Monthly Archives: April 2009

Happy Easter!

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Hoppy shined my patrol boots today.

Very early — like at sunrise — my twin brother and I will go to mass. I’ll be in the patrol boots, dress pants and shirt. Unless he makes me, I will forgo the tie, though he will be in a suit. Bless him, he got the suit genes, and I got the leather jeans. (smile)

When we get home, I will prepare a nice breakfast. Then I’ll shuck the dress duds but not the boots. I’m gonna boot up in leather and (another pair of) tall cop boots and ride my Harley. My brother and I will go visit the little ones and he will be in a full-sized bunny costume!

No, a helmet won’t fit in the head; we will have to ride close to the surprise locations and have him take off the helmet and put the head on… then go terrorize the kiddos and get ’em juiced up on lots of candy.

Mid-day, I’ll leave my brother at a sister’s house for lunch while I go for a ride with my club. The ride is supposed to only be a couple hours, but we’ll see if the estimate is correct.

Mid-afternoon, I will rejoin my brother, bunny him up again, and go for a few more visits. It ought to be a ton of fun and laughs. We will have Easter dinner at another sister’s house, then come home early. He has to go to a series of meetings in DC (which is why he is visiting) and I have to go back to work early on Monday.

Happy Easter, everyone! Life is short: show those you love that you love them (even in crazy ways!)

Less Than Half

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My partner is a serious grocery shopper. He religiously cuts coupons. When the food section arrives in the paper on Wednesday, he reviews the ads closely.

Then we have this long session where he goes through the ad to identify which items are on sale that we ordinarily buy. He matches the sales with coupons.

Then on top of that, the store where we regularly shop matches competitor’s store coupons. Lately, one major chain has been offering $10 off a $50 grocery order, and another offers $5 off a $25 order. Then they run coupons of their own … which our regular store will match.

Friday is the regular shopping day in our household. I had a long list. We usually go shopping together, but my partner is visiting his mother so I had to do the shopping alone.

I found every item, used every coupon, and had the store clerk give the discounts for the competitor’s coupons. I must have had 30 coupons…

but you know what? It made a huge difference. I rang up $166.57 in groceries, and by using the store’s loyalty card (which gives the discounts for the sale prices, and brought the total to $115.42), then all those manufacturer’s coupons, and the competitor coupon “match” that my partner diligently finds, I brought the total down to $79.81.

I am ordinarily not one to go to all this trouble, but it was well worth it. My partner is very diligent, and his attention to detail and coupon-snipping saves us a ton of money each week. I love my man for many reasons, and this is one of them. We can put the money we might spend on groceries to good use on the house. Lots of maintenance to do this Spring.

Which reminds me… that’s where I have been and where I will be this weekend: fixing up that old house I bought. I have made a huge amount of progress, and if everything gets done this weekend as I plan, then it will be ready to be painted and have carpeting installed by the third week of April — a week earlier than expected. But… I am going on a motorcycle ride on Sunday. Gotta work in some fun among all the renovation stuff.

Life is short: clip your coupons!

OMG its SNF!

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Yep, this is how I am feeling. I have a serious case of “social network fatigue” or SNF. I didn’t even know this was a real “syndrome” until I looked it up, and found an interesting article about it.

The article states just how I am feeling about participating in social networking sites: you hear about something that sounds interesting, you sign up, then soon enough the interest fades and you forget about it and you’re occasionally reminded of the pain spent in managing connections instead of enjoying being connected.

BHD has participated in social networks including Boots on Line, Gearfetish, Recon, BLUF, and even MySpace. He’s been invited to join Facebook countless times (but has resisted). He once was on other boot-related networks on ning and still belongs to the “abootfetish2” yahoo group, though it doesn’t do anything for him any more. And he’s forgotten already about two dozen other one-time wonder networks and yahoo groups that he had signed up for, looked at for a little while, the forgot about.

BHD’s professional side belongs to LinkedIn, about 20 yahoo and google groups, and six listservs set up by professional organizations or societies.

All these things take a lot of time to manage, and get exhausting.

Interestingly, Bill — the husband of Larry of “hotboots” fame — suggested recently that I examine just what participation in these social network sites and email groups “does for me.” And you know, he’s right, it doesn’t do much for me any more. I’ve made my friends. The hassle of dealing with occasional bozos who have harassed me through these sites (and getting it cleaned up) is more trouble than it’s worth to continue to participate, and I’m sure is annoying to webmasters who have to deal with goofball matters like this. And frankly, I’m just tired of the same-old, same-old boring stuff I see on these sites. After a while, it all blends in to a general jumbled visual mush and is rendered meaningless.

That doesn’t mean that I have lost interest in maintaining and building my friendships developed through connections initially made through these sites. It just means that I have enough now already and the men I have added to my life with whom I regularly communicate are great. But as my Nonna would say, “Basta!” — enough is enough.

Good friends have expressed similar feelings lately. AZ, JohnSmith, Bama, Clay, Maf, and several others — we’re all expressing the fatigue of keeping up with all the clutter of networking, instead of actually networking with those with whom we have made a connection. Funny, it was Bama who expressed what I was observing, “all the cool guys are gone….” (though I am honored that such a cool guy would refer to me by that term, but I digress.)

No worries, fellas, I’ll still be around. I will continue to maintain, update, and refresh my website, post regularly on this blog, and keep an eye on other things, but my active participation on BOL, abootfetish, etc., etc., is of less interest and value to me.

Anyone else suffering from SNF? It seems to be a growing syndrome that the younger set can teach us older guys about.

The Big Day

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Yesterday was a big day. I was officially presented the award that I blogged about in January. I’m on such a high that my silly grin still won’t be wiped off my face, and I am still floating on air, boots and all.

It began with a surprise upgrade to First Class on the flights to the city where a conference was being held and at which the award was presented. It continued with being picked up at the airport and escorted to the hotel in a huge Suburban with two bike cops clearing traffic. For lil’ ol’ me? Who woulda thunk?

It continued when I got to the hotel and was given a key to a suite, complete with a 5,000-pound fruit basket, compliments of the host committee.

Dinner with old friends — well, shall I say “really long-term but not-that-old”) — on Tuesday night was a hoot. If I weren’t such an early-bird, I could have stayed up all night. But I was a good boy, and got to bed by 9.

I tried to give away the fruit at a breakfast on Wednesday morning, but the hotel had provided more and more fruit. I had to bring the basket back to my room… unpartaken (except for a couple bananas that I ate).

I spent most of the morning attending the conference that brought me, and enjoyed listening to the presentations and thinking, “my, my, my, how things have not changed.”

Then the big event — the awards lunch. I can’t/won’t go into detail, but let me say that it was truly special and I am deeply grateful and honored. The standing ovation was more than I expected, and the acknowledgments for the contributions to my profession were beyond belief. I am just a man who was in the right place, at the right time, and who had the freedom to extend his passion across a broad spectrum. That couldn’t happen today as the organization where I did that work is a mere shell of itself now (and its decline is a main reason why I left), but was wonderful in the heyday of enabling such accomplishments.

The part of the event about which I was most anxious was a celebratory dinner last night. It was hosted by a well-regarded media outlet and one of its most well-known “gurus.” He razzed me, joked around, made up stories (no, I didn’t go bald before he did! I still have [some] hair!) The event was more of a roast, but all in good fun. I was able to relax, laugh, and have a great time.

My only regret if I have one is that my partner wasn’t with me. He joined me at the January presentation, but he said that this event was “your time with your people.” He knew that I would have to continue to introduce him, and he didn’t want any attention. He hates crowds. Funny, he likes to dress up, and I don’t. I like crowds, and he doesn’t. Oh well, we share many other things in common.

I’m winging my way back home as you read this, and will return to some semblance of “normal life.” My twin brother arrives late tonight to spend Easter with us. I love having him around. We have something special planned for the kiddos this weekend. Te he.

By the way, I found a good use for the fruit basket — there was a homeless shelter not that far from the hotel, and I donated it to them. They were very happy to get it.

Life is short: You gotta love it!

Meeting The Right Guy

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I have been asked from time to time how to meet a guy who has the qualities that I have described in my own partner: honesty, integrity, romance, intelligence, and terrific & tender with intimacy (not necessarily in that order!)

I am “of the age” where when I was single and looking around, the Internet was not available. Websites dedicated to social interactions and networking did not exist. The only places available to meet other guys were bars, clubs, social groups, and the workplace. We could run a personal ad in the local gay rag, but that didn’t work very well and took a long time. Or, there were occasional gay-oriented events, like rallies, trips or cruises, but those trips didn’t occur with the frequency back then with which they do now.

I know that I was exceptionally fortunate to have met my partner through a club that we both had joined for different reasons, but about the same time. The other members of the club turned out to have a lot of “issues.” My partner and I figured that out fast, left the club, but kept each other! We are approaching 16 years of true partnership, and I am thankful for each minute I have had with him.

These days, using the Internet to make first contacts is how many men meet other men. But using the Internet exclusively has severe drawbacks. I have learned from my on-line activities (blog, website, occasional posting on BOL, etc.) that a fair number of the people who respond to on-line postings have “issues.” A guy may sound normal in writing but then when you meet him, you find out that (a) he is married to a woman; (b) he has someone at home he calls a partner yet he is playing deceitfully behind his partner’s back; (c) he was smart enough to analyze your posting to repeat what you wanted to hear, but when you spoke with him one-on-one, it turns out that you have nothing in common; (d) he is demanding for sex and not much else; (e) he doesn’t have much “upstairs”, (f) he wants your money, or (g) some combination of these things.

A guy looking to meet another guy on the ‘net needs to be astute enough to know that not everyone is who he portrays himself to be. That if you do choose to meet in person, to plan the first meeting in a public place, like a restaurant or a bar, rather than invite him to your home immediately. Have a conversation before letting your libido take over your mind. Keep your mind straight — at least as straight as it can be for a gay guy — by not confounding your thought processes with drugs or alcohol. After all, meeting someone else for purposes of a longer-term relationship than a one-night stand means that you have to be able to listen and think.

While the Internet is an often-used tool to meet other guys, what I continue to observe and hear from friends is to “get out there.” Get involved in things. Find out if there are brunches or other social functions organized by a group that you would enjoy knowing better. If you enjoy playing sports, join a volleyball, softball, or other local sports team. Get involved in community or church activities. Go rock climbing or hiking with people. Join a club or group that does things you enjoy — like I do with motorcycle riding and civic groups. These days, gay men are “out there” and active in a number of groups because they like what the group does. They enjoy doing things like helping out at the shelter, singing in the choir, playing a sport, and all sorts of things.

Because gay men are more integrated than ever before in community events, activities, and sports, it is common to find that while there are a bunch of straight people in the group, there very well are gay people in it too. They are like me: they don’t wave the rainbow flag, come swishing into a room with a squeaky voice, or have an HRC sticker on their car’s bumper. That is, they generally blend in as a part of the fabric of the community, and not associate only with other gay people. After a while, though, you usually can find out (by using “gaydar” or simply asking) if a guy you like might be interested in going out with you. If you find a man you like in the group, you already have something in common, which is the activity that the group does. You already have something about which you can begin a conversation. And let me affirm that it is conversation that builds the foundation of a long-lasting quality relationship.

Getting out and involved seems to me to be one of the most overlooked “resources” for finding a mate. Yet that process is as age-old as going to the church social or the barn-building for a neighbor of years past. (And in years past, that is how a lot of gay men actually met each other because they never could think of revealing their sexual orientation.)

Keep at it, keep looking, and know in your heart that if you really want to meet that special man, there are guys out there that you will like and who will like you as well as be compatible in bed. But I know it doesn’t happen like it happened with me but once in a blue moon. But it can happen. It does happen. Think positively, keep looking, keep true to yourself and your convictions. And also: keep smiling! Nobody likes a man who scowls.

Life is short. Spending it with someone who will remember your name and forgive you when you put your right boot on your left foot when you’re 70 is worth it. 🙂

Pennsylvania Connections

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My partner loves to sit in our gardens in the back yard and relax. He watches the birds flutter around the feeder, the squirrels play “catch me if you can,” and soak in the marvels of Mother Nature in her glory. He worked very hard to make our backyard retreat the quiet, soothing, comfortable place that it is. He says that in some ways, it reminds him of “backwoods” where he grew up, in Western Pennsylvania.

I joined him on a bench back in our backyard retreat the other day. This was one of those times where we sat, relaxed, and had a quiet conversation. During that particular chat, I spoke about some guys I have gotten to know who also have connections with his home state.

My best friend, AZ, was born in the same hospital where my partner was (albeit a decade later), and lived in Pennsylvania for quite a while until he moved for a new start on a new life in Arizona, where he is well-settled and happy. My partner knows all about AZ, as we have talked about him and our friendship a lot. My partner appreciates that AZ and I have such a strong bond of friendship, because he knows that AZ is a quality man.

Within the last year, I have “met” (via email) two other fine men from Pennsylvania. I choose not to reveal too much about them out of respect for their privacy. But I can say a little bit.

One guy lives and works in the central part of the state. He has a responsible position with a well-respected employer. He travels a lot. He likes boots, but admits that his boot-wearing has been limited to a few favorite pairs. He travels a lot for his job. He is really smart and introspective. He is gay, but lives a quiet life and has kept his interests in other men pretty much to himself. Lately he has begun the process of coming out by getting involved in groups and meeting people. He has told me that my blog has helped him be more comfortable with being himself and who he is as gay man. I have learned a lot from him, and really enjoy our frequent email exchanges and discussions.

Another guy lives with his partner in Western PA. He comes from a strong, supportive family. He also has done a lot of civic work in helping to protect and care for his small town and surrounding areas. He likes boots, too, but usually only wears them casually (and he is quite attractive in his Wranglers and boots!) He works in a specialty field but in a corporate environment. He travels a lot, too. We have exchanged many emails and some phone calls, and I have learned a lot about his qualities, intelligence, wit, and charm. His nature of being a confident, masculine man has helped reaffirm much for me, as our outlooks on the nature of “gaydom” are identical.

I have blogged about some of the conversations I have had with these friends. What brought us together, perhaps, was a mutual interest in boots, but what built bonds of friendship with all of these guys is more than that. We have mutual interests and outlooks on life. It is not surprising that we have formed solid friendships. These guys are down-to-earth, intelligent, thoughtful, and pleasant men who have a lot to share. They know how to be a good friend. They are forgiving of my occasional lapses in communication. They ask insightful questions. They give support when they sense it’s needed (and they are quite able to sense that need without my having to say so.)

As I was having that conversation in our garden with my partner, he remarked to me — and he’s right — there’s something about those Pennsylvania connections. Sure, I have friends here at home in Maryland and all around the world. I treasure, though, my “PA Connections” which first brought me my partner, and ongoing have introduced me to quality men who have brought joy, calm, and fun to my life. Thanks, guys!

Missing My Riding Buddy

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As I have blogged about before, I witnessed a great friend and fellow motorcycle rider get killed by a cell-phone-yapping yuppie. Six years ago today that horrible crash happened. Rick died on the scene. It was an awful sight, and I still have nightmares.

I haven’t stopped riding, but I am still quite nervous, especially when statistics continue to show that more and more people use cell phones all the time, and many continue to yap-and-talk while driving. Worse nowadays are those who text-and-talk.

The Commonwealth of Virginia finally had a little bit of courage to pass a bill that the Governor signed into law to make texting while driving a secondary offense. This watered-down bill is better than nothing at all.

My own state’s legislature (Maryland) has no guts, no courage, and no intelligence, particularly those who serve on the Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee before whom I testified, but who couldn’t pass the bill out of committee this year. SHAME ON THEM!

They all yap on their cell phones all the time. Even when the committee was presented with strong evidence compelling the reasons to pass a measure to make talking on a hand-held cell phone while driving or texting while driving a primary offense — and even with the support of the Maryland State Police (this year was the first time they got behind the legislation) — the darn fools once again won’t pass the bill. What a crying shame. And I am ashamed of each and every one of the committee members who voted against the bill. SHAME SHAME SHAME! BOO! HISSSS!

I commend my district’s state senator for drafting the bill and getting co-sponsors for it. He is, at least, trying to do the right thing, even if some of his colleagues won’t support him.

Meanwhile, I spoke with Cindy last night. Cindy was Rick’s wife. She is doing okay. Their children are growing, and doing okay. But she was melancholy, and I can understand why. She moved out-of-state about a year after Rick’s crash, but we have kept in touch. She misses Rick so much. The kids still ask about him from time to time, but their memories are short, and they don’t know who their Daddy really was: a man of integrity, intelligence, political savvy, and who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. In many ways, he was my political soulmate, whose absence continues to be felt deeply.

I’ll keep fighting for what’s right. You would think that legislating common sense is unnecessary. Unfortunately, there are so many people who have no common sense at all, and continue to yap-and-drive lethal weapons down the highway.

Hang up and drive. The life you save could be your own.

Clang Clang Clang Goes the Trolley

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My partner seldom wants to go anywhere and it is even less often that he comes up with an idea of something he wants to do. Yesterday was an exception.

We joined a group that went to Philadelphia for a “rail fan” tour. In the morning, we toured the 30th Street Station in Philly and learned about its history. We then got to see Amtrak’s operations center which is also located there. It was an interesting behind-the-scenes insight into how Amtrak’s operations run.

We had lunch at the station, and boarded a bus which took us to a trolley car barn operated by SEPTA, the authority that runs public transit in Philly. We boarded a chartered PCC II trolley car for a delightful trip all over the city. We stopped several times for “photo ops,” which I did a few times, but honestly, to me, one picture of a trolley car looks pretty much the same as all others. We rode for hours and hours all over Philadelphia. The smile on my partner’s face was endless. He has always had a special fascination with trams, trolleys, and street cars since he remembers them from his days as a kid. We have spent days and days riding trams in Melbourne, Australia; Christchurch, New Zeland; Munich and Frankfort, Germany; Vienna, Austria; Toronto, Canada; and New Orleans and San Francisco, USA. In fact, back in the day when we traveled, half of our time playing tourist was just to ride the trams.

I enjoy it when my partner is happy. He works so hard and does so many things to help me that the rare times he wants to do something for his own happiness is only my pleasure to support.

Life is short: keep smiling! Show those you love that you love them.

Cherry Tree Time Again!

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I got a chance to take a walk over by the U.S. Capitol yesterday to see the cherry trees in bloom on the Capitol grounds. It was delightful … and not too crowded. Most of the tourists coming to see the trees in DC go to the Tidal Basin, and don’t know that there are cherry trees in other places in the city that are just as gorgeous.

I generally avoid going to tourist places in DC during peak tourist season, which has started in earnest. However, I work in the city and there are so many things that are nice to see during Spring that I still try to get out to see them. DC is such a walkable, beautiful city, especially in springtime.

I posted more pictures that I took here on my website.