further, I have to admit that what forms bonds of friendships is shared interests. Are you interested in boots and leather? We can talk for days, weeks, years. You want to know about websites, blogging, wikis, etc.? Let’s talk! How to repair and remodel a house? I got ‘ya covered. Shared history in going to school and growing up together? We’ve got lots to talk about.

But if you want to know who is competing in the Olympics, what teams are playing football or baseball, or what grammafronzit fits best in a motorcycle engine, then that leaves me out. I’m just not interested in those things. Interest in sports, engines, or activities like that is not a gay/straight matter. There are a lot of gay guys who are very interested in sports, who build bikes, or fix up cars. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Issues about shared interests is what begins the development of a friendship, and builds those bonds for a durable period of time. If we aren’t interested in the same things, then we don’t have much to talk about, do we? That has nothing to do with being gay or straight as it has to do with what we can do and talk about together.

I look at who I call my “closest” friends. Two (one straight male and one straight female) from my childhood; my very close friends met through on-line activities: AZ, Clay, Kevin, and Bama — three gay and one straight. My senior pals — almost too numerous to count — and all straight. They are close because of what we have done and shared together, and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

I am a confident, secure, masculine gay man. I am well connected in my community and in my profession. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, I can live with it. I do… all the time. It’s natural, and I no longer get upset if someone doesn’t seem to want to reach out and build a closer relationship. That will happen with some people, and not with others.

Life is short: know who you are, and be happy with that. Have friends who care about you, and show you care for them.

Best Friend

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What’s a “best friend?” I think of grade school, when you picked one person to be your “best friend” and everyone else was second….

As an adult, of course, things are different. I have my partner, life-long friends, intimate friends, close friends, casual friends, and acquaintances. Of course my partner is my “bestest” friend, but that’s a different story. He’s got to be!

My life-long friends know me, or they think they know me; however, memories of the “me as a kid” sometimes affect their perception of the “me as a middle-aged man.” This applies to most of my siblings, as well. But that’s to be expected. They all love me, for who I was and who I am and who I will be. They will be with me all of my life.

My close friends are those who know me pretty well. They know I drink Coke (Zero) instead of coffee in the morning, am uber-annoyed at people who won’t “hang up and drive,” that I don’t eat broccoli, and that I abhor violence (or even play-acting violence on TV). They know when I’m feeling a bit down, and what to say to help me feel better. They let me help, and they help me. They’re “there” through thick, thin, and in between. We communicate regularly through a variety of methods, and have a good sense of what works to form that net to which I often refer — the net that supports someone throughout his life. These friends form the fabric of my “life net.”

Intimate friends, of which there are very few, not only have all the qualities of close friends, but also truly know my heart. They can read me and intuit how I feel. They know just what to say — or sometimes, what not to say. I am not referring to sexual intimacy, which is reserved only for my partner, but rather, I am referring to personal intimacy. These are the friends who I trust and allow into my personal space. Few get that close. Few ever will.

I was speaking on the phone with two of these intimate friends yesterday — AZ and my twin brother — and they each made me realize how incredibly rich I am. I have a partner who loves me, cares for me, and will do anything for me. I have a nice home. I have health insurance and am getting decent medical care. I have people who look after me and show me how they care — as I have tried to show them that I care about their well-being, too.

Further, though, AZ and J reminded me that while I feel down, frustrated, angry at being confined and hobbled, that I have talents that I can apply to get me out of these doldrums. Each in their own way urged me to engage my talents and concentrate on doing something during this period of confinement that I would not have had the time to do if I were engaged in my usual busy, active life. You know what? They’re right!

And what’s interesting to me is that both of them knew how I was feeling before I even told them. They just know me. They know my heart.

Luv ‘ya, guys… with all my heart.

Life is short: seize your talents. Your intimate, close friends want you to!

Best Unseen Surprise

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I mentioned earlier that I had arranged for a guy dressed in full leather to come to our house on Sunday, which was Valentine’s Day, to present a gift of a dozen red roses, a red velvet cake, and a card to my partner.

We began our day with a long, cuddly snuggle. We just held one another, talked, and listened to hopes, dreams, desires, thoughts, and ideas.

We enjoyed a simple breakfast. I truly wish that I could have made my partner’s favourite breakfast of waffles and all the accompaniments, but I just could not do it as my broken leg was throbbing and not behaving.

After breakfast, we went into our family room, which is on the first level, near the front door. I was working on my computer (getting the Boot Wiki going) and hoping… hoping… hoping that the guy would come with the gifts.

At 1:00pm, we had a light lunch. Still nothing.

Then the doorbell rang, and I said what I had planned to say, “will you answer it, please?” My partner grunted at being annoyed that the doorbell rang and visitors were here, but he answered the door. I got up as quietly as I could, grabbed the camera, and made my way toward the door to see who was there. It wasn’t the leatherdude, though. I had four visitors (senior pals) who came over to see me. We talked for a while, then they left.

By then it was about 2:30, and I was wondering if the guy were going to come over. I sent my partner upstairs on a ruse and quickly called my friend who arranged it, and only got his voice mail. I left a message.

My partner said, “I recorded a movie that I think you would like on the Tivo in the basement on high-def. Let’s pop some corn and go watch it.” I said, “what if some other friends come over?” He said, “I’ll just answer the door.” I really didn’t have any other excuse I could use, and my partner wanted to see that movie with me. He had this romantic, far-away look in his eye.

I hobbled down the stairs, as I didn’t want to disappoint my partner. Also, I wanted to see a movie with him. I enjoy spending time with him like that. We settled down on our sofa, got the movie started, dimmed the lights, and held hands. Soon we were involved in the plot of the movie.

We decided to take an intermission about half-way through. I hobbled over to the basement bathroom. My partner said, “I’ll take the popcorn bowl to the kitchen and use the bathroom up there. I’ll be right back.”

He went upstairs, and I got “settled” in the bathroom. Well… I don’t need to explain what I was doing, but I heard the doorbell ring and my partner answer it. He began to laugh. I knew that this was it! And here I am on the toilet with my pants down. There was no way I could get dressed and up the stairs without help. So I missed it. Damn!

My partner came back to the basement a few minutes later with a big smile on his face, and a tear in his eye. He had put the flowers in a vase. He put them on the coffee table, and began to cut slices of the cake that was delivered.

He reached out, held my hand, gave me a kiss, and said, simply: thank you, Valentine!

… then he told me that our nebby neighbor across the street saw the whole thing. We laughed uproariously.

I wish I could have been on that level to see his surprise, and perhaps have taken some pictures. But what was most important is that my valentine enjoyed his surprise.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Wanna Wiki?

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What’s a wiki, you ask? A wiki is is a website that allows the creation and editing of any number of interlinked web pages via a web browser. A wiki is essentially a database for creating, browsing, and searching through information. A defining characteristic of wiki technology is the ease with which pages can be created and updated. A single page in a “wiki” website is referred to as a “wiki page,” while the entire collection of pages, which are interconnected by hyperlinks, is “the wiki.”

One of the reasons why website interfaces like Facebook and blogs have become so popular is because they are interactive. They allow you to share information with others and leave comments. Rather than being static, providing one-way content as most “web 1.0” websites do, a wiki is part of that “web 2.0” world that allows two-way communication.

At the suggestion of a friend from Singapore, I have begun moving toward developing a “Boot Wiki.” It will provide for a medium to share information about boots beyond what I can do with my website.

It works best when people “join the Wiki team.” That way, various people can interact with it and share their collective knowledge and information. However, because the topic is narrow, and the development of this Boot Wiki is being led by a gay man, I am being careful with it. I am allowing others to register to join the Wiki Team if they ask me to join, and I know who they are. (I do not have to have met them in person, but I should have communicated with them, at least, via email.)

Would you like to be among the first to join my Boot Wiki team? If so, click here to sign up. Thanks for considering it. I think it will be fun!

Life is short: embrace new technology!


To My Valentine

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

I will keep this short, only to say that my beloved Valentine will be surprised today when a special treat that I ordered just for him is presented by a leather-clad stud. A dozen red roses, a red velvet cake, and a card. ’twasn’t cheap, but well deserved. (Thanks, Dave!)

Meanwhile, I’m feeling a bit more human. Yesterday, I put on a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt, with a real boot on my left foot. I ditched the sweats I had been wearing since I broke my right leg. Guido and I sat on the island in my kitchen and prepared cupcakes for my special valentine, my love, my hunk, my partner, my best half.

I made these cupcakes to throw my partner off the scent that something else might be delivered today. When the doorbell rings, I’ll say, “will you please answer the door since I can’t get up?” Ordinarily, my partner avoids answering the door and interacting with people, but since I broke my leg, he’s been pretty good about doing that. Since some family and elder buds have been dropping by to visit or bring (more) casseroles, he wouldn’t think twice about the doorbell ringing again. I just want to be there to see his face when the flower-bearing leatherhunk is standing there! LOL!

To the man I love with all my heart, soul, and every ounce of my being: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Reasons to Smile!

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My partner broke through the mounds of ice, snow, and … whatever … to get me to the orthopedic specialist yesterday. I have had a cast on my broken leg for almost three weeks. It was time for the doc to fish or cut bait!

Good news was that the bone in my leg had not displaced, so I could get a cast on it and I will not have to have surgery.

The bad news is that I still can’t put any weight on it so I cannot walk. Anywhere. I hobble with crutches to the bathroom and into our kitchen. But that’s it.

I don’t want to take any chances, so I am keeping it elevated and following doctor’s orders. I am a bit bummed that I can’t get around in the manner to which I am accustomed, but soon enough, I’ll be back in two boots, standing proudly, and doing what I usually do.

Meanwhile, a big broad smile remains firmly on my face, as I look at my beloved, wonderful partner who has done so much to care for me in so many ways, from helping me to bathe, to preparing meals, to accommodating my every need in every way, even if it causes him pain. He has broken us free from this mountain of snow, all with his muscles and focus on task.

I smile when I look into the faces of my brothers and sisters who have come to visit and help tend to my aunt, and some of my senior buds. I smile when I gaze into the faces of my nieces and nephews who are also pitching in. I smile when my twin brother and my best friend, AZ, call me every day to check on me. I smile when I read emails from Bama, Clay, Kevin, Brian, and some other friends, who keep me entertained and knowing that they care about me. I smiled HUGELY yesterday when a contingent of 14 elder buds dropped by … with more casseroles and nutless brownies! Woo-hoo! Bless ’em, bless ’em all. I smile because, deep down inside, I know I’m loved.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Are Boots Supposed To Be Noisy?

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I received an email the other day from a guy who asked this question:

Any time I’m in a store or wherever and there is someone who is wearing boots you can hear him from a mile away. Clop, clop, clop. My boots don’t make much of a noise when I walk, for the most part. Are boots supposed to be noisy, or are they noisy because these guys’ boots are ill-fitting?

This was an interesting question to me.

In order for a boot (or a shoe for that matter) to make a clunk, the person wearing it has to drop the heel a split second before the foot. When a boot-wearer does that, he (or she) will hear a distinctive “clunk” as the heel hits the floor sooner than the foot. On the other hand, if you walk in boots as I usually do, I place my foot on the ground slightly before the heel. Walking that way, you can barely tell from the sound that I have boots on.

What is it about wearing boots that makes some guys want to hear that distinctive “boot clunk” sound?

My answer to the writer was one of preferences. Some guys like to hear the “boot clunk” sound, and some don’t care. There are some boots that are more prone to making a clunking sound — such as vintage Frye Boots. Also, some guys modify their boot heels by having taps added, or removing the soft rubber heel plate. Those modifications cause boots to clunk — on purpose.

I admit, there are times when I will clunk my boots, but mostly when I am by myself and in an area with good acoustics — so I can hear the sound reverberate. I do that for self-entertainment (it doesn’t take much LOL!)

Other guys really like to hear that noise, and walk that way on purpose to attract attention.

Boots that make noise when they are worn make that noise because the person wearing the boots makes it happen. Seldom does the boot make a clunk all by itself. It needs “help.”

Is there anything wrong with clunking a boot, especially on a wooden floor, for example? No.

… but some people don’t like it, are annoyed by the sound, or do not understand.

We are all different. Some clunk our boots, and some do not.

Relentless

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Image courtesy of the U.S. National Weather Service, and shows snow depths from the most recent storm by color. The sickly green color means the deepest snow. I live within that sickly green area.

This is not a rant. This is not a whine. This is an observation.

Today marks the fourth day in row that the Federal Government has been closed in the DC Metro area. Actually, the feds closed a half-day last Friday, so this marks 4.5 work days that they have been closed in a row. As go the feds, goes my employer who “follows the lead” of the Federal Government. I get the time off with pay, as well. That’s good, because otherwise I would have to use vacation time until I reached the max and began using disability leave. Now perhaps I can preserve at least a few days of vacation time. We’ll see….

All day yesterday, we experienced a second round of a relentless series of storms. By evening, we had about 12″ (30cm) of snow accumulate on top of the 30″ (76cm) that had not begun to melt from the last storm. The snowfall yesterday was hard to measure because we had sustained winds of over 30mph (48kph). The winds blew the snow to cause drifts that looked as large as automobiles.

We lost power at 10:30am, and as my partner and I were debating about firing up the generator (which is not an easy feat), the power came back on. Yea! Thank goodness for small favours.

My partner went out yesterday morning and used the snowblower to remove the first 6″ (15cm) of snow, but said he would wait until today before he attempted to remove the rest of it. I agreed with that idea since the winds were howling, the wind chill was incredibly cold, and the blowing snow would cover what my partner removed. [Pictured is our little buddy Snowbeary who wants my partner to take him sledding.]

Meanwhile, we consider ourselves rather “lucky” compared with others I know who have been without power for four days (and counting), or who have had trees fall onto their house and caused significant damage. So far, for us, we’re okay. We are confined inside our house, but we are managing well. My aunt, bless her soul, is so pleasant and easy to care for. She reads, watches TV, and naps a lot. We are happy to have her with us. (She has even been able to help me out somewhat so I don’t have to try to get up and walk, which is still very difficult.)

I was able to prepare a great beef stew that went well with the homemade bread that I baked yesterday. It was that kind of day, and the stew was perfect: hearty and tasty.

Life is short: make the best of it!

Hot Buns

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I am learning how to get back to doing what I love to do: bake. I can sit on the island in our kitchen! Yippie!

You may wonder why that makes me happy. You see, I like to make our own breads, pasta, and other delights, but because I broke my leg and am under a doctor’s orders not to put weight on it, I can’t stand as I ordinarily do when I work in my kitchen. I thought my days of creating culinary delights were temporarily suspended.

However, I found that I can sit on the island in my kitchen and reach everything (or almost everything). Yesterday, my partner put all the ingredients on the island that I needed to make yeast-raised parmesan bread. I measured the ingredients and put them into a breadmaker which kneaded the dough. When the dough was ready, I formed four small loaves and put them in an unheated oven to rise. To hasten the yeast doing its work, I asked my partner to put a large bowl of hot water in the oven with the dough in the small pans.

A couple hours later, the dough had risen and it was ready to bake. I heated our bread oven (which is pretty much like a regular oven, but is only 10″ high and is lined with ceramic tile). I transferred the bread into the hot oven, and 33 minutes later, voi-la!

At dinnertime, I sliced the bread. My partner pan broiled some chicken breasts. When the chicken was ready, I put it on the sliced bread and placed some sliced mozzarella cheese on top. We put that in the oven and broiled it for about three minutes — and out came a “new” kind of hot chicken sandwich on fresh bread which made a great dinner. We enjoyed it with a small side salad.

These buns will be tasty today when I cover them with homemade meatballs and sauce so we can have a hot meatball sandwich for lunch. My partner will need to have a hot sandwich about that time, as he will have had to go remove snow again from our drive and walks. Sheesh, that snow is unmerciful this year!

Life is short: enjoy buns! Especially hot ones! (LOL!) [Sorry, I reserve my partner’s buns exclusively for me. Look, I may have a broken leg, but I’m not dead!]

Worn Thin

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Ordinarily, I am a very patient man. I work with a lot of the bureaucracy of our country’s federal government, which if that work has taught me anything, it is to be patient. The wheels of government grind very slowly. They take forever to make a decision, and often change their minds.

Currently, my patience, and that of my partner, has been tested and worn thin by this really crappy weather we have had to deal with. 30″ (76cm) of snow last weekend, and with our home county being in the target zone for some 8″ (20cm) to 16″ (40cm) of snow due to start falling later today through the night.

My partner has had to do everything, because I cannot stand up for more than a minute. From cooking to cleaning to shoveling snow to operating our generator to helping me bathe to going to get more gas and groceries between storms … you name it, he has to do it. It is really hard on him. He has tried to be as patient as he can be, and it hasn’t been easy.

I am frustrated as heck because there is very little that I can do. Our street was plowed yesterday morning, and a neighbor who has nothing better to do used his snowblower and opened up the rest of the street and neighbor’s driveways (all except his disabled next-door neighbor who he doesn’t like). I got a couple of buddies who I am tutoring for their upcoming citizenship test to come to the neighborhood and dig out that disabled neighbor (because I can’t tolerate spitefulness). They also dug out our fire hydrants so they would be accessible… just in case.

I have been helping to prepare volunteers with critical, time-sensitive, safety advice. These volunteers are using their 4WD vehicles to provide critical transportation for essential workers throughout our county. We almost lost a whole family who lives in our county. They used a cooking stove indoors during a power outage and almost died due to carbon monoxide poisoning. There is a lot of safety advice to give, but my expertise is knowing what is most critical information to give to certain audiences at the right time. As they say, “timing is everything.”

As far as the eye can see… more and more snow. Wish us safety and comfort as we prepare for the filming of the sequel, “Snowpocalypse II.” An alternate film also in production is “Snowzilla.” I just hope that they can mesh the mouth movements better than they were able to do with the original “Godzilla” movies (LOL!)

PS: If blog posts appear that are not related to our current situation with the weather, then it is likely that we have lost power and internet service again, and this blog has gone on “automatic,” meaning that some other posts I have written for “anytime” will appear each day until our power and internet service is restored.