Category Archives: Gay Issues

Not A Gay Social Whirl

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There are some people who assume that if a guy is gay, he leads a very active social life.  Actually, a social life has nothing to do with sexual orientation, but that’s beside the point.

Being in a relationship with the world’s #1 recluse, a social life is not really there for me.  That is, my circle of friends is limited to neighbors, fellow civic leaders, seniors who I look after and do things for, and (of course) my family.  That’s it.  I do not have a group of friends who I go hang out with at restaurants or bars.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not live a wild gay social whirl, flitting from one party to the next.  In fact, my friends know me so well, they don’t invite me to dinner parties.  While I like visiting my friends, I prefer visits that are more one-on-one, and where I don’t have to worry about finding things to eat that are compatible with my weird diet.

I work full-time on weekdays, go see my aunt and some other senior pals after work and on weekends, and visit family for events like birthday parties and every Friday night family dinners.  During the motorcycle riding season, I may like to ride in groups with safe riders.  But all-in-all, that’s about it.  I do not choose to go out otherwise — both by choice, as well as by the nature of the relationship that I am in and my decision that I do not socialize with other people for fun without my partner, and my partner chooses not to socialize at all.

Life is short:  not all gay guys live a wild social whirl!

The Elusive Masculine Gay Man

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I have written a number of posts about masculinity and what seems to be a rarity among men who are gay — just being a guy.  A guy-guy.  That is how I am and how I behave.  Not putting on an act, or behaving in a way that is uncharacteristic of the man I am.  I’m just a guy who happens to be in love with another guy who is a “guy-guy.”

Lately, I have received some more comments from college-age guys looking for a masculine guy to develop a relationship with.  The challenge is sex.  Lots of guys have guy friends, but when a guy wants to have sex with another guy, that’s a different story.  And since society imposes rules (of perception) that “real men don’t have sex with other men” (that is, “real men aren’t gay”), then gay guys who behave in a masculine manner by nature tend to hide in the closet — never revealing their true interest in other guys.

In fact, some gay men who hide in the closet may become the most outspokenly negative about gay men.  They rant, call names, and write nasty things on Facebook messages to distance themselves from the thing they want most:  a deep relationship with another guy that includes sex.

I am not a shrink, but I am asked rather often, “how do you know someone is gay?”  and “how can you find another masculine guy who is gay?”  I have even been asked, “should I wear clothes like boots and jeans for the image they project?”

Let me take each of these questions separately:

1.  How do you know someone is gay?  Well, despite some people who claim that their “gaydar” is 100% (meaning that they claim that they can “always” determine someone else’s sexual orientation), that is not true.  Gay people do not have a scarlet letter branded to their forehead, nor an indicator on their driver’s license that says “G” where others have “M” or “F” indicated.

As a matter of fact, last month I was with a group of people and one of them absolutely insisted that he could “always tell” if someone else were gay.  So I asked him to “give me the test.”  He said there wasn’t a test, but he could “always tell.”  Having had enough, I asked him, “so, am I gay?”  His response:  “hell no.”  You should have seen the shocked look on his face when I told him that I am gay and have been in love with my partner for well over 17 years.  He sputtered and stammered and said, “but you wear leather, boots, and jeans.  You ride a Harley.  You are President of (x organization)….”  He proved my point: he was making assumptions based on activities in which I engage and stereotypes.  Even as a gay man myself, I can’t always tell if someone else is gay, and frankly, I don’t even try to do so, and don’t care.

2. How can you find another masculine guy?  I can go on and on again, but rather, I refer you to the original post on this matter, and ask that you read it, including the comments.  You can’t simply hang a sign and say, “masculine men only need apply.”  Ain’t gonna happen.  Just be yourself, and become active or involved in various groups where you just might meet another guy who, like you, is interested in masculine men.

3.  Should I wear clothes that project a masculine image?  Wear what you want, and what you like.  But if you’re looking for a masculine guy, he’s not going to respond to the latest designer-label jeans and designer-label jacket.  Ditch the fashion, and wear what other guys in your area wear.  If you like boots, wear them. If not, then don’t.  It’s up to you.  The choices of what you wear on your body and your feet will not make much of a difference provided what you wear is generally within the norm (okay, I’m being tactfully circumspect about men wearing women’s clothing.)

It all boils down to this:  relationships.  Every man seeking a mate — male or female — has to build a relationship first.  That’s what dating and courtship is all about.  You build on a friendship to a level of closeness that reveals your true identity because you are completely honest with your mate and do not hide your sexual orientation in the closet.  If the other guy likes you, and you come out to him, then if he is a real friend, he will not forsake you.  He may respond with becoming intimate, or he may back off and say, “not interested in that.”

But if he is a true friend, he won’t hurt you.  Regretfully, though, there are times when guys let down their guard and let someone in, only to be burned by the other guy who recoils with shock and says rude and hateful things.  To reduce that possibility, my recommendation is to take your time.

Taking the time to build a relationship with a masculine guy is very hard for some people to do.  It’s as hard for men as it is for women.  Younger people who are accustomed to instant satisfaction and immediate responses can’t handle having to take things slowly.  But I have found that most masculine gay men are very careful and deliberate in choosing who to get close to.  Some of them have been burned before, and some of them remain very much “in the closet.”  Some may not have self-identified as being gay, and are in denial.  Eventually, time will tell … but taking the time to figure it out is not an easy thing.  (For example, I was 35 when I met my man, but I wasn’t celibate… if you get the drift.)

You can find a masculine gay man if you’re looking for one.  You just need to take time, be patient, and keep being true to yourself.  Good luck.

Life is short:  but in this case, take your time.

Internet Searches That Land Here

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Every now and then, I look at what people are entering into search engines that drive visitors to this blog.  Most of the searches are real, honest-to-goodness questions.  But some of them are, um, “interesting.”  The latest examples are below, with my attempts at answers.

  • can you spray leather protectant on boots and walk in the rain (California)

>> well, you “can” but the question is, will it work and will it cause damage to your boots?  If your boots are all leather and are dark in color, then it won’t change the color.  But what this stuff does is clog the pores in the leather, making it eventually become hard and brittle.  Don’t use it.  Instead, use a good quality leather conditioner and a good polish.  If the boots get wet, then allow them to dry naturally (out of the sun) in a place with good ventilation.  That will prevent mold.  Then shine ’em up again.  And don’t wear boots made of exotic skins like snake, alligator, crocodile, etc. if it is raining.  Those skins are made of scales which will curl when they get wet and won’t “uncurl.” 

  • how to wear male cowboy boots  (North Dakota)

>> Well, I didn’t know that boots had a gender.  Hmmm, gotta think about that one.  Otherwise, if you’re asking how a man wears boots — quick answer — on his feet.

  • do men still where [sic] cowboy boots (New Jersey)

>> Yes, men “still” wear cowboy boots.  Where?  Again… on their feet.  Just look down.  Or read this recent blog post.  Perhaps not as many men in New Jersey wear boots as in other states, but real men “still” wear boots.  Try wearing a pair.  You’ll look good and it’s likely you will get plenty of compliments on the boots, but perhaps not your spelling.

  • how do you wear boots for men  (Jacksonville, Florida)

>>hmmm, how to wear boots “for” men?  Well, men like to see other people who are wearing boots standing tall, smiling, and looking confident.  Regardless if they are gay or straight, a woman or a man wearing boots and who walks proudly and stands tall gets appreciation, interest, approving looks, and respect.

  • best motorcycle boots that don’t look gay  (San Francisco, California)

>> gee, this is an interesting question, particularly considering where it came from.  I already answered this as recently as this post dated September 8, 2010.  Check it out — then get over your hang-ups about “boots looking gay.”  I really would like to know sometime about what motorcycle boots “look gay.”  They look like boots to me.  And I’ve never seen boots making out with each other, but perhaps boots act differently on the Left Coast.

  • meaning of tucking pants in your boots   (Oklahoma)

>> Okay, here’s the secret — only a guy with a huge boot collection like me knows the real answer.  Glad you asked.  Here goes.  Ready?

It means that the guy likes his boots and wants to wear them so people can see them.  That’s all.  Period.  End-of-story.  Don’t read anything else into wearing jeans tucked into boots than is there.  Nothing is there.  Okay, done.  End-of-rant.  Again.  Or see this recent blog post.

  • the correct way to walk in cowboy boats [sic]  (Texas)

>> Yep, they have a lot of cowboy stuff in Texas, and while I have visited that state on many occasions over the years, I have yet to see a cowboy boat.  I guess the answer is: walk carefully and hold the handrail until you get your sealegs.

  • why to gays were cowboy boots [sic]  (Leesburg, Virginia)

>>this just illustrates so much… but I’ll refrain from making statements that would lower me to this guy’s level. Suffice it to say, there are some people who could be better educated.

Life is short: watch what you search for — your search could end up getting quoted here!

When Did You Choose To Be Straight?

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Here is a video that was posted on YouTube that I became aware of through a friend (former supervisor).

The video is on-street interviews asking the fundamental question of random people the interviewer meets on the street, “when did you choose to be straight?”

I think that’s a great come-back for those small-minded people (especially the religious wrong) who run around saying that “being gay is a choice” or “the gay ‘lifestyle’ is a bad choice” … and so on.

Let me be clear:  I am gay.  I did not choose to be gay.  I was born that way.  I didn’t know I was interested in having a man for my lifemate until I was much older.  I went through the usual motions of dating girls and such through high school and college, and realized that I was being deceitful.  It was unfair to the women who I dated that I really wasn’t interested in more than conversation and enjoying activities together like a movie, a hike, or going out with friends to dinner.

So next time someone mouths-off about “being gay is a choice,” simply ask them, as this interviewer did, “when did you choose to be straight?”  … see what they say.  They may come to a realization of their own, from a perspective from which they had not thought before.

Update: This post was edited to remove political content. This is not a political blog. A comment was provided that was political in nature. That’s why I edited this post, to remove my own political commentary such that the comment is no longer pertinent to this post (and therefore was not approved for posting). If you wish to comment on politics, please visit another blog.

Tucking Pants Into Boots

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Search results that brought a visitor to this blog

Another google search using the question “is it gay to tuck your pants into your boots?” directed a visitor to this blog.

Oh cripes, gimme a break.  Insecurity rules among young-uns.  Go tell a motorcycle police officer this stuff….

This is what Kevin described in his comment to last Friday’s post on this blog. This type of query on the internet is another indication of “fear of label” — that is, homophobia by fear of being called gay, simply by tucking jeans into one’s boots.

Sheesh, this is absolutely ridiculous. I learned from Kevin’s remark, and believe it, that some guys are really afraid of having that label applied to them because it can very well mean trouble. Name-calling has led to some vicious attacks resulting in bodily injury and death — simply because someone is “accused” of being gay by the way he talks, walks, or what he wears. This must stop!

If you’ve got a hang-up due to “fear of label” about wearing boots with jeans tucked into them, then don’t.  But if you have courage enough to seek more information and if you’re man enough to wear your boots with jeans tucked into them and with pride, then see this page on my website: Jeans and Cowboy Boots.

Life is short:  grow up if you worry about such matters.

Homophobia Hurts Straight Men, Too

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I thank my friend Kevin for pointing out the following opinion piece in a recent edition of The Christian Science Monitor whose title is:  “Homophobia Hurts Straight Men, Too.”  The full article is here.

The main point of the article is made at the top, where it says, “men rarely sustain intimate, long-standing friendships with other males after childhood. And the reason might surprise you: According to a large body of research, they’re afraid of being seen as gay.”

The article describes a time, not that long ago, where it wasn’t strange or uncommon for adult men to enjoy physical closeness: a hug, holding one another with arms around shoulders, etc.  But not today.

Today, you can barely shake another guy’s hand before he steps back to establish a large physical distance from you.  It saddens me that men have distanced themselves physically and emotionally from each other for about the past three decades — for fear of being labeled as gay.

The article further demonstrates how name-calling from school carries into adult life.  In school, kids call each other all sorts of names.  But none are intended to be as hurtful as being called “gay, queer, or fag.”  The expression, “that’s so gay” refers to actions or behaviors — anywhere from wearing jeans tucked into cowboy boots to having another guy ride as a passenger on a motorcycle operated by a guy.

A paragraph in the middle of the opinion piece spoke directly to this matter.  It said, “But to fight intolerance against gay boys, we also need to acknowledge its toll on straights – and our entire culture. Homophobia hurts all of our boys, by driving a wedge between them. Sharing your deepest feelings with another man? That’s so . . . gay. Or so we’ve been taught.”

That’s what bothers me a lot about the straight guys I know.  I sense that they would like to be more open and demonstrate greater sensitivity, but society has taught them through homophobia to back off, clam up, and “be a man” by being the strong silent type.  

Oh cripes, gimme a break.  Guys have feelings too, and should show them (besides losing one’s temper.)

The summary of the article is so true, and telling:  “And you can hear the message still, at any school or playground, where they call each other homo, fag, or queer. That hurts the gay kids most of all, as the awful death of Tyler Clementi reminds us. But it hurts the rest of us, too, by limiting the ways that men can act and feel. And that’s bad news for all American men, and for anyone – male or female – who loves them.”

Come on, straight guys, GET OVER IT!  You can’t and won’t “become” gay by associating with other men who are gay, or by enjoying physical closeness with another guy beyond a handshake.  It’s okay, being gay isn’t a disease and isn’t contagious.  A boy is gay when he is born, as I was (though I didn’t realize it until adulthood.)

Life is short:  get over your hangups, and enjoy close camaraderie with other guys!

A-List Gross-out

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I am writing this post on Tuesday evening, whilst my partner is making me suffer through viewing a show on the Logo network called “A List: New York.”  The show was composed of several interviews of “fabulous” gay men in New York City who are so full of themselves and “who they know and where we go” (to select parties, nightspots, etc.) …

…that it just made me sick.  Gosh, if these guys are supposed to be the trend-setters, then send me back to Oklahoma in my jeans and cowboy boots, whilst riding my Harley.

All I can say is yuck, ick, sucky, gross….  definitely NOT me.  The only thing these gay twits “set” is not trends, but stereotypes.  I finally insisted that he turn it off and watch something else.  It was that bad!

The review of this show in The Washington Post ended with these two paragraphs, which in my opinion, clearly describe what’s bad about this show:

The message in “The A-List” is that it’s too easy for gay men to get caught up in whatever status war happens to be available, and nothing is quite so withering as the dismissive sneer from an A-gay. You get all the way through the torment of being gay in small towns, high schools and churches, move to the big city, and find, as Karen Carpenter sang, we’ve only just begun.  No one really talks about why gay men can be so strangely cruel to one another, nor do they ever talk about how gay cliques might inhibit the broader effort to win equal rights.

“The A-List” is, of course, a poor excuse for a social study. Like all reality shows, it quickly turns its attention to the Jacuzzi, and here, at least one measure of equality is achieved: Gay men turn out to be just as distasteful and empty-headed as all the straight people on reality TV.

Life is short:  read a book.

Bullying and Gay Bashing

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Lately the case of the suicide of 18-year-old Rutgers University student, Tyler Clementi, has made world news.  It is alleged that Tyler’s dorm roommate and his girlfriend secretly captured webcam video of Tyler kissing another man and then broadcasted the video to a wide audience.  Tyler committed suicide soon after he found out about the internet broadcast of a very private, personal situation.

This is a clear case of cyber-bullying, and it just has to stop! 

I have blogged about how I felt as a kid in junior high — always picked on and bullied.  But the bullying was done in person by name-calling and physical attacks when teachers, other adults, or my taller “protector super-jock” twin brother weren’t around.  I was picked on simply because I was an easy target.  I was small for my age.  I was weak and undeveloped.  I took everything personally.  I was easily hurt.  I couldn’t hold a “poker face” so the bullies knew they were getting to me.

They would call me names like “fag” but I really didn’t take it as being related to my being gay.  I really meant it when I said that I never really knew about my sexuality until much later in life.  I really was a “late bloomer.”  I wasn’t interested in girls or guys when I was in my teens.  But I know that’s not true for lots of teens who have active sex at young ages, and some of those sexual encounters are with someone of the same sex.

Nonetheless, I guess I was lucky that Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet when I was in junior high school, as assuredly I would have been picked on via social networks and other ways had those methods been available when I was 13 years old.

A commentator on TV said that the problem with the Internet is that bullying can continue, non-stop, and inside someone’s home — where he (or she) feels safest.  That scares me.  I think Ellen DeGeneres statement says best about how I feel about this situation, too.  I have embedded it here:

Life is short:  be civil.

Finding the Right Guy

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I received an email from a young man who described his desire to meet another guy like him — a guy-guy.  I hate to say it, but a “gay guy” is often aligned or malaligned as being effeminate.  Not all gay men are that way, but a number of them are.

I’ve posted before about masculine men, overcoming gay male stereotypes, where to find a masculine gay man, and how I found my man.  But let me reiterate some points that are related from my own life experience.

Most gay men don’t realize their interest in men until a bit later in life.  During high school, he usually “goes through the motions” of dating girls, going to the usual high school events like dances, etc., and playing a role that society (and parents) expect.  Think about it:  parents are the typical straight couple.  They expect their children to be heterosexual and tend to resist the thought that their sons may be gay.

When I was in high school, I jumped in with both boots.  I was very active in various clubs and groups, and excelled in my studies.  I became Salutatorian, which is a fancy way of saying that one other person beat me out scholastically to be the Valedictorian.  So be it.  High school was fun, but very focused.  My social life was in large circles; not with any one girl (or any one guy, for that matter.)

When I went to college, I was also busier than a beaver.  I thought I knew what I wanted to study, and worked hard at it.  But I had wide and varied interests.  What resulted was three undergraduate degrees in a relatively short five-and-a-half year timeframe, with a year of that spent studying in Europe.  On top of that, I became President of my college social fraternity, President of two other clubs, an officer in campus-wide student government, and maintained a 3.9 (out of a 4.0) gradepoint average on about 20 – 22 credits per semester.  I didn’t have TIME for a social life!

After college, I began working full-time, and going to school for a Master’s Degree.  Again, all work and no time for fun.  I would ride my motorcycle on those occasional off-times for fun, and would hang out with some friends on rare occasions.  But mostly, I remained focused on civic work (when I began my volunteering in the community), on completing my graduate studies, and working… working… working.  The work involved a huge amount of domestic travel.

By the time I reached my late 20s, I was feeling the sands of time dripping through that hourglass, and was wondering if I would ever “settle down.”  The family jokes about the “perpetual student” saw me working on a doctorate through completion.  Then they all kinda said, “so when are you going to find ‘the right woman’ and settle down?”

I had figured myself out by then, and gently explained that I’m not interested in women.  About the same time, the HIV/AIDS crisis was at its peak of confusion and fright.  My Mom thought that even dating another guy would result in my contracting this disease, and dying a horrid death.  I “laid low” (that is, didn’t have sex with anyone) because I was scared, too.

But human nature being what it is, I wanted to find “the right guy,” settle down, and have a life together with a home and the proverbial picket fence, flower gardens, and a life.  I mean, a real life with someone who is your best half, your best friend; the guy who supports you through life’s trials without question or criticism, and who is the bedrock of your life.

So by my mid-30s, I began looking around.  The Internet had not yet been widely deployed to the masses.  The only options I had were to go to bars… which I didn’t like.  I could dress the part, but I turned into a pumpkin way too early (like by 9pm, even back then.)

I got the weekly gay paper and read the ads for guys looking for guys. I arranged some dates.  All duds.  I joined a skydiving club, which I truly enjoyed… but all the guys had girls and even though this was a very masculine activity, no gay masculine men were in that group.  I went hiking with some groups, and found a gay guy in one of those groups, but he was “involved” with someone else.

I kept looking.  I joined a “leather/levi MC” club (mistakenly thinking it was a motorcycle riding club) … and that’s when I met my man.  I knew from the moment we first met that “he was the one.”  The day we met is the date we refer to it being our anniversary, because we’ve been together ever since.  Seventeen-plus years, with a lifetime to go making the bootprints of our journey.  

Had I not met my partner then, I would have kept looking.  Joining groups, hanging out in straight pubs and continuing involvement in civic work.  There are gay men in these places.  They just don’t hang a sign around their neck saying, “I’m a single masculine gay man.”

This young man is interested in meeting a man to build a life, not just for sex. Believe me, a relationship with a man takes work, and isn’t all sex.

Anyway, what I advised this young man was to continue with his college career and focus on what’s best for him academically.  If that brings him to grad school in another state, that’s fine.  If getting a spot in grad school is local, then so be it.  But focus on his needs for his future career and interests first.  Get a job where you want to work and will rise each day saying, “oh goodie!  I get to go to work today!”  (Remember, if you’re unhappy at work, you will be hard to be around, and few guys will want to hang around with a miserable person.  Make yourself happy, and you’ll have more people interested in you.  No one wants to date a sadsack.)

Then once your studies and work are settled into a predictable and pleasant routine, begin looking around.  That is, provided you haven’t met someone before then.  

It happens in the most unlikely circumstances, and when you’re not looking.  Take your time, focus on your needs, and don’t obsess about it.  Good things happen to those who wait.  (And I can relate a number of stories from gay men who didn’t wait, and got into some fairly awful situations.)

Life is short:  take care of yourself, and make the priorities your life.  

It Gets Better

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A friend of mine with whom I attended school since we were in first grade posted a message on Facebook the other day, indicating how miserable she felt in high school. She’s lesbian — and I didn’t know it until later in life when we found each other again through Facebook.

She described how left out and unhappy she felt during high school. Funny, I didn’t remember that. She was the star of our high school plays. I thought she was well-liked and admired.

I remember feeling kinda badly during school, too … but not because I was gay; I didn’t know I was gay then. I just didn’t really know much about my sexual orientation. I do remember, though, being picked on by bullies and called “fag” and “queer” among other names. If I didn’t have my taller twin defending me all the time, I probably would have been dead meat.

Overall, I had a miserable junior high experience (age 12 – 14), as my father died when I was 12 and I went through puberty late. I was a meek weakling ripe for school bullies to toy with. By high school, I had become more confident and secure, mostly due to teachers who treated me with respect, by becoming involved in activities in which I assumed leadership positions, and also by serving as my brother-the-jock’s strongest cheering section.

Anyway, I’m here to say that as you get older, it does get better. It really does. You come to terms with yourself, and with others around you. Your family deals with it too, and most families, like mine, accept. I’m very happy that my family has long since moved beyond mere “acceptance” to having me feel embraced, always loved….

The following video shows two young men describing how bad the felt during high school and during their coming out process. It’s interesting to watch. Please view it. It provides assurance that I can attest to as well: it does get better.