Yearly Archives: 2009

Following the Pack

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I served as sweep, “tailgunner,” or “tail,” whichever you want to call it, for a group ride on Friday. We rode through the beautiful highways and byways of my home state of Maryland to the Antietam National Battlefield, the site of the bloodiest battle of the U.S. Civil War.

It’s fun riding in this position. You can watch all the other bikers ahead of you, and have no worries about losing the group (if I were leading it), since all I do is follow along.

The position is important, in case someone has a problem with his bike or is involved in a crash, the sweep rider implements emergency response procedures and renders first aid if necessary.

I enjoy riding in groups, listening to the rumble of fellow Harley motors, and seeing the sights along the way. It was a nice ride on a nice day!

I call the image below “Independence Day in Small Town America” — one of the small towns we rode through still had flags flying on every home facing the main street, and some had red, white, and blue bunting on display. There’s always a church or two with a tall, white steeple on main street. It’s nice to ride through these small towns to remind me that my home state has much of what composes America The Beautiful.

Life is short: ride your ride!

What’s Not Funny — at all!

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On Friday night, my partner and I attended a dinner that was part of our state’s HOG (Harley Owner’s Group) Rally, which is being held not far from where we live. As part of the dinner, a local comedy troupe performed. The six members of the group who were there are undergraduate students at my alma mater, the University of Maryland.

Most of the comedy routines were rather lame, but the performers were trying. I’m not quite sure they knew what would be funny to a bunch of middle-aged bikers. However, about 15 minutes into their series of routines, a black male who was part of the group was introduced to give a stand-up routine. What spilled out of his mouth was astonishing. He made many disparaging remarks about gay people — over and over again. Not just one “joke,” but a continuing series of bigoted, intolerant, and completely ignorant statements.

“I don’t mind gay men as long as they are masculine and watch football. What I hate are the prissy guys, as all of them are.”

This is what was ringing in my partner and my ears when we got up and walked out.

I am a white gay male. I would have been lynched if I got up and gave a stand-up routine with jokes about black people.

This kid should be ashamed. He should not get away with this ignorant behavior.

I have to give most of the adults in the audience credit — they weren’t laughing.

Believe me, I am following up. However, the follow-up may not be what you might expect. I am reaching out to ask to sit down with this kid, and educate him about who a gay man is. I will let him know how hurtful, insensitive, and totally absurd his statements were — along with a healthy dose of incredulity that his behavior put the words “black bigot” together in my mind for the first time. I hope I can help him understand that what he was saying was totally wrong and should never, ever, be repeated again.

What would you do? If you had a chance to sit down with this kid, what would you say? Comments are welcome! Either click on the comment section of this blog, or if you just want to tell me what’s on your mind, write to me privately.

Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?

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Frequent visitors to my blog come here because they enter a question like “Where can I find masculine gay men” into a search engine like Google which directs them here. Perhaps it’s because I have written blog posts before about masculine gay men. Being one, I know something about which I speak.

In looking for a masculine gay man, one first has to overcome believing certain stereotypes about gay men. (See this blog post from September 3, 2010).

Masculine men project confidence. They walk, talk, and behave in a positive, secure manner. Straight men who ridicule gay men are demonstrating insecurity and fear, as well as a reflection of social stereotyping that they have been misled to believe.

But back to the topic — where are masculine gay men found? Well, it is somewhat easier to describe where they are usually not found:

  • gay bars, in general
  • dance clubs
  • at the mall (shopping)
  • on-line

If I were looking for a masculine gay man, where would I look?

  • On a hiking trail
  • On a recreational sports team or league
  • At a real rodeo (not a gay rodeo)
  • At a guy on a motorcycle, perhaps riding with a group
  • in a local pub or bar, frequented by the general public, not a segment of society

I have joined, unjoined, reviewed, and looked at dozens of social networking websites, including the most popular general sites like Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, and others, as well as those that are gay-oriented, like Recon’s family of websites (WorldLeathermen, Bootedmen, etc.), Gearfetish, BLUF, Hotboots, and others. There are masculine men who participate on these sites, but there are also a lot of wannabe leatherdudes, drama queens, and lonely people. And a lot of participants on the gay social networking sites are bottoms. Masculine men tend to be Tops. It’s hard to tell who’s who by a web posting anyway. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who post misleading content and use photos that do not represent who they are today.

If you are looking for a confident, sane, safe, normal masculine man, my advice is not to rely exclusively on the Internet. As I said, there are some masculine gay men who participate on various websites, but not that many. And it takes a long time to discover them, make a connection, build a friendship, and perhaps meet. Geez, I participated on hotboots.com for a long time before the masculine men whom I have befriended closely and I connected.

Instead of relying on on-line sources alone, I suggest: get out! Join a club! Get involved in your community! Join a team (even just to help out if you can’t or don’t want to play)! Socialize with straight people!

I observe that masculine gay men tend to hang out with straight people (and gay people as well) — masculine gay men are secure enough in themselves that they do not feel that they have to socialize only with gay people.

Perhaps a group in the unlikliest of places may have a masculine gay man in its midst. For example, my best friend AZ is very active with his Catholic church and its activities. Several men in some “straight” motorcycle clubs that I know are gay. They don’t wear a sign. In fact, they may still be quite in the closet. Eventually, though, as you get to know people, you’ll find out.

Don’t sign up for the next gathering of the leather-clad clan just because a lot of dudes in leather will be there. Wearing leather and boots doesn’t make a man masculine. His self-assured attitude, secure nature, and confidence does. Heck, I’ve seen more than my share of once-a-year leather queens at these events. The attendees aren’t quite what the advertising projects.

In summary: break that bubble. If you are a gay man who is interested in finding another gay man who is confident, secure, safe, sane, and masculine, then my advice is to open your circle and socialize with all sorts of people in activities that you would enjoy doing. Be yourself. Smile. Relax. Enjoy. It will happen — you will meet that guy. You just gotta look in a wider circle.

Life is short: relax and enjoy the ride!

My Brother’s Influence

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My twin brother, bless him, is always on my case about “not dressing the part.” He continually pressures me to “dress up more” since I work in a management position. I deal with many elected officials. I often represent my organization in meetings with officials from government agencies.

I have relented to wearing a tie when I have to go to these meetings, and even a jacket (if I absolutely must.) But I still steadfastly say “no” to dress shoes.

Or so I have said to my brother, who thinks that I am being more than stubborn. “Sei sempre così testadura!” he extolls.

He got “creative” this year for our birthday (still weeks away). He sent me a gift certificate from Kenneth Cole. He suggested that I get a “decent pair of shoes” with his generous gift in advance of national conference that I will be attending in Nashville later this month, and at which I will have to wear a suit most of the time (yuck!)

Well, I looked at the website and available footwear. My stomach turned into knots and I got a bad headache. Seriously, I can not consider wearing dress shoes. I can’t even consider wearing sneakers. Dress shoes make me ill. (Sorry to the shoe fetish guys — you have your interests and I have mine, and in this case, our interests do not intersect.)

I was considering “re-gifting” the gift certificate to my partner, but he stopped me cold when he said, “how would J [my twin] feel about that?” And of course I would tell him, if he didn’t know already. (That “twin-thing” is alive and real for us. He always knows what’s on my mind.)

I agonized over this for a couple weeks. Monday morning, J called me and said, “you haven’t gotten the shoes, have you? You won’t, will you? You’ve got that conference coming up, but this whole ‘shoe business’ has probably caused you a lot of agony, hasn’t it?” Man, that guy knows me. Guilty as charged!

Then he sent me back to the Kenneth Cole website, and suggested that I look at the “n-different” boot. The style is being discontinued. Other so-called boots that Kenneth Cole sells are just plain ugly (IMHO). But the “n-different” boot was, well, “different.” It’s a boot, at least. A lace-up, which my best friend “AZ” detests. But… it’s a boot. So I ordered a pair.

These “boot-ettes” arrived Tuesday (without even having to pay for next-day service!) I put them on and wore them to work yesterday, with a Harley tie that my brother gave me a few years ago. I’m wearing this stuff to prove to my brother that I can wear something a bit more dressy to work. Funny, at our staff meeting on yesterday, six people commented on the Harley tie, and two on the boots. “New shoes? Nice!” said the boss.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them. (Even if it kills ‘ya!)

Now I Have Seen It All

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I usually take a walk at lunchtime. Yesterday, while strolling the streets of Washington, DC, I saw this nice-looking guy in a shirt, tie, suit jacket, matching suit pants, and…

OMG!

Flip-flops.

I did a double-take. So did many others who were waiting to cross the street as I was. There this dude was, all pretty-as-you-please, in a suit, dress shirt & tie, and those gawd-awful things on his feet.

Lawdy-lawd, gimme a break! I thought I had seen everything… until now.

Dehner Boots at the Office

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Some days, I choose to wear dress instep Dehner Patrol boots to work, just for the heck of it. They are comfortable and look good with dress slacks.

I admit, too, I like how these tall boots hug my legs. They feel great. The boots also work well on the Harley, too, as I ride to the Metro station. But because this pair of boots, which I got from a cop who no longer wanted them, have Dehcord (plastic) shafts, I wear them with pants or chaps over them when I ride, so I don’t damage the shafts by exposure to the heat of a hot motorcycle engine.

Life is short: wear your boots!

Stupidity on a Motorcycle

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Responsible motorcyclists like me see kids like this and just shake their heads. This kid was to my left, waiting at a red traffic signal when I snapped his photo. What’s wrong with this picture?

  • His right leg is ready to get seriously burned, as both of his hot exhaust pipes are centimeters from his leg.

  • His feet are ready to be seriously injured, as sneakers provide no protection whatsoever in a crash.

  • His backpack was heavy, and I observed that it restricted his movement. That’s really bright; I guess he’s never heard of bungee cords.

  • He was wearing a nice jacket, and while it’s difficult to see, he was wearing thick gloves — why the jacket and gloves if he doesn’t give a damn about the rest of his body?

  • Don’t miss that full-face helmet. If he weren’t riding with his visor fully open, he might actually be doing something right on that end of his anatomy.

What you can not see in this photo is that he was driving like a hot dog, too. He tore off at the light, only for me and others going the speed limit to catch up to him at the next light.

This style of dress and motorcycle riding behavior is so stupid! Yet we see this all too often. When I was an emergency medical responder, I scraped kids like this up off the street all the time. Still happens.

Life is short: Real Bikers Wear Boots! (with long pants).

A Matter of Perception

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My partner and I went to a dozen stores on Friday, looking at carpeting, countertops, flooring, and other items we will need to do a remodeling of our kitchen in August. I went dressed like this — well, same camo BDUs and combat boots, but just a plain black t-shirt (I don’t really think they would understand what a “bootdude” is LOL!)

We live in a rather wealthy community. Many of the people who shop in the stores we visited dress the part of a yuppie (because they are the part), in their khaki slacks, boat shoes, and golf shirts with some animal on it. They drive up in their Lexus or BMW or Mercedes or Infiniti, and walk around like they own the place.

When you go into a store like that dressed like I was, you are treated differently. The store sales people think you’re a contractor. If you can get their attention (a big “if”), they speak to you as a normal person. They use more technical language, and instead of offering “solutions,” they talk more about “what you need to get the job done.”

I witnessed that when I asked for a price on a certain item and then a golf-shirted sockless-loafered yuppie asked for a price on the same item, my quote was lower… significantly lower.

I have learned that while you can live among the wealthy, if you don’t want to get ripped off, don’t dress like them. I don’t like that style of dress anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

Further, I was driving my nephew’s old beat-up pick-up truck. I had to haul something to the dump (sorry, our wealthy county calls it a “transfer station”), which isn’t far from some of these stores. The truck was more useful in hauling the debris that I had to get rid of. When you arrive at a store by means of an old beat-up truck dressed in BDUs and combat boots, the store personnel instantly form an opinion that can be useful to obtain better pricing on some items.

That is, of course, IF you can get their attention. In one store, a yuppie drove up in a high-end SUV and walked into the store at the same time I did. Three sales clerks fell all over themselves to ask him if he needed any help. No one talked to me. I finally had to go tap one of them on the shoulder to ask a question. Her reaction was as if I had leprosy. If the situation were not so funny, I would cry.

Anyway, next time you have to go to a store to buy something that could be rather expensive, go in an old beat-up truck, dress in your grubbiest clothes and boots, and see if the same thing happens to you. You get better prices provided you can get attention.

Life is short: go grubby! Grrrr!

Oh, Say Can You See?

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Happy Birthday, America!

Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

… this is what I will be singing, as off-key as I do, when two friends who I have mentored and who passed their citizenship test are sworn in to become U.S. citizens today. I am so very proud of them, their hard work and accomplishments, and what this day truly means. And nowhere could be a more fitting setting than at Ft. McHenry, which protected Baltimore harbor from British attack in the War of 1812. The “rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air” about which Francis Scott Key wrote were set off from ships in this harbor, and form some of the words which serve as lyrics to our National Anthem.

Yeah, I get kinda patriotic, but that’s what Independence Day is all about.

Aside: Today is Independence Day! The fourth of July is only a date on which our country’s independence is formally celebrated, but in reading history, we could easily have selected July 2 (the date when Congress approved the resolution of Independence) or August 2 (the date when most delegates signed the Declaration of Independence).

After the patriotic and moving swearing-in ceremony, I will bid my friends adios. They plan to stay in Baltimore and tour Ft. McHenry and enjoy the sights of the city. I’ll hop on my Harley and ride to my brother’s for a Maryland crab feast. Ahhh… that’s what this day is all about. Citizenship, family, fun, and crabs! Woo-hoo!

Life is short: share your joy!

Three Day Weekend

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Tomorrow, my country will be 233 years old. Happy Birthday, America!

Because our Independence Day Holiday, July 4, falls on Saturday, we get the Friday before off of work. Today begins a three-day holiday! Yippie!

Well, I should be saying “yippie,” but “the list” at home is huge. However, I promised as recently as yesterday that I would embrace my partner’s non-ending “honey-do list” and not complain.

Instead, if you see me out and about today, I will be smiling. I promise! Despite warm, sunny, motorcycle-friendly weather, I’ll be driving in a cage from place-to-place-to-place, shopping for carpet, kitchen countertops, appliances, resilient flooring, and other stuff on my partner’s list of required materials for home renovation.

My partner “sees” what he thinks would fit our budget, our space, and our lifestyle in his mind. My trick is to translate his “vision” to actual by visiting stores with him and looking at and touching various items. So while you’re enjoying the first day of your holiday, imagine me dragging from store to store all day long. So help me… of the many things I dread, shopping is about #1 on the list. But I promised! Smile! No complaining!

Further, I “negotiated” by agreeing to give up all day today to assuage my partner’s shopping demands in exchange for having most of the day tomorrow to do something really special. Check back tomorrow to find out!

Life is short: show those you love that you love them! (by relinquishing your soul to the shopping-devil!)