Communication is the Key

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I was reading a blog post by a police officer who described whether it was good or not good to talk about the job with one’s spouse, girl/boyfriend, or in my case, partner.

There is one school of thought that you should keep your job at your job and not talk about it at home. The officer’s line of thinking was the opposite, and is consistent with my own. That it, he said, and I feel the same way, that “holding back what happens to you at work will eat your soul and will be the demise of the greatest reward of your personal life — your marriage” (or in my case, all I’m allowed to call it is “my relationship” because I am prohibited from marrying the man I love. But that’s another story for another time….)

Further, he said, “Too many first responders equate their whole identity in being whatever it is they are professionally. All too often, we are guilty of paying more attention to our lives at work than the one at home.” He concluded that paragraph by saying, “It’s like cheating on your family.” That statement caused me to ponder, and agree very much with his profound insight.

While I am not a first responder, I can directly relate to what he said. I had a soaring career for almost 20 years with a respected national organization. I realize now in hindsight how “married to the job” I was. I lived and breathed that job every moment of every day. One may call that behavior “dedicated.” I learned later that being so dedicated was taking me away both physically and spiritually from my best half — my partner.

Bad things would happen on the job, and I would try to suck it up and say to myself, “I’m not going to burden him with that bullshit.” But I would dwell on that crap in my mind, and it would affect my whole demeanor in how I related to my best half, my family, and my friends.

I kept rationalizing, “I have a life outside of work. I deal with work at work and can leave it there, and have a life with my partner, family, and friends outside of working hours.” I was fooling myself. That was the biggest lie I ever told — and worse, I told it to myself so much that I believed it for 20 years.

Things came to a head with a major conflict at that job in late 2004. I was so angry and frustrated with daily garbage that when I came home, I unloaded my emotions in unhealthy ways. If my partner didn’t love me as much as he does, I’m sure he would have left me. But instead of fighting with me about my personal issues, he became the listener that he is and asked me questions in a gentle way to probe what exactly was going on. So I let it all out. What I had bottled up came flowing out in a torrent of yelling, screaming, and a lot of tears.

Sure, I made some mistakes and that led to this conflict at work. But my partner, being the loving, caring, man that he is, never once said that I did anything wrong. He defended me with absolute certainty that I was right and to hell with everyone else at the job who were making me so miserable. Within a week of finally opening up to him, I quit a job that was eating me alive.

My situation had gotten to the point of “my job or my life” and it was an “either-or.” There was no compromise. No middle ground. My partner never threatened to leave me, but made it clear that my behavior was making me very difficult to live with. But more importantly, he pointed out what I was failing to see — that my misery was affecting not only my mental health, but was making me that negative person that I never would want to be. He sort of held me to a mirror and said, “is this the man you want to be?”

He was so right. His intervention saved my soul, saved our relationship, and saved my sanity. Quitting a job that I thought I loved was the best thing in the world I ever could have done. And it would probably have happened sooner had I talked with him about it years earlier.

I am a fairly resilient man. I also know that my ability to bounce back to the man I want to be is absolutely dependent on communicating with the best reward of my personal life — my partner.

I communicate a lot with many people, but there’s nothing on the level of communication with your partner that is the same. Sure, my twin brother can read my mind and my senior pals are sensitive to share their wisdom. My siblings are close, listen well, and love me, “regardless.” It’s wonderful to be surrounded by people who “have my back.” But there’s nothing quite the same as your spousal-equivalent being there to listen, support, and … as I always say,

… show those you love that you love them.

I definitely agree with Motorcop: “Communication is key.” Keeping the dialogue going maintains a healthy relationship with your best half and maintains the integrity of your soul. Thanks, MC, for such a terrific and insightful blog post.

Party Time

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Yep, it’s that time of year again — in the last four weeks, I have attended 23 birthday parties within my family. Yikes! And there are four more parties this coming weekend! Double-yikes!

No, I do not have 23 siblings. 14 of them are enough, thank-you. Some of these parties were for nieces, nephews, and “The Greats.”

I tell ‘ya, I am all “caked out.” LOL!

It’s nice to see all the members of my family who live within driving distance of my home (not all of them do — I have family scattered around the country and the globe!) One might think it is a bit too much. For me, no… but it does keep me busy riding from place to place. However, I love it.

With such a large family, we do not exchange presents. I give a card, a warm hug, smiles and good cheer. I think I may be among the few who knows everyone’s names and their ages… but I have a little secret. I am the keeper of our Family Tree, and I reference it before I go to one of the parties.

While I have attended 23 such festivities over the last four weeks, I have not attended all of them. Some were far away, some were at very inconvenient times, and some conflicted with others.

That’s okay… we love each other and do our best to keep in touch, even though this Uncle Martian Dinosaur still refuses to get a data plan on his cell phone and exchange text messages. The younger ones do not use email or the phone, so I communicate with them via Facebook. One way or another, we remain closely connected.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Website Host Changed Yet Again!

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In an uncharacteristic departure from my usual happy, peppy self, this is a “rant warning.” Here goes….

My “bootedman” website went down when there was a server issue at Hurricane Electric on September 4. They were unable to resolve it quickly enough for my preferences — eventually, it took them 60 hours to fix it.

Because I had encountered numerous times of service outages (but none as long as the last one), I decided to migrate my website to a different web host, “DWHS Hosting”. It took about eight hours to migrate my site on September 4 – 5, and it got up and running nicely and seems to run quickly. So far, so good.

However, I learned on September 5 (which was a U.S. national holiday) when I had a technical problem that their customer service is unacceptably slow. You cannot call them on the phone — you only get a recording saying how important your call is, and promises that someone will call back. They never did.

Then on September 11, I encountered another serious problem, and submitted several “support tickets” to explain what was going on — only to get a reply via email many hours later with no solution and blameshifting the problem to my ISP.

On September 12, I submitted more updates about the problem, and I finally got a response asking if I had Skype. Sheesh… I don’t want to Skype with anyone — I just want the problem fixed. Arrrggghhh! Okay, don’t use DWHS web hosting. Their service works fine when it works, and as long as you do not need technical assistance. If you do, forget about it. They have poor customer service. While DWHS is U.S.-based, I think their “customer service” is only one person. I have had to migrate my site again to another web host…. uggghhh. I hate this. What a mess.

I would go back to Hurricane Electric in a heartbeat if they could give me a better promise of up-time. But they are honest, and cannot make such promises.

Before finding another web host, I called the potential new company’s support line to test it, as well sent them an email. In both instances, I received a prompt and courteous reply by a U.S.-based, English-speaking human being. How refreshing!

By the way, if you sent me an email or tried to use my “write to me” page on my website yesterday, the email may not have been received or the mail form may not have worked. Please try again. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Life is short: keep going until you get it right and get some form of response in a timely manner.

Day Out

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My partner and I had a great time visiting the Maryland Renaissance Festival on Saturday.  We saw some interesting shows, a jousting competition, and strolled around the grounds.  There were a lot of vendors (mostly for food). A couple vendors carried leather products, but of the nature of which I was not interested.

A few people dressed in period costume, but most attendees were the typical family with kids in tow… wearing shorts and sneakers… and a few of those awful flip-flops and crocs. I saw only one other guy (who was not a performer) wearing boots.

What did I wear? A pair of brown leather jeans tucked into tall brown Wesco harness boots. I chose not to wear a leather shirt or vest, because it was very humid and rather warm. I am not one of those who “gets into Ren Faire” by dressing in some form of costume, but it was fun to see those who did.

All-in-all, it was a nice way to spend a warm (and finally sunny) late summer day.

Under a Rock Today

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Today, September 11, 2011, I am under a rock. Or at least I want to be.

It is very hard to describe why I want to check out today, ten years after the heinous attacks that occurred in New York City, Arlington, Virginia, and who-knows-the-intended-location for the plane that crashed in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

The local and national media have been droning on and on about the ten year anniversary of these events (it is not one thing — not “9/11”!) I tell ‘ya, I just don’t want any more reminders of that tragic day in America’s history. I truly regret that so many people were killed by senseless acts of terrorism and am sorry for the families and loved-ones of those who died, including the brave rescuers who were trying to save lives but lost their own.

I did not lose anyone in those attacks, yet I was personally affected — permanently. I spent months in New York after the attack there from mid-September, 2001, through the following March providing direct long-term assistance. The personal stories, the sights, and even recollection of the smell (of burnt electrical insulation from the buildings that were destroyed)… all of that haunts me to this day. That is why I plan never to go back to New York City… too many bad memories.

Why do I want to be under a rock today? Mostly to deal with my own memories and observe my own way of recognizing those who died and their families in a respectful way. But that’s it. I do NOT want to see images again of the attacks, the destruction, the buildings on fire or collapsing, or of the people and families affected. It just hurts too much — plus, the media hypes stuff up so much to get ratings that they lose all meaning of what a respectful recognition should be.

I’m done. September 11, 2001, is a date which will live in infamy, even if the rest of the world still calls it 9/11 and forgets about it on 9/12.

Further, another reason that I want to check out today is that my Mom died on September 11, 1998. This date has many bad memories for various reasons, and I would rather remember my Mom’s warm smile, her touch, and her lessons than any darn stuff that the media may be doing.

Life is short: remember those you love, and show them that you love them.

Is It Hard for a Gay Guy to be Straight?

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This question, worded exactly as written, “Is it hard for a gay guy to be straight?” was entered into a search engine and landed on this blog.

I have written many posts over time about being gay, yet behaving in a masculine manner which some gay men call “acting straight.”  I am not an actor. I behave the way I do because that’s who I am.  I know there are some gay men who “butch up” on occasion — to act “more straight” in certain situations.  I am not like those guys. I am who I am.

Meanwhile, back to the question — my answer is, “yes, it’s damn hard — impossible — for a gay guy to ‘be’ straight.”   If you’re gay, you’re gay — homosexual — attracted to the same sex.  If you’re straight, then you are heterosexual and attracted to the opposite sex. 

Contrary to what some Bible-thumping wackos affiliated with some fringe groups think or say, it is not possible for a guy who is truly homosexual to be or become straight.  Just doesn’t work.  Won’t happen.  Expose the gay guy to fringe-wacko therapy to try to convince him not to “be” gay, and likely the gay guy will be ripe for long-term therapy to recover from such exposure and to regain his sanity.  Seriously — it’s that bad, and that detrimental.

But perhaps that is not what the writer of the question was asking.  Perhaps he was asking, “is it hard for a gay guy to ‘act’ straight?”  In that case, it’s different.  For some of us (gay men), it is not difficult to behave like straight guys do, because that is how we are and how we are wired.  But for the gay man who is effeminate, it will likely be harder for him to behave in a masculine manner.  I won’t delve into stereotypes. Let me just say that I know some gay guys who could pull it off and some who could not.  We’re all different. 

But let me reaffirm my understanding from science that if a guy is gay, he was born that way.  He did not “choose a lifestyle.”  Heck, when did you “choose to be straight?”  It just doesn’t work that way.  You’re gay, you’re gay.  You’re straight, you’re straight.  So be it.  How you behave is often what others use to judge whether you are (or are not) gay.  It’s sad that people make these judgments, but they do.

My advice:  be who you are; be comfortable in your own skin; keep thinking that you are a valuable person and other people’s opinions of your behavior are their problem, not yours.  I know that is hard to accept by some people, but let me affirm:  once you achieve this level of self-awareness, then a “whole new you” is revealed. For me, it was a man who was confident, self-assured, and calm. 

Final thought on the question — is it hard for a gay guy to “be” straight?  Yes.  It is hard for a gay man to “be” comfortable with himself if he continues to live in the closet and hide his sexual identity from himself, his family, and his friends.  I know there are reasons why gay men do that, which have a lot to do with keeping a job in many cases and self-preservation in others.

But it is far more difficult for a gay guy to “be” something he is not. 

Life is short:  be who you are.

Biker Boots on a Budget

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Someone sent me an email asking, “if you could only get one pair of motorcycle boots, what would it be?” He complimented my boot collection and suggested that I make a video to demonstrate my response to his question.

This is a very hard question to ask a guy who has as many pairs of motorcycle boots as I have.

I narrowed it down to three choices, which all happen to be made by Justin Brands under the Chippewa Boots banner here in the United States:

1. Traditional Chippewa Harness Boots — Style 27868

These boots are rugged, solid, well-constructed, and a great value for the money. They have a Vibram 430 lug sole which provides decent traction. Harness boots are about the most ubiquitous (common) boots that bikers in the U.S. wear. Chippewa harness boots are made in the USA, and bargains for them abound — usually around major holidays. (If you haven’t seen it already, check out my video where I do a comparison of four different makes of motorcycle harness boots).

2. Traditional Chippewa 17″ Engineer Boots — Style 27909 with steel toe; 27908 without a steel toe

Engineer boots are also a very common choice that bikers wear. These boots are also available in a shorter (11″) version, but I prefer the taller variety because tall boots provide better protection for the whole leg, instead of only the lower leg and ankle. The boots come with a regular nitrile (rubber) sole, which provides moderate traction. They are also unlined, so they will sag at the ankles, but that adds (in my opinion) to the overall character of the boot.

3. Chippewa Firefighter Boots — Style 27422

I would be remiss if I failed to mention the boots that I like to wear often when I ride my Harley. Chippewa Firefighter boots are not often considered by bikers, but they should be. They are very solid and sturdily built, as their primary users are wildland firefighters. What I like most about these boots is that they are very comfortable — suitable for an all-day ride. While they are leather-lined, they don’t get hot. Their Vibram 100 lug soles provide superb traction. I have been recommending them for years, and stand behind that recommendation. Great boots — a bit more expensive than their traditional biker brothers listed above, but to answer that email — if I had to pick only one pair of boots for use while riding my motorcycle, what would that be? Chippewa Firefighter Boots, feet-down (I would use the American expression “hands-down,” but I haven’t found a pair of boots to fit my hands and still let me type LOL!)

Here is the video that I produced that puts what I wrote above into a visual explanation:

Most Common Cowboy Boot Heel Style

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An interesting search landed a visitor to my most-visited web page, wearing cowboy boots.

The question was, “what is the most common heel style for everyday wear on cowboy boots?” It was searched by someone in Texas, where cowboy boots are worn often.

Generally, there are three heel heights on cowboy boots — a walking heel, which is about 1″ (2.5cm); a riding heel, which is about 2″ (5cm); and a heel height that splits the difference and is about 1-1/2″ to 1-5/8″ (3.8 to 4.1cm) high.

As far as heel style goes — walking (roper) heels are usually flat and blocky, with little if any slant. Riding heels are usually what’s called “underslung.” That means that the heels are larger at the place where they are attached to the sole and taper to a smaller size at the bottom. However, unlike high heels on women’s shoes, underslung cowboy boot heels usually have a fairly large area at the bottom, rather than taper to a point.

Walking heels are found on boots like ropers which are very commonly worn in the U.S. West and Midwest. Ropers are affordable and easy to wear while walking or working.

Cowboy boots worn for riding (a horse) are usually about 2″ (5cm) high and are usually underslung (tapered). These heels make it easier to hold the boot in stirrups and control a horse. However, heels of this height are harder for men to walk in. Most men are unaccustomed to wearing “high heels.” Also, some men are afraid to wear higher heels because of their fear of ridicule or labeling, but I won’t go there….

The vast majority of traditional cowboy boots split the difference, and have heels that are half-way between a walking heel and a riding heel. Various bootmakers call this heel height by different names — cowboy heel, low riding heel, or walking heel even. Regardless of what it may be called, heels of this height are the most common (to answer this question). These heels also usually taper slightly from the where it meets the sole to the bottom where it meets the floor — but the tapering is minor in comparison with a true underslung heel.

This traditional heel height allows for pants (trousers) or jeans to stack (fold) softly across the foot of the boot and not come down below the place where the back of the leather on the foot is attached to the heel. If pants come lower than that, then they can become worn and frayed at the edges.

It is also easy enough for most men to learn how to walk in boots with a heel of this height. Men who do not wear boots often may at first have some trouble walking in boots with this heel height. Sometimes, men may miss a step (that is, catch the heel on a step because he did not raise his foot high enough to clear the heel on the next step.)

One thing to note as well about the physics of cowboy boot heels, besides how the height affects walking, is how the height affects sound. Generally speaking, the higher the heel and the more mass (size) it has, the more sound the heel will make on the floor, sidewalk, or pavement. Think about it something like a drum — the bigger the size of the drum, the more deep, resounding sound it makes. About the same thing is true for cowboy boot heels. That’s why many men’s dress cowboy boots have rubber sole plates on them — to dampen the sound.

Hearing the sound of a “cowboy boot clunk” is music to some guys’ ears and an annoyance to others. I know some guys who have replaced a rubber sole plate with a wooden one they made themselves, so their boots can be heard! I know other guys who have a cobbler install a double-sole plate made of soft rubber, to dampen the sound. It really varies. (What do I do? I leave my boots the way they come. If they clunk, that’s fine. If they don’t, that’s okay with me, too.)

So now you know — what is the most common cowboy boot heel style? A heel that is slightly slanted, but not deeply underslung, and of a height that is about 1-1/2″ to 1-5/8″ (3.8 to 4.1cm).

Life is short: wear cowboy boots!

Web Hosting Challenge Resolved

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With regret, I had to abandon Hurricane Electric to serve as the host for my bootedman.com website and migrate it to another web host. I say that I regret having to take this action because I have been very loyal to Hurricane Electric and they’ve been very good — until now.

Originally, I started to create this website using so-called “free” hosting by my ISP. But I learned quickly that the ISP was very slow and cumbersome to use. After about four months of struggling with the ISP’s hosting, I talked about it with Larry and his husband Bill of hotboots.com. Bill is a real whiz when it comes to this stuff, and gave me some good advice. Both Larry and Bill recommended Hurricane Electric to host a site. Hotboots.com is hosted there and Larry has had nothing but praise for their reliability of service. So I purchased web hosting from them in April, 1996, and “bootedman.com” was born.

Man, a lot has changed with that site over five and a half years. I also have learned a lot more in my self-taught manner on how to write web pages including HTML, PHP, and javascripts. What took me an hour to do in 2006 takes just a few minutes today — and that’s good because I do not nearly have as much time to tinker with it as I once did.

As of the time I am writing this post, the server at Hurricane Electric that hosted bootedman.com just came back on-line after a 60-hour-plus outage. Such a shame. By their own admission, they have never had such an extended period of having a server be off-line.

H.E. has about the best Customer Support in the business — always available by phone and responsive to email. Even throughout our Labor Day weekend, they still had someone who would take a call, even if he could not help me much and did not have any answers as to the nature of the problem with their server.

Fortunately, I kept a complete off-line backup of the website, so I was able to upload it to another host. That took eight hours–it’s a huge site with 500 individual pages that all are internally linked, over 360 pages on the “Boots Wiki” knowledgebase, and over 8,300 images.

Now I am doing a lot of background checks, correction of missing links and pics, and other details. The site is working again, as is my email on that domain. I regret having to make this migration and make it permanent, but I was left with no choice.

Life is short: don’t let loyalty get in the way when it comes to making business decisions.