Category Archives: Masculinity

Is the Alpha-Male a Real Person?

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This is another guest blog post from a friend whose experience and background is similar to my own. The photos of the boots shown in the post below are from my friend’s collection.

By: the Only Booted Man in Town

In a previous guest blog, I talked about why I wear cowboy boots in a US state where doing so is an oddity. Not unheard of; just a rare occurrence. Here I delve into the correlation between boot-wearing and that scary thing called Masculinity.

Let me talk about my own personal story a bit before I jump into generalities. I grew up in a stable home. No dysfunction, or no more dysfunction than is found in typical families. I had a happy childhood. But I was a loner for the most part. I did have friends, but a lot of times, when I got a good friend they moved away. Or they started playing with other kids. I was bullied in elementary school (sound familiar?) because I wasn’t that typical boy and didn’t do typical boy things, and wasn’t good at sports. Picked last on the team, beamed by the ball at dodgeball — you name it, it happened to me. I was a crybaby — don’t know why I did, but the waterworks opened uncontrollably without warning and oftentimes for no great reason. And the things I where I excelled were things that weren’t manly back in the 1970s, like cooking and baking.

I longed to be a guy and to be good at guy things.

As the years went by, I did find my niche among other kids. I stopped dressing like a nerd and had friends. We weren’t the most popular kids at school, but I held my own and didn’t get picked on any more except by one or two bozos. I learned to play the bagpipes in my 20s, and bonded with a pretty wild bunch of guys — it takes a lot of balls to wear a kilt in public, and don’t mess with a group of rowdy pipers. We carry knives. I learned to weave and work with textiles — and felt guilty that those things that I liked to do weren’t manly enough. It took years before I realized that weaving is okay, and that most professional weavers were men.

I turned out okay. I got married and have two sons. I teach cooking classes at a living history museum where I work. Those classes, filled to capacity, are for boys only. I still can’t ride a bike or throw a baseball. But I am starting to realize that that is okay too. Yet, still, there is that part of me still searching for a masculine identity that escaped me as a child. And I don’t want my kids to go through what I went through.

How do boots reflect my struggle with Masculinity? When I was younger, I fell in love with boots because of their rough manliness. I remember finding a pair of my dad’s rubber boots in the basement one day when I was about 5 and putting them on, and suddenly feeling more manly. I have talked about getting my first pair of cowboy boots in a previous guest blog. When I put them on, I felt more manly too.

And now I wear cowboy boots all the time. I admit that I wear them in part because they make me feel manly and powerful. Like a cowboy. Silly, well, yes, but so be it. But I have come to realize that it is okay to wear boots because they make me feel good. It took a lot of inner struggle to come to this realization. The questions kept popping up in my head: am I being TOO male? Don’t only gay guys wear boots? And if a guy looks at my boots in “that way,” won’t it bother me? All those questions come up in my mind from time to time. The answer is no, gentle reader, to all of the above.

Maybe this whole tale hits a nerve with some of you. Maybe not. But I think we all try as men to be the best men that we can be, regardless of sexuality or whatever. We all struggle with that ideal picture of the great testoterone-filled Alpha Male that we wish we were. Society’s latest penchant for male-bashing doesn’t help, either.

As I get older, I realize that I am who I am, and will be who I will be. I have started to understand that that testosterone-laden, cigar-chomping, booted leather-clad Alpha Male never was a real person, and only serves to cause us problems when we pretend he IS real.

It isn’t bad to wear boots or leather or whatever if it makes you more in touch with Masculinity. But don’t let that dreamed-up image overcome reality.

So, we press on.

Be who you are, and be proud of who you are.

Something to ponder in your own struggles in this thing called life…

Note from BHD: thanks again to my friend for sharing great insights and sharing some more photos of his great boot collection. Return to this blog tomorrow for my thoughts on this matter.

Top 10 Countdown: 1 – 5

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I continue with the list of my blog posts that receive the most number of unique visitors, as revealed by Statcounter for this year.  (The top 6-10 posts were revealed yesterday, here.)

#5:  How To Wear Biker Boots  (November 18, 2010)

I should have posted this a long time ago.  Of course I should have known that few people know how to wear biker boots, which is the reason that question must be entered into Google so often.  That can be the only reason — only us bikers know the secret handshake, the concealed location of the privacy pocket in a leather vest, and the intricacies of precisely how to wear biker boots.  (As I said yesterday, sometimes I wonder why someone has to ask that question… perhaps they need to revert to wearing sneakers or loafers and refrain from operating a motorcycle.)

#4:  Wesco Boots — Gay?   (December 11, 2009)  [This was ranked #6 last year]

As I said yesterday about this year’s post #6 (Wesco Boots and Gay Culture), there is a rather frequent misconception that guys who do not work in rough blue-collar trades (such as linesman, loggers, or woodland firefighters) and who choose to wear and display Wesco boots (or, heaven forbid, make a video about them!) — therefore must be gay and the boots are gay too.  While the West Coast Shoe Company (Wesco) does a lot of marketing to the motorcycle rider market, that marketing does not seem to penetrate among the bikers with whom I ride in the U.S. State of Merlin (that’s how you pronounce it, fellas).  I am the only guy in my outfit about which I am aware who wears Wesco boots while riding.  I am gay.  Therefore, the obvious leap of logic is that Wesco Boots are gay, or wearing them makes you gay, or that only gay men wear Wesco Boots. Bullshirt. Read the original post.

3.  Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?  (July 10, 2010)   [This was ranked #4 last year … so the ranking indicates sustained and growing interest in this topic.]

I see sooooo many inquiries entered anonymously into search engines such as: “where to find masculine gay guys” or “are there masculine gay men” or “where to meet normal masculine guys” or even, “are there masculine gay men?” (as in, “do they exist?”)  There is a large interest out there from single guys, mostly younger, who are looking for a guy who doesn’t behave effeminately.  Perhaps there is some curiosity, too, that I am a masculine gay man who is in love with another masculine gay man. 

The challenge is that most masculine-behaving gay guys have learned skills to hide that they are gay, and remain firmly in the closet.  Society has taught them (incorrectly) that “real men aren’t gay” and that there is something wrong with guys who like guys.  I could go on and on… the point is that stereotypes and heteronormative expectations are out there.  Thus, it is very hard to find a masculine gay man.  This post has some ideas about where to look … and this post explains why they are so elusive.

2.  Gay Leather Breeches  (November 1, 2010)

It is likely that this post’s rank so high in readership on this blog is an anomaly, in that while this post gets a lot of unique visits — sorta off the charts since it was posted — it may also be ranking so high because it is recent and serves as a topic of interest to gay men who are planning to attend upcoming gatherings of the Gay Men’s Leatherclan (Mid-Atlantic Leather in Washington, DC, in January and International Mr. Leather in Chicago, Illinois, in May).

I took the approach in that blog post to dispel the notion that leather breeches unto themselves are not gay, though well over 90% of visitors to that post have entered “gay leather breeches” into a search engine which directed them to this post.  I think what they were seeking were answers to any of these questions:  1) where can I find leather breeches to wear to a gay men’s gathering?  or 2) are people who wear leather breeches gay (as in ‘always’)?

Well, whatever, this post gets a lot of readers directed to it from internet searches.  Not a surprise — so many people like to search anonymously for information to resolve curiosity.

And … dah-dah-dum!  Here’s the Number One blog post this year:

#1:  Bulges and Breeches   (July 18, 2009)  [This was ranked #2 last year, so again, by an increase to ranking #1, it shows a sustained interest!]

Why such a high, sustained interest?  Just go to Google images and enter “Tom of Finland.”  You will see a LOT of ToF images on blogs, including this one.  I grabbed this image from the net, that links to my blog post.  The post was written as a review — admiration of superb artwork.

Perhaps, as well, images like this is where the perception of “gay leather breeches” and gay men in tall black boots comes from.

Life is short:  keep reading and I will keep blogging!

The Elusive Masculine Gay Man

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I have written a number of posts about masculinity and what seems to be a rarity among men who are gay — just being a guy.  A guy-guy.  That is how I am and how I behave.  Not putting on an act, or behaving in a way that is uncharacteristic of the man I am.  I’m just a guy who happens to be in love with another guy who is a “guy-guy.”

Lately, I have received some more comments from college-age guys looking for a masculine guy to develop a relationship with.  The challenge is sex.  Lots of guys have guy friends, but when a guy wants to have sex with another guy, that’s a different story.  And since society imposes rules (of perception) that “real men don’t have sex with other men” (that is, “real men aren’t gay”), then gay guys who behave in a masculine manner by nature tend to hide in the closet — never revealing their true interest in other guys.

In fact, some gay men who hide in the closet may become the most outspokenly negative about gay men.  They rant, call names, and write nasty things on Facebook messages to distance themselves from the thing they want most:  a deep relationship with another guy that includes sex.

I am not a shrink, but I am asked rather often, “how do you know someone is gay?”  and “how can you find another masculine guy who is gay?”  I have even been asked, “should I wear clothes like boots and jeans for the image they project?”

Let me take each of these questions separately:

1.  How do you know someone is gay?  Well, despite some people who claim that their “gaydar” is 100% (meaning that they claim that they can “always” determine someone else’s sexual orientation), that is not true.  Gay people do not have a scarlet letter branded to their forehead, nor an indicator on their driver’s license that says “G” where others have “M” or “F” indicated.

As a matter of fact, last month I was with a group of people and one of them absolutely insisted that he could “always tell” if someone else were gay.  So I asked him to “give me the test.”  He said there wasn’t a test, but he could “always tell.”  Having had enough, I asked him, “so, am I gay?”  His response:  “hell no.”  You should have seen the shocked look on his face when I told him that I am gay and have been in love with my partner for well over 17 years.  He sputtered and stammered and said, “but you wear leather, boots, and jeans.  You ride a Harley.  You are President of (x organization)….”  He proved my point: he was making assumptions based on activities in which I engage and stereotypes.  Even as a gay man myself, I can’t always tell if someone else is gay, and frankly, I don’t even try to do so, and don’t care.

2. How can you find another masculine guy?  I can go on and on again, but rather, I refer you to the original post on this matter, and ask that you read it, including the comments.  You can’t simply hang a sign and say, “masculine men only need apply.”  Ain’t gonna happen.  Just be yourself, and become active or involved in various groups where you just might meet another guy who, like you, is interested in masculine men.

3.  Should I wear clothes that project a masculine image?  Wear what you want, and what you like.  But if you’re looking for a masculine guy, he’s not going to respond to the latest designer-label jeans and designer-label jacket.  Ditch the fashion, and wear what other guys in your area wear.  If you like boots, wear them. If not, then don’t.  It’s up to you.  The choices of what you wear on your body and your feet will not make much of a difference provided what you wear is generally within the norm (okay, I’m being tactfully circumspect about men wearing women’s clothing.)

It all boils down to this:  relationships.  Every man seeking a mate — male or female — has to build a relationship first.  That’s what dating and courtship is all about.  You build on a friendship to a level of closeness that reveals your true identity because you are completely honest with your mate and do not hide your sexual orientation in the closet.  If the other guy likes you, and you come out to him, then if he is a real friend, he will not forsake you.  He may respond with becoming intimate, or he may back off and say, “not interested in that.”

But if he is a true friend, he won’t hurt you.  Regretfully, though, there are times when guys let down their guard and let someone in, only to be burned by the other guy who recoils with shock and says rude and hateful things.  To reduce that possibility, my recommendation is to take your time.

Taking the time to build a relationship with a masculine guy is very hard for some people to do.  It’s as hard for men as it is for women.  Younger people who are accustomed to instant satisfaction and immediate responses can’t handle having to take things slowly.  But I have found that most masculine gay men are very careful and deliberate in choosing who to get close to.  Some of them have been burned before, and some of them remain very much “in the closet.”  Some may not have self-identified as being gay, and are in denial.  Eventually, time will tell … but taking the time to figure it out is not an easy thing.  (For example, I was 35 when I met my man, but I wasn’t celibate… if you get the drift.)

You can find a masculine gay man if you’re looking for one.  You just need to take time, be patient, and keep being true to yourself.  Good luck.

Life is short:  but in this case, take your time.

Finding the Right Guy

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I received an email from a young man who described his desire to meet another guy like him — a guy-guy.  I hate to say it, but a “gay guy” is often aligned or malaligned as being effeminate.  Not all gay men are that way, but a number of them are.

I’ve posted before about masculine men, overcoming gay male stereotypes, where to find a masculine gay man, and how I found my man.  But let me reiterate some points that are related from my own life experience.

Most gay men don’t realize their interest in men until a bit later in life.  During high school, he usually “goes through the motions” of dating girls, going to the usual high school events like dances, etc., and playing a role that society (and parents) expect.  Think about it:  parents are the typical straight couple.  They expect their children to be heterosexual and tend to resist the thought that their sons may be gay.

When I was in high school, I jumped in with both boots.  I was very active in various clubs and groups, and excelled in my studies.  I became Salutatorian, which is a fancy way of saying that one other person beat me out scholastically to be the Valedictorian.  So be it.  High school was fun, but very focused.  My social life was in large circles; not with any one girl (or any one guy, for that matter.)

When I went to college, I was also busier than a beaver.  I thought I knew what I wanted to study, and worked hard at it.  But I had wide and varied interests.  What resulted was three undergraduate degrees in a relatively short five-and-a-half year timeframe, with a year of that spent studying in Europe.  On top of that, I became President of my college social fraternity, President of two other clubs, an officer in campus-wide student government, and maintained a 3.9 (out of a 4.0) gradepoint average on about 20 – 22 credits per semester.  I didn’t have TIME for a social life!

After college, I began working full-time, and going to school for a Master’s Degree.  Again, all work and no time for fun.  I would ride my motorcycle on those occasional off-times for fun, and would hang out with some friends on rare occasions.  But mostly, I remained focused on civic work (when I began my volunteering in the community), on completing my graduate studies, and working… working… working.  The work involved a huge amount of domestic travel.

By the time I reached my late 20s, I was feeling the sands of time dripping through that hourglass, and was wondering if I would ever “settle down.”  The family jokes about the “perpetual student” saw me working on a doctorate through completion.  Then they all kinda said, “so when are you going to find ‘the right woman’ and settle down?”

I had figured myself out by then, and gently explained that I’m not interested in women.  About the same time, the HIV/AIDS crisis was at its peak of confusion and fright.  My Mom thought that even dating another guy would result in my contracting this disease, and dying a horrid death.  I “laid low” (that is, didn’t have sex with anyone) because I was scared, too.

But human nature being what it is, I wanted to find “the right guy,” settle down, and have a life together with a home and the proverbial picket fence, flower gardens, and a life.  I mean, a real life with someone who is your best half, your best friend; the guy who supports you through life’s trials without question or criticism, and who is the bedrock of your life.

So by my mid-30s, I began looking around.  The Internet had not yet been widely deployed to the masses.  The only options I had were to go to bars… which I didn’t like.  I could dress the part, but I turned into a pumpkin way too early (like by 9pm, even back then.)

I got the weekly gay paper and read the ads for guys looking for guys. I arranged some dates.  All duds.  I joined a skydiving club, which I truly enjoyed… but all the guys had girls and even though this was a very masculine activity, no gay masculine men were in that group.  I went hiking with some groups, and found a gay guy in one of those groups, but he was “involved” with someone else.

I kept looking.  I joined a “leather/levi MC” club (mistakenly thinking it was a motorcycle riding club) … and that’s when I met my man.  I knew from the moment we first met that “he was the one.”  The day we met is the date we refer to it being our anniversary, because we’ve been together ever since.  Seventeen-plus years, with a lifetime to go making the bootprints of our journey.  

Had I not met my partner then, I would have kept looking.  Joining groups, hanging out in straight pubs and continuing involvement in civic work.  There are gay men in these places.  They just don’t hang a sign around their neck saying, “I’m a single masculine gay man.”

This young man is interested in meeting a man to build a life, not just for sex. Believe me, a relationship with a man takes work, and isn’t all sex.

Anyway, what I advised this young man was to continue with his college career and focus on what’s best for him academically.  If that brings him to grad school in another state, that’s fine.  If getting a spot in grad school is local, then so be it.  But focus on his needs for his future career and interests first.  Get a job where you want to work and will rise each day saying, “oh goodie!  I get to go to work today!”  (Remember, if you’re unhappy at work, you will be hard to be around, and few guys will want to hang around with a miserable person.  Make yourself happy, and you’ll have more people interested in you.  No one wants to date a sadsack.)

Then once your studies and work are settled into a predictable and pleasant routine, begin looking around.  That is, provided you haven’t met someone before then.  

It happens in the most unlikely circumstances, and when you’re not looking.  Take your time, focus on your needs, and don’t obsess about it.  Good things happen to those who wait.  (And I can relate a number of stories from gay men who didn’t wait, and got into some fairly awful situations.)

Life is short:  take care of yourself, and make the priorities your life.  

Boots Look Gay

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Oh cripes, there goes Google again, directing visitors to this blog and my website when they enter phrases such as:

  • All motorcycle boots look gay
  • Is it gay to wear tall boots?
  • Dudes in boots look gay

All this indicates, to me, is that some guys have a lot to learn and have some serious “issues.” I mean, they are obsessed with perceptions. They do not want to be perceived as having anything to do with gay culture, and for some silly reason, they have connected boots with being gay.

Come on, guys, get a life. I know that a colloquial saying, “that’s gay” is a euphemism for a number of things, mostly negative. Straight people don’t want to be associated with “gay” things. But come on! Boots of all things? Sheesh…

There was a discussion on the “Boots on Line” board recently about that issue — how men in tall boots historically were perceived as powerful, commanding authority figures. Then it seemed to change in the ’60s as tall boots were made for women as fashion items. Fewer men wore tall boots, and those who did began to wear shorter boots, like tactical boots. About the only men and authority figures these days who wear tall boots are motor patrol officers, riders of horses (police, polo players, etc.), and palace guards.

Sneakers took over as the choice of personal footwear in relaxed settings, such as at home. The number of brands and varieties of sneakers boomed in the 80s and continues in huge production today. Many guys who wear sneakers like them because they are comfortable. As we age, any form of comfort is appreciated.

But back to the topic… as tall boots became a fashion statement for women, then tall boots became associated with feminine attire. Thus … the common misconception, especially among poorly educated men, that tall boots are “gay.” They associate anything feminine with “gay.”

Oh cripes, guys. There are masculine gay men and there are less masculine gay men. Some gay men wear boots, some do not. But associating the two — boots and being gay — does not make sense. It indicates fear of an association. Revisit your thinking: what do boots have to do with being gay? … nothing. If you believe that wearing boots, especially tall boots, would cause others to believe that you are gay, then really look at how you act and how you behave. It’s more mannerisms and behavior that others make judgments about; not what you have on your feet.

Life is short: wear tall boots (if you’re man enough!)

Overcoming Gay Male Stereotypes

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One of the most viewed posts on this blog is my post titled, “Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?”. It was posted on July 10, 2009, and search engines direct about 20 visitors to it each week.

Someone recently posted a comment to that post anonymously. While he didn’t include his name, I kept the comment because what he said was interesting to me and contributed to the content of what the post was about. He said:

I like what you wrote and I’m glad you found someone. I’m still looking, but I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not. I’m not into gay acting guys. They’re cool and everything, but I kind of want someone that I am more of buddies with but having a relationship as well. It’s so hard to find. I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren’t many places to go. You’re right though. When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there and I’m afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy. The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I’m in denial, I just don’t want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time. I guess I wouldn’t mind if it was just the music, but if I want a guy that acts girly then I’ll date a girl. Good site though. Thanks.

I wish to comment about some things he said.

  • I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not

    I could probably make some quip starting with, “if you have to ask…” but that wouldn’t be nice. Generally, I have found in my experience, if you hang out with a guy and get along very well, then enjoy the company and the things you do together. Okay, you want to have a relationship beyond being buddies that includes intimacy. There are ways to figure that out.

    How does he look at you? How does he respond to touch? I’m not saying groping his crotch, but does he touch you like placing an arm around your shoulder, or accept that in return? Does his hand linger when you shake hands? What about his physical proximity to you? That is, does he sit close, or side-by-side? Is he comfortable with physical closeness such as being seated on a sofa with legs touching?

    In my opinion, the more a guy accepts being physically close, the more likely he is to accept an interest on a more intimate level. I agree, though, sometimes you have to be more direct about it. Rather than blurt out, “are you gay?” — I suggest you talk about yourself. At the right time in the right setting, tell him that you like guys, or more boldly, come out of the closet and explain that you’re gay. If he is gay, he’ll admit it. If he is not, but is your friend, he will say something like, “I’m not” and as long as you don’t get aggressive in your behavior, he will remain your friend.

  • I’m not into gay-acting guys.

    Oh goodness, here we go again. I’ll say this once more: not all gay men act the same way. “Gay Acting” is a social stereotype, and nothing more. Get over it. What you don’t like is a gay man who displays effeminate behavior. Okay, I understand that. I don’t either. So don’t go for what you don’t like.

  • I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren’t many places to go

    Having lived in a very rural area of Oklahoma for a while, I understand this point, too. As I said in my original blog post: you won’t find that many masculine gay men in profiles on the internet. Why is that? In my opinion, masculine gay men are secure in themselves and don’t advertise for mates — though some do on some gay dating or fetish websites like Gearfetish, Recon’s family of websites, and a few others. You won’t find that many masculine gay men on the ‘net, so that’s why I recommended getting out and becoming involved in activities that masculine gay men enjoy: hiking, camping, sports, and so forth. You may have to drive a while to another town to find a regular softball or volleyball league, attend a rodeo, or to hike with a group.

  • When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there.

    That is often true. That’s why I recommend looking elsewhere. It’s unfortunate, but there are not specific places that masculine gay men hang out. I wish it were that easy. Even at leather-oriented gay bars, there is quite a mix. I recommended in my original post to go to pubs, restaurants, or bars frequented by general society. Yeah: “straight bars.” Masculine gay men do not feel a need to hang out only with gay men, contrasted with more effeminate gay guys who tend to hang out with only gay people. Masculine guys are secure and self-confident. They enjoy friends regardless of sexual orientation. So if you choose to go to a bar, don’t go to a gay bar — go to a straight bar. Believe me, there are gay men there, too.

  • I’m afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy.

    Fallacy: ‘fake being straight’ means what? Lying. Hiding. Not good for the soul and not good for the psyche. Don’t fake anything. Be yourself. If you have masculine mannerisms, then you’re not ‘faking being straight.’ You are being who you are. I assure you that many masculine gay men look and act ‘straight’ because their behavior is what society has taught us about how straight people behave. How one carries himself in front of others has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the two issues are the same. They’re not.

  • The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I’m in denial, I just don’t want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time.

    I could probably make an entire blog post out of that line… in my opinion, social stereotyping is clouding objectivity. Okay, I don’t like Madonna either. My partner does. I don’t like Lady Gaga. My partner and some of my masculine gay friends do. So what? We just have different tastes. And the part about going shopping all the time? Gimme a break. I hate shopping, too. My partner, however, is good at it. Does he go shopping all the time? Nope… but when shopping has to be done, we divide the duties and he does the shopping and I go renovate a house. (Well, not specifically…) but where I’m going with this is that different men have different interests and if I initially judged my masculine “better half” (my partner) on the fact that he likes certain pop music and shopping, then I never would have developed a life-changing relationship with him and never would have taken that first step on the Bootprints of Our Journey.

    As they say, “opposites attract.” I’m not really saying that a gay frilly-froo-froo guy is the right choice for a guy looking for a masculine man, but I am saying that one should not make snap judgments based on stereotypes.

  • if I want a guy that acts girly then I’ll date a girl.

    Me too. ‘nuf said. If you want a masculine man, then go find one.

This was an interesting exercise to me. I’ll sum up by saying one very important thing: finding the right guy takes time. They won’t come flocking to your door or flood your email with proposals. You have to take the initiative to get out there and get involved in activities that other masculine gay men enjoy. Take your time. You’ll know it’s right when it happens. And it does… not fast, not overnight… but it does.

I also feel compelled to say that far too many gay men develop intimate relationships because they feel the need to do so. The bio-clock is ticking. The physical attributes change with age (weight, appearance, etc.) But just like in the straight world, you might get together with someone as a “settle for” and find out as time moves on that it’s not right, so you split and suffer consequences of a broken heart, damaged ego, and hurt feelings. Like a very close friend has had to do recently, he broke off a relationship because he figured out that it wasn’t right, and didn’t want to waste the other guy’s time or his own. He’s still looking, but is patiently confident. The point that I am trying to make is that one should take his time to develop a solid relationship and really get to know the other guy before moving in together, getting married, etc.

Life is short, but invest the time in finding what works for you.

Why Are Gay Men Insecure?

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Another question entered into a Google search and landed here on this blog. Good question, but bad presumption.

I’m here to say that not all gay men are insecure. The question could have been phrased better. Nonetheless, among the straight community, there is an assumption that all gay men are the same. They all act and behave the same. They like the same things, and hang out with the same type of people.

… none of those assumptions are correct. I can attest, being one….

There are as many different behavior traits among gay men as there are in the whole population. Some gay men are indeed insecure. They worry about what other people think of them. They worry about how they appear to others by what they say and what they choose to wear, among other factors.

Think about it: scientific studies affirm that being gay is not a choice, but most boys are raised with the expectation by their parents and society that they are heterosexual. But as boys mature and some of them are interested in others of the same sex, they worry about why they are “different.” Social stereotyping plays a big role in that. Boys are expected to act and to behave in masculine ways, so they adopt (or try to adopt) masculine mannerisms that are expected of them — and also to hide behind the mask of being a guy. (This is sometimes confused with “living in the closet” which is not the same thing, but related. A gay man who lives in the closet is not disclosing publicly his sexual orientation.) A gay man who puts on a facade of “acting straight” is doing that mostly because he believes that is the way he should behave and appear to others.

So back to the point: what makes some gay men insecure? In my opinion, mostly it is fear. Fear of “being outted.” Fear of reprisal from those they hold most dear — parents, family, and respected others in their lives (teachers, clergy, bosses at work, etc.)

What gets a gay man over his insecurities is to become comfortable with who he is. Like I have said about myself before, I’m a guy. I am also gay. I behave in a masculine manner because I’m a masculine man. I don’t like all things that society expects masculine men to like — such as sports. I don’t like sports because I was ridiculed by my early-year gym teachers because I’m a klutz and seriously deficient in athletic skills. Okay, so be it. Does that make me insecure?

I admit, it once did. I was afraid what other people would do or say about me.

Then I grew up. I realized that most educated people don’t give a flying frig about my sexual orientation. They were more concerned about me in ways that other people are evaluated: what I did for a living, how I carry myself among others, if I lived a decent life (measured in various ways from being financially responsible to being good to others.)

I don’t go around waving the rainbow flag and pushing the fact that I’m gay in other people’s faces. I know that most people aren’t gay and some are uncomfortable with even the thought of a same-sex relationship. Okay, fine. Their problem to resolve. I help them figure it out by being “me” and doing what I do in my work, my community, and my life, then they find out that I’m gay. By then, it’s a moot point. They have already figured out that I’m a normal guy living a decent life, who happens to live with another guy in a stable, monogamous relationship. So what?

The point that I am trying to make is that yes, indeed, some gay men are insecure, because society has taught them to fear acts and words from others who are not gay. Once they realize that the world won’t end and their life will continue as it always has, then they can feel more self-confident and therefore, more secure.

Life is short: be who you are, and be secure with that.

Defining Myself, As A Man

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I received an interesting email the other day from a guy who read my blog post titled, “Androphilia and the Gay Man.” In it, he described his personal thoughts and feelings about being interested in masculine men and not having an interest in femininity. He replied in a subsequent email message that he’s open to hearing more from other guys who feel similarly, so if you wish to communicate with him, let me know and I will forward your message to him.

What he described is something about which I have written a number of posts on this blog over time: I’m a guy-guy, and my best half is a guy-guy, and that’s the way I like it. That is, I am a man — a masculine man — and so is my partner. That’s the type of guy I like: a man who is strong, virile, confident, secure, and has a head on his shoulders. He manages money appropriately, and doesn’t spend what he doesn’t have. He can think for himself, act accordingly, and respect himself enough not to be careless in thought, word, or deed. He is my equal, not subservient nor domineering.

If I wanted an effeminate partner, I might have married a woman. Femininity is fine — for the female sex and some gay guys who prefer to behave that way. I just am not interested in femininity. Face it: I like men. Period. Nothin’ wrong with that. I am a healthy, masculine guy who prefers the same.

Some say that guys like me are wrong, mentally ill, or otherwise. Those who believe that rubbish continue to spread it. The vile hatred of homosexuality has become more subdued in its expressions over the last 50 years, but it is still there (notwithstanding the “religious wrong” zealots, but I forgive them for their sins, as they know not what they are talking about).

The snide, off-the-cuff comments about gay men are still heard. The silly comments that thoughtless, rude nitwits attempt to make on this blog or my YouTube channel continue to happen occasionally. I’m man enough to take it (and delete such comments since all comments in all of my public venues are screened before posting).

I hear expressions by men about women in settings such as over lunch with straight motorcycle riders, or how those guys express lusting for women or parts of their bodies — as if all men feel the same way (we don’t). I’m just used to it, though I still don’t like it. I’ve quit trying to correct the world, because there are better battles to fight than “open mouth, insert foot” antics by men who are supposed to be adults.

I assert that homosexual men who like masculine men are among the latest to “come out” and some never do. Often, they feel alone or that they’re the only ones to feel the way that they do. They see, as I have, the frilly gay guys who appear in Gay Pride Parades and on some TV shows where their “gayness” is parodied. They feel, as I have, that the stereotype of gay men — into fashion, home decorating, frolicking, and wine tastings — is all that there is.

It isn’t. Let me assure you, my partner and I are not the only gay couple of “equal men.” And there are masculine gay guys out there who for various reasons, are single. I know several of them, including some of my closest friends.

Each man defines himself in three ways: as others see him (or how he thinks others see him), by how he observes others behave that imply he should behave similarly (and if he doesn’t then something is ‘wrong’), and by how he acts both toward himself (self-respect) and toward others.

What defining oneself as a man all comes down to is self-perception. If one has a healthy self-perception as a secure, confident man, who also happens to be interested in other men who are the same way, then that’s sorta what begat this post in the first place: androphilia.

It is possible for a man’s man to have an equal, loving, and caring partner who is also a man’s man. My partner and I are living proof.

I define myself as a man, because I am. I do not define myself by my sexual orientation or by subtypes within the LGBT community. That is, I do not affiliate with labels such as “leatherman,” “daddy,” “bear,” or whatnot. There are so many labels. Who I am is who I am and I don’t waste time labeling what makes me who I am. I’m a man. My sisters are women. So what? The difference is our gender. (Thank goodness we do not have differences of opinion regarding acceptance of my sexual orientation. My family loves me for the man I am.)

Life is short: be who you are.

Androphilia and the Gay Man

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My partner and I recently watched the movie titled, “The Butch Factor.” The film was released in 2009 and just became available on Netflix, which we can view by streaming video at home. It was recommended to me by my friend Kevin.

This movie interviewed a number of masculine, homosexual men who behaved and engaged in rather rugged activities, sports, hobbies, and jobs, as well as contrasted some of these men’s opinions with two other gay men who were more effeminate in their nature.

We found the movie interesting and it sparked an excellent conversation, both right after it was over as well as on Sunday morning when we were snuggled closely watching the sunrise.

One of the interviewees was Jack Donovan (aka Jack Malebranche) who wrote a book titled, “Androphilia: A Manefesto” in 2007. This was the first time we had heard of this man and his book. While he had the shortest interview during the entire film, some of the points he made rang close to the thoughts that both my partner and I have: that we have a healthy male-male attraction, and that we reject some of the labels and stereotypes brought with the label “gay.”

We believe that the male-male relationship that we have is consistent with our own behavior and masculinity, which Donovan described as “androphilia.” That word is derived from the Greek, “Andro” (Man) and “philia” (Like). Donovan’s contention is that “gay” is:

…inseparable from connotations of effeminacy and “a whole cultural and a political movement that promotes anti-male feminism, victim mentality, and leftist politics.”

While I don’t agree about the swipe at “leftist politics,” I do generally agree that the label “gay” causes lots of negative thoughts (and actions) by the straight world. In particular, many (not all, but many) in the straight world have a common misconception that all gay men are frilly-froo-froo queens, and cannot look, act, or behave in a typical masculine manner. My partner and I, among several of those interviewed in this film, are here to disprove that notion. (And let me tell ‘ya, being a masculine man whose sexual orientation is male-male, I have encountered a number of times when straight guys are confused as heck by me. So be it, they need to learn that not all “gays” are the same.)

Kevin said to me, “I think he proposes that there is no gay archetype or identity for that matter and to attempt to build one’s self perception around something as basic as who one is sexually attracted to is limiting.” I absolutely agree, as does my partner.

The narrator in the movie said that “Androphilia” caused a lot of controversy in the “gay community” (however defined.) Perhaps gay people who read it didn’t like the opinion that “gay” is a label or “catch-all” phrase whereas people who are male and like other men do not all fit in one certain “catch-all” mold.

My partner and I never quite knew what to call ourselves, and generally used the term gay for lack of something else. Face it, we’re “homosexual” and a label by any other name is just as sweet (pardon the mixed metaphors.)

Life is short: continue to learn about yourselves.

Gay Men-Straight Men Friendships

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The other day, someone googled the phrase, “Gay Men – Straight Men Friendships” and it ended up on this blog. But I realized that I haven’t blogged much about those types of relationships.

Okay, so I am a gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with a man — my mate, partner, best half… etc. Most of my friends are straight — as is most of the world. What is my relationship with men in my world who are straight?

To be honest, it varies. Most guys I know are open-minded, and don’t consider my sexual orientation as a threat to their manhood. But some are wary, distant, puzzled, or just don’t want to deal with it. That description fits best about the guys who I ride motorcycles with. They’re fine if I’m out there riding, but they generally prefer not to socialize with me. Then again, I don’t socialize with them much, either. Not because I don’t like them, but because the social activities besides motorcycling that they do are not something I enjoy: going to a ball game, dancing, hanging out late at a restaurant or bar. All these things don’t interest me. They never have. And not because I’m gay, but because I never have enjoyed sports, dining, dancing, drinking alcohol to excess, etc. (Just ask my twin brother!)

In the on-line community, I have enjoyed hearing from a lot of guys, both gay and straight. They all express concern and camaraderie, and bring a smile to my face in knowing that they care. While most of my on-line contacts are gay, not all are. In fact, several of the guys I communicate with regularly are straight. Sexual orientation isn’t an issue to these guys who are secure in their own self-perception.

It really all comes down to how confident and secure people are. Men who are confident in themselves, their identity, and their sexual orientation don’t care if I am gay. They care about me as a person. One who can share information, fun, and camaraderie.

I can say that I have a lot of friends, many of whom I have known since childhood. They have known me all of their lives and the fact that I am gay is never an issue because they knew me before they knew my sexual orientation.

New people who I meet generally are friendly and we get along well. Then when they find out that I am gay, some don’t think a thing about it (or indicate that they do), and some will become more distant. I let them decide how to relate to me. I don’t push myself on them (or anyone.) It’s their decision as to what type of relationship to have with me.

Does it bother me that some men distance themselves from me once they find out that I am gay? Sure. I’m a sensitive guy. But I am also mature enough to realize that some guys just don’t want to develop a deeper relationship as a friend with a guy whose sexual orientation is opposite their own.

Further, I have to admit that what forms bonds of friendships is shared interests. Are you interested in boots and leather? We can talk for days, weeks, years. You want to know about websites, blogging, wikis, etc.? Let’s talk! How to repair and remodel a house? I got ‘ya covered. Shared history in going to school and growing up together? We’ve got lots to talk about.

But if you want to know who is competing in the Olympics, what teams are playing football or baseball, or what grammafronzit fits best in a motorcycle engine, then that leaves me out. I’m just not interested in those things. Interest in sports, engines, or activities like that is not a gay/straight matter. There are a lot of gay guys who are very interested in sports, who build bikes, or fix up cars. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Issues about shared interests is what begins the development of a friendship, and builds those bonds for a durable period of time. If we aren’t interested in the same things, then we don’t have much to talk about, do we? That has nothing to do with being gay or straight as it has to do with what we can do and talk about together.

I look at who I call my “closest” friends. Two (one straight male and one straight female) from my childhood; my very close friends met through on-line activities: AZ, Clay, Kevin, and Bama — three gay and one straight. My senior pals — almost too numerous to count — and all straight. They are close because of what we have done and shared together, and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

I am a confident, secure, masculine gay man. I am well connected in my community and in my profession. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, I can live with it. I do… all the time. It’s natural, and I no longer get upset if someone doesn’t seem to want to reach out and build a closer relationship. That will happen with some people, and not with others.

Life is short: know who you are, and be happy with that. Have friends who care about you, and show you care for them.