Tests of Patience

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I have returned from a weekend with the mother-in-law who lives near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA. It is regretful to say, but each time I go see her, my patience is severely tested. In her worldview, everyone is out to get her and everything else that everyone else does is wrong.

I continue working on practicing what I preach. I smiled — so much so that my partner said, “be careful, your face is going to freeze that way!” (That’s a little joke between us.)

I prepared all the meals, which she ate with loud gusto. Umm, umm, lip-smackin’ good. (Noisy eating is common, unfortunately.)

I had to work on a big project for my employer, so I had to plug away at my laptop when I wasn’t doing something else. My patience was frustrated once again because I found that my collaborators — all over the United States — had documents and files they needed to share with me, but because my mother-in-law doesn’t have internet access and I’m too cheap to buy an air card, I just had to suffer without.

Unfortunately, riding in a car all that distance tested my patience in just being “cooped up in a cage” which is really my problem, no one else’s. My partner, on the other had, gets very stiff due to his disability. That makes him irritable and grouchy. He can’t gripe at his mother, so I’m the lucky one to hear some things that perhaps he wouldn’t say if he weren’t so sore.

Columbus Day weekend is always one that tries my patience. But I continue to remember what I blog about, and find an inner resolve somewhere deep inside me to accept what I cannot change and just go with the flow.

And you know what? Overall, I’m okay. I could have had a more productive weekend and less taxing on my nerves had I remained home. But then again, going with him to visit his mother is something my partner asks me to do only twice each year. He does so much for me otherwise. It’s only fair that I accommodate his interests and needs from time to time.

I have to say that I really appreciated the change in TV commercials. While I am not fond of television and don’t watch it at home (no time, no interest), my partner and his Mom had it on. I couldn’t help but notice the “regular” commercials, instead of the commercials run only on the DC television stations that try to influence votes in Congress on various issues. Or right now, additional commercials about the election for Governor of Virginia, which air in our market. All those commercials are awful and so darned one-sided; it was refreshing to hear something else for a change, and not all that political junk.

Life is short: grin and bear it!

Some Things I Have Learned

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I found this on the Internet somewhere, but these sayings are so very applicable to me and many others I know:

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:

  • A rainy day, elderly people, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
    • Rainy day: “oh boy! great time to catch up on reading!” or “let’s cook!”
    • elderly people: show those you love that you love them
    • lost luggage: I hope I get frequent flyer miles for its travel!
    • tangled Christmas tree lights: that’s why we now have a pre-lit tree (smile)
  • I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’
    • My one year of ‘unemployment’ while spending time with my uncle during his last year of life was the best ‘living’ I have ever done.
  • I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
    • …and third, and fourth… for all my foul-ups, those who care about me continue to extend more opportunities to learn from failure and to succeed eventually.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.
    • I never learned how to use a catcher’s mitt anyway (smile)
  • I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
    • oh so true; happiness has found me, and I am blessed.
  • I’ve learned that a smile is a choice.
    • I decide to smile often. A smile may be the only sunlight a stranger sees all day!
  • I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
    • This is where my heart leading the mind works wonders.
  • I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
    • It is easy to let aches and pains cloud what otherwise is a sunny personality. I take Excedrin and always remember to smile.
  • I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
    • I send birthday cards to over 100 people throughout the year.
    • I check in on friends and family often by phone and email.
  • People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
  • I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
    • Oh, how true!

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Where I Am Not Today

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Today is the day for the National Equality March in Washington, DC, USA. It is supposed to attract hundreds of thousands of supporters for the LGBT movement, and particularly those interested in marriage equality — a civil marriage is a civil right.

I have somewhat of a nostalgic point of view regarding events like this. It was during the March On Washington held on April 25, 1993, where I met the man who fundamentally changed and improved my life: my wonderful partner. If it were not for that event, I am uncertain if I would have met him, nor how the rest of my life would have turned out.

I hope attendees find the event interesting and have opportunities to voice their opinions and share in an experience that can only occur in Washington, DC, during a mass gathering such as this one is supposed to be. Personally, I hope some people meet each other, figure out that they are interesting to each other, and begin a relationship that may produce a partnership for them that has been as wonderful as the one I share with the love-of-my-life.

Alas, attending such events for my partner and me is a thing of the past. I have personal reservations about the effectiveness of such efforts. There is a lot of controversy about today’s event, with various differences of opinion about how it was organized and managed.

But, to us, the controversial claims and counterclaims are not an issue. My partner and I will not be attending this event. Not because we don’t support the various issues that will be addressed (particularly marriage equality), but because we are at my mother-in-law’s home taking care of things for her. I will be doing some home maintenance and yard work, while my partner will be taking her shopping and do what a son should be doing for his elderly, lonely mother: just paying attention to her.

Why did we choose this weekend to go to Pittsburgh? Because we both have a three-day weekend (Monday is a federal holiday in the U.S. for Columbus Day), so we have more time for a trip like this. We have been going to Pittsburgh on Columbus Day weekend for many years.

Why not just reschedule our trip to Pittsburgh and go to the Equality March? Well, “been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the sunburn.” We would rather not deal with the hassle of the crowds. Standing for long lengths of time is very difficult for my partner due to his disability. Also, he just hates crowds (and I’m not fond of crowds, either).

Anyway, we wish the attendees well, hope for the best, and again, I personally hope some guys will meet their lifemate guy, and some women will meet their lifemate woman. That chance occurrence of meeting my partner at such an event fundamentally changed my life so much for the better. I cherish those memories, and sincerely hope identical memories are formed in the younger generation.

Life is short: march on!

Boots and Masculinity

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Does wearing boots make a man masculine?

A question like this was posed on the “boots on line” board a while back. Someone I know who goes by the screen name “KneeHighGuy” (KHG) wrote a great response to that, and I invited him to post that response here as a guest blog. I hope he will do that, eventually.

So… back to the question, “does wearing boots make a man masculine?”

My opinion: No. Simply wearing boots does not make a man masculine.

I have said it before and I say it again, masculinity is a set of characteristics that is demonstrated by self-confidence and a secure nature. Physical characteristics play a part, as well — how a man appears to others, including the style of dress — influences perceptions of masculinity both for the guy and others observing him.

Boots are a part of a man’s choice of style of dress. Looking back over the ages, men wore boots. From soldiers to cowboys to construction workers — all considered to be “masculine” professions — men in these occupations wear boots. Boots convey a strong sense of masculinity. KHG said, “When I think of masculinity, words such as honor, courage, strength, and gallantry come to mind. A man with these qualities is the kind of man I admire and aspire to be, and wearing boots helps give me confidence that I can be that kind of man.” I couldn’t agree more.

Simply wearing a pair of boots does not “make” someone masculine. Boots, however, are something worn with clothing that has a masculine appearance: jeans, leather, uniforms, or even business suits (a uniform of sorts). How a man behaves and projects himself has more to do with his perception of being a masculine man than what he wears.

These are my thoughts. What are yours?

Life is short: wear your boots!

I Am Who I Am

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I received an email the other day, generated from this blog, which said, in part, “it is gratifying to know that there are decent, well adjusted, friendly gay men like you. Honestly, I have been struggling with ‘coming out’ for years. … Just wanted you to know that I have enjoyed your insights and interesting discussions in your blog. It has been quite therapeutic.”

Wow… who woulda thunk? I mean, I am just a regular guy with some specific interests and passions that a blog is well-suited to use as a medium to talk about those interests. Also, I just like to write 🙂

I am uncertain how my musings can serve to be therapeutic, but if it helps, I am happy to do so.

It really all boils down to one thing that makes me the man I am: my parents and family raised me well. They helped me to develop self-confidence and a self-assured nature. I was always a klutz, athletically disinclined, and more interested in reading books than throwing a ball. I saw my older brothers and other men in my life and wanted to be like them, but knew that I was different. I tried to do things that they did, like play sports or date women, but it never worked. And you know what? My family didn’t make fun of me or mock my failures. Instead, they accepted me for who I am and asked me, “what do you like? How can I help you fulfill your interests?”

Perhaps they didn’t ask questions exactly like that (I can’t remember), but I never once felt ridiculed for being “different.” I always felt loved and accepted for who I am. They let me try various things, and when it didn’t work out or I goofed up, they just smiled and said, “okay, let’s try something else.” Honestly, never once did I feel humiliated or belittled by my family.

Sure, there were bullies in school and short-sighted nobodies in my adult life who were insecure about themselves, and felt better if they could belittle me to make themselves feel bigger and better. Sometimes their actions hurt me, both physically and emotionally. But my family — and as an adult, my partner — always and without fail point out why they love me for who I am and that my inner strengths make me a better person overall, encouraging me to rise above the hurt and anger and respond with sympathy, kindness, and compassion.

Actually, it is intriguing to me as I look back that my family never said bad things about other people, but only highlighted the good things in me and others around us. Their optimism, sense of hope, and strong belief in me inspired and empowered achievements beyond my wildest dreams. I became who I am and achieved what I have done because of how they transferred their strength to me through positive support.

I realize how fortunate I am. Not everyone has a family like mine. Not every gay person lives in a community where diversity is a way of life, not something to be “celebrated” on a particular day of recognition. Not every gay guy has a partner who is his equal in intelligence, financial security, and savvy. Not every gay guy has friends he’s known for life (and some less long) who form the fabric of a rich net supporting him and his goals, failures, and fun regardless of his sexual orientation. Not every gay guy is appreciated by a cadre of seniors and neighbors for being “that guy who knows his stuff,” rather than “that gay guy …”. Not every gay guy works for an employer that evaluates him based on skills and abilities, and doesn’t make judgments based on sexual orientation. Not every gay guy is in a situation as I am to be able to “let go” and be who I am, out and open, free and honest, secure and confident.

In summary, I guess what allows me to be a decent, well-adjusted, and friendly guy is that I can freely be who I am. I can make mistakes, and be forgiven. I have learned to “let go” any concerns about what other people may say about me (boots, leather, being gay, or my appearance). I have learned that being honest (and not living in the closet) is absolutely refreshing and invigorating. I can learn, and adjust from my learning. I can do what I do best, and choose not to do what I don’t do well. And that’s okay. I am who I am.

Life is short: Love me for who I am, ’cause I am not someone else.

Martian Dinosaur

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Ask twenty-somethings with whom I work, and each will tell you in her or his own way that I am a dinosaur from outer space. Here’s why:

  • I don’t text.
    I did not grow up with that communication method, nor find it easy to do. I have no need to be barraged with some text where the sender has an expectation of almost instantaneous response. I will reply to email or a phone message on my schedule, not someone else’s.
  • I ask them to call me on my landline at home if they need to use the telephone to reach me after work hours.
    What’s a landline? Who still has landlines? Why don’t you just use your cell phone?

    Well, I don’t have to give my personal reasons, but I prefer to use a regular old telephone, thanks. I often turn my cell phone off after work hours and do not use it on weekends, either. Call me, leave a message if I am unavailable, and I’ll get back to you.

  • I don’t tweet on Twitter, use Facebook, or use I.M. programs.
    “Oh, you’re so disconnected,” they say. Okay, so be it. It is much more peaceful and less intrusive that way. I don’t use computer resources at work for personal stuff when I should be working, and I expect them to do the same. My partner has an understandable expectation that I pay attention to him when we are at home, not the computer (so I have significantly reduced computer time at home.)
  • I don’t spend what I don’t have.
    My goodness, I observe many younger folks spend money like there’s no tomorrow, racking up credit card debt that they’ll never be able to pay off. My first suggestion for getting back on financial track is make a budget (what’s that?). Dump the cell phone and texting plan. There are so many people who have significant debt yet think nothing of paying US$50 to US$100 or more each month for cell charges. Buy groceries, learn how to cook, and eat at home. Pay off your debt before incurring more on an ongoing basis!

Yes, I definitely have that “generation gap thing” going on. I continue to work on and adopt technologies and ways of doing things that are helpful, but non-intrusive. I guess that’s where the major differences are: I am annoyed by multi-stream intrusions, and my younger staff live a multi-tasking life 24/7.

Life is short: disconnect for a while and enjoy peace!

Bike Cop Surprise

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After work yesterday, I got on my Harley at the Metro station and began my ride home, as usual. I stopped at the light near the station, signaling a left turn. When it turned green, I carefully executed the turn. Knowing that the next light would be red due to the timing of the traffic signals, I proceeded slowly and stopped at that light. When it turned green, I slowly accelerated and maintained a steady pace until I reached my cross-street, where signaled and turned left. I stopped again at the next light. Then when it changed to green, I slowly accelerated until I reached my street, signaled, and turned right.

It was then that I noticed a bike cop riding behind me. I thought to myself, “what did I do?” which is a natural reaction, even though I know that I was riding well within the speed limit and didn’t run a red light.

I stopped, and the cop pulled up next to me. He smiled and said, “I followed you from the Metro as I was headed out this way anyway. I thought I would tell you that I thought you were the most graceful motorcycle rider I have seen in a long time.”

WOW!

Who, me? “graceful?” The guy who would trip over his own shadow if it were possible? Who trips himself walking on a flat sidewalk with no obstacles? Who calls himself a quarantasinestrapede when it comes to dancing? Who, as a kid, was always picked on for being such a klutz and uncoordinated?

The cop said that he sees a lot of bikers, and few ride the way I did. He then ticked off each maneuver I made: gentle stops, smooth acceleration, steady pace, sweeping turns well within the intended lane of travel, and using my turn signals where appropriate.

The cop and I had a nice discussion about motorcycle riding. I explained that I had been riding for more than 30 years, have participated in many training courses over the years, and continue to practice my skills from time to time. I like to ride with safe riders in my club, and continue to learn a lot from them as we ride together safely.

This “bike cop surprise” was delightful, and made me feel better after a rather difficult day at work. When my partner arrived at home, I told him what happened. He smiled, hugged me, confirmed his belief that I am a good rider, then asked (because he knows me so well), “what kind of boots was the cop wearing?”

Life is short: ride gracefully!

N.B.: the photos accompanying this post were captured from a video that I put on my YouTube Channel a while back. I was dressed more warmly yesterday (tall boots, chaps, motorcycle jacket, gloves) than I was dressed in that video, which was produced in the heat of summer.

Cookin’ In Leather

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Here I am on Sunday afternoon running pasta through the pasta press from which we made several batches of home-made cheese ravioli. Simmering on the stove behind me is a huge pot of home-made pasta sauce. A homemade “scrumptious” apple pie is cooling on a rack on the counter.

The bread oven is baking four loaves of bread, three of which are intended for a few of my “elder buds” who like my home-made bread. Heck, if I am making one loaf, making a few more is very easy and quick to do.

My partner’s “honey-do list” for chores around the house had abated, so I had time to bake and cook, which I love to do. My partner enjoys helping. It was a beautiful day outside; however, I was tired from being out late on Saturday night, and also I was experiencing some side-effects from the regular seasonal flu shot that I got on Saturday. Further, I had developed a rather bad case of “the trots” caused by the ice used for a soft drink served at the bar on Saturday night. Unfortunately, DC water does that to me.

So I chose to stay home and cook on Sunday, rather than get out and ride. I do not like to ride my Harley when I am not feeling well and not at peak performance. I felt divided, as I know the riding season is growing short, and there will not be many days like this when I could enjoy a ride without other obligations hanging over my head. But I just wasn’t feeling strong enough.

Life is short: enjoy your home!

Fetish Gear Mixer

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UPDATED AUGUST 2010: Unfortunately, this “CODEDC” thing has degraded into an event focused on sex. My partner and I are monogamous and don’t play with others. We will not attend any more “CODEDC” events.

This is my partner and me after we returned from our Saturday night out.

The “CODE DC” party bills itself as “not your Daddy’s leather scene” though it goes on to say that if you’re into leather, by all means wear it, but they’re also open and very welcoming to any type of gear fetish, from athletic gear to uniforms to rubber & latex to skin, and all else. Specifically, they say, “we want to make CODE a place where our younger people who may not even identify as Leather will still want to come.”

Congratulations; the organizers of this event did well. My partner and I were impressed with the huge mix of guys turned out in all sorts of gear. The “guy mix” included many bear-types, as well. All of it was there — lots of younger guys who were mostly in athletic jock gear were joined by others who were in uniforms (such as me), lots of rubber and latex, and some others in full leather. Guys with bodies to show were shirtless, and provided a nice view.

What impressed us most was how outgoing and friendly attendees were. They mixed and mingled and really talked with one another. We didn’t notice as much heavy “cruising” going on as much as there was true conversation and guys meeting one another. The music at first was at a low volume, which aided in having conversations because you could actually hear what the other guy said. It got a little louder as the night went on, but it wasn’t so booming that you couldn’t hear someone else. While personally my partner and I don’t like techno “boonga-boonga-boonga” throbbing noise, we understand that such music is what they play at these events. So be it.

While they said that there would be a visit by a drag queen, I guess we left before she arrived.

The venue is great. It is long but narrow. The bar is against a wall, so there is not the “racetrack” feeling when a bar is in the middle of a room. We even could find a place to park not that far away.

Seating was available, from couches set up in areas to facilitate conversation, to a long bench across one side of the bar. That is where my partner and I planted ourselves. We enjoyed watching everyone arriving, mingling, and having a good time. I saw a few people I knew and enjoyed a conversation with them. We left rather early, but that’s characteristic of us — we just can’t handle “late” (defined as remaining awake after midnight.)

Congratulations to the organizers. If you are in the DC area on the first Saturday of the month, you should check out CODE DC. It is fun, mixed, interesting, and welcoming to people of all ages (especially the younger guys) and fetish interests.

We will not be attending these events regularly, just because we are not the type of guys to go out much any more. But we will go back sometime, when we can.

Last Night In Leather

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I have said on this blog that we don’t go out much. Last night was a rare exception.

I leathered up from Muir Cap to All American Patrol Boots in my LAPD full Leather Uniform, leathered and booted my man, and we went out. We tried a new-to-us gathering called “CODE DC”.

I took and posted this photo before we left home on Saturday night. The leather and boots felt very, very good. My studly partner is gorgeous, but shy of the camera so I don’t have a photo of him, but let me say, “woofity-woof!”

Off we go! (Here is a link to our impressions of the event).

Life is short: enjoy your leathers!