Category Archives: Masculinity

More on Masculine Gay Men

Posted on by

I have received several messages in response to my post yesterday titled, Do Masculine Gay Men Scare Masculine Straight Men?” From what I’m reading, there are a number of masculine gay men who have been subjected to taunts, negative comments, and ridicule from straight men when the straight guys find out that they’re gay.

So I did a little bit more research, and found a fascinating article titled “Straightjacketed.”

Several things in that article hit home:

  • Growing up, men are faced with the continual threat of being seen as gay and the continuous challenge of proving that they are not gay. In short, boys and men are kept in line by homophobia.
  • Masculinity is strongly molded by homophobia, the widespread fear of and contempt for homosexuals.
  • Homophobic beliefs are deeply embedded in our society. Even the many books about men largely ignore the fact that mainstream masculinity is heterosexual

I contend that masculine straight men behave as if they are afraid of masculine gay men only because when a guy looks, behaves, dresses, talks, and otherwise appears “as a man,” it goes against what men have been taught by society since they were born. Straight men expect all gay men to behave the same way — with effeminate characteristics, a high squeaky voice, limp wrists, and other characteristics enhanced by the social stereotyping process.

I know more than a few gay men who are not masculine in their behavior at all, and who serve as the role models for the social stereotype that all gay men are “queens.” Well, not all are. Not all straight men are rugged outdoorsy-types, either. Many men these days take on what was considered not too long ago as feminine roles with regard to caring for children and/or elderly parents, cleaning the house, cooking meals, and such.

I also know gay men who are afraid of masculine gay men. Heck, I observe that right where I work, and in my neighborhood. But our differences have nothing much to do with whether we behave as masculine men or not. It simply has to do with being interested in different things. I’m interested in riding my Harley, and wearing boots and leather when I do so. Some of the gay men to which I refer are more interested in going to movies and to clubs. Does either behavior make either one of us more or less “gay?” I think not….

Then the same is true about straight men and gay men — neither one of us is more or less of a man due to the biological expressions of our respective genes that determine whether or not we are hetero- or homosexual. (Yeah, I am clearly among those who believe that gay men are born gay, not “made” gay.)

It all boils down to the focus of the article that I summarized: homophobia is “taught” indirectly by society and men (and some women) react in ways to reject homosexuality because society expects them to behave that way. What some of them may be afraid of is to reject society’s normative instruction — that is, they are afraid to reject homophobia. It is quite possible for men to be straight, but not narrow.

I think it is important for gay men to help straight men learn about who we are, to accept us, and to become our allies. They are more likely to do that if we as gay men behave in ways that don’t fulfill social stereotypes which frighten more men than we may know.

My two cents. What’s yours?

Do Masculine Gay Men Scare Masculine Straight Men?

Posted on by

I have been following links back to sources of internet content that link to my website or this blog. Some of what I am finding is amusing, some of it indicates that the writer is nothing more than a grade-school dropout, some of it is rants from the Internet Generation, but some of it indicates to me that masculine straight men are afraid of masculine gay men, especially masculine gay men like me who ride a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and who enjoy wearing boots and leather.

I can’t quite figure it out, but I am observing that there are a lot of people — gay and straight — who are insecure.

Insecure gay men demonstrate their insecurity by behaving in a way that gay people refer to as “drama queens.” And man, there are many of them out there. But by referring to them as drama queens, that’s how gay people put them in their place — just little twits who should be ignored.

Masculine straight men demonstrate their insecurities by how vocal they become to ridicule gay men who choose to wear masculine attire, such as boots and leather. Some of these insecure men also have demonized gay men who ride a Harley (or any motorcycle, for that matter). They make broad generalizations about gay men who are confident in their choices of motorcycle to ride and biker attire to wear.

Some have written that gay men only like motorcyclists who are clean-cut and wear designer jeans. Oh, gimme a break. That’s another indicator of stereotyping, which is a sure sign of intellectual ineptitude (or just plain old lack of any intelligence), as well as insecurity.

Face it, straight guys — there are masculine gay men out here, too. Some of us are the proverbial “guy next door” who happens to live with the man he loves. I am one of those guys. I care for my family, neighbors, and friends. I have a full-time job, a home, and a life. I volunteer a lot to serve my community in various ways. And yeah, I ride a Harley in boots (always) and leather (when it is cool/cold.) And I love my one-and-only man.

Did I choose a Harley because “it’s the gay bike?” Ha… like most bikers, I moved up to a Harley after riding Japanese bikes for years, finding them to be unreliable. Great training wheels, but when one is a serious motorcyclist, then he’s going to choose a serious bike: a Harley.

And I know I’m not alone. I’ve made some great friends who are masculine men, who live with their partners, have a life, and contribute to their community in various ways. I’ve met them through a mutual interest in boots, but that really was only a thread that led to an introduction. My masculine friends (you know who you are) have nothing to prove, yet demonstrate their confidence and security each and every day by living with (and sometimes coping with) others who are insecure and attempt to ridicule them, or engage in being negative. I gain strength from their friendship and their positive, secure attitude toward life and those they love — gay and straight.

So that’s about it: I conclude that some masculine straight men are afraid of masculine gay men, but that is because they are insecure, and won’t admit it. So go ahead and link to my blog or my website and ridicule me. I’m man enough to take it. I quit worrying about school-yard bullies in second grade.

Who I am In Leather and Boots

Posted on by

I have had a bit of dialogue with a close friend about my blog post about wearing tall boots and leather out in the community when I attend meetings, or just “around” as I go about my business.

This post is a follow-up to my post that I wrote yesterday. In that message, I was extolling my pride in the openness and tolerance of the community in which I was born, raised, live, and serve.

But actually, there’s more to it than that. Certainly, living in a community that accepts me for who I am, who I choose to love, and how I choose to express myself is important to me. But I have to go back and think — heck, I have worn boots since age 10, and leather as soon as I got a motorcycle when I was 20. I just loved to put on my first pair of leather chaps, vest or biker jacket, Frye harness boots, and ride to my destination (usually to classes at the University).

No one said a thing. I rode a motorcycle. I showed up in boots and leather. The two went together. Simple as that.

After graduation, beginning to work and getting involved — very involved — in community affairs, I continued to enjoy getting to where I needed to be on a motorcycle. Naturally, then, I continued to wear leather.

As I earned decent money and saved up some, I began to buy custom leather gear. It fit better, looked MUCH better, and performed well for how I use it (that is, for protection as I ride my bike, as well as for comfort and style). Custom leather pants, shirts, and boots were purchased over time.

So as I went out and about in my community, visited family, friends, or even appeared at public hearings and countless community meetings, there I would be, in boots and leather.

This explains, then, why it’s not really an “issue” when I show up at community meetings, family events, or at the shopping center in boots and leather. Nobody says a thing. I need not worry about someone making a “Village People” wisecrack because boots and (most often times) leather is what people expect to see me wearing. Heck, I truly feel that some of the leaders in our community and my neighbors, family, and friends would faint if I showed up in a suit. Or if I did (show up in a suit), that is indeed when I might expect to hear a wisecrack of some sort. (What, you’ve become a lobbyist now?) I can just hear it.

My thinking today is a little different from yesterday in the sense that if people had not previously seen you in leather before and then you appear in something that, to them, is a rather dramatic departure from the expected norm, then it’s likely someone will say something.

In my case, leather and boots are what I usually wear. It’s just who I am. But if wearing this gear is not common for you, and you wear it and someone says something to you, just expect reactions that may include comments that possibly could be perceived as being unkind. Instead of feeling self-conscious about it, prepare yourself with come-back phrases like: “cool, huh?” or “like my new duds?” or “I thought the boots were smokin’ hot!” … you get the picture. Express delight in your gear, and that will more likely win over negative noodles, or at least silence them.

Life is short: wear your boots and leather!

UPDATE, Thursday morning: here I am at work, in “business casual” street clothes and cowboy boots. I don’t always wear leather. It’s not acceptable in my office, but there’s a leather jacket hanging behind my door, boots on my feet, and chaps & gloves locked in the TourPak of the Harley that I wore on my ride to Metro. So “no”, leather is not worn “all” the time, but in my “off-time” when I’m runnin’ around my community, attending meetings, visiting family, helping friends and neighbors, then you’ll see me in leather jeans, perhaps a leather shirt and/or vest, and more often than not, tall biker boots. It’s just who I am.

The Gay Genes

Posted on by

It’s kind of a joke around our household — whenever my partner gets excited about a home decorating show on TV or something like that, I just zone out and say, “I didn’t get those gay genes.”

Yesterday, I was glued to various TV stations watching news about the impact of the most recent hurricane off the Gulf of Mexico, while my partner was reviewing the newspaper ads in the Sunday inserts. I noted that this Cat 2 storm had a surge of a Cat 4 hurricane while he noted that Jacklyn Smith designs have replaced Martha Stewart at KMart.

Today I decided to try out a new video camera that I received, and it took me a while to mount to my Harley for the right “boot shot”. Meanwhile, my partner is watching the latest Candice Olsen home design show, and was all excited about some product she was featuring. I’m changing into cop breeches and boots, and he’s going on about just where such-and-such an object would work with the decorations in our basement rec room. We might as well have been on different planets.

I just never got those “gay genes.” That is, provided, that gay men are supposed to be oriented more toward fashion and design. I really leave all that stuff up to my partner. I admit it, I’m clueless when it comes to design, color schemes, what “works” where, etc. And on top of that, I don’t really care. (But I don’t have to care since my partner is so good at it.) My genes remain oriented to more typical male things, like boots, bikers, and leather gear.

Oh well, my partner and I are quite different in our interests, but not our goals and values. That’s what’s important, ultimately. Who cares if Martha Stewart’s towels are no longer in KMart, other that Martha? Meanwhile, I’ll keep focusing on hurricane recovery efforts. I know that this is where I will be spending a lot of my time at work over the next weeks and months.

Help others as best you can. If you want to help those affected by the hurricane, donate cash to a trusted charity. Don’t send canned goods and used clothing. Believe me, I have seen how much of a disaster it is when unrequested donations pile up, get wet, then moldly, then have to be dumped in a landfill. Instead, donate money that helps people get what they need wherever they are, as well as support the economy of the affected areas.

Meanwhile, keep your boots on the ground (or on a motorcycle) and enjoy life!

Who am I Now?

Posted on by

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and musing with some friends and my partner… asking myself, “who am I now?”

My life is settled. I have a wonderful partner; regular full-time job that I enjoy; nice home in the quiet suburbs; a Harley (and a 4-wheeled vehicle too); great family, good friends, and a wonderfully accepting and tolerant community. I lead a busy civic life, and enjoy having opportunities to help make others’ lives just a little bit better each day. I am a fortunate man in many respects.

Am I the guy dressed in leather going to a leather bar? Not (any more.) Am I the cowboy entering the gay rodeo? Not (any more.) Am I the guy showing up at the gay pride festival? Not (any more.) But you may find me in boots and leather around my community and at home, and perhaps on my website or a few other places around the ‘net. I may not get out much, but I’m not dead (yet).

I am… the colleague who explains where to meet when the fire alarm goes off… the neighbor who helps you fix that broken window… the friend who commiserates the loss of a pet cat… the Road Captain who leads you on a fun and safe motorcycle ride… the homeowner’s association President who gets the county to repair your broken sidewalk… the civic activist who will be with you at a public hearing on local development issues and who testifies before local and state legislators about issues that will improve our community… the “nice young man” who escorts you to the polls to exercise your privilege to vote or who helps you compute your income tax return and file it… the fundraiser for local charities… the gentleman who organizes volunteers to install safety items in your home, and twists arms of local vendors to supply the materials… the cousin who shares your joy at the birth of your latest grandchild and updates the family tree… the nephew who takes you grocery shopping… the brother, uncle, and great uncle who loves you more than you’ll ever know… and the partner in every sense of the word to his one-and-only man.

Yeah, I guess I have changed, from a guy who played a bit in leather, but uses it now for riding his Harley than going out to leather bars. The former cowboy who if he rode a horse today couldn’t walk for a week. The guy who might sit and watch “CHiPs” re-runs on TV but now is so involved in the community, with friends, and with family, that he doesn’t even know what’s on any more (and doesn’t care).

My focus and interests have changed. Is it maturity? Is it age? Is it accepting that I am fulfilling my parents’ desires for a life fulfilled? I dunno. I muse. I wonder. But you know, I love my life and for that, I thank God, my family, my friends, and most of all, my loving and abiding partner. He really made it all happen for me, more than he will ever know.

Life is short. Wear your boots. Love those you love even more.