Category Archives: Guest Blog

Observations from First Timer at MAL

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Note from BHD: The following guest blog post was written by my friend Kevin who has written guest blog pieces before and comments frequently on this blog. He was invited by a friend who lives in Washington, DC, to visit and drop by to see what Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL) weekend was all about. Here are his observations. (Sorry, no photos, but I learned a few years ago that there are some closet cases who get very upset if their image of them at MAL appears anywhere, so for respect of those who don’t want to be seen there, I have no photos to post with this message).

My weekend trip to DC was fantastic and I was quite pleased and pleasantly surprised to discover that my friend planned for me to visit this past weekend because MAL was happening and he knew that I wouldn’t venture there by myself. My preconceived ideas would have gotten the better of me and I would have missed out on a truly important growth experience. I am indeed fortunate that I can be myself with them and they love me unconditionally. As a result, I’m learning to strip away the barriers I’ve built over a lifetime. I’m thankful to have supportive and loving friends who allow me to do so.

My friend, a couple he knew, and I ventured out on Saturday afternoon to attend the leather mart. I chose to wear jeans and a pair of wingtip cowboy boots and my friend donned a rubber shirt. Unknown to me, my friend has been to several MAL events over the years and his interest leans toward rubber wear.

We made our way to the registration area and paid the $10 fee to enter the leather mart. I believe the proceeds go to charity. Heading down the escalator I spied my first view of a man wearing a**less chaps. [BHD note: all chaps are a**less, but I digress…] I anticipated encountering this sight at some point during the day and I thought it was good to see that at the very beginning. We made our way through the various rooms of leather and rubber wear and a few demonstrations of how to use some gear were going on as well. The couple we were with tried on and purchased a pair of matching harnesses from a wonderful dealer from Miami. The salesperson couldn’t entice me to try one on, however. I was far too anxious for that!

Next we ventured into the ballroom where the puppy pen was taking place. Now that’s something I really didn’t expect to see. My friend could see that my anxiety level was growing, although I thought I was hiding it pretty well, and suggested that I have a cocktail. I had a couple of beers and calmed down considerably.

The couple we were with had to leave. My friend and I spent some time in the main lobby people watching. It was fascinating. It was at that moment that it began to feel comfortable and somewhat at home. I saw all shapes and sizes of men in a variety of gear and boots and began to see how comfortable they were just being themselves. We pointed out to each other those men who wore their gear very attractively. I also began to realize that for many, their leather/rubber/police/football gear was a form of drag. A few seemed to be more serious sporting various colors of shoestrings, handkerchiefs, and the like signaling their interests in various fetish activities.

We ventured downstairs again for a short while before it was time for us to leave. I suggested that we return to the leather mart on Sunday afternoon and I purchased a couple of items myself.

The lesson I learned from my experience at MAL was that we’re all multi-faceted. I can find a man equally attractive if one day he’s wearing harness boots, a harness and a**less chaps or dressed in a suit another day. The drag doesn’t define the man. Although it may serve to characterize a particular interest that enhances how attractive he feels, it’s only clothing and what the man chooses to wear at that moment. And the same can be said about me. And if that clothing choice enhances my feelings of sexual attractiveness — all the better. I’m learning to appreciate and not fear the part of myself that is a sexual being — if that makes sense. From watching the puppies and their handlers, I also learned that there’s nothing wrong with role-play between two consenting adults. It can provide a healthy and very satisfying outlet.

So, I’ve marked it on my calendar for next year’s MAL and am strongly considering attending IML in Chicago at the end of May. LOL…I might just buy myself a harness at next year’s event.

So, my friend, there you have it…my first and hopefully not last experience at MAL. The only disappointing aspect was the lack of cowboy boot wearers. I only saw one couple dressed in matching boots, hats, vests and jeans. But the abundance of harness boot wearers more than made up for it!

Men’s Confusion on Masculinity Today

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The following guest blog was written by someone from Belgium who visited this blog, read many of my previous posts, and sent me an email. He brings to light interesting points about views of masculinity, women’s roles in today’s society, influence on choices of clothing, and more specifically, boots as a choice of male footwear.

In honor and respect of privacy, I will not reveal the writer’s name or contact information, but if you have comments, please leave them on this post or write to me and I will forward your comments to him.

Guest Blog from a Straight Man in Belgium

For me, a man’s sexual orientation is not important. But as a straight man (married, with 3 kids) I notice how many straight guys are in fact very insecure and confused.

I don’t see this confusion amongst women. What is masculine these days in a society where women are playing more and more a leading role? Is there still room for old fashioned masculinity? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that women have taken their rightful place in society, but it has left lots of men (and boys) in confusion. Not that they want to turn back the clock, but we do have to re-evaluate what being a man is about.

I wonder if the boots-are-gay-thing isn’t just an aspect of this. Women have adopted more traditional men’s wear (e.g., boots). It started after World War I, during the roaring twenties, when women in Europe demanded the right to vote. At the same time the French female fashion designer Coco Chanel invented a masculine inspired form of women’s fashion that still has its influence till now. Coincidence? I don’t think so, because a few decades later, in the sixties, gogo-boots became a huge fashion. Is it a coincidence that it started at the same time that women were massively emancipating? Again, I don’t think so.

Fashion designers are artists who just pick up the spirit of their age and transform it into fashion. So, women demanding their place in society wanted to show this emancipation by wearing powerful clothing. The fashion designers made this clothing. Boots have always been associated with power and so women wearing boots show their “girl power”. Just observe how some women wear their boots in an office and you’ll see what I mean.

But where does it leave the men?

Again, I think men are very much confused. They don’t know any more what it means to be a man. To be honest, I don’t have a ready-made-answer either. Maybe every man has to find out himself what he thinks being a man is about.

What I do know is that this confusion also makes men insecure on what to wear. Some men just play safe and stick to the suit, that always works. All the others stick to sportswear, because sports is masculine. Far searched? I don’t think so. The famous fashion designer, Dirk Bikkembergs, uses soccer as the model for his men’s clothing. Everything is soccer-based, so you’ll find lots of sneakers in his line of footwear.

Where does it leave the boots?

Well, I think lots of men stick to sneakers because it’s sports and thus masculine. Since women now mostly wear boots, some men will accuse those men who wear boots to be feminine (read gay). They get confused because “real” men wear sneakers. Ridiculous? Absolutely, but it shows the level of confusion. So, if you feel confident as a man (and I really don’t care weather you are gay or straight) wear what you want to wear, but do it with confidence. So, if you want to wear boots, do it!

And for the straight guys: women like a man with confidence. If you wear boots with confidence and style, they’ll love you for it. Because although a lot has changed, some things haven’t. Women want men with personality and for me boots are a nice way to show off my masculine personality. Trust me, it works. And now I think about it, it probably is the same in gay relationships. Don’t we all want a partner with personality?

Note from BHD: I sincerely appreciate that readers take time to send me comments or thoughts about what they read on this blog. I invite guest posts from others, and assure you that I will maintain respect for the privacy of individuals who communicate with me.

As for my footwear? I’m comfortable in my own skin (or the skin of cows). No worries, I’ll remain booted wherever I go, whatever I do.

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 3

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This is the third (and last) in a series of blog posts about relationships between straight and gay men. See Is It Hard for Straight Men to Be Around Gay Men?” from July 20, and “Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2” from July 21.

This is a guest blog piece from a straight friend who is sharing his thoughts about the issue of relationships between straight and gay men.

This guy has been a friend of mine since we met in first grade.

Dear (you),

I read your email and the post on that blog that you referred me to. I found that article mildly offensive at first, because I said to myself, “I’m not like that.” But then I thought about it, and realized that indeed I am like that sometimes with gay people I don’t know. I find myself creating more space between me and someone I know or think is gay, and I have found myself avoiding them (I don’t go to the gay pride celebrations at work, for example.)

I realized that since I grew up in a strict Catholic environment, that my perceptions of what “gay” was were influenced by the Church, my family, and my friends. I know that I have felt uncomfortable around gay people, but did not realize why. I would not say that I felt digusted. That is a very strong word. But I agree that I never understood why a man would not enjoy intimate relationships with a woman. I also felt revolted (? too strong … but highly uncomfortable) by two things: the mere thought of two men having sex with each other, and also how some gay people act — frilly and flamboyant.

I know from knowing you for what, some 48 years?, that not all gay people are the same. You have remained the same, steady, strong friend I grew up with. You were there as an usher in our wedding, when our kids were born, and helped me finish our basement. Over my wife’s objections, you taught our oldest son how to ride a motorcycle safely. You cut through the county red tape so that my twin daughters could do a significant service project and win their honors in the Girl Scouts. In so many ways, you have been closely entwined with our family, and we remain grateful and appreciative.

That made me think — we have no aversion to you (as that blog post says.) Why? Because I knew you before you identified as being gay. I did not notice that you changed when you became more open about being gay, other than your self-confidence seemed to improve, and you became more relaxed and self-assured.

We have grown to admire and like your partner, too. While we don’t see him that often, we know that he cares for you a lot and we can see how much you love him, and he loves you. Your strong bond of commitment is parallel to what my wife teaches through her work in the Church’s Relationship Education program.

I also think that how I feel about you may be different from how I feel about other gay people because you act like a man. What I am saying is that I have never understood why some gay men act so flamey. You know what I mean. You have taught me that all gay people are not the same. I have to admit that I would be more distant if you behaved the way gay people come across on TV or on the news during those gay pride parades.

I remember one time that my older brother asked me about you and our relationship when he found out you were gay. I distinctly remember him asking me if I wouldn’t be seeing you any more. I was put in the uncomfortable situation of defending our friendship. Then I thought about it, and told my brother that you’re the same guy we always knew, and that he should change — not you. He didn’t say anything to me again.

Thank you for the chance to explain, and to comment. I have never written for a blog before — or even read yours until this week. But I will always be your friend, and appreciate your friendship in return. See you next week at the crab feast!

T

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2

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This is a follow-up to my blog post from yesterday titled, “Is It Hard For Straight Men To Be Around Gay Men?”

The following is a guest blog piece. It was written by Kevin, a friend who frequently contributes to this blog. He is gay (so when he refers to “us,” he is referring to gay men).

I appreciate having such an intelligent, thoughtful friend to bounce ideas like this off of. He always responds with well thought-out ideas. Tune in tomorrow for Part 3, written by a straight friend of mine with his perspective.

Kevin shares his insightful commentary with us:

I found the post you reference to be quite interesting. The author makes a good point as he is willing to address his fear. He correctly identifies the fear of what others will think as a primary motivation for homophobic behavior. It’s also a fear of how he will be treated by those he now disagrees with.

Let’s face it, many of us remained in the closet because of the fear of rejection. Where we risk rejection by choosing to live the lives we were intended to because that’s the way we’re wired, our straight allies risk rejection for choosing to say to their friends, family, and co-workers that they no longer believe in the same things in quite the same way.

As people we gravitate to those who make us feel comfortable and with whom we share common values and outlooks. I look to lessons learned during the civil rights struggles where sympathetic whites were sometimes subjected to even greater cruelties because they were seen as traitors. An even more on-point example is the reaction of some to Cuomo in New York in calling on the Catholic Church to deny him communion because of his support of same-sex marriage.

Sympathetic straights also come under scrutiny by both camps. The homophobes may question their sexuality, but the LGBT community will always view them as outsiders who truly don’t understand us. Since “gay” has come to be far more inclusive than other differences, there’s a pressure to accept all or nothing. Our own sense of identity as LGBT individuals vary widely as we strive to carve a niche for ourselves that incorporates this trait of sexuality but doesn’t serve as our primary designation. However, sympathetic straights aren’t always given this latitude. So we now have the fear of being judged because of an inability to accept the extreme as well as the conservative.

But those fears only scratch the surface since they deal with how to relate to others. I believe the true fear is that being exposed to that which makes us uncomfortable, forces us to examine what we believe and why we believe it.

As it relates to homosexuality, I believe the true issue lies in what we believe about men and women. We have a long way to go before men will view women as equals. The roles of husband and wife and attitudes about women are still fairly entrenched in the Victorian era. The man is dominant and the woman submissive. In those instances where dominant women existed, property laws were firmly in place to ensure male dominance.

For a straight man to physically distance himself from a gay man suggests that he views human interaction in terms of mating behavior. In his mind, when sexuality is introduced, the knowledge that another man is gay suggests that the man’s only interest in him is sexually motivated. After all, his primary interest in interacting with women is based on this metric, so it stands to reason that the same applies to gay men in our relation to all other men. If he perceives himself as bigger and stronger than the gay man, he thinks of him as the woman. He views himself in the opposite light if the gay man is bigger and stronger. Either way he feels uncomfortable.

Some straight men profess to consider homosexuality wrong but have little problem with lesbianism when presented for their entertainment and control. The pornography industry has capitalized upon this for decades. Those same men have problems with gay men because those same rules of dominance and submissiveness don’t readily apply yet they try to force the dynamic. One must be the woman and the other the man in the relationship.

Yet, when one looks at the top/bottom dynamic in some gay relationships, our society affords men with privilege that still forces one to look at the relationship as one of equals. Straight women may fall into a similar expectation of behavior. Those who offer the loudest protest to same-sex relationships seem to believe that somehow they lack something that only men can bring to the relationship. Talk of equal partnership is just talk at the end of the day. For these women, the Victorian sensibilities as they relate to men, women, sexuality, and sexual intercourse are what they seek.

I appreciate Kevin’s insights, and hope you find his post and thoughts as intellectually interesting as I have.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 written by a straight friend of mine.

Is the Alpha-Male a Real Person?

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This is another guest blog post from a friend whose experience and background is similar to my own. The photos of the boots shown in the post below are from my friend’s collection.

By: the Only Booted Man in Town

In a previous guest blog, I talked about why I wear cowboy boots in a US state where doing so is an oddity. Not unheard of; just a rare occurrence. Here I delve into the correlation between boot-wearing and that scary thing called Masculinity.

Let me talk about my own personal story a bit before I jump into generalities. I grew up in a stable home. No dysfunction, or no more dysfunction than is found in typical families. I had a happy childhood. But I was a loner for the most part. I did have friends, but a lot of times, when I got a good friend they moved away. Or they started playing with other kids. I was bullied in elementary school (sound familiar?) because I wasn’t that typical boy and didn’t do typical boy things, and wasn’t good at sports. Picked last on the team, beamed by the ball at dodgeball — you name it, it happened to me. I was a crybaby — don’t know why I did, but the waterworks opened uncontrollably without warning and oftentimes for no great reason. And the things I where I excelled were things that weren’t manly back in the 1970s, like cooking and baking.

I longed to be a guy and to be good at guy things.

As the years went by, I did find my niche among other kids. I stopped dressing like a nerd and had friends. We weren’t the most popular kids at school, but I held my own and didn’t get picked on any more except by one or two bozos. I learned to play the bagpipes in my 20s, and bonded with a pretty wild bunch of guys — it takes a lot of balls to wear a kilt in public, and don’t mess with a group of rowdy pipers. We carry knives. I learned to weave and work with textiles — and felt guilty that those things that I liked to do weren’t manly enough. It took years before I realized that weaving is okay, and that most professional weavers were men.

I turned out okay. I got married and have two sons. I teach cooking classes at a living history museum where I work. Those classes, filled to capacity, are for boys only. I still can’t ride a bike or throw a baseball. But I am starting to realize that that is okay too. Yet, still, there is that part of me still searching for a masculine identity that escaped me as a child. And I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through.

How do boots reflect my struggle with Masculinity? When I was younger, I fell in love with boots because of their rough manliness. I remember finding a pair of my dad’s rubber boots in the basement one day when I was about 5 and putting them on, and suddenly feeling more manly. I have talked about getting my first pair of cowboy boots in a previous guest blog. When I put them on, I felt more manly too.

And now I wear cowboy boots all the time. I admit that I wear them in part because they make me feel manly and powerful. Like a cowboy. Silly, well, yes, but so be it. But I have come to realize that it is okay to wear boots because they make me feel good. It took a lot of inner struggle to come to this realization. The questions kept popping up in my head: am I being TOO male? Don’t only gay guys wear boots? And if a guy looks at my boots in “that way,” won’t it bother me? All those questions come up in my mind from time to time. The answer is no, gentle reader, to all of the above.

Maybe this whole tale hits a nerve with some of you. Maybe not. But I think we all try as men to be the best men that we can be, regardless of sexuality or whatever. We all struggle with that ideal picture of the great testoterone-filled Alpha Male that we wish we were. Society’s latest penchant for male-bashing doesn’t help, either.

As I get older, I realize that I am who I am, and will be who I will be. I have started to understand that that testosterone-laden, cigar-chomping, booted leather-clad Alpha Male never was a real person, and only serves to cause us problems when we pretend he IS real.

It isn’t bad to wear boots or leather or whatever if it makes you more in touch with Masculinity. But don’t let that dreamed-up image overcome reality.

So, we press on.

Be who you are, and be proud of who you are.

Something to ponder in your own struggles in this thing called life…

Note from BHD: thanks again to my friend for sharing great insights and sharing some more photos of his great boot collection. Return to this blog tomorrow for my thoughts on this matter.

Chill!

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Guest blog post by BHD’s twin brother, J

Okay, bro, I’m joining in, too, and then we will let you take your blog back tomorrow. (giggle.)

You say “life is short” then give a little quip about what the particular posts means. To me, life is short and you show us how to live. How to really live. Your exuberance is exhausting, man! I don’t know how anyone can do all the things that you do and still get 8 hours of sleep each night, take care of your partner, your senior friends, your home, and still appear at a public hearing now and again… board meetings, community events, and so forth and so on.

Embracing life is a wonder, and I wonder each day about it. I wake each morning and ask, “what would my brother do?” … then add three more things on my “to-do” list! (Smile.) Seriously, you have taught me how to make priorities to engage in things that I might not have done otherwise — outside of work, of course!

Meanwhile, I have one strong recommendation for you: Chill! Go sit out in your backyard park with your partner, lie on the hammock, and just chill.

You were telling me the other day that you have picked up two more seniors in your cadre to care for. It’s not the same as taking care of our beloved aunt, and I know you are trying to fill the hole left after her death. But you need to take care of you. Go ride your Harley, take a walk with your partner, read a book. But not all at once as you are wont to do! Chill!

Meanwhile, I’ll embrace your joy and how you love to live, and share it with us.

Loving you from afar, ore e sempre. J.

Fire Guy Responds

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Not to be left out, my local Community Hero has written the following piece as a guest blog for me. Thanks, buddy. I value and appreciate your contributions to our community and its safety, and our long and enduring friendship.

———————–
Call me “Fire Guy.” I work in the Fire Department that serves the county where BHD lives. I’ve known BHD for a long time. We have worked together on a lot of community projects over the years — mostly on senior citizen home safety projects.

He calls me his “Community Hero.” Actually, BHD is MY Community Hero. This is what he has done for us:

1) He speaks up and attends a lot of public hearings when issues related to our Department are on the block. He continues to communicate behind the scenes with elected leaders in our county, never letting them forget what he (and our Department) consider to be important.

2) He advocates for legislation that helps residents of our County be safe — from home fire sprinkler systems (like he has in his home) to fire drills in businesses to safety checks for kids’ car seats — he’s always someone we can rely on to keep the focus on these important matters. I’m not allowed to “lobby,” but since BHD knows all these people from his long service in our County, it’s nothing for him to pick up the phone and get these people on the line, and passionately articulate the finer details so we get the support we need. I haven’t seen anyone who serves purely as a caring citizen-volunteer do that better.

3) He voluntarily leads a “home fix-up for safety” effort twice a year. Over the past 12 years, his work has led to over 1,100 homes of seniors have improvements installed so they can live there more safely. He gets donations to provide better lighting, new smoke alarms, CO detectors, non-slip mats for the bath, grab-bars, and similar things for people. He has raised over $90,000 in donations to support this work, which is an amazing feat. (He claims he’s not a fundraiser. Ha!)

BHD calls me his “community hero” because I go around and give fire safety talks, work with local fire departments to train them on how to do fire safety education with kids and the community, and keep our Facebook and Twitter feeds up-to-date with relevant information. He frequently comments on my Facebook posts to strengthen our Department’s message.

To me, he’s the true hero. He does this because, as he says, the paybacks are two things: knowing seniors and the community are more safe, and also for the smiles. He says that a smile is worth more than anything he could be paid in dollars.

I have read his blog and the posts over the last few days, and asked him if I could join in. So here I am, paying tribute to my Community Hero. Thanks for all you do!

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Closing note from BHD: I did not edit what is written above, though I wanted to take out some of the superlatives. Honestly, I am not all that. I am honored to work closely with a man who does so much in service for our county and our community. I think we make a great team. Thanks again, my friend. See you soon!

A Motor Officer’s Story

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This is a guest blog post by a motorcycle police officer who works in a county sheriff’s office in a U.S. southern state. He wrote to me two years ago to ask some questions, and then noticed my “writer’s block” post a few days ago, and wrote to me again. He contributed the following post to appear on this blog.

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My name is … well … it doesn’t matter. Call me Officer X. I have been serving the citizens of my community for ten years, and have been riding a motor for the past seven. It’s not easy work. Lots of hostility sometimes when I write a cite, but as an officer whose blog both BHD and I follow says, “if you got stopped, you deserve it.”

I found BHD’s website when I was searching for information on why my Dehner boots hurt my ankles when I wore them. I discovered — after the fact, of course — that Dehner boots need to be broken in manually by bending them at the ankle to get a straight crease BEFORE putting them on. I found that out on BHD’s website and his blog.

I asked him some questions a few years ago, and appreciated the informative and cordial response. I haven’t written to him since … until the other day … but have been following his blog since I found it.

I have a wife, three kids, a dog, and another child on the way. It’s fun being a father. It is also interesting to serve as a motor officer. But you can find out about that in other places on the web, on blogs, and such. What I’m saying is that I am a straight guy; yet, I find BHD’s blog informative, interesting, eye-opening sometimes, and helps me understand what a life is like being a gay man in a straight environment. There were a lot of things that I wasn’t aware of. I think his blog has helped me serve the citizens where I live, gay or straight.

BHD asked me to answer some questions. Here goes:

1. What do you think about the boots and uniform?

I like to wear a uniform. Sharp, clean, pressed, with shined boots. Comes from my background in the military. I get perturbed when I see fellow motor officers with dirty, crappy boots. It makes them look like they don’t care about their appearance. Otherwise, I don’t think about it very much. It’s what I wear. The boots are a requirement. I like to wear them, but when I get home, the boots come off, get cleaned and shined, and then I put my sneakers on and go play with the kiddos.

2. How many pairs of boots do you have?

I have 3 pairs of motorboots. I get a new pair every year (except this year because of budget cutbacks). I wear older boots when I am on traffic duty, especially in bad weather and when I am stuck in a cruiser instead of on my motor. I wear my newest boots when I have escort duty or in court. I don’t own any other boots. (Sorry, BHD, I don’t wear boots off the job.)

3. What do you do with your old boots?

Throw them away. By the time I toss them out, they’re trashed. While BHD has told me that there would be a market for “cop worn boots” … I’m not into that, and I don’t want to deal with ebay or having strangers contact me about my boots. No way.

4. What manufacturer of boots do you prefer?

I like Dehner boots, but as BHD said, Dehner boots get damaged easily. I ride a Harley and there are times when the bike’s exhaust pipes have melted the side of the right boot. Never happens to the left. My Department will buy regular Dehners for me. I have also worn Chippewa motorboots. They’re fine, but the leather seems to be thinner and they wrinkle and sag at the ankles. I don’t like that. My Department doesn’t allow engineer boots, so I don’t have any of those chippewa high shine boots that BHD has.

5. Do you ride a personal motorcycle?

I had one, then the kids came along and my wife “suggested” that I get rid of it. I wasn’t riding it very much, so I sold it. Other officers in my unit have personal bikes. I seem to be carting the kids around in the minivan a lot these days, anyway. No time to ride when I’m not on duty.

6. Last question: you said that you learned something from reading my blog. What did you learn?

Lots of things… I guess first of all, not all gay men are prissy. No really, that’s what I thought for a long time. I’m being honest. Seriously, though, I learned that there is embedded discrimination in the law. I am a man of the law, and enforce it. The laws I enforce are not about gay things, but being a servant of the law, I have learned that some laws force some people to have to deal with things that hurt them. That bothers me. Like BHD can’t get his partner’s health insurance coverage like my wife can. BHD’s partner may have an inheritance tax if he outlives him, where my wife automatically gets the house and our assets tax-free if I die before she does. Things like that. It’s not fair. I’m all about fairness.

Another thing that I learned is that people are people and everyone is different. I knew that, of course, all along, but I had some misconceptions and held stereotypes about gay men. Like many people, I called them “gays” until I realized the term is insulting. BHD has done well to explain how labeling hurts.

I didn’t know any gay people and didn’t know much about them. Then I found out that two guys in our Department are gay. They act like BHD does — just regular guys. I had thought that if we had any gay cops, they would wash out during training or say or do things that would be noticeably … well … “gay.” I learned how to look past the stereotypes and look at people for who they are, not for behaviors I might have been told (incorrectly) to expect from gay men. And my fellow cops who are gay will have my back and I’ll have theirs — first they are trained officers. Being gay has nothing to do with it. (I have had to sit some of my fellow officers down and explain that.)

Through this blog, I learned that the lifestyle isn’t about being gay. BHD’s lifestyle is being a decent, honest, hard-working, and caring man. Someone I’d like to have as a neighbor. So to sum up, I learned that there isn’t a “gay lifestyle” as others have said. This newer understanding about people (gay or straight, black or white or whatever) got me appointed to a special Task Force in our County that draws together reps from county agencies with reps of various groups so we can understand each other better and suggest policy changes. (You didn’t know that, did you BHD?) I enjoy it.

Thanks BHD for the information that you provide, and for the dialogue.

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Closing note from BHD: thank you, Officer X, for this great blog post and for answering my questions publicly. You embarrassed me a little bit, but thanks for the compliment on my character. I’d like to have you as a neighbor, too. Congratulations on your appointment to the community Task Force. Your attitude is spot on for this assignment. Ride safe, and thank YOU very much for your service.

A Booted Man in an Unbooted State

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This is a guest blog post written by a man with whom I have been exchanging email for a while. He has written to me about some of the posts on this blog which he told me have been both informative and some have been amusing (like my “amusing google search” posts that appear from time to time.) He’s a teacher and enjoys wearing boots, but in a U.S. state where few men wear cowboy boots on a regular basis. The photos with this post are pictures of some of the boots in his personal collection. Here’s his story.

By: The Only Booted Man in Town

I am a nonconformist by nature. I hate doing what other people do, and despise doing things because they are trendy. Maybe that’s part of why I wear cowboy boots in a part of the country where most guys don’t.

But there’s more to it than that. Let me get on the leather couch for a minute and relax, and let my mind wander to the past. Ahh, there we go.

Here is my bootman story.

When I was in high school, cowboy boots were cool for guys. We were just coming off the “Urban Cowboy” thing, and boots were all over the place. Except on my feet.

I was a nerd by nature, and not well-respected by my peers. I was shy as well, which didn’t help things. Yet I lusted after a pair of boots. Don’t know why. Just really liked them. Finally right before Christmas, my mom and I were in the mall browsing around. We passed a display of cowboy boots in one of the stores. Looking at them, I thought, “Man. Do I actually ask for a pair?” I did. That Christmas morning I found a pair of new boots under the tree. I was in love. I put them on and wouldn’t take them off. Now as I look back, I think, man, those things were terrible. They were made by Fortina in Brazil, tan, with buck stitching on the side. They had two-inch stacked heels, and really were not that great to walk in, but I loved them nonetheless. I wore and wore those things. I still have them and occasionally still do wear them. Did I become the most popular guy in school? No. But girls still did notice them, which is more than what had happened to me before. I kind of liked being a couple of inches taller (once I learned how to walk in them.)

Other trends happened. Boots were replaced by Jazz Oxfords (ick), and my beloved pair of cowboy boots sat in the closet. But I couldn’t get rid of them. So I kept them. High school turned in to college and grad school. Marriage and two sons happened. And yet those boots sat in the closet. My wife even asked me once, “How come you never wear your kickers?”

Then, out of the blue, one day, I put them on. And fell in love all over again. I was that couple of inches taller, walked a little prouder, felt a little more manly. Hmmm…. I wonder if there are any cowboy boots on ebay. Let me look here for a minute.

Alakazam. Boot Acquisition Disorder (BAD) hit really hard. Before I knew it, I owned over 35 pairs. Yes, a modest collection by bootman standards, but a lot for me. I have more shoes than my wife! I wore them every day at home and around town. At first I was self-conscious. Too gay, I thought. Too manly. Too whatever. I googled “are cowboy boots gay” and ended up a BHD’s website (yes, BHD, I was one of “those guys” with the weird google questions). Slowly, but surely, I stopped being so self-conscious about them and wore them in different places, like the junior high school where I work. That took a lot of guts. At first there were a few comments, some by kids, some by male teachers, but they have stopped. (Where’s your horse, pardner?) Now boots are a bit of a trademark with me.

That’s the story. But why? Why do I wear cowboy boots here in the North country where we are thousands of miles away from the South and the West?

Part of it is that they are masculine. I am a quiet man by nature, and definitely not a jock. Can’t throw a football worth a damn. I’d rather work with textiles than power tools. Never even learned to ride a bike. But I love to ride horses. English, though. Not Western. Go figure.

Part of it is the fact that not everybody else around here wears them. I kid that I am the only booted man in town. And for the most part I am. I am also only one of two men in town with a handlebar mustache. But who cares?

I wear them because I like them. I wear them because they are comfortable. I wear them partly for the Marlboro man mystique. I wear them because my wife likes it when I wear them. I wear them too because they represent independence, individuality, and strength.

Most of all, I wear them because I am me.

So there, in a nutshell, is why I wear cowboy boots.

Marriage Is Postponed

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I was deeply saddened, but to be honest, not surprised, that the bill in my home state of Maryland that would afford my partner and me, and all same-sex loving couples in my state, the ability to marry, was referred back to Committee on Friday, March 11, by our state’s House of Quivering Delegates. That action (or inaction) effectively killed it for the year.

There were many articles about this decision that appeared in various media outlets and political blogs. I also read many messages about it from some Delegates who represent areas of the county where my partner and I have our home.

The only good news, if there is good news, is that the bill was referred back to Committee, so it can come up again in the House next year and not have to be re-introduced and go through our State Senate again. Just because it passed in our Senate this year doesn’t mean that it will next year. Elected leaders change minds sometimes.

After reading through the wailing and the political stuff, what became apparent is that the reason why the bill didn’t pass our House of Delegates was last-minute pressure put on Delegates who serve a county south of us, whose population is predominantly African American, many of whom belong to organized megachurches. While this bill was never a religious matter — in fact it’s title and content called it, “Religious Freedom and Protection” because it clearly stated that a religious institution did not have to conduct same-sex marriages if it didn’t want to — nonetheless, the members of what the media describes as “Black Megachurches” became active on the matter when our State Senate passed the bill. The church members took that action as a “wake-up call” and began calling and visiting their Delegates, telling them to oppose the bill.

This puzzled me, but after looking into it, and with the help of a good friend who is much more knowledgable on these issues than I am, I learned what happened and why it happened. My friend wrote me an explanative piece which I would like to feature, below, as a guest blog post. Read on.

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I had very high hopes for a positive outcome and it saddens me that once again our rights have been denied in the name of Christianity. I have to remember that the fight for civil rights is an ongoing struggle. Thanks for thinking of me as you wrestle with this matter. As one who grew up in the black church and with family members who have been very active and have led churches, I think I can shed some light. There are several points that come to mind.

By and large, black churches are represented by evangelical denominations that focus on a literal and conservative interpretation of the Bible and believe the words written there were not influenced by those societies and are timeless.

Historically, Baptist and Methodist denominations have been most influential in establishing black churches throughout the country from the era of slavery through Jim Crow. Maryland, Virginia, and other southern states with large slave populations were fertile grounds to these denominations. In my experience, these dominations believe in a literal Biblical interpretation. Each will point to the clobber passages, the verses about Sodom and Gamorrah, and Paul’s writing in the New Testament to say that homosexuality is a sin. Combine that with the evangelical position that to be a true Christian you must denounce sin and ask God to change your sinful nature, you have a recipe that doesn’t allow room for the consideration that homosexuality is another variant of human sexuality, and no more or less sinful than heterosexuality. Once you are baptized, by full immersion, you are a “new creature” who is expected to reject your sinful past and embraces everything holy.

When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, it used to be common practice for churches to require young women who became pregnant out of wedlock, to come to the front of the church to apologize to the congregation for ther sin. In fact, about 10 years ago a cousin my age did just that at the church her father pastored in Tennessee. It was only after she did so that she was considered to be fully repentant of that sin. I’m sure my uncle took that memory to his grave feeling that he could rest easily. So, it’s not that homosexuality is a greater sin than any other, it’s just that, like pregnancy out of wedlock, it’s readily observable, easily identified, and in the mind of the devoute, the result of willful behavior.

I give that example to show the conservative nature of many black churches in rigid belief systems that tend to make no allowance for any position that does not fit squarely into what a literal interpretation of the Bible affords. It’s not just their belief that we as gays are sinners, but that we’re unrepentant sinners that forces them to fight so diligently against our rights. They truly believe that if we just stop the sinning, there will be no need for special rights and considerations.

This rigid belief system makes them very easy prey to the exploitations of organizations like NOM, Focus on the Family, and others like them. Because, at the end of the day, this only became an issue for the black churches to become involved in at 11th hour. This is not a platform that black churches routinely focus upon. Employment, education, and adequate health care in the black community are the issues of greatest interest and need. The megachurches no doubt were willing to enter the fray given their view of the role of civil government. According to the website of Metropolitan Baptist Church, a black megachurch in that area, “We believe that civil government is of divine appointment, for the interests and good order of human society (1); and that magistrates are to be prayed for, conscientiously honored and obeyed (2); except only in things opposed to the will of our Lord Jesus Christ (3) who is the only Lord of the conscience, and the Prince of the kings of the earth (4).” I’m sure the anti-gay organizations played upon this to elicit their support.

What LGBT organizations have to learn is that marriage equality will never be seen by these types of black churches as a civil rights issue until they can demonstrate that black LGBT families suffer disproportionately when these rights are not preserved.

Marriage says to my employer that my spouse is covered by my health benefits with no questions asked. Even a progressive employer might provide benefits for my partner, but as you know, they’re taxed. That represents less money for basic necessities for your family. Couple that with the fact that black households typically earn less than white households, you begin to demonstrate the unfairness that not having marriage equality produces.

I took a look at the website of your state’s LGBT-serving organization and my suspicions were confirmed. They suffer from a lack of diversity that make them appear to be an organization interested only in the rights of middle and upper middle class white gays and lesbians — a population that’s very foreign to the black church community. So, at first glance, gay marriage is not a issue of concern for the black community.

The role of the black megachurches in Maryland can be seen as comparable to the Jerry Falwell Christian Right of the Reagan era. The Maryland Delegates were no fools in not ignoring their voices. Megachurches have million dollar budgets and the loyal financial support of thousands of congregants. The black church teaches the principle of tithing. So, devout members regardless of income, willingly offer 10 percent of earnings each Sunday morning. The message to a Delegate is that he can either listen to this voice, or be replaced in the next election by someone who will. Harry Jackson has said as much in a recent statement.

So, where does this leave us? Will the black church move to a more inclusive stance? It’s doubtful as long as it holds steadfastly to its evangelical stance. I wrote to you earlier this year that I have become an Episcopalian. In addition to being a gay affirming and welcoming denomination, for the most part, the church’s history of facing and working through its race, LGBT, and gender issues is very appealing to me. There will be hope for black churches when they go the same exercise and realize that welcoming those who only look, think, and behave like you isn’t what you’ve been called upon to do. Many seem to have forgotten that those Jesus associated with were those on the fringes of society…tax collectors, lepers, non-Jews, and women. And those he had the harshest lessons for were the religious.

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[BHD back again]: I should point out that it is not “all” Black churches or clergy in my state who oppose same-sex marriage. Several brave clergy members representing those churches stood up to be counted and made impassioned pleas on behalf of those of us who are gay. However, there were not enough of them, and the majority (closed-minded) opinion won the day.

I appreciate my friend’s knowledge and insights which help me to understand what needs to be done next year. The battle ain’t over by a long shot, and some day, I will stand in a civil proceeding in my state and look my partner in the eye, and say, “I Do.”

Life is short: let us marry.