Monthly Archives: August 2009

Debunking My Own Myth

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My brother outdid himself with his blog post here yesterday. Believe me, I am no saint. I have made many mistakes, and have much yet to learn.

If I were all what my brother makes me out to be, I would exhibit far more patience than I do, and I would be more open and accepting of things that other people do that drive me nuts. Those behaviours like yakking on a cell phone while driving or riding a motorcycle in sneakers should not make me so crazy, but they do. Thus, I am no saint.

But let me tell you, I think the world of my brother. He has worked so very hard to get where he is in life. Everything was harder for him, and he had to study very hard in school his whole life. He worked hard, far harder than I ever did in school, and it paid off. J struggled and studied and got tutoring and help from my family, me, and others. His good grades in school were an indication of what he can do when he sets his mind to it. Me? I was a sloucher and got straight A’s. Go figure. But J never resented that; he just told me, “atta boy!”

Don’t throw a ball my way or ask me any questions about sports. In our birthing process, J got every nucleic acid of DNA related to sports and I got none of it. J is naturally athletic. Graceful and talented, he went to college on a sports scholarship. He earned several honors while playing football in high school and college. Me? Someone always had to tell me what side of the field to look toward and say, “yay!” While I was always J’s number one cheerleader, I never liked sports and my disinterest in sports remains the same to this day.

My brother commented about how I handled a community meeting the other night. It wasn’t as raucous as he made it sound. Perhaps, though, I employed listening and response skills that I learned from my Mentor and friend, who served as an elected official for 17 years in the district of the county where I live, until her untimely death. Gosh, I still miss her lots. But by acting on what she taught me, perhaps that is how I carry on her vision and her teachings.

Ordinarily, riding my Harley 300 miles (500km) in one day as my brother and I did on Tuesday is not something I prefer to do. If it were anyone else other than my brother asking me to ride that far in one day, I would have politely declined. But it was J who asked. He never asks me for anything. How could I refuse? My brother has always been a man who carries out his plans and realizes dreams.

One thing about riding motorcycles with a twin is that we can intuitively tell when we need to stop and take a break. It may be after a half-hour or an hour, but frequent stops help stretch the ol’ muscles and relieve our saddle soreness.

We had a number of times when that “twin thing” happened. For example, when we were riding and looking for a place to stop, we both would head to the same gas station. We complete each other’s sentences. We think alike in many ways, yet we are different men.

My brother is more comfortable in khakis and sneakers when dressed casually. He looks great in a suit, which he wears to work every day. I’m more of the Wranglers and boots kinda guy, and I do not like how I look in a suit because it makes me so uncomfortable.

He does not credit himself adequately for his diplomatic skills. He employs tact and is gentle when he communicates with others. Perhaps that’s why my partner and my brother had so many long, intense conversations during this visit. My brother is the only one in our family who can engage my partner in conversation.

He is a very good husband to his wife, and a wonderful brother to all of us in the family. He doesn’t forget the dates of all of our birthdays — including the huge bunch of nieces, nephews, and “greats” that are in our large family. Again, where we are similar is that he remembers to send cards, as I do.

I was truly honored to have my brother choose to come spend a week with me for our birthday. He could have gone anywhere; taken his wife to a beautiful resort; or gone on an adventure to sate his wanderlust. But he chose to come stay with me. He chose to rent a Harley, and since he does not ride regularly, it took a lot of work for him to get comfortable riding again. But he did that for me. Further, he does not wear boots, but once more, for me, he wore a different pair of my motorcycle boots every day while visiting me to use while riding. Better yet, he kept them on while we were not riding. I think he looks great in boots; however, they are not his choice of regular footwear.

My brother has always been my soulmate and best friend, and always will be. He accepts me and loves me for who I am. It doesn’t matter to him that I am gay; what matters to him is that I am happy and leading a productive, fulfilling life. Happy I am with my wonderful partner, our home, my current employment, and living in a great community where my roots run deep.

I treasure him more than words can express. My buddy, my best friend, my brother. Smart, reliable, honest, friendly, and fun. What a great guy. I love you too, ‘bro, with all my heart.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Enthusiasm for Life

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Guest Blog by J (BHD’s twin brother)

What’s it like to know and observe someone whose boundless energy to enjoy life surrounds you? Let me tell you: it’s exhausting! But it is very fun!

My brother who goes by BHD or “Booted Harleydude” on this blog (and we call him lots of other names, too), is surrounded by people who think the world of him. I would like to claim that I am his number one cheerleader, but I will relinquish il numero uno to his partner who cares so deeply for him. I am so pleased that he is happy, which makes him joyful, playful, funny, and great to be around. This is why I came back to visit this week.

You see, I have a job which is interesting but very challenging. It sucks the energy out of me. I need these visits with my brother to recharge myself. I love my wife and she’s terrific. She is a wonderful partner in all respects. Her perspective on life, though, is from “old family Europe.” If I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand.

She is always very serious, and it takes a lot to make her laugh. That’s one of the reasons why I love my brother so much, because when he was Best Man at our wedding in Venice, Italy, he was the only one who was able to make my wife laugh — not once, not twice, but many times. She was in such a dither about the wedding, my brother intuitively realized that she needed to laugh which would help her (and me) lighten up. He did it by sharing amusing anecdotes about what he observed other people doing or saying. Because he looks so American, Italians speak freely in front of him because they do not think he can understand them, yet he speaks the language fluently. They said the craziest things, which he made even funnier when he relayed them to us.

I spent yesterday accompanying my brother on rounds he was making within the retirement community where our Mom lived. He baked two cakes very early in the morning before I awoke. One was for a friend who lives there, and just got home from the hospital. Another was for a friend of his who was feeling a bit lonely since her family never visits.

Then I became his helper when he had to fix a broken light switch for one of his “crew” (as he calls his elderly friends.) That repair was more complicated than either of us thought it would be, because the wiring was hard to reach and brittle. But it was not a problem for my brother: he kept at it persistently until it was fixed. No sooner than he finished there, he walked across the street to fix a drawer slider for another elderly friend. The drawer kept falling out every time she opened it. Not any more! (His toolbox is a cross between Mary Poppins’ and MacGyver’s bag — he has everything!)

These are the little things that my brother does for other people that I observe, and he keeps telling me that “it’s nothing.” Well, it IS something, big guy! Few others do things like that.

We had lunch with our Aunt, who at age 94 remains bright, cheerful, albeit quite forgetful. She is generally quiet, and doesn’t say much. That is, until my brother walks in the door. How she lights up! She smiles, laughs, and shares stories about our family that I enjoy hearing again. He encourages her to express herself, which helps her with her memory problems. What a caring soul my brother is.

We returned home and went for our last ride together (for this visit) on our motorcycles to return my rented Harley. We rode through the old neighborhood where we grew up along the way. My goodness, so much has changed. Funny though, several people waved at my brother as we rode by; he has held his connections to our home stomping grounds.

When we got home, his partner was just returning from work. My whirling-dervish brother greeted his partner and helped unpack his car with things he brought home from the market. Then, right before my eyes and in less than a half-hour, my brother prepared a splendid meal. He pulled out chicken breasts which had been magically marinading in the fridge and grilled them. He cut it up and put on salad rich with home-grown vegetables from his garden. What a light, delicious, and filling meal! He says he does this “all the time.” Gee, my wife and I have much to learn. We eat at restaurants more often than we should.

When I thought our day was over, my brother had changed clothes again and said that he had to go to a community meeting that he couldn’t get out of. He explained that factions were warring over a development project. I decided to go with him to watch him in his “community leader” role.

When we arrived, my brother greeted everyone by name. “No big deal,” he says, “these people are my neighbors.” My brother explained the situation clearly and succinctly. It impressed me how he remained calm in spite of some rather emotional outbursts by different parties. I think his response to emotions is to be even more calm. His voice grows quiet; his brow is quizzical but not angry; and he asks, rather than answers. By the end of the meeting, the different sides had resolved to work out their differences. That’s my brother: the mediator, friend, good neighbor, listener, and problem solver.

When we got home about 9, my brother and his partner went to bed. I can’t go to sleep that early. My brother, though, always has been the “early bird.” I stayed up to write this blog post and check my email. I told my wife in an email that I missed her, but am enjoying this trip very much because of what my brother does for my soul.

I am very blessed to have this energetic, bright, and POWERFUL soulmate, best friend, and brother rolled into one intelligent, thoughtful, caring and impressive man. Isn’t it great to call your brother your best friend? He always has been, and always will be.

Hold your friends close, and your family closer. At least, that’s what my brother always says! As I prepare to return back home to Europe, I will be fondly remembering this very special birthday week with a man I love, respect, and admire. I will always hold him very close in my heart. I love you, ‘bro!

500km to Cumberland and Back?

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Yesterday morning my visiting twin brother, J, was up bright and early. Of course, I was up two hours before him, but for J to get up at 6:00am, I thought something was on his mind. It was. He came bounding into the kitchen with a bright idea: “Let’s go visit Shirley!”

Shirley? Man, I haven’t seen her in ages. Shirley was the first person to give J and me a “real” job, working at her store in the neighborhood shopping center. We were both 16 and wanted to do something productive during the summer and earn some spending money beyond what we got for mowing lawns. But nobody wanted to hire “kids,” nor two of us to boot. But we were bound and determined to get a job at the same place and work together. Shirley gave us a chance, and we will never forget it. We must have done something right, because she asked us back to work for her part-time throughout high school and during the summers. We both owe a lot to her for the faith she invested in us when we were teenagers.

We thought Shirley was “old.” I mean, she was 30!!! Ancient by a 16-year-old’s perspective–almost twice our age! But she took a gamble on hiring two neighborhood kids, and we proved to her that she could depend on us. She sold the store about 20 years ago and moved to Cumberland, Maryland, which (to me) is waaaaaaaaaay up there, far away. And J was dead-set on going to see her.

He said that he had called her yesterday, just to say hello. But one thing led to another… and he promised to visit. What better way to rack up miles on his rental Harley and enjoy some nice, warm sunny weather than to ride to see her?

J asked me, “can you get that GPS of yours to plot a non-highway route to get there?” I thought about it, and used mapping software, and soon enough had a route figured out that went via ferry across the Potomac River into Virginia, and up through the beautiful Shenandoah foothills. Here’s the route:
It took five hours, but we stopped a few times to stretch and drink water that we had brought with us. Even as comfortable as my Road King is and his Ultra, we both suffered from “Harley Butt” which is a common occurrence on long rides.

We got there in time for a nice long lunch at a restaurant with a beautiful view of the Cumberland Gap and the Potomac River. We had a lot of fun catching up with our dear friend. She is doing very well, enjoying life, and keeping busy. Unfortunately, the ride back was daunting, and I wanted to get home before our dinnertime and to avoid storms that were predicted for late afternoon.

After an all-too-brief visit, we remounted our iron steeds. Concerned that a five-hour return would be too long, J agreed that we should take the highway back. It’s shorter, quicker, and more direct. Though riding alongside big rigs at 70mph isn’t our cup-o-tea, we shifted into sixth gear, clicked on the cruise control, and put our boots up on the highway pegs. We stopped only once for gas on the way back. I am glad that we didn’t dawdle on the return, because we got back home just as the skies opened up with a deluge of a thunderstorm.

We had a lot of fun: two brothers out on the road on their Harleys, enjoying life, visiting with someone to whom we owe a debt of gratitude for having faith in us, and crafting the taller tail to regale to my partner over dinner last night. The hills were higher, the roads were narrower, and the snow was deeper (oops, not that!)… we just laughed and laughed. My partner just smiled. He told me as he held me in his arms as we were in bed that he was so happy that I am really enjoying my birthday “staycation” with J, and how pleased he was that J was staying with us and sharing such enthusiastic joy. Heck, that’s what life is all about!

Oh, why no pictures of J? He is dead serious about not having his image appear anywhere on the Internet. I understand; he has a sensitive job. But his legs in an old pair of my Banana Frye campus boots appear here. He asked to wear these boots, specifically, because it’s what we wore in high school, and he remembered them. He looked really cool in those Fryes!

Life is short: get out and ride, love your family and your friends with all you’ve got!

I Still Believe

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I wrote a post on this blog on December 24, 2008. Interestingly, it has been viewed more than 40 times in the last week. I do not know why, but for some reason, many visitors from Germany are looking this up.

I read and re-read what I wrote, and you know what? It is all still very true with what is in my heart, and what composes my soul:

  • I believe in service to others.
  • I believe in caring for my neighbor.
  • I believe in doing. Not just sitting and watching, but doing.
  • I believe in being patient until things happen, and nudge ’em along when needed.
  • I believe that a smile is the best gift to give to others.
  • I believe that life is full of surprises and without them, life would be awfully dull.
  • I believe in holding friends close, and family closer.
  • I believe in my partner, wholeheartedly, without reservation or equivocation.
  • I believe that joy comes to those who share joy.
  • I believe in Santa. Well, in his magic, his spirit, and his love.
  • And yeah, I believe in love. Love is the only thing you get back more of the more you give it away.
  • I believe that God loves all of us, including us gay guys as well as the homophobes. God loves all — it is religion that causes separatism and some people to display hatred, which is what God teaches us is a sin.

I believe and I act. How do you display your passions, concerns, and caring?

Life is short: believe in something and show you care.

Leo Ride Leader

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Today, August 16, is my birthday and one that I share with my twin, “J,” who is visiting with me this week. Photo shown here was created by my buddy, David (Bamaboy), who is a real whiz with Photoshop. He has a great sense of humor, and has become a terrific friend. Thanks, man! J and I laughed our heads off!

Yesterday, I took J to pick up a Harley rental, but right after that, he needed to catch up on sleep since he was jet lagged from his long flight from Europe. While he was napping, I did a “pre-ride” with a buddy of a ride I led today. More on that below.

When I got back, my brother “abducted me” for a “let’s get lost” ride. We rode about 100 miles through Southern Maryland and ended up at another brother’s home, located on Maryland’s Chesapeake Bay. My partner was waiting there for us. This all had been arranged in secret, though I figured something was going on.

My brother invited a lot of the family over. We enjoyed a good old fashioned Maryland crab feast, with all the trimmings. We had a great time. I just love my family. Even my partner — the “less social” of our twosome — said that he really enjoyed it.

Today, I led a ride for my club. Each ride gets a title, and this one was simply, “My Birthday Ride.” Our destination was a frozen custard place that was far enough away that we would enjoy a nice ride through Maryland’s countryside to get there, but not take all day. I appreciated that an off-duty bike cop rode in the wing position, as he had a CB radio (I do not). He was able to talk to our sweep rider so we could get the group back together when we got separated in traffic in a couple places along the route.

My fellow club buddies were great to ride with, and all said they enjoyed the ride. Probably so, because of three things: 1) I did not miss a turn; 2) I did not ride through a water hazard nor ford a stream (LOL!); and it was just a great day for riding — sunny and warm, but not unpleasant.

I connected a motorcycle video recorder with the pencil camera pointing backwards from my bike. This shows what it’s like to lead the pack. Leading the pack is something that us leos are known to do.

Life is short: get out and enjoy it!


Rapito

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Guest blog

Io ho rapito mio fratello. Io lo porto via lui per il nostro compleanno. Lui scriverà dirgli quello che noi facevamo quando lui ritorna. O, se lui ritorna.

J (BHD’s twin brother)

BHD sez:

This is the only abduction ‘scene’ I can get into! I’ll see ya’ in a few days when our birthday celebrations are over!

Thousand Things To See Before I Die

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Have you heard that expression, “the thousand things to see before you die?” The challenge is to make a list of 1,000 things you really want to see before you die (and that website list is a great place to start).

I think about that challenge frequently, and I have made such a list (though I can’t say it has 1,000 items on it.) I am pleased that I have seen many of the items on my list, but have many more to do.

What I want to see sometime

  • Machu Picchu, Peru
  • The Galapagos Islands, Ecuador
  • Antarctica
  • The Calgary Stampede (with Clay as a guide)
  • Harley “cruise” through the Maritime Provinces of Canada
  • Dore Alley Fair in San Francisco

Some grand locations I have seen already (outside the U.S.)

  • Great Wall of China
  • Forbidden City
  • Hong Kong and Macau
  • Tokyo to Kobe via the JR Tokaido Shinkansen (bullet train)
  • The Louvre
  • The Vatican and the Pope (John Paul II)
  • The Colosseum and Roman Forum
  • Leaning Tower of Pisa
  • Uffizi Museo e l’Accedemia (where David is) in Fierenze
  • Torri di Bologna
  • St. Anthony’s Basilica in Padova (Padua, where I went to school)
  • Venice and her canals
  • Pompeii and Mt. Etna
  • Portofino e Almafi Coast via Ducati motorcycle
  • The Romantic Road through Bavaria via BMW motorcycle
  • The Parthenon and the Acropolis
  • Delphi and the Greek Islands in the Med
  • The Danube via cruise from Austria to Romania
  • Transylvania, Romania
  • Pyramids of Egypt
  • Jerusalem (and Israel)
  • The Blue Mosque and Hagia Sophia in Turkey
  • The Kremlin and Red Square
  • St. Petersburg and The Hermitage
  • Stonehenge
  • Ireland via Harley
  • Uluru (Ayers Rock) via “The Ghan” (train) in Outback Australia
  • Great Barrier Reef (Eastern Australia)
  • The Great Ocean Road via Harley (southern Australia)
  • North to South Islands of New Zealand via Harley and ferry
  • The Taj Mahal
  • Serengeti migration
  • Victoria Falls
  • The North Pole
  • Each province of Canada
  • Most of Mexico, Central America, and South America
  • All countries of Europe, including Albania

I have been richly blessed to have had a father who wanted his kids to see their own country, and brought us to each state on summer holiday while we were growing up. Subsequently, business travel with a former employer brought me to each state of the fifty United States (many, many times), and each territory and possession: Guam, American Samoa, Federated States of Micronesia, Palau, Marshall Islands, CNMI (Saipan, Tinian, Rota), Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands, and even the Panama Canal Zone when it was held by the U.S.

Frequent flyer miles earned from all this travel brought my partner and me to a number of other places listed above, including many places in Europe, Asia, and the South Pacific. Of course, that was back when my partner could travel.

What were my favorites? I enjoyed them all; each has a great story to tell and richness of history. Where would I return? Probably Italy, as I speak the language, love the people, and know there is much more to see. Also I long to return to Australia, where we own property and have many friends.

There are a thousand more things I want to see, yet haven’t figured out if I will, or if my interests have changed and I am no longer interested, or if I can or am willing to afford the travel, or if my partner will (ever) travel again.

What’s on your list?

When Am I Bootless?

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Someone asked me recently, “are you wearing your boots in that miserable summer heat that the DC area is known for?”

Um… yeah. Seriously, I don’t own any shoes. I have no other footwear. Whenever I walk outside, I always have boots on. I may change them more often if my feet get hot. I am not one of those guys who likes a sweaty feeling.

However, there ARE times when I don’t have boots on. Yep, I admit it, there are times when am barefooted. In the evening when I do not have to go outside any more, I may take my boots off, curl up on the couch next to my honey, and just relax.

There are some guys who have said that they sleep with their boots on sometimes. I never have been interested in trying to do that, much less actually do it. My feet need to breathe when I sleep.

There are times when I have been so exhausted that I have fallen asleep with boots on, only to have an uncomfortably warm feeling in my feet awaken me. Then I’ll kick my boots off and go back to sleep. I just can’t sleep through the night with boots on. And for me, I don’t have that type of interest in boots that I would want to do that, anyway. (There I go again … not fetish, not fashion: boots to me are practical, functional, footwear. That’s all.)

Seldom am I bootless, but there are times when I am. When it is hot as blazes outside, and I am cool and comfy inside, I may not wear a thing at all… except if you label it a “birthday suit” (wink).

Life is short: wear your boots!

Public Speaking

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I really enjoy public speaking. For many years, I was on the “rubber chicken circuit,” traveling to conferences and meetings to present information and teach courses — many of which I wrote. I used to travel to more than 100 conferences and events annually (mostly in the U.S.) The travel was grueling and exhausting. However, I enjoyed seeing the people I was there to meet, and getting a chance to see the sights of whatever town I was in. (N.B., I do not travel nearly as much any more, much to my relief.)

Yesterday, I presented at a conference held in the DC area. It was fun seeing a number of people who I had known and worked with for many years. (I didn’t see my old boss, though several people asked me if I did.)

Over 100 people attended my session. I was quite energized and definitely “up” for the occasion.

In order to speak confidently without a script, I did what I had learned from experience. The night before, I reviewed my presentation, tweaked it a little bit, and then rehearsed it in front of my partner. He is a great “speaker critic” and gave me some pointers about some things I could explain better. He has heard it all before and knows the content almost as well as I do. I love having him as my audience. He “pulls no punches” and tells me both the good and the bad (or shall I say, what could be better.)

I like to circulate in front of the audience and not refer to notes. I keep the pace moving, quickly delivering my messages and giving anecdotes to which the audience can relate. I was definitely on “a high” from doing what, to me, is fun.

How was I dressed? Considering that the audience was dressed casually, I wore a shirt and tie, khakis, and debated about the boots. I first put on my Tony Lama “red brown” cowboy boots. Then I remembered that I was going ride my Harley to the Metro, and wanted to have boots on that would give me good traction just in case it rained. Afternoon storms were predicted. Smooth-soled cowboy boots wouldn’t work.

So I put on my tall Chippewa Hi-Shine Engineer Boots (to which I had big lug soles applied), which to me looked good with the outfit. Nice and shiny. No one said anything about the boots, and I don’t think anyone even noticed. Photo here shows me at my local Metro station on my bike where I park it.

Back to work today to the usual routine. I enjoyed the experience of public speaking, and hope to do it again soon.

Life is short: rise to the occasion and have fun!

Living Well is the Best Revenge

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English clergyman George Herbert is credited for coining this phrase. I decided to use that phrase for this blog post which is about some observations on my past life and former employer, and why that phrase came to mind as I am attending a major national conference this week. In fact, I am scheduled to make a presentation during the conference today.

The attendees of this conference, exhibitors, and fellow speakers are from the “small world” of my profession. When I got out at the closest Metro station to the hotel where the conference is being held, I walked to the curb to wait for a shuttle bus. Standing there was a long-time colleague from a large federal agency with which I worked closely for over 25 years. She gave me a hug, and was truly delighted to see me (and me too, in return).

When I walked into the hotel, the Executive Director of the professional association sponsoring the conference greeted me, gave me a big hug, and bought me a Coke. She is always so nice, and we have truly appreciated a deep friendship in addition to a professional relationship.

Dozens of people greeted me, shook my hand, and each and every one said that they were planning on attending my presentation today. No pressure….

I met with people and attended sessions at the conference, and enjoyed being “back in my element.” As I was leaving for the day, though, I saw the person who was my last boss at my former employer. I did not speak with her, but just seeing her made my stomach turn.

I got to thinking: when I left my former employer, my former boss did as much as she could to make my life miserable. She attempted to turn former colleagues who I once thought were friends against me. She did not lie (as far as I can tell), but did not refute rumors and innuendo about why I left. She engaged in a paranoid campaign to destroy any evidence of my twenty years of professional contributions.

I think she would have been happy if my life had fallen apart after leaving that job. Heck, she tried to make that happen.

If I were a vengeful person, I could have done a number of things in return for such treatment. Instead, however, I steeled my resolve. I concentrated on caring for my uncle through the winter of his life. I leaned on and received support from my partner and my family.

Being the saver that I am, I had enough financial resources that even without doing consulting during that period, I could have survived just fine. Then I got a job, got promoted, and am continuing to do quite well now. Sure, I had a pile of doggy-doo hurled at me, but I fended it off and rose above the fray.

While at the conference, I heard some awful stories about my former employer and some relationships that some of its representatives significantly damaged within the last month. I am very saddened to hear that. Unfortunately, incompetence reigns. That was the main reason why I left: the Peter Principle (people rise to their level of incompetence) definitely applied.

It was way past time to move on when I did, and I sure am glad I did so. I am living well because I have a wonderfully supportive partner, a loving and caring family, truly terrific friends, and I just love life! I have a great home, an embracing community, and feel that my contributions in the variety of things that I do are appreciated. It’s true: living well is the best revenge. When I see my former boss at the conference today, I will flash her the biggest smile of all. It will be sorta my way of saying, “nah-nee-nah-nee-hoo-hoo.”

Life is short: live it well.

Posted in Job