Partner, Husband, Spouse?

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I refer to the man of my life as my partner. We met on April 25, 1993, and began dating, seeing each other on weekends, then more often. We traveled within the U.S. where I brought him to states he had not previously visited before — twice long-haul on my Harley, two-up, saddlebags full of clothing. We traveled to Australia, New Zealand, and Europe together, including a wonderful (to me) and scary (to him) motorcycle trip on the windy roads of the Almafi Coast of Italy, and a very scenic trip on the Romantic Road in Bavaria, Germany.

Then he worked with me as I purchased an old farm that was to be developed, and I built it out while turning gray in the process. We built our dream house on one of the lots. This is our home where we have built our life, and plan to live here ’til we can’t climb stairs any more.

I think of him as my “best half,” which is a better reference than “other half.” And certainly a better reference than “boyfriend” which is far too casual. He is, to me, my heart, soul, and very essence of being. My soulmate, best friend, treasure, listener, cuddler, lover… all these words that function more than just as labels. He means the world to me.

We know gay men who have married in states where it is legal to do so in the United States, and some gay men where it is legal to do so in their respective countries. The state where we live isn’t “there yet” but may be… eventually.

For now, I refer to him as my partner. But that sounds so business-like. He is for all intents and purposes my spouse. But I have this funny feeling about calling him a husband should we marry some day when/if our state makes it legal to recognize a civil marriage ceremony and afford us the recognition and status that man/woman marriages provide, with all the rights and responsibilities thereto pertaining.

Funny, the other day, someone did a search on this blog for the word “wife.” As if I had one. The only thing that comes up in that search is references to my twin brother’s spouse — his wife. Sorry fellas who may think something-or-other, I have not had and never intend to have a marriage to a female and thus have a wife.

My partner is definitely a masculine man. He is everything a man could be, and more so. What a blessing it is to have him, to love him, and to call him my own. Calling him my spouse will be wonderful… someday.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

My Bro’, the Biker

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This is just a happy little note to congratulate, publicly, my former friend, AZ, for successfully completing the Motorcycle Safety Foundation Basic RiderCourseSM and passing with the highest score in his class.

I am a strong supporter of taking motorcycle riding courses, even for the experienced rider. There are always good pointers to learn, as well as information that one may not have known. The MSF courses are excellent, and come highly recommended!

Congrats! Keep the rubber side down and your sunny side up!

UPDATE: I spoke with AZ on the phone this morning, and he told me that he got the motorcycle endorsement on his driver’s license! Woo-hoo! All legal!

Life is short: share joy for others.Note: this photo was taken in February, 2009, when I rented a Harley and AZ joined me as a passenger for a ride to Sedona. We both wore DOT-approved helmets, even though Arizona does not have a helmet law. We believe in wearing proper protective gear, including sturdy motorcycle boots, each and every time we ride.

Cuffed

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This is a really cool, stylish, and exceptionally well-made wrist cuff that I just received. My partner also received one. When he’s feeling better, we both will “model” our cuffs together.

The wrist cuff is made by Eastern Oregon Leather Factory. The guy who owns the business and makes this gear is obviously very talented.

I received an email from the company owner last week, asking for permission to reprint a portion of my Complete Guide to Leather Gear which appears on my website. I responded, giving my permission. Now part of my Guide appears on the Eastern Oregon Leather Factory’s Website, here. I appreciate that he asked me, and honored my copyright. I am happy to share if I am asked. I commend the owner for doing the right thing and for his honesty.

Hey, leatherguys, or someone looking for something different, hand-made, and special. You should check out the products available from Eastern Oregon Leather Factory and get something. Great watchbands, cuffs, and bracelets, with more to come, I’m sure. The prices are very reasonable.

My partner and I are now the “best cuffed men” here in Maryland! (Smile — go tell that to my bike cop tenant. He will have a big laugh out of that!)

Life is short: share your work and enjoy the recognition of being published!

Why Not Mid-Atlantic Leather?

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Grey Black LeatherIt is time for the annual rites of leather passage, the second-largest U.S. gathering of The Great Leather Clan, at the gay men’s (and a few women) cowhide convention called “Mid Atlantic Leather” or for short, MAL. It is held in downtown Washington, DC, over the weekend of Martin Luther King’s Birthday Holiday. This year, January 15 – 18.

One would think that with the interest and vast assortment of leather gear that I have, including some just for fetish wear, that I would be anxious to attend MAL. It is in my hometown and the weather forecast is decent. It would not require all the expense and hassles of flying anywhere. As financially frugal as I am, that’s a good thing 🙂

I would like to see some people I know and meet some men with whom I have communicated by email. I have received a few invitations by email to meet some fellow Boot Brothers for dinner one night during MAL or a meal on Monday morning before they leave for their respective homes.

Regretfully, my partner’s disability has flared up severely. He is in a lot of pain and is immobile. His pain has grown worse over the last week, and he is in no shape to get around anywhere. I don’t go to events like MAL without him, so if he can’t go, I won’t go. My primary job will be to take care of him until he is back on his feet and able to walk.

Further, the problem with an event in your own hometown is that your own life doesn’t stop. I have a number of commitments over the weekend that are unavoidable. Plus, I have to admit, I hate trying to get around DC. It is hard to find a place to park, and now that they charge an arm, leg, and your first-born to park on the street, I don’t want to deal with it. (Public transit is not an option because it is too far away from MAL event locations for my partner to be able to walk to.)

My partner and I have enjoyed “guy watching” at MAL in years past. Some of the behavior I have seen at these gatherings of the Cowhide Clan are amusing. Many guys follow each other like lemmings, flitting hither-and-yon to the fetishwear expo, the events, and other non-published get-togethers. Many are texting and calling each other on their mobile devices. (I probably wouldn’t be allowed into MAL any more because I have no desire to carry a personal cell phone in a holster on my belt.)

One year, I took some focused-on-boots video of guys walking around the lobby of the host hotel, and received the most amusing rant from a closet queen demanding that I take the video off my YouTube channel. Sad but true, there are a lot of once-a-year leather dudes who go to MAL. But then again, it is a time of freedom to butch up in leather and be with other guys who share the same interest. I get it. I felt that way when I was younger, too. There is sort of a fantasy thrill to being decked out in leather from head to boot around all those guys in leather gear and sundry fetishwear.

Most guys are interesting to talk to, and have backgrounds and stories to which I have enjoyed listening. I could possibly visit the Hotboots party on Saturday afternoon (2-4pm, Green Lantern Bar), or afterwords sit out in the smokin’ tent and have a good discussion. I have done that for many years, and it’s been an enjoyable way to spend some time.

But… as I said above, I live with a man whom I love tremendously, and with whom I share a monogamous relationship, but who is having severe physical difficulties right now. My focus must be on him.

Life is short: have fun on the edge of leatherdom.

Like Your Boots Snug?

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I was exchanging email with someone who was asking me about being fitted for Wesco boots. Owning a number of pairs of Wescos, I have some experience that I was happy to share.

During our email exchange, he mentioned that he wanted his boots to be very snug (close) against his legs. He mentioned that with lace-up boots, it is easy to adjust the fit so they boots would be tight. Since he was considering ordering pull-on boots (like the Wesco Boss or Harness boots), he said that he thought having the boots lined with leather might make them more snug against his legs.

There are several things that I mentioned in reply, such as you will save a LOT of money ordering custom Wesco boots through a third-party retailer rather than the manufacturer.

I also described the “unfortunate” thing that happens to your legs as you age. I hate to say it, but as you get older, your legs will become wider and you may develop problems like vericose veins. Even if you work out regularly, your calf muscles begin to lose tone and expand. Just a little bit each year, and overall they don’t get too big, but by your late 40s or 50s, your legs will probably be 1 to 1-1/2″ wider in circumference than they were at age 30.

If you like “snug” boots and fit yourself snugly by providing very accurate but close measurements of your calf circumference in your Wesco order, you will find that your boots will outlive your ability to wear them. Eventually, your legs will get wider and you just won’t be able to squeeze them on. Your huge investment now will be rendered useless to you, and either you may not wear the boots any more or sell them and be lucky to get half of what you paid for them originally. (Believe me, I’ve “been there, done that.”)

My recommendation: even though Wesco doesn’t recommend it, I suggest adding 1/2″ to 1″ to your calf measurement on the custom sizing form. (The main reason in my opinion as to why Wesco doesn’t recommend adding to your calf width measurement is that they know that legs get bigger over time, and that snug boots now will become non-fitting boots later. Thus, Wesco may get another sale later on when your boots don’t fit you any more.)

Another thing to know about is a major and frequently overlooked (or not thought-about) matter: as you age, your become susceptible to DVT — deep vein thrombosis. This is where a clot forms in a vein in your leg due to poor circulation. The clot could break free and end up in the brain, causing a stroke, or in the heart, causing cardiac arrest. it’s very serious, and happens more often than people realize. It could happen to anyone, but those who smoke cigarettes or take medications that affect blood circulation (such as pain killers, blood pressure, or certain asthma drugs), are more at risk.

When you wear boots snugly on your legs, you are significantly increasing the “odds” of getting a clot, even at a younger age, because snug boots will reduce blood circulation in the legs and feet. When you take your boots off – BAM! A stroke! I know someone who was 41 years old and had this happen. It wasn’t pretty.

My personal recommendation is to get boots that allow room around your legs so they are not squeezed. Consider if you will be wearing leather breeches or jeans tucked inside the boots.

So be careful and cautious before choosing to make your boots snug tightly on your legs. Just a word of warning, in case you didn’t know.

Life’s Ultimate Final Exam

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I posted on this blog that the woman who served as my very first mentor had died on Christmas Eve. She took me under her wing when I was a 17-year-old deer-in-the-headlights, freshly-minted volunteer for a non-profit organization. She taught me more than I can relate here, or for that matter, more than you would ever want to read. This woman was 41 years older than me. In many respects, she was like another mother. But different from that. I’d say that at first she was a teacher, then she became a listener, she served as a helper, a guide, a leader … but most of all, a true friend. Together we formed a close bond of friendship that endured ’til the end of her life.

Yesterday, I had both the honor and the fear of serving as the person to give the eulogy at my dear friend’s memorial service. (Note, this is a different friend from the gentleman about whom I blogged on Friday. It is regretful that several deaths of people I have known and loved have happened recently).

One thing I want to bring up here on this blog, which I mentioned during my eulogy, was why I am smiling, why I talk about being positive, and why I look at the bright side of life. It was my dear friend who taught me that. She had setbacks and adversity to deal with. In her later years, she was in pain and medical problems were rather severe. But not once did she complain. She always, always, always had a cheery disposition and nice things to say. I try to follow the example that she left for me: look at the bright side of life, and make lemonade when life serves you lemons. What an enduring lesson that I hope beyond measure that I have adopted in my day-to-day life.

Rather than bore you with my ten minutes of eulogy content about someone you don’t know, let me affirm what comes from my faith. This is a spiritual faith, not a religious one.

I believe in the circle of life. You are born not knowing anything or anyone. You develop relationships with people, and you learn (provided the adults in your life nurture you well). You grow up, perhaps have a family, and do productive things. Hopefully, you care for others and help improve your world in some way or another. With any luck, you have taken time to have some fun along the way, too. You retire, but don’t stop working. It just changes the schedule of your work. Then you die. If things went well during your lifetime, you have taught and influenced others who will continue to make your works carry forward into the future. Thus: the circle of life. (Purely my own statement and thoughts, not “borrowed” from elsewhere on the Internet.)

Look back and ask some tough questions:

  • Did I make a difference?
  • Will anyone be able to say what I have done?
  • Did I leave a smile on other people’s faces?
  • Do those whom I loved know that I loved them?

To me, these are the questions for the ultimate final exam.

And I can say that while I am not perfect and have much to learn, that my faith — and striving that the answers to these questions be affirmative about me — is what drives me to love, to care, to extend a helping hand, to serve the community, to share smiles and joy, and overall: show those whom I love that I love them. Not just say or talk about it, but do it.

My wonderful friend did those things for me and countless others, each and every day that I knew her. That is what I said in my eulogy — how the circle of life goes around, and how my friend passed the ultimate final exam with a 1000% score.

And this is what my partner does for me, too. He helps me be positive, bright, and forward-looking. His caring love, deep concern, and strong support enables me to remain happy, positive, and keep a smile on my face. I surround myself with happy people, and smart ones, too, because they keep me strong and they will be the ones to answer those questions about me on that final exam.

Life is short: live it fully, love it completely, and by all means, show those whom you love that you love them.

Typical Saturday

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Yesterday was a typical Saturday for me. Here’s the run-down:

Stayed in bed way past our usual time to rise. While we both awoke at our usual 5-ish, I snuggled longer with my honey ’cause it was so friggin’ cold out. We just felt cold and didn’t want to get out of bed. Finally crawled out of bed at 6:30. What’s the world coming to?

Pulled on my naked leather jeans, flannel shirt, and Chippewa Firefighter boots. Got the daily paper from the drive and began scanning it. My partner pulled out the coupon sections and began cutting away. He’s a whiz when it comes to matching cents-off coupons with weekly specials so we save more on groceries we buy.

Prepared breakfast of home-made waffles, bacon, and OJ for me; added grapefruit and fruit juice for my partner. Quickly mixed a bundt cake to deliver later and got it in the oven. Signed 10 birthday cards for senior buds and two family members whose birthdays are coming up this next week. (The cards were already pre-addressed and stamped. It takes me a full day, but I prepare about 200 cards a year in advance and put them in a weekly organizer.)

By 8, I got on-line, paid some bills, caught up on email, updated a website for a political candidate who I am supporting, and reviewed some preliminary development plans for a project on which I am testifying in the coming week. My partner changed the linens and started doing laundry. Our division of labor: he does the laundry and I do the cooking.

At 10, I drove to the nearby retirement community to check on my aunt and some other senior friends. Delivered the cake to one of them. She has been feeling especially lonely since her family moved away. Paid my aunt’s bills, including her quarterly estimated taxes. Replaced a faulty light switch for one of my friends, and reset the remote on a TV for another. Got the quarterly tax payments for five others prepared and ready to mail. Visited and shared with these cherished members of my senior crew.

At noon, I went back home and picked up my partner for the joyful experience of weekly grocery shopping (smile). Had a short chat with a couple of constituents at the store. Came home, put stuff away, and then my partner and I went to a fixer-upper foreclosure house that I bought earlier this week to review what cleanup was required and start organizing our “attack plan” for required renovations.

By 3pm, we returned home. I got the mail and recycled about three trees. I began to do some batch cooking. I like to prepare tomato sauce, soups, stew, and pasta when I have some time. These things keep well refrigerated or frozen, so when I have less time during the week in the window between arriving home and rushing off to an evening meeting, we can still enjoy a home-cooked meal.

I spoke with some siblings and checked on some of my senior crew by phone throughout the pasta-making time. My partner is accustomed to my multi-tasking. You can’t see him in the photo, but he is right with me helping me make the ravioli.

At 6pm, as usual, we had dinner. TV and phone turned off. We always enjoy an uninterrupted evening meal. I prepared a light salad with crab, which we enjoyed with some bread — did I say I made that, too? Yeah, I bake a loaf of bread once or twice a week. Much healthier and less expensive that way.

After dinner, my partner and I jarred the sauce, stew, and washed the pots and pans, dried them, and put them away.

By 7:30pm, I was pooped. We retired to our basement. My partner turned on his usual blather recorded on Tivo, while I caught up more on the computer. I have to give a eulogy on Sunday for my first mentor who died on Christmas Eve, and worked quite a bit on preparing for that.

At 9pm, I printed out the eulogy I had written and read it to my partner aloud. He gave me some pointers, which I sat down and incorporated. By 9:30, we were in bed. I have a big day — an emotional one — on Sunday.

So that’s a rather typical Saturday for us. Hope you enjoyed the “tour.”

Life is short: wear boots and leather while enjoying it!

Going Grey

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: leather doesn’t always have to be black.

I received my delayed Christmas present from my partner: a short-sleeved grey leather shirt. It has black leather accents and white piping. It’s gorgeous! The top grain leather from which it is made is in the 9-10oz range, so it is thick and warm, but soft and flexible. Man, this is about the highest quality leather garment I have ever owned.

It was made custom for me by 665 Leather of North Hollywood, California. They were having this “Black Friday sale”… and, ahem, hints were given and my beloved partner, the excellent listener, responded.

It goes very well with my custom grey chaps and underchaps that I had made by Northbound Leather of Toronto, Canada, in 2004. The outfit is a bit “out there in leatherland” so I don’t think I will wear it as I go about my community business. But I will wear it when I ride my Harley… some day… when this darned cold snap abates and the snow and ice all goes away. Some day….

Grrrrr! More pics of this shirt are on my website.

Life is short: wear your leather!

Vanilla Leatherman

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In the gay world, the term “vanilla” means:

“… expression for conventional sex without any kinky extras such as bondage or sado-masochism.” (source).

I have been “into leather” for decades, and some may call me an “Old Guard Leatherman.” I regularly wear a Muir Cap (traditional “old guard” regalia), as well as full leather and tall boots. (note — when I say “regularly,” I mean “often” — not just to once-a-year events like MAL or IML or a MC club’s “run.”) Heck, sometimes I even mix it up with other things, like a flannel shirt with brown leather jeans, or a black leather shirt with blue denim jeans.

Why do I wear leather gear regularly? I like how it protects me when I ride my Harley, how it keeps me warm, and how it feels on my body. It is comfortable, practical, and exceptionally long-lasting. Since I wear leather a lot in my off-time, I do not buy jeans or other casual clothes nearly as much as other guys do — simply because I don’t have to, as my regular clothes have much less wear and do not need to be replaced as often.

I surf the ‘net and read a lot about gay guys who enjoy leather and sexual activities that they do while wearing leather. My perceptions may be grossly affected by what I am reading on the Internet, as I blogged about on Tuesday.

It caused me to think, “is there such a thing as being ‘too vanilla’ for leather?” I do not like bondage, but have no ill-will toward those who do. I never have nor would engage in S&M sexual activities. My reasons for this aversion go back to a previous job where I once rescued bound victims of actual human torture. The memories continue to haunt me, and thus anything related to bondage and/or S&M become as much “unstimulating” to me as they may stimulate others.

Are there “rules” that gay men who wear leather must also like to engage in kinky sex that involves bondage or S&M? Are there leathercops who will confiscate my leather gear because I do not engage in “more active” leathersex that most would define as “kinky”?

Harumppph…. the closest I get to kinky sex is wearing boots, chaps, and a vest when I play with my partner. This is a “G-rated” blog, so I will not describe our sexual activity (and it’s none of your business, anyway). Let me suffice it to say that what we do is rather vanilla. That is how we enjoy it. Since we are monogamous and we both are tops, we do what pleases the other, and get sexual and personal satisfaction pleasing our mate.

But I digress… is it a contradiction in terms to say “vanilla leatherman?” In my case, I do not think so. I venture to say that I think that the vast majority of gay guys who like to wear leather do not engage in kinky leathersex. But the perceptions are that most guys into leather do engage in active, kinky sex. These perceptions are driven by what people read and view today on the Internet, and yesterday in porn mags and videos.

I wonder what others may think.

Life is short: wear your leather!