I received an email the other day from someone who has been reading this blog, and has noticed a number of “guest blog” posts from my twin brother.  Throughout those posts, and in some of his comments on some of my regular, ongoing posts, it’s clear that my twin brother and I are very close.

The person who wrote to me asked what it was like to have a twin brother, as he did not have one.  He also asked, “are all twins so close — as close as you and your brother?  And is your twin gay?”

The first part is hard for me to answer.  My brother and I had a normal childhood with typical sibling battles and squabbles.  But throughout it all, we still were best friends.  I don’t know if our relationship as twins is typical, but I’ve heard from other twins who feel as close.

The second part is not hard to answer: my twin is straight, happily married to a woman, and is secure in his own manhood.  He figured out that I was gay before I did, but loved me just the same.  That’s what is so special about our relationship.  He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is, as different as we are.

There are two other sets of twins in my family, and I observe that they are as close with each other as my twin and I are.  It is how we were raised.  But also, we had a “twin compact.”  That is, if you picked on one of us, you picked on us both.  We defended each other fiercely.

I also have to say that since my twin brother and I are fraternal twins, he got the good looks, physical height, athletic ability, and grace — while I got lesser of each of the genes that control those features.  As such, I was mercilessly picked on by bullies in junior high and high school at times.  My twin would always, always, defend me.  Regardless if it made him late for a class or a date.  He was always by my side.  My brother through life.

I know other people have sibling relationships that are not as close.  I am blessed, I guess.  It’s what Mom and Dad made happen by how they raised us.  They expected that their children would be close, and become good friends as adults.  Our parents’ expectations were truly realized.

While I am especially close to my twin — I know (without speaking with him) what he’s thinking and what language he is speaking and how he is feeling — I am also close to my other brothers and sisters.  I love ’em all, and I know they love me.  Gay or straight, sports-ignorant or athletic, klutzy or graceful, leather-clad or in a business suit — they love us for the men we are.

In summary: is my twinship unusual?  I don’t think so.  But I know that I have a very special man as my very own twin brother, and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Life is short:  love your brother.

Guest blog by BHD’s twin brother, J

Well, bro’, our visit sure went quickly. It seems that no sooner than we arrived, we’re back on a plane headed for home in France. But I did get to go riding with you several times, and enjoyed visiting with our family and our aunt who you look after so closely. Too bad the rain interfered with some of our riding, but that’s life. It didn’t interrupt the quality time that you and I spent together.

This year, I observed that you were more laid back, calm, and — how do I say it? — peaceful. When we were around our family, with the kids running around and everyone talking at once (as our family is wont to do) … you may have been sitting quietly on the floor with our two-year-old great nephew building a tower with blocks. Or you may have been sitting with our sister having a quiet conversation. Or, I even caught you poking your nose under the hood of our brother-in-law’s restored ’76 Camaro. (Don’t tell me you aren’t a wrench. I know ’em when I see ’em.)

You extend you care so gently to our aunt, and draw her out of her shell and engage her in a way that she doesn’t do with anyone else. You get her to smile, to laugh, to walk, and to eat. No one else can seem to do that as well or as often, even though she has excellent around-the-clock care.

And once again, your clan of seniors who adore you were omnipresent. Their gift of cake, ice cream, and their little song during their visit last Sunday afternoon was a delightful surprise for our birthday. It is obvious that they adore you, and you care for them very much. You always say, “what goes around comes around” or “it’s a two-way street.” Whatever… the energy you put into caring for them is obviously much appreciated, and you are deeply loved.

You seem to be at peace with everything and everyone. You certainly remain busy with the political campaigns you are working on, your community work, keeping your household running, and lots of other stuff. But you have made your limits clear; keeping your focus on (how you say it) “the priorities.” You have established your priorities and everyone around you knows what they are. That’s simply amazing. But then again, you always amaze me, man.

I laughed when you were preparing dinner on Tuesday and the doorbell rang. At your request, I answered. Your state senator was at the door, and it was obvious he needed something. But before he said anything, the first thing he did was greet me by name, then excuse himself. I’ve never seen a politician 1) remember the name of a visitor he’s never met; and 2) figure out quickly that with my visit, it wasn’t the time for a lengthy discussion. Man, you’ve educated him well. (Mom would be proud, as the Congressman she worked for wouldn’t have done that!) You just handed him an envelope and said, “talk to you later” and that was that. Simple. I like that.

I won’t forget the looks on our family’s faces on Wednesday evening when we went to our nephew’s event to recognize his recently-awarded M.D. You got me to wear my leather pants and you wore yours. I think we were the coolest dudes in the place. I have to admit, I was a little self-conscious, but The Wife encouraged me to wear those leather pants to this big function. They looked great with the jacket & tie I was wearing (though I couldn’t get you into a tie for the life of me.)

You seem to have natural grace. Not necessarily in how you walk or move, but how you function. I’d say that you take each minute of every day and flow from one thing to the next. You don’t get rattled. You accept change — no, I would say that you “embrace” change — quickly, and with an even temperament that sets a great example for the rest of us. We should learn your secret, though you swear it is no secret; you just naturally and gracefully move on from task to task, person to person, thing to thing, or whatever. Again, amazing.

I am also glad that The Wife and your partner spent quality time together. They seem to hit it off well. Your partner is so well-read, and so interesting to talk to. You have a tremendous man in your chosen mate and I am delighted to be part of your lives.

Brother, just being with you restores my soul. I cherish you, and am blessed to have you as my own. My twin. My soulmate from our early life, and my best friend. How fortunate I am.

In closing, I will borrow one of your lines: life is short… show those you love that you love them. Love you, bro’! Sempre!

Last night, twin brother and his wife arrived. Or shall I say, this morning, just a little while ago… 2:30am to be exact. This post is actually going up “live” as I write it, then to bed…to bed… I’m exhausted.

J’s plane was scheduled to arrive early yesterday evening (at an airport on the other side of the Potomac River from where I live), but it was delayed leaving France. I was told it would arrive at 9pm, but we waited, and waited… with little information. Finally, we were told that the original plane had to return to France due to a mechanical problem that happened soon after it took off. They had to offload all of the passengers and luggage, find another plane, and put everyone and everything back on the new flight.

But wait… there’s more. My brother told me that they made all of the passengers go back through security, even though they never left the secure side of the airport. Oh brother… no wonder flying internationally is such a challenge these days.

I brought a book to read, which I had finished fairly early. I went to look for a bookstore, but by the time I thought to get another trashy novel, the stores had closed. I tried to sleep a little bit, but there was a Mom with a bratty little kid waiting for this same flight to arrive. The kid was cranky and tired, and instead of sleeping as his mother was encouraging him to do, he seemed to scream louder.

I had to wait outside the customs area, and there weren’t many places to sit down available. When I did find a place to sit, that’s where the kid was. There wasn’t any other place to go, as the restaurants and shops were closed.

I’m a zombie. I am only on the computer to find out the hours of the place that has the Harley that my brother will rent. I don’t think we’re going there the moment it opens, but it’s not open tomorrow so we’ll pick it up today, sometime.

Wish us a good visit, despite how badly it started.

Life is short: patience is a virtue. Sleep is better.

Hey, big brother… in just a few days, a big jet will be headed your way with The Wife and me on it. Headed back to see you for our birthday. I’ve made arrangements to rent a Harley. Lets Go Play! One week ’til our birthday! (But who’s counting?)

M and The Wife will do the girly stuff (shopping, yakking) while you and I will go explore. Revisit our youth, see our family, strengthen our souls — as only you can do for me.

It has been a year since we’ve done this, yet it feels like longer. I rejoice in knowing that you and I will be spending significant time together, hangin’ out, havin’ fun.

Love you, bro’ … always have, always will. Can’t wait!

See you soon,

J

I see posts from time to time on the Internet in various places where people express their thoughts about their relationship with their family. Unfortunately, many of those posts have one theme in common: complaints.

Am I blessed to have the family that I have? A large, raucous bunch that above all else, holds close? You betcha!

There is an 18 year age difference between the oldest and the youngest among my siblings, and I’m second-to-last on the chain of offspring. Unfortunately, both of my parents have long since passed away, so we have no matriarch or patriarch holding us together. We are all involved with our respective lives, children, grandchildren, employers, civic work, and so forth. We are ALL different, each one of us, despite the fact that there are several multiples (twins and triplets) among my sibs — my own twin, J, included.

Do I consider my family special? You bet I do. Are they different from anyone else? Probably not, in the grander scheme of things. Do we bicker like the adult children in certain television dramas? Well, some of us think differently and have differing opinions, but we’re not so dramatic about it. If we disagree, we say our piece then move on. Love and blood really do triumph over positions on certain topics.

I was touched and honored when two siblings commented on a blog post that I wrote yesterday. They didn’t comment as much about the content of the post itself as they commented about me. Totally unrequested, unprovoked, unnecessary. But their commentary demonstrated once again several things: 1) my siblings love me unconditionally; 2) my sibs accept me for the man I am; 3) my sibs don’t judge; and 4) they read this blog! (oooooooh!)

I am honored, truly honored, to have the family that I have. We are different men and women. But as I said, we respect each other and love one another without question. My life would be much less — less interesting, less valuable, less accomplished — if it weren’t for my siblings’ unflinching support and the lessons that we learned and have applied from our parents.

So yeah, I am truly blessed with a wonderful, close, caring, thoughtful, warm, and loving family. I wish everyone could have siblings as I have. I wouldn’t read any more complaints on the internet about dysfunctional families. I would read more stories like this, about how great a family can be as children mature and develop adult relationships, as we have.

A point of clarification: I don’t call any of my siblings a “friend.” The old adage says, “you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.” That’s true — and in my case, even if I could pick a family, I couldn’t have selected better.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them. Unquestioningly. Nonjudgmentally. Enduringly. When it all comes down to it — family is your blood. I respect that, and extend my love each and every day in many ways.

Guest blog post by BHD’s twin brother, J

I asked to write today’s post on this blog since I wanted to wish my brother and his partner a very happy anniversary, and be the first one to do it. Their actual anniversary is tomorrow. I’m sure my brother will post something about it.

My brother and his partner will be celebrating 17 years of being together. I most sincerely regret that they can’t think back to a wedding like my wife and I do, and sit and review photos in an album like we do. As gay men, getting married is not permitted where they live — yet — so they do what most gay men do, and celebrate their anniversary as the day they met, rather than the day they had a formal civil ceremony where the state recognizes their relationship.

It’s sad for me that my brother and his partner don’t have the same rights and recognition that my wife and I have — just because he loves and is committed to a man and I love and am committed to a woman. It’s just blatantly unfair. I know my brother is among those who are “working on it.” But he also works hard on a number of issues that pertain to the health, well-being, and safety of the community. Especially of his beloved seniors for whom he cares.

All of us in the family embrace our brother and his partner as our own. We love them. We hold them closely in our hearts. We cherish their relationship and commitment, and stand by to assist in any way we can. That is what family is for, and what our parents taught us and would expect. But it’s more than that: we do it because we want to.

Happy anniversary, brother & [*] (Gosh, I wish you let me use your names on your own damn blog, bro’!)

May you share joy, peace, and contentment for many more years to come.

Warm hugs always,

Your whole fam-damily!