Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?

Frequent visitors to my blog come here because they enter a question like “Where can I find masculine gay men” into a search engine like Google which directs them here. Perhaps it’s because I have written blog posts before about masculine gay men. Being one, I know something about which I speak.

In looking for a masculine gay man, one first has to overcome believing certain stereotypes about gay men. (See this blog post from September 3, 2010).

Masculine men project confidence. They walk, talk, and behave in a positive, secure manner. Straight men who ridicule gay men are demonstrating insecurity and fear, as well as a reflection of social stereotyping that they have been misled to believe.

But back to the topic — where are masculine gay men found? Well, it is somewhat easier to describe where they are usually not found:

  • gay bars, in general
  • dance clubs
  • at the mall (shopping)
  • on-line

If I were looking for a masculine gay man, where would I look?

  • On a hiking trail
  • On a recreational sports team or league
  • At a real rodeo (not a gay rodeo)
  • At a guy on a motorcycle, perhaps riding with a group
  • in a local pub or bar, frequented by the general public, not a segment of society

I have joined, unjoined, reviewed, and looked at dozens of social networking websites, including the most popular general sites like Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Friendster, and others, as well as those that are gay-oriented, like Recon’s family of websites (WorldLeathermen, Bootedmen, etc.), Gearfetish, BLUF, Hotboots, and others. There are masculine men who participate on these sites, but there are also a lot of wannabe leatherdudes, drama queens, and lonely people. And a lot of participants on the gay social networking sites are bottoms. Masculine men tend to be Tops. It’s hard to tell who’s who by a web posting anyway. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who post misleading content and use photos that do not represent who they are today.

If you are looking for a confident, sane, safe, normal masculine man, my advice is not to rely exclusively on the Internet. As I said, there are some masculine gay men who participate on various websites, but not that many. And it takes a long time to discover them, make a connection, build a friendship, and perhaps meet. Geez, I participated on hotboots.com for a long time before the masculine men whom I have befriended closely and I connected.

Instead of relying on on-line sources alone, I suggest: get out! Join a club! Get involved in your community! Join a team (even just to help out if you can’t or don’t want to play)! Socialize with straight people!

I observe that masculine gay men tend to hang out with straight people (and gay people as well) — masculine gay men are secure enough in themselves that they do not feel that they have to socialize only with gay people.

Perhaps a group in the unlikliest of places may have a masculine gay man in its midst. For example, my best friend AZ is very active with his Catholic church and its activities. Several men in some “straight” motorcycle clubs that I know are gay. They don’t wear a sign. In fact, they may still be quite in the closet. Eventually, though, as you get to know people, you’ll find out.

Don’t sign up for the next gathering of the leather-clad clan just because a lot of dudes in leather will be there. Wearing leather and boots doesn’t make a man masculine. His self-assured attitude, secure nature, and confidence does. Heck, I’ve seen more than my share of once-a-year leather queens at these events. The attendees aren’t quite what the advertising projects.

In summary: break that bubble. If you are a gay man who is interested in finding another gay man who is confident, secure, safe, sane, and masculine, then my advice is to open your circle and socialize with all sorts of people in activities that you would enjoy doing. Be yourself. Smile. Relax. Enjoy. It will happen — you will meet that guy. You just gotta look in a wider circle.

Life is short: relax and enjoy the ride!

9 thoughts on “Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?

  1. I have found the highest concentration of masculine men at local bathhouses. I took the chance with a man I met through one and now have been in a faithful relationship for the past 3 years.

  2. Thanks for the comment about finding masculine men at a bathhouse. Interesting thought, thanks for sharing. I did not mention a bathhouse in my post because we don't have any bathhouses in the area where I live, and I've never used one. I only wrote from my own experience.

  3. I like what you wrote and I'm glad you found someone. I'm still looking, but I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not. I'm not into gay acting guys. They're cool and everything, but I kind of want someone that I am more of buddies with but having a relationship as well. It's so hard to find. I live in an area where there is nothing around so there arent many places to go. You're right though. When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there and I'm afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy. The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I'm in denial, I just don't want to be with someone that likes madonna and wants to go shopping all the time. I guess I wouldnt mind if it was just the music, but if I want a guy that acts girly then I'll date a girl. Good site though. Thanks

  4. Nice read – I did indeed end up here from a search engine. Still a youngin' here, just 20, but the search for a good, steady guy tends to occupy a good majority of my thoughts.

    Do you have any advice for those of us that like masculine men, but tend to adopt a more bookish/secluded nature? Is the only real option to finding the kind of guy that 'lights my fire' taking up the sort of things you've described? I'm not a sport-minded individual (though I find athleticism attractive) and while I used to do more outdoors-type stuff, I'm currently in the middle of a major metropolitan area with no real way of getting around to stuff like that.


  5. To the guy who wrote about looking for a masculine man who is more of the "bookish" nature. I'll write a future blog post about that, but for now, let me offer a little bit more…

    What I'm trying to say is that masculine men tend to mix and mingle and become involved in activities that straight people enjoy. Book clubs, theater or movie groups, listening to a folk or local band at a small venue.

    I agree, not all masculine men are into sports, hiking, or outdoor activities. There are indoor activities, too. What has concerned me is that gay guys looking for gay guys have restricted themselves to looking in places that are known as gay-oriented hangouts, which tend to be bars with dancing. I don't like bars and I hate to dance. And the dancing guys tended to have characteristics that weren't appealing to me.

    What I'm saying is, look in a broader sphere, and don't be afraid to go to straight-oriented venues that you can get to. Secure, masculine gay men don't feel that they "have" to hang out only in gay venues. In several "straight" groups that I do things with, I have found a number of gay men, too.

    Perhaps I have found out they're gay because I'm secure enough to be fully out — so the other people in the group know I'm gay. When other gay guys find out I'm gay, they reveal their sexual orientation to me because they know I'm no threat. I encourage you to be open and not hide in the closet. Other closeted men won't be known to you, or you to them.

  6. I could not have said it better than the other 20 year old. Reading that was like reading something I had written. I am also 20 and am currently living on a college campus. I feel like this should be an easy place to meet a guy but have yet to meet a single one. I do not flaunt the fact that I am gay, as I am still not totally confident in telling people, not because I am afraid of their reaction, but because I don't want them to treat me as if I were some feminine type guy. I just want to find another masculine guy. How can I find out if a guy is gay? I have some friends that always know if a guy is gay, but I can never tell. Any help here?

  7. Eric, and other young men looking for a guy closer to your age: I wish I could help. I'm 33 years older than you, and my circumstances were different from yours. You are in so much of a better situation than I was, because when I was in college, I was both too busy and afraid to recognize and deal with my own sexual identity. You already have, and I commend you for that. I hid my interest in other guys much longer — like 'til my 30s, as I explained here.

    All I can say is join clubs and group activities. You are not alone. There ARE gay guys on your campus and your age. Most regular guys who are interested in other guys may be deeply in the closet, as I was. Be yourself. Be friendly. Be patient, but be persistent. Something beyond a one-night stand will work out. For me, it wasn't until I was 35, and I hope for you it's sooner. But I can tell 'ya, these past 18 years of being together have been great. A lot of work, as relationships ARE work.

    I wish you well.

  8. Great article thanks. It's really tough to find a masculine guy for me to date. I dated one for years, but we never really got along that well and I knew I was dating him just cuz I didn't feel like doing the single life again lol. But now I'm single and on the hunt again hehe 🙂

  9. Thanks to BHD and his posting on finding masculine gay men. I am a 50 year old single guy living in a summer gay resort town in New England, year round.
    Winters are lonely and summertime is insane! There is one week in July, "Bear Week" that brings a group of guys to town that I have a similar affinity for. Unfortunately, I am too busy and fatigued to enjoy the action, working 10/12 hours a day to make a living, affording me the opportunity to live out here in the winter without employment.
    You are correct sir, in broadening ones "search" to include straight, non-sexually specific smaller venues.
    I have met some great guys at events like these. We do posses that inner "gaydar".
    I have met a few rugged guys at a bath house, as well as online. Warning, I have a keen ability to read between the lines of some online profiles, ensuring me to stay away from possible mishap connections!
    As you posted, one has to be secure in ones self to attract a similar man of interest.

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