Category Archives: Gay Issues

Do Insecure Guys Turn Gay?

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I thought I had seen everything, but perhaps not. Another question entered into a search engine, “do insecure guys turn gay?” landed on this blog for my post titled, Why Are Gay Men Insecure? (which was a deliberately misleading title.)

Oh cripes… short answer: NO! Insecure guys cannot “turn gay!” Longer answer…

This is bullshit stereotyping. Some men are insecure, and perhaps they display characteristics that some people confuse with outwardly visible characteristics of some (not all, but some) gay men. Some of the observed behaviors may include being overly accommodating, overly selfish, and having low self-esteem.

Someone who is overly accommodating attempts to gain the approval of other people by bending over backwards for them. He goes out of his way to do things for other people he admires and from whom he wants approval. There is a fine line here — it’s perfectly normal to try to help someone out, but there is a limit when accommodating others jeopardizes one’s self-esteem and imposes incredible demands on a guy’s time, talents, and resources.

Someone who is overly selfish attempts to find security by surrounding himself with possessions, accolades, and attention. Getting approval from others is paramount. That is why an insecure guy tends to obsess about what he wears — so as to obtain approval from others he admires. That’s also why some insecure guys buy expensive yuppie-mobiles, for example, or play “keep up with the Joneses” by buying the latest techie gadget.

These characteristics, in my opinion, come down to one’s self-perception. If a guy has low self-esteem, then he fears how he appears and comes across to others. He is uncomfortable in his own skin. He does things to try to improve his feelings and self-described situation by behaving in ways that others may label as being insecure.

Self-assurance, that is, the reduction of insecurity, comes with maturity. Maturity is not necessarily a function of age. I know some very mature young men, and some immature old men.

The notion I am here to disabuse is what some straight people think: “Gay = Insecure,” so in the reverse (for purposes of this blog post), the perception is that “Insecure = Gay.” This is not true.

Some men are insecure. Not all of them are gay. Heck, there are a large number of insecure straight men in this world — I see them every day in what I do for a living as well as what I do in my community. Okay, they will eventually learn (I hope so, anyway), that one of the greatest challenges we face in our lifetimes is becoming comfortable in our own skin. A person who is secure with himself is much more likely to achieve success, have meaningful relationships, and be respected by others.

Some men are gay. One is born gay — he can’t “turn gay” by having insecurities, or fears about perceptions from others. In fact, I contend that a gay man who becomes comfortable with himself displays fewer characteristics of insecurity than a gay guy who is still in the closet. When a gay man withholds disclosure of his sexual orientation from others (for various reasons), he may be afraid of “being outted” by others, and that fear manifests itself in displays of behaviors labeled as insecurity.

To summarize — no, insecure guys cannot “turn gay.” One is or is not gay to begin with at birth. It is how he acts and behaves that cause others to judge him, and mix up false perceptions based on stereotype with a guy’s sexual orientation.

Life is short: be who you are; your confidence reduces feelings of insecurity.

Disclaimer: I have a doctorate in sociology; sometimes I get rather academic in sharing my observations.

Conversation Topics for Gay and Straight Guys

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Somehow a search for “conversation topics for gay and straight guys” directed a visitor to this blog.

In case you are a new reader of this blog, or just stumbled upon it, I am a middle-aged gay man in a monogamous relationship with another man, and have been so settled for over 18 years. I consider myself to be a regular masculine man, with various likes and dislikes — like anyone else.

The topic is interesting to me on several levels.

The majority of people with whom I communicate regularly are straight — where I work, where I serve my community as a volunteer, and in the group with whom I ride my motorcycle. Besides my partner and few friends, I don’t know any other gay people, and do not go to social functions focused solely on the basis of gay people being there. I feel that as a confident and secure, mature man, I don’t need to socialize only with gay people. In fact, I enjoy socializing with a mixed group better than a “gay-only” group.

When I have a conversation with straight people, I talk about common interests. I have a wide variety of interests, and talk about things I enjoy doing or learning about with others. I join the conversation when I have something to add, and shut up when I don’t.

I avoid joining conversations about sports, because I don’t know anything about organized sports. Frankly, I don’t care. When straight people (or gay people, for that matter) take the conversation into sports, I just smile and listen. I am attentive, so the others know that I care enough to listen to what they have to say. What they don’t know is that soon after the conversation has ended, I have forgotten its content.

I believe that conversation topics for gay and straight guys is exactly the same as they are between any guys without regard to sexual orientation. Someone being gay only becomes an issue if one makes it that way. Just be yourself, and talk about things where you have common interests.

If you are not sure where you may have common ground, ask some questions to get the conversation going, such as,
* where do you live?
* what are your hobbies?
* what do you do for a living?
* Have you traveled much? To where? What was your favorite place and why? Least favorite place and why?
* If you haven’t traveled much, where would you like to visit?
* What’s your favorite season?
* What are your favorite foods?
* What are your favorite local restaurants?
* What are your favorite TV shows? Movies? Books? Characters?
* Where did you go to school?

These are general, open-ended questions design to get a conversation going. Most anyone can find things to talk about among these topics. Note that there are not any questions that may introduce sexual orientation into the mix. For example, no question about someone else’s spouse or children like, “are you married?” or “how many kids do you have?” Asking someone about his spouse or children inevitably invites a return question about yourself which if answered honestly makes it clear that you’re gay. Coming out (as gay) to someone you have just met can make for awkward moments and may kill a conversation. So steer the conversation into neutral territory, at first.

I am not advocating hiding in the closet (that is, not disclosing your sexual orientation.) I am only saying that your sexual orientation should not be the first topic of conversation, or a central focus.

In summary, my recommendation for conversation topics between gay and straight men are the things that you share in common — where you work, who you know (mutual friends), and what you do (religious activities, recreation, sports, affiliation with groups or clubs, etc.) There usually are plenty of things to talk about, if only you give it a try.

Life is short: relax and enjoy the conversation.

Cities with the Most Masculine Gay Men

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This was an interesting search that landed a visitor from South Carolina on this blog, “Cities with the most masculine gay men.”

I do not know if any city in the United States, or the world for that matter, has more masculine gay men in it than any other. Honestly, I do not think masculine gay men use sexual orientation and masculine behavior preference to choose the location where they will live.

Study after study shows that people choose to live in places with which they are familiar, such as where they grew up, went to school, and/or have family. In my case, it’s all three (I live where I grew up and near where I went to school, including my undergraduate university. It’s also great to have family nearby, too.)

While some people relocate to a new town for a job or an adventure, demographic studies show that most people choose the familiar, though economics causes people to choose places to live where they can find a job. For example, I have a fondness for a small town in Oklahoma where I spent a lot of time as a kid and where my mother’s family is from, but the place is dead — no jobs to speak of on my level of expectations and experience. I wouldn’t live there.

I know some gay men choose to live in states or cities within those states that are gay-friendly, or at least “gay-tolerant.” As I have mentioned before on this blog, there are some U.S. states that are downright hateful toward same-sex couples, such as my neighboring state of Virginia. But the choice of where a gay person will live has nothing to do with masculinity. It has to do with his interest in living openly among his neighbors and not having state laws discriminate against him (and his partner if he’s in such a relationship) compared with states like Virginia that have many laws that directly discriminate against gay people.

Recognizing that masculine gay men have the same responsibilities as any other man, gay or straight — then he may choose out of necessity to live closer to parents or elder loved-ones — because he has become the primary caregiver. So many adult children these days are making difficult choices about where they live so they can be closer to aging relatives in order to care for them. This is another reason, therefore, that masculine gay men may be living anywhere — choices made by other factors important to him and his values.

I have said before that masculine gay men are secure in themselves that they do not feel a need to associate in “gay-only” social circles. They have a lot of straight friends and they engage in activities with a mixed crowd — playing or watching sports, riding motorcycles, hunting, fishing, attending birthday parties or other social functions.

Because of that, you will not see many masculine gay men at traditional “gay hangouts,” such as gay restaurants and bars found in the major cities. Most masculine gay men are not interested in going to those places, because (if they’re like me), they prefer to mix with a wider circle whose friendships are based on common interests, not sexual orientation. If he does go to a restaurant or bar, you’ll more likely find him at the neighborhood sports pub than downtown in the city gay bar.

I do not think any particular city or town is more or less attractive to a masculine gay man than any other. He will choose where to live based on other, more important needs — availability of affordable housing; proximity to work, family, and friends; and activities that are interesting to him to do.

These days, as well, I should recognize that the working world is changing rapidly. There are many jobs that are “relocatable” or can be done from any location that has access to the Internet. I know of several masculine gay men who have chosen to live in rural areas, avoiding city life altogether. It’s a choice made more available today and will be more the norm in the future.

Life is short: masculine gay men live everywhere. Read this post for more about masculine gay men.

What Masculine Gay Men Find Attractive

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A search appeared on my blog reading (sic): what masculine gay men find attractive?”

I found that very interesting, and a different take on the usual search for where to find masculine gay men.

So, as a masculine gay man, let me describe what I find attractive in a masculine gay man:

  • He is secure, confident, and comfortable in his own skin. He doesn’t worry about what other people think or may say about what he wears or what he does.
  • He doesn’t worry about the latest fashion or what’s in style. He wears what’s functional and what works for him, based on where he is going and what he is doing. Anything from a business suit to blue jeans, from sneakers to boots (and he doesn’t wear sandals or flip-flops).
  • He communicates well, but doesn’t try to be the center of the universe or the conversation. That is, an attractive masculine gay man does not have a “need” to be an alpha male, or an “A-Gay”. He deliberately avoids those roles.
  • Physical characteristics that are attractive to other men vary. Some like guys with facial hair, and some do not. Guys who are fit and trim are more attractive to others, as well. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but an attractive masculine man will have physical characteristics that work for him, and with which he is comfortable.
  • Many masculine gay men have said that they are attracted to other masculine gay men who do not feel as if they must socialize only with gay men. Masculine gay men prefer to socialize with the wider world.
  • Masculine gay men are capable, active, and “do-ers.” They can do various things from repairing a car, riding a motorcycle, or playing sports, to activities like watching the game with the guys, being a good uncle, or to volunteering at a community organization or church.

Masculine characteristics vary, just as people vary. Some guys have more observable physical characteristics of “maleness” than others. A masculine man is secure and confident, capable, active, and independent. A masculine gay man behaves that way as well. What masculine gay men find attractive, therefore, is someone who behaves like he does.

BTW, I am deliberately leaving out much of the stereotyping of gay men in general. Let’s suffice it to say that all gay men are not the same. Some behave in a more effeminate manner while others do not. Just like in the straight world: women are different. Not all guys like all women. Same is true in the gay world: gay men are different. Not all gay guys like all other gay guys. Our world is that much better for the variances of the diversity of our population.

Life is short: remember that everyone is different, and some characteristics that some people display are more attractive to some people than others.

Can A Masculine Man Be Gay?

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Yep, it continues — the ongoing queries entered into search engines about masculine men and sexual orientation. Here is one of the latest searches:

This is yet a different twist on the age-old question that directs many visitors to this blog. “Can a masculine man “still” be gay?”

Simple answer is, “yes.” Masculine traits vary for each man. Some men are hyper-masculine — some have a very deep voice, lots of facial hair, are muscular, and walk with a kind of a swagger. There are other types of masculine men who do not display all of the most obvious (and perhaps “looked-for”) masculine behaviors. What I am saying is, it is a range.

Gay men display various behaviors that range from a few on the hyper-masculine end of the scale to a few on the hyper-effeminate end of the scale, with the scale “tilted” if you will toward gay men being a bit more effeminate than masculine in their behavior. But most gay guys are in the middle, displaying both characteristics of a masculine man as well as some softer behaviors which some people might characterize as being effeminate.

Trouble is, many television shows that include gay characters have those characters display the most “queeny,” effeminate behaviors. So the media causes many people to believe that all gay men are frilly-froo-froo effeminate queens.

That’s not the case. Just as there are gay men who are effeminate, there are gay men who look, act, and behave like any other guy. However, you won’t see him making out with a woman, enjoying himself at a (straight) strip club, or oogling women on the street. But you may indeed see him at a local sports bar cheering on the local team, or playing sports himself in a recreational league, or riding a motorcycle, sailing a boat, chasing children on a playground (e.g., being an uncle), or a zillion other things that guys do.

So the answer to this query again remains, “yes, a masculine man can be gay.” The thing is, he’s probably very good at hiding his sexual orientation.

For more on this topic, see some past posts on this blog.

Life is short: be who you are.

How Do Gay Guys Wear Their Boots?

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You can verify it for yourself — someone from Houston, Texas, used his Android to search, “how do gay guys wear their boots?

Really?

I guess his smart phone is smarter than he is, because it directed him to two entries on this blog. The searcher spent almost 20 minutes on this blog, looking at only two posts (here and here). Hmmmm…

But these were not the posts that address the question, in my opinion. This one or this one would have been better.

Anyway, back to the question: How do gay guys wear their boots?

…on their feet like anyone else.

Sheesh. There are two ways one can look at this question:

1. A guy who is gay and on the “bubble,” that is, he’s not ready to come out yet, so he is wondering if how he wears boots may give away his sexual orientation. That’s bullshit — all guys wear boots the same way. Boot-wearing has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Contrary to stereotypes, gay men who wear boots do not prance around on their tip-toes.

2. The question was entered by another homophobe who in some idiotic way thinks that gay guys wear boots differently from anyone else. I shall refrain from making remarks about the origin of the query or the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the person asking such a question if it were asked with this intent. If he thinks for a moment that gay guys wear boots differently from anyone else, he has been indoctrinated too long by the culture in which he has been exposed all his life. So sad.

Life is short: give benefit of the doubt, but do not suffer fools; if they are old enough to have an Android phone and pay for it’s monthly ransom, they are old enough to be better educated.

Is It Hard for a Gay Guy to be Straight?

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This question, worded exactly as written, “Is it hard for a gay guy to be straight?” was entered into a search engine and landed on this blog.

I have written many posts over time about being gay, yet behaving in a masculine manner which some gay men call “acting straight.”  I am not an actor. I behave the way I do because that’s who I am.  I know there are some gay men who “butch up” on occasion — to act “more straight” in certain situations.  I am not like those guys. I am who I am.

Meanwhile, back to the question — my answer is, “yes, it’s damn hard — impossible — for a gay guy to ‘be’ straight.”   If you’re gay, you’re gay — homosexual — attracted to the same sex.  If you’re straight, then you are heterosexual and attracted to the opposite sex. 

Contrary to what some Bible-thumping wackos affiliated with some fringe groups think or say, it is not possible for a guy who is truly homosexual to be or become straight.  Just doesn’t work.  Won’t happen.  Expose the gay guy to fringe-wacko therapy to try to convince him not to “be” gay, and likely the gay guy will be ripe for long-term therapy to recover from such exposure and to regain his sanity.  Seriously — it’s that bad, and that detrimental.

But perhaps that is not what the writer of the question was asking.  Perhaps he was asking, “is it hard for a gay guy to ‘act’ straight?”  In that case, it’s different.  For some of us (gay men), it is not difficult to behave like straight guys do, because that is how we are and how we are wired.  But for the gay man who is effeminate, it will likely be harder for him to behave in a masculine manner.  I won’t delve into stereotypes. Let me just say that I know some gay guys who could pull it off and some who could not.  We’re all different. 

But let me reaffirm my understanding from science that if a guy is gay, he was born that way.  He did not “choose a lifestyle.”  Heck, when did you “choose to be straight?”  It just doesn’t work that way.  You’re gay, you’re gay.  You’re straight, you’re straight.  So be it.  How you behave is often what others use to judge whether you are (or are not) gay.  It’s sad that people make these judgments, but they do.

My advice:  be who you are; be comfortable in your own skin; keep thinking that you are a valuable person and other people’s opinions of your behavior are their problem, not yours.  I know that is hard to accept by some people, but let me affirm:  once you achieve this level of self-awareness, then a “whole new you” is revealed. For me, it was a man who was confident, self-assured, and calm. 

Final thought on the question — is it hard for a gay guy to “be” straight?  Yes.  It is hard for a gay man to “be” comfortable with himself if he continues to live in the closet and hide his sexual identity from himself, his family, and his friends.  I know there are reasons why gay men do that, which have a lot to do with keeping a job in many cases and self-preservation in others.

But it is far more difficult for a gay guy to “be” something he is not. 

Life is short:  be who you are.

Is It Gay to Wear Boots Without Jeans?

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Here we go again: someone searched, “is it gay to wear boots without jeans?”

Hmmm… this could be taken a number of ways. Possibilities:

1. Ignorant child who uses the term “gay” to mean “lame”. Answer: no, it is not lame to wear boots with other types of clothing, such as breeches (ask a cop), khaki or other “dress casual” pants for work (ask an office worker in the summer), BDUs (ask anyone in the military), or leather (ask a biker.)

2. You are homophobic, and are afraid that someone else might call you “gay” because you may choose to wear boots with different types of pants (such as listed in #1). Answer: there isn’t much I can do for your troubled soul other than to pray that you will grow up some day.

3. You might be considering wearing boots with no other clothing. Answer: please don’t. I don’t want to see you naked in boots any more than you want to see me that way.

Life is short: wear boots with pants (including jeans, khakis, suits, breeches, BDUs… you get the point. Anything but your bare butt and you’ll be fine.)

Gay and Lonely?

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Someone left a comment on my blog piece titled, “Is It Hard for Gay Men to Socialize with Straight Men?” where he said, “I know exactly what you mean and I personally have trouble making friends because I’m so uncomfortable or uninterested. It’s a thin line I guess. I don’t have any friends.”

Oh man, that’s sad. What I was trying to say in my blog piece is that it is hard, but not impossible, for a gay man to make friends — good friends — with straight guys. It takes three things: 1) a straight guy who is secure and open-minded enough to accept that his friend is gay; 2) the gay guy not having sexual interest in his straight friend; and 3) having something in common that they share.

I am a happy, confident, secure gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with one man. I like other guys — for who they are and what we share in common interests — but not in a sexual manner.

I am fortunate that I live in the same area where I grew up. I have a number of friends who I have known since I was a child. I still see them regularly. I also have friends who I have met as an adult through various community activities. We help each other out — I help them with home repairs, ride motorcycles together, engage local elected officials about community issues important to the residents where we live, and even helping to coach some of my friends in dealing with their parents developing dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease. I’ve been through that with my lovely aunt and know how rough it can be to be a caregiver.

I never said that making new (straight) friends was easy, but as this website points out, a gay man who wants to make friends should get involved in activities where he shares common interests, and can use his talents for a cause or the greater good.

So what if you don’t like sports and can’t hit a ball or catch one? There are a lot of other things you can do! Get out, meet people, share your skills, and learn new things. You don’t have to have only gay friends. Like the person who left the comment implied, he doesn’t have any friends because he is uncomfortable and disinterested in things that other guys may be interested in.

There are many, many ways to overcome lonliness as a gay man. But you have to take the step of getting involved in the straight world. Face it, there are many more straight people around than gay people. I have felt that having “only” gay friends is unhealthy because you get stuck with a singular world-view. You need to expand your horizons and do things that you enjoy together with other people (gay or straight) who enjoy those things, too.

An interesting side-note: in the three-plus years that I have been blogging, I have been contacted by and have developed good on-line friendships with more straight guys than gay guys. These guys learn pretty quickly that we have common interests — boots, leather, motorcycling, caregiving, community activism — and also learn by my style of communicating that I am interested in them as a person, and that’s it.

Life is short: you are only as lonely as you allow yourself to be.