Category Archives: Guest Blog

Brothers

Posted on by

This is a guest blog post written by my sister M

This is the first time I have written something for my little bother’s blog. Yes, you read that right — my brother who goes by “BHD” uses the reference “your little bother” when he closes his email messages to me. The phrase dates back to when we lived under the same roof and, let’s say, we had many sibling arguments.

We both grew up. He is not a bother to me, but is a cherished friend. His twin brother, as well as my five other brothers, are also very close.

It is time to recognize and thank my brother “BHD” and his twin “J” for their steady, complete, and enduring love and affection, their help and sincere support throughout my life. They are great uncles to my children and great “great uncles” to my grandchildren.

Each of them inspire me to be better. To be a good person. To live life completely. To give back in return for all of the blessings bestowed upon me.

I am truly blessed with these great men in my life who lead, let’s say “naturally.” With grace, dignity, and downright beauty, they do not talk about taking action to resolve the world’s problems — they just do it.

BHD is a marvelous caregiver with the biggest heart I have ever seen. He has deep faith that comforts the most troubled souls. His dedication to caring for our uncle and aunt as they aged and became infirmed was legendary. A true demonstration of love. His commitment to caring for his husband for the duration of his illness and putting up with a tremendous strain throughout those awful months is a testament to the characteristics he possesses that I have long admired: persistence, patience, “unflusteredness,” and enduring love.

J, the ultimate professional, carried out a very difficult career with tremendous dignity and stature. I am still amazed how my little brother, the jock football team captain, grew up to be such a great man who has won respect from political leaders in our country and around the world. And today in his retirement, he is working to help through direct action to resolve suffering, pain, malnutrition, and illness — as he says, “one small community at a time.”

Both of my brothers will celebrate another birthday tomorrow. My gift is that I get to celebrate them every.single.day.

With love for my brothers, happy birthday and thank you for being the men you are.

Sister M

No Reason For This Post

Posted on by

Hi, this is J, BHD’s twin brother. I have hijacked his blog again to write one of my occasional guest posts.

I am working on a volunteer project to assist people to re-establish their lives after living through social turmoil and political strife. I will not say where I am other than I am not on the continent of Africa. I guess I can also say I’m here because I speak the indigenous local language that I learned years ago on my “real job.”

I seldom have internet access, so that is why you have not seen comments on this blog’s posts since I began this assignment in May. I am now in a major city in this country for a series of meetings, and there is good internet access in the hotel — so here I am.

There is no reason for this post. Not really. It’s not about me, anyway. It is about how I got here. I credit that to my big lug of a brother (who you know as “BHD”) whose caring heart and actions to extend that caring to me and to others affected me deeply.
Continue reading →

Motorman Speaks

Posted on by

This post is a guest blog from a friend

MCbootsHi, call me “Motorman.” I am a motor officer who serves on the local PD where BHD lives. He has been on my case for months to write something for his blog about what I feel like when citizens ask me questions.

Here goes. What is the most frequent question I am asked?
Continue reading →

Straight Guy’s Perspective on My Brother’s Same-Sex Marriage

Posted on by

This is an invited guest blog from my twin brother, J. I asked him to write it because I have been puzzled a great deal about why some people say publicly that my marriage to the man I love somehow changes the definition of marriage. My brother is a practicing Catholic, and is married to a woman.

————————–
Handsrings01First of all, let me publicly express that I was thrilled to have the honor to serve as the Best Man (in a sense) at the marriage ceremony for my brother and the man he has loved for 20 years. I say that I was Best Man “in a sense” because the marriage ceremony was conducted as a civil matter by a judge in the county courthouse — it was not a wedding attended by guests followed by a reception, party, or public celebration.

My brother and I were raised in a huge family, most of whom remain active members of the Catholic Church. Some of my siblings chose to leave the Church for various reasons — my brother included. We have had many long discussions about this matter. Let me suffice it to say that I believe that my brother is a man of Faith — I see it every day in his actions. But enough about that.

So I am straight, married to a woman, and a Catholic. How, then, could I stand beside my brother when me was married to a man? Doesn’t it somehow change the definition of marriage when the State allows men to marry each other?

I have read many blogs and posts from a variety of people on the Internet and in the newspapers — particularly back home in Italy which is not nearly as progressive as other countries of Europe. Some of the items that I read express rather extreme and hateful points-of-view. The authors come across as hypocrites and bellicose Bible-thumpers. These type of people do nothing to win favor to their position against same-sex marriage.

Some more moderate people, regardless of religious belief, have expressed that they think that same-sex couples should be allowed to have a civil union and therefore obtain the same rights as opposite-sex couples have when they marry. Trouble is, each state in the United States and the U.S. Federal Government recognize “marriage” and provide certain rights to married couples, but the language in the law reserves the legal recognition and extension of rights to people who are “married” but not “unioned” (or whatever the term may be.)

For me, personally, having served the United States Government in the Military and in Federal Service for 32 years, I strongly believe in what the Founding Fathers of the United States designed: complete separation of church and state (government.) Our Government should not be engaged in any way with religious beliefs. It should be totally non-secular. Not anti-religion, but not religious. That is a big deal.

It comes down to the State (government) providing for a way for my brother and his spouse to be recognized as a married couple so they can receive the same treatment under the law as any other married couple. Yes, call this “marriage equality” but don’t call it “redefinition of marriage.”

In my opinion, marriage is not redefined because the State allows in its laws for same-sex couples to obtain a marriage certificate, have a civil legal procedure performed, and as a result, be labeled a “married couple.” Marriage is a civil act — anyone who wants to marry must obtain a marriage certificate from the State, regardless if they are opposite-sex or same-sex couples, and regardless if they are gay or straight.

My perspective on all this? Basta with the politics. Basta with the religious hype. On with the deserved legal recognition of a relationship I have admired for many years. My brother has done so much for and with his spouse, I could not imagine any other way to describe it — LOVE. Why deny rights to loving couples? How does their marriage in any way damage or affect your marriage? I just don’t get it.

I am thrilled to have a brother of integrity, honesty, faith, and determination as I have in my twin, and appreciate and recognize that my brother-in-law shares these same values. I love them both, and always will.

Congratulations, and much love from me and my wife. Now, let’s gather the whole fam-damily and party!

Blog-napped

Posted on by

This blog has been blog-napped. The whereabouts of the perpetrator are somewhere between Rome, Italy, and Maryland, USA.

Yes, this is J, BHD’s twin brother. Why I have I blog-napped my brother’s blog?

Well, it’s simple — he and his ever-reclusive partner are getting married.

THIS WEEK!

Stay tuned for more information, once I pry his computer out of my butt for spilling the beans….

J

One Straight Man’s Perspective on Gay Marriage

Posted on by

This guest post was written by someone who wrote to me after reading my post about marrying my partner. He gave me permission to post his message on this blog.

I read your blog about marrying your partner. Congratulations. I’m glad that will work for you. I also read your post about a low-key event–glad you’re doing it that way. I want to comment on my perspective of the difference between a same sex marriage and a same sex wedding.
Continue reading →

Your Light, Your Love

Posted on by

Guest post by BHD’s partner

This is the first time I have written a post for your blog. I wanted to say in a public forum what I can’t put to words — how much your caring for me during the last year when I have been so sick means to me.

I know that I am not the easiest person to be around even when I am healthy. I know my disease makes me even more difficult. I’m sick, it hurts. I am angry at how long I have been sick, despite all the treatments with antibiotics and supplements that the specialists recommend. I know that I have placed quite a burden on you and our relationship.

As bad as things are, I still see you smiling at me for no reason. You give me that goofy grin or tell me a silly joke or make a pun, just to try to get me to laugh. I so need that, even if I react quite the opposite.

I see you go to great lengths to make me happy. You prepare yeast-free and gluten-free foods for me that you call rabbit food and dislike even the smell of it while you are cooking it. But you do it for me. You have more than adjusted your personal life to center on me and my needs, forgoing all else, including riding your motorcycle as much as you ordinarily would.

Your faith is a tremendous beacon on which I draw hope, when otherwise I have despair. I have not known anyone, including my parish priest, who has such deep faith. I can’t describe it. It’s there. You show it in how you act and what you do — not only for me, but for your family and your senior friends. You’ve said that your faith carries you forward. To me, your faith gives you steadiness in times of tempest. I am truly blessed to be loved by a such a faithful and devoted man.

Beyond faith, you are extremely patient. I know that I have tested your patience, probably every day. You listen to a lot of bullshit from my disease, and let a lot roll off your big, strong shoulders. I don’t know if I could muster 1/10 of the patience that you have. I know you said that you learned patience when caring for your aunt during her decline, but you have more skill and finesse in being patient among anyone I have every seen.

I think it is both your faith and your patience that have cemented our relationship, weathering the tremendous hurricane-force storm we have gone through since last November.

I can’t put into words how deeply I love you. How much I admire your rock-solid, steadfast support, and how superbly you have organized everything for me. You continue to fight my health insurance company’s denials (you are 8 for 8, amazing), taking on that behemoth, uncaring and thoughtless company as if it is a great game to fight and to win. You do that so well by how you document everything for easy future reference and referral.

But most of all, you make it seem as if it’s nothing at all. I know the opposite is true. Your focus on me and my recovery is so much appreciated. I know you have said, “it’s what I do, in sickness and in health,” quoting the line from a common wedding vow. Regardless if we can get married, you live every day as if we are, and show it through your actions.

I LYAWM, always, forever. Thank you is not enough, but will have to do.

Guest Blog 2

Posted on by

Hi, this is J, once again. I’m BHD’s twin brother. I occasionally write a guest post on my brother’s blog.

My wife and I have safely returned to our home in Italy, after an all-too-brief visit with my brother and our family last week for our birthday. We enjoyed our visit very much. Did I say it was too short?

We would have liked to have stayed longer, but my wife had to return to work and I have a field assignment coming up for my volunteer position, and I need to get ready for it. I’ll be out in the field for at least two months, hoping to reduce the suffering of war-torn people.

My brother gave me a pair of boots to wear for my field work — a pair of very sturdy and comfortable boots by Belleville. He has a pair and had me try them on when I visited. I liked them a lot, so he went to a local store and bought me a pair for my birthday. Very thoughtful, indeed. This field work requires a much different choice of clothing — no suits! My brother is happy about that. He always had a comment or two about my attire and dress shoes. I must say, I am much more comfortable now in cargo pants and boots. (Ha, you’d never think you would hear me say that, brother, would you!)

I could opine about my feelings for my brother and what he’s going through in assisting his partner to deal with and recover from that persistent, long-term infection caused by a spirochete transmitted by a tick, but I won’t. My previous post was edited — rightly so — as I revealed a bit too much personal detail.

I just worry. I worry a lot. While my brother is out there saving the world, one senior and one partner at a time, no one is really looking after him. Sure, our family reaches out through phone calls and email, but do not visit. His partner does not want anyone around while he is feeling so lousy. I saw that for myself. I love him, but out of respect for his wishes to be left alone, I did not stay in their home nor visit there very much.

My brother sustains himself through deep faith. I know people who say that they are faithful — to God or through their religion. The spiritual and religious aspects are difficult for my brother to resolve, as much hateful and hurtful crap comes from some organized religions just because my brother is gay and committed to a man.

Nonetheless, my brother has deep faith upon which he calls a reserve to sustain his work to help his partner at every tick of the clock, every minute of every hour of every day, day after day, night after night. It’s been rough — he has even said that caring for his partner has been harder than caring for our elderly aunt who passed away last year, but for whom he was the primary caregiver for many years during her Alzheimer’s-induced decline.

What does my brother do to care for himself? He realizes that he requires breaks from the intensity of care. When his partner is stable, which is most of the time, my brother will take a long, long walk with one or two senior pals. The exercise, fresh air, and conversation about anything other than his partner’s illness does him good. He still does repair work for a legion of seniors that he has adopted, or have adopted him (I’m not sure which is which, they are so intertwined.) Doing service for others allows my brother to put his skills to work and makes him feel better.

My brother also tries to get out and ride his Harley for pleasure. More than just commuting to work. Get out and ride. He has a great group of friends who are safe riders with whom he rides. From his smiles and discussion, I can tell that riding with this group of people brings much pleasure and diversion to my brother. He regrets that he cannot ride with them as often as he would like and as often as they schedule rides, but he does the best he can under the circumstances.

He says what he enjoys most about this group is that they “gay thing” is never an issue. Riders in this group are all straight, but accept and give friendship with my brother regardless of his sexual orientation. They accept and value his leadership, and give him good-natured ribbing about his lack of a sense of direction. It’s all good — and their relationship is a testament to the well-educated and well-rounded people he “hangs” with. I enjoyed a ride with that group last Saturday, and I can tell that they do wonders for my brother’s soul.

It has been a different visit this year for our birthday. Through tough times and good, he and I are in this together, as brothers, but best of all, as best friends.

Guest Blog

Posted on by

Hi, I’m J, BHD’s twin brother. I hijacked his blog once again, learning a new system with WordPress no less. Happy to be here to celebrate the man I love as no other twin can — my very own “big” brother. Mind you, we have six other “bigger” brothers, but he is four minutes older than me, and will never let me forget it!

I made arrangements for my wife and me to travel to the U.S. and visit our family and my brother (in particular) for “our” birthday. This annual visit is becoming a tradition that I cannot live without. Why?

This guy, you know as BHD, is truly a wonderful spirit. How he finesses caring for his partner, his senior pals, and everyone else in his life while working, maintaining his house and all of his rental properties (for, as he says, community heroes who need a place to live in the county where they work)… I don’t know how he does it.

He has been under a lot of pressure with things going on at home and with his work. What they call a “life balance” has been out of whack for a long, long time. He tells me that he is managing because the people in his life give him so much to look forward to. His caregiver heart shines so brightly.

I have been worrying about him for months. I speak with him on the phone several times each week. I hear the stress in his voice and the bewilderment in his expression about his concern for his partner’s health. He can remain bright and positively spirited most of the time, but I know there’s more going on than he talks about, and I saw that for myself yesterday, on our birthday.

The day began on a bright note, revealing the quality of character of the brother I love. I came over to his house at 8am. Even by then, two of his senior pals had delivered a cake and cards for his birthday. Another one arrived soon after I did, and offered to pick up a prescription for his partner. “No trouble,” he says. “I’m going there anyway, and you have picked up so many prescriptions for me, it’s the least I can do.” Two sisters phoned, ostensibly to say hello to me, but clearly, they were checking up on their little brother.

My brother had to take his partner to a doctor’s appointment — on our birthday no less — but as he said, “we do what we need to do. NBD.” Meaning, “no big deal.”

While they were gone, I visited another sister who lives nearby. When they returned, my brother called me and said, “get your butt over here. A buddy is coming over and we’re going for a ride!” So yessir! I had rented a Harley and came to his house. His buddy and I enjoyed a fun ride to test the route that he is planning to take for a group ride on Saturday. Man, he’s so prepared — the route was loaded into his GPS. But due to his “geographic dysfunctionality,” we took a wrong turn anyway (quickly recoverable, thankfully). Here’s where we went (it’s on the West River in southern Maryland):
We returned by mid-day, and then I learned how the “voice” of his partner’s disease speaks.

[Note from BHD: I have edited this post and removed some content. Let’s just say that my partner’s disease was exhibiting awful symptoms, so plans for the remainder of the day got changed. J went back to our sister’s home and I changed into my caregiver role for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. No more birthday; it was done.]

Ore e sempre, bro. I love you very much. I’ll be right here.