Category Archives: partners

Reunited In The Shower

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My partner went to see his mother for Easter. He left last Thursday. My twin brother arrived that night, so initially, I was involved in catching up with him, visiting family, and going about my usual routine with grocery shopping for myself and some neighbors, and other mundane tasks.

On Saturday morning, though, I was feeling lonely and a bit melancholy. These feelings washed over me when I awoke at dawn, and did my usual schootch-to-the-right to get close to where my man usually is, but he wasn’t there. It was an subconscious action. I knew he wasn’t there. But I still did that little slide in bed as if he were.

How I missed having his warm body to snuggle close to, and his chest upon which to rest my head. I missed listening to his insights about so many things, to have someone to talk to about our lives, and with whom to be intimate. Someone who above all others, makes me feel warm, safe, and secure.

I got up, got dressed, and went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. My brother was still sleeping, and the house sounded soooooo quiet. No washer or dryer running, no pounding across the upstairs hallway while clothes were being put away and linens were changed on the bed, no bloop-bloop-a-doop of the Tivo being programmed. I went out to feed the birds and squirrels, and sat on my partner’s bench in the garden. In the rain. In the cold. I was lost in thought about someone I love very much, in one of his favorite places on Earth. (Until my brother called out the back door, “Hey! Are you crazy???” and brought me back to my senses.)

I got busy and carried on with my day, as well as on Sunday, too. I got lots of stuff done, more renovation work completed on the house, more joy shared with family… but nothing feels as empty as your heart when your bed is empty, too.

While I spoke with my partner on the phone a few times while he was away, it’s still not the same. A little catch-up about the mail or that my brother was here (and is a wuss!)… but what I missed is the ongoing banter and interaction through dialogue. It’s just not the same by phone as when your man is by your side.

When I got home from work yesterday, my partner had returned. He had already unpacked, had a load of laundry in the machine, and was taking a shower. I took off my boots, peeled off my work clothes, and stepped into the shower with him. He smiled, we embraced, kissed passionately … and….

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Meeting The Right Guy

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I have been asked from time to time how to meet a guy who has the qualities that I have described in my own partner: honesty, integrity, romance, intelligence, and terrific & tender with intimacy (not necessarily in that order!)

I am “of the age” where when I was single and looking around, the Internet was not available. Websites dedicated to social interactions and networking did not exist. The only places available to meet other guys were bars, clubs, social groups, and the workplace. We could run a personal ad in the local gay rag, but that didn’t work very well and took a long time. Or, there were occasional gay-oriented events, like rallies, trips or cruises, but those trips didn’t occur with the frequency back then with which they do now.

I know that I was exceptionally fortunate to have met my partner through a club that we both had joined for different reasons, but about the same time. The other members of the club turned out to have a lot of “issues.” My partner and I figured that out fast, left the club, but kept each other! We are approaching 16 years of true partnership, and I am thankful for each minute I have had with him.

These days, using the Internet to make first contacts is how many men meet other men. But using the Internet exclusively has severe drawbacks. I have learned from my on-line activities (blog, website, occasional posting on BOL, etc.) that a fair number of the people who respond to on-line postings have “issues.” A guy may sound normal in writing but then when you meet him, you find out that (a) he is married to a woman; (b) he has someone at home he calls a partner yet he is playing deceitfully behind his partner’s back; (c) he was smart enough to analyze your posting to repeat what you wanted to hear, but when you spoke with him one-on-one, it turns out that you have nothing in common; (d) he is demanding for sex and not much else; (e) he doesn’t have much “upstairs”, (f) he wants your money, or (g) some combination of these things.

A guy looking to meet another guy on the ‘net needs to be astute enough to know that not everyone is who he portrays himself to be. That if you do choose to meet in person, to plan the first meeting in a public place, like a restaurant or a bar, rather than invite him to your home immediately. Have a conversation before letting your libido take over your mind. Keep your mind straight — at least as straight as it can be for a gay guy — by not confounding your thought processes with drugs or alcohol. After all, meeting someone else for purposes of a longer-term relationship than a one-night stand means that you have to be able to listen and think.

While the Internet is an often-used tool to meet other guys, what I continue to observe and hear from friends is to “get out there.” Get involved in things. Find out if there are brunches or other social functions organized by a group that you would enjoy knowing better. If you enjoy playing sports, join a volleyball, softball, or other local sports team. Get involved in community or church activities. Go rock climbing or hiking with people. Join a club or group that does things you enjoy — like I do with motorcycle riding and civic groups. These days, gay men are “out there” and active in a number of groups because they like what the group does. They enjoy doing things like helping out at the shelter, singing in the choir, playing a sport, and all sorts of things.

Because gay men are more integrated than ever before in community events, activities, and sports, it is common to find that while there are a bunch of straight people in the group, there very well are gay people in it too. They are like me: they don’t wave the rainbow flag, come swishing into a room with a squeaky voice, or have an HRC sticker on their car’s bumper. That is, they generally blend in as a part of the fabric of the community, and not associate only with other gay people. After a while, though, you usually can find out (by using “gaydar” or simply asking) if a guy you like might be interested in going out with you. If you find a man you like in the group, you already have something in common, which is the activity that the group does. You already have something about which you can begin a conversation. And let me affirm that it is conversation that builds the foundation of a long-lasting quality relationship.

Getting out and involved seems to me to be one of the most overlooked “resources” for finding a mate. Yet that process is as age-old as going to the church social or the barn-building for a neighbor of years past. (And in years past, that is how a lot of gay men actually met each other because they never could think of revealing their sexual orientation.)

Keep at it, keep looking, and know in your heart that if you really want to meet that special man, there are guys out there that you will like and who will like you as well as be compatible in bed. But I know it doesn’t happen like it happened with me but once in a blue moon. But it can happen. It does happen. Think positively, keep looking, keep true to yourself and your convictions. And also: keep smiling! Nobody likes a man who scowls.

Life is short. Spending it with someone who will remember your name and forgive you when you put your right boot on your left foot when you’re 70 is worth it. 🙂

Pennsylvania Connections

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My partner loves to sit in our gardens in the back yard and relax. He watches the birds flutter around the feeder, the squirrels play “catch me if you can,” and soak in the marvels of Mother Nature in her glory. He worked very hard to make our backyard retreat the quiet, soothing, comfortable place that it is. He says that in some ways, it reminds him of “backwoods” where he grew up, in Western Pennsylvania.

I joined him on a bench back in our backyard retreat the other day. This was one of those times where we sat, relaxed, and had a quiet conversation. During that particular chat, I spoke about some guys I have gotten to know who also have connections with his home state.

My best friend, AZ, was born in the same hospital where my partner was (albeit a decade later), and lived in Pennsylvania for quite a while until he moved for a new start on a new life in Arizona, where he is well-settled and happy. My partner knows all about AZ, as we have talked about him and our friendship a lot. My partner appreciates that AZ and I have such a strong bond of friendship, because he knows that AZ is a quality man.

Within the last year, I have “met” (via email) two other fine men from Pennsylvania. I choose not to reveal too much about them out of respect for their privacy. But I can say a little bit.

One guy lives and works in the central part of the state. He has a responsible position with a well-respected employer. He travels a lot. He likes boots, but admits that his boot-wearing has been limited to a few favorite pairs. He travels a lot for his job. He is really smart and introspective. He is gay, but lives a quiet life and has kept his interests in other men pretty much to himself. Lately he has begun the process of coming out by getting involved in groups and meeting people. He has told me that my blog has helped him be more comfortable with being himself and who he is as gay man. I have learned a lot from him, and really enjoy our frequent email exchanges and discussions.

Another guy lives with his partner in Western PA. He comes from a strong, supportive family. He also has done a lot of civic work in helping to protect and care for his small town and surrounding areas. He likes boots, too, but usually only wears them casually (and he is quite attractive in his Wranglers and boots!) He works in a specialty field but in a corporate environment. He travels a lot, too. We have exchanged many emails and some phone calls, and I have learned a lot about his qualities, intelligence, wit, and charm. His nature of being a confident, masculine man has helped reaffirm much for me, as our outlooks on the nature of “gaydom” are identical.

I have blogged about some of the conversations I have had with these friends. What brought us together, perhaps, was a mutual interest in boots, but what built bonds of friendship with all of these guys is more than that. We have mutual interests and outlooks on life. It is not surprising that we have formed solid friendships. These guys are down-to-earth, intelligent, thoughtful, and pleasant men who have a lot to share. They know how to be a good friend. They are forgiving of my occasional lapses in communication. They ask insightful questions. They give support when they sense it’s needed (and they are quite able to sense that need without my having to say so.)

As I was having that conversation in our garden with my partner, he remarked to me — and he’s right — there’s something about those Pennsylvania connections. Sure, I have friends here at home in Maryland and all around the world. I treasure, though, my “PA Connections” which first brought me my partner, and ongoing have introduced me to quality men who have brought joy, calm, and fun to my life. Thanks, guys!

Leatherman Transformation

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How it is when I get home from work and don’t have to go to an evening meeting.

And yeah, I built the shelves in the background and my partner finished them. Since I built our house, we put in a lot of built-in features throughout, which makes it comfortable, livable, and practical. People have asked, “where do you store all those boots?” When you build your own house, you plan for storage, so the boot closet was part of what we constructed, as well.

Of the many reasons why I love my partner, two things come to mind: he enjoys and welcomes my many “leatherman transformations” at home, even if he isn’t into leather and boots as I am. Second, he supported my decision to take a five-month leave-of-absence from my old job when I was building our house and developing out our small neighborhood, and provided me the financial and emotional support I required during that process. I’ll never, ever, do that again (dealing with the bureaucracy in developing a small neighborhood took five years and cause me to turn gray among other things), but I couldn’t have done it without his partnership, love, and all those many back-rubs.

Life is short: wear your boots and leather!

Tears of Romance

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My partner is such a romantic guy.

I had a hectic day at work yesterday, with one thing after another going on. Nothing was wrong, but I didn’t have a break all day. Then after work, I dropped by that house I am renovating to put in another hour of electrical work while it was still daylight. (The house doesn’t have the power turned on, so I have to work when I can see what I’m doing.)

When I got home, I changed out of my dirty jeans into some leather, just ’cause. I then got to work preparing dinner for my partner and me.

As I was preparing our meal, I heard the door open in the basement, then close. I saw my partner out in the back yard. I didn’t think much about it, because he likes to stroll in the gardens.

I was absorbed in my cooking tasks, and heard a noise. I looked up, and there was my partner, reaching toward me with a huge bunch of daffodils cut from our garden. He smiled, handed me the flowers, and said those three simple but powerful words, “I love you.”

My reaction was to smile, embrace him, and then feel tears stream down my face. The tears welled up because my partner still brings me flowers and shows he loves me … after all these years. I have such deep, true passionate love for my one-and-only. He is such a romantic man. I am so richly blessed to have someone in my life who loves me so deeply.

Life is short: show those that you love that you love them!

Closet Cases

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A “closet case” is defined as follows:

Derogatory term for someone who is homosexual but refuses to admit it to himself or to associate with other homosexuals. Usually he publicly and vigorously denounces homosexuals, both in an attempt to camouflage his sexual preference and as a reflection of the inner conflict he has with his own desires.

It can also be used is a slightly less derogatory way for a homosexual who is unusually careful to prevent family, friends and co-workers from discovering his homosexuality. He will, for example, refuse to live with a male partner, and may keep a phony girl friend.

I can relate in a way. In my previous job, I had a number of supervisors who were retired from the military. Historically, active and retired military are notorious for being homophobic, and several of my former supervisors proved the point. I knew that if they really knew that I was gay and lived with a man, my life at work would be hell. So I never revealed my sexual orientation. It wasn’t anyone’s business. And being a big bad booted biker, commuting on my Harley to work, that image and my usual masculine behavior diverted attention. I kept my home life at home and my work life at work, and tried hard to keep the two separated.

There are many, many men who live in a situation where they fear that revealing their sexual orientation to others will bring pain and mental anguish. Even indicating that they prefer the company of men over women can put them in a bad spot.

But some of them overreact. They assume an identity that is hypermasculine. They share wild tales of (female) sexual exploits that are purely concoctions of the mind and diversions for others. Some make up families and tell tales of married life. Some have jobs in fields where macho-bravado is the norm, such as construction trades, law enforcement, firefighting, the oil industry, and so on — so they tell stories (lies) that fulfill the image of the masculine man in that job.

However, when they’re alone, they visit various websites such as Recon, Gearfetish, Boots on Line, and others as voyeurs (sometimes called lurkers). They may have a clandestine rendezvous with another guy. But they would never admit to anyone else — family, friends, and especially co-workers — their true feelings and sexual orientation or preferences.

While I understand situations that people get into where they fear negative repercussions from being “out” or revealing their sexual orientation, I feel badly and sad for them. I know how it hurts. I know the feelings of anxiety, and like one is living a constant lie. The inner turmoil continues ad naseum.

Some men in this situation and who feel that ongoing anxiety react quite negatively toward someone — like me — who has completely “come out” and is comfortable with it. Yes, I am very fortunate that my current employer isn’t filled with homophobes. I just got a major promotion over many others that I would not have gotten if homophobia were the indiginous thought pattern.

I regret that some “closet cases” feel that they have to lash out when their repressed thoughts and anger erupts, and they feel that they have to write nasty, childish comments in reply to something that confident masculine gay men may write or say. And, typically, guys who write those silly comments do not provide a way to reach them by e-mail. They just hide behind their computer and behave like grade school bullies taunting someone. Well, “sticks and stones” and all that. I have looooong gotten over feeling hurt by such attacks. Rather, I feel sorry for those guys, and pray for them. God loves ’em anyway, even if they can’t love themselves.

Let me say once again that I realize that my personal situation is not that common. I have “grown up” to be a confident, mature masculine man. It took a long time to relax and “be myself.” I live in a community that accepts me for who I am. I am employed by a company that respects my skills and knowledge, and doesn’t judge me because I’m gay. I belong to groups and organizations where I do a variety of things, from performing repairs to improve home liveability for seniors to leading the charge against rampant development without adequate infrastructure to riding motorcycles with groups. I am fortunate that the community where I was born has evolved into being open, accepting. It has a mature sense of “live and let live.” That’s why my partner and I built our home in Maryland where I grew up, because where he lived — Virginia — was much less accepting of “us” as “us” and has become even more hatefully homophobic-by-law.

To summarize: I do not think that people who chose to live in the closet (that is, not publicly reveal their sexual orientation) are bad. I realize that for various reasons (employment, family, geographic location, etc.), they can not be more open with others and honest with themselves. I do ask that as I respect their situation, that they respect mine: that I am a masculine man who likes to wear boots and leather, rides a motorcycle, gets involved in civic life, and who doesn’t cloak his sexual orientation. There is room in this world for all of us. Live your life and I’ll live mine. (But keep the silly comments to yourself.)

Life is short: be true to yourself. No one else knows you better.

Quality Men

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Qual-i-ty: [kwol-i-tee] noun, plural -ties, adjective

1. an essential or distinctive characteristic, property, or attribute
2. character with respect to fineness, or grade of excellence

Thanks, Mr. Webster. You have defined a word that characterizes some people who I admire: for their quality. They say that if you surround yourself with people of quality, then you can’t help but be improved in many ways.

I am exceptionally fortunate to have many quality men in my life, including:

  • My partner — a fine, upstanding, thoughtful and honest man who carries himself as an ongoing demonstration of what a quality man should be.

  • My brothers — all are of superb quality in their respective lives, relationships with their families, and with me.

  • My “eighth brother” who also goes by “AZ” — you know from just watching him that he is quality personified.

  • My boot twin, Clay — who has many qualities of caring, thoughtfulness, and upstanding character that one can’t help but admire.

  • Friends I grew up with — I maintained friendships for more than 45 years with some of these guys. Why? They add quality to my life, because they are quality guys.

  • Friends who I have more recently met — these quality guys have reached out to me via email. They have an astute sense of what composes quality, I guess, as they sent me a message and we began having conversations. I have much to learn from them, as their intelligence is one indicator of their quality.

  • Mentors and civic leaders — many have helped me over the years to learn and be better at what I do, both at work and in my civic life. A sign of quality is for someone to spend time with someone else who wants to learn. I have benefited greatly from those who share so much.

  • While my father is no longer among the living, I can’t make a statement about quality men without listing him as well. His qualities were numerous, and many people, including me, benefited tremendously from sharing time with him.

There are men of all shapes, sizes, colors, and so on. It is fairly easy to know if you’re communicating with a quality man. I am so richly blessed to build relationships with quality men who influence me to be the man I am. Thanks, guys!

Life is short: surround yourself with quality, and you can’t help but be a better man.

Leather Up!

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Isn’t my partner a hunk? I always feel that way, but I’m biased.

I was rooting through my leather gear closet on Monday morning, looking for a pair of naked leather (unlined) jeans. I put on the pair that I pulled out first. I discovered that these jeans weren’t fitting, and I was wondering why. I just wore them last week! When I looked more closely, I found the jeans that I pulled out were about 20 years old and smaller in the waist than I ordinarily wear. I have a newer pair of naked leather jeans that fit me better. Those were the jeans I had on last week.

I brought the older jeans to my partner and asked if he would try them on. The jeans fit him well! No surprise; he always wears leather well.

Here’s a picture of the two of us that was taken with the camera’s self-timer on Monday morning. We stayed in our leather all day.

During the day, my partner went to a store that specializes in produce to get some fresh fruit. He said that one guy asked him about the jeans. His reply was, “I don’t know where they came from. My partner gave them to me.” (They were bought at Mr. S in San Francisco back when Mr. S had affordable leather gear.)

When my partner left to go to the store, I went to the homes of three “elder buds” to compute tax returns for them. After that, I took one of them to a grocery store. No one said anything about the leather. They rarely do.

Anyway, we had a “leather Monday” for our President’s Day Holiday. Nice way to spend the day!

Life is short: wear your boots and your leather!

Our Song

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Photo above is our little chef, Guido, who helped us bake a huge batch of heart-shaped sugar cookies on Valentines Day.

Every couple in love has an “our song.” A song that was popular when you were dating or during your courtship that brings special memories and has a sweet sentiment.

Below are the words to “our” song — the song I put on the stereo, rest my head on my partner’s strong shoulder, (and clomp on my partner’s feet ’cause I just can’t dance) while we slowly turn. This is a residual from last night, Valentine’s night, spent with my one and only. We wouldn’t have it any other way. (You will have to hum the tune in your head; I couldn’t find it free or legal on the ‘net).

I Love The Way You Love Me by John Michael Montgomery

I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my hair
And how your scent lingers even when you’re not there
And I like the way your eyes dance when you laugh
And how you enjoy your two hour bath
And how you convinced me to dance in the rain
With everyone watching like we were insane

CHORUS

But I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I Love the way you love me

I like to imitate ol’ Jerry Lee
And the cue of your eyes
When I’m slightly off key
And I like the innocent way that you cry
At sappy old movies you’ve seen hundreds of times

CHORUS

And I could list a million things
I love to like about you
But they all come to one reason
I could never live without you

I love the way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the way you love me

Oh Baby, I love the way you love me

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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My partner is such a romantic. He loves Valentine’s Day; it’s his favorite day of the year.

Wednesday, he brought home some special baking goodies so I can make treats for the both of us this weekend. Thursday, he brought me a bouquet of flowers — a lot of ’em, including a dozen red roses. Awww… he’s so romantic.

Friday night after I got home from the family dinner, he was waiting for me in chaps & boots no less… ahem, let’s say the lights were out and we had no reason to turn them on — we just turned each other on! (whew!)

Today, Valentine’s Day, began with a warm, cozy, sensual snuggle as we awoke and looked out the windows to watch the sun rise, the birds come awake, and the squirrels begin to do their morning calisthenics.

Then he rolled over, and handed me such a sweet card that brought tears to my eyes. He has done that before, so I was prepared and handed him a special card that I got for him, too. He sniffed; I think I hit his sweet spot with the sentiment written in the card. We snuggled some more, comfy in each other’s arms.

We finally got up, and I had some things to do on the computer for community-related things really early. Now that those tasks are done and this blog post was written, I will go to our kitchen to prepare my studly hunk a wonderful, hearty waffle breakfast. I’ll put a chocolate-covered strawberry on top to surprise him.

It is going to be a great day. I’m sure my partner will make it so. He so enjoys being romantic, and I enjoy returning the love to my sweetie. How wonderful is that… after all these years? Love remains alive, fun, and deep between my guy and me.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!