Post 1200 and other news

More quickly than I thought, I have reached the 1,200th post on this blog — pretty good since I’ve only been writing and posting on this blog since January, 2008. I have followed other blogs and am disappointed when they stop, as many of them have. I give kudos to fellow blogger Roland who started a blog a few months after I did, and keeps at it. Way to go, Roland! WescoBear blogs often, too, but I have stopped visiting his blog because I won’t sit through advertising to read it.

I understand why bloggers stop blogging — it takes a concerted effort to think of new content and to write new material — and for me, to write and post every day. I have welcomed the occasional guest blog post, and remain open to more guest posts that have to do with boots, leather, biker gear, motorcycle riding, and being a normal, sensible, rational, monogamously partnered gay man among the mixed and unwashed masses (giggle.)

Speaking of the partner … a news update. He and I saw his neurosurgeon. Yes, he has a brain tumor. No, it’s not malignant. Yes, he will require surgery. No, not now. I will be administering some treatments as his doctor showed me to reduce the acoustic neuroma behind his left ear, and then the doc will take it out in September. Wish partner well. Having brain surgery is a scary thought, though it could have been worse.

Life is short: keep blogging and care for those you love by showing them how you care by doing something for them.

Oops, Our Mistake

This is one of those frustrations that gay couples encounter … a true story … just happened to us.

Many years ago, I set up a small company that handles my rental properties and the costs associated with renovating and maintaining them. When my partner and I became a couple, we went through the legal shenanigans to have him added on as a co-owner of the company, so that if anything should happen to me, he will have ownership rights without having to have the company’s assets go through probate.

Two weeks ago, I bought a small house to renovate and make available to a community hero. The company handled the transaction. However, late yesterday afternoon, I had to take care of some legal work related to it, and to make sure that my partner’s name was shown on the company’s filing for the title to the house. I went to the courthouse on what I thought would be a routine matter.

When I was filing that form, the clerk looked at it and said, “the company co-owner box can’t be marked “male” if the owner’s box is marked “male.”

Huh?

Turns out that old habits die hard, and when computer systems are set up for defaults, it presumes that properties cannot be owned by a same-sex couple if the primary “owner” is an entity like a small business.

I know this is complicated, but it points out that there still are some old assumptions that pervade computer systems — and as we all know, “garbage in = garbage out.”

The clerk was very good about it, apologized, and called a supervisor over who looked at it, apologized again, and promised to get an I.T. tech to fix it permanently. I just wonder how I could be the first person to encounter this situation.

Oh well, no harm, no foul. It’s all legal. Now, to move on to get the renovations completed so I can concentrate on my partner’s well-being and care.

Life is short: make sure legal matters are accurate.

Preparing

When one has a major medical issue, such as my partner’s brain tumor, one has to hope for the best while preparing for the worst. We’ll know on Monday when he and I go to see a neurosurgeon who will interpret results of an MRI and biopsy, and advise next steps.

Meanwhile, we’re taking all preparedness actions that we have to take, which includes little things like having access to on-line banking for personal accounts to big things like legal matters — updating a will and stuff like that which we don’t want to think about, but must….

Having legal docs in place is so incredibly important, especially for gay couples who are seen as strangers to each other by the law. Medical proxies, Advanced Directives, Powers of Attorney, and a will with a codicil is important for anyone to have, but especially for gay couples. We have those documents in place, but my partner wants to update his will, which we will do this weekend.

Gosh, this is an incredibly difficult time, as we hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That type of thinking comes from my professional background, but applies directly to our personal lives as well.

Life is short: think happy… but be prepared.

Caring for the One I Love Redux

I’m having trouble keeping up with email and tons of love shown on Facebook, so let me give a quick update: my partner’s initial diagnosis indicates a non-cancerous brain tumor. We meet with a neurosurgeon next week to determine next steps, which probably means surgery.

I am looking on the bright side: it’s not cancer, and he is not in pain. In fact, he asked for some of my famous homemade chicken soup for dinner — a recipe that one of our family’s favorite uncles was well-known for.

The hospital staff and physicians were very good to both of us. While we have legal paperwork in place so that I could formally advocate for him if I had to, we didn’t have to produce that. They treated me as his spouse and consulted with me that way.

More to come… but pardon me for a break, as I’m caring for the one I love. Each minute is precious.

Remember: life is short … show those you love that you love them.

Caring for the One I Love

My beloved partner hasn’t been well … long story, and I don’t want to get into much detail, but today perhaps we will find out what’s going on as he has exploratory brain surgery to explore what’s up. Mood swings, left ear deafness, severe tinnitus — all indicators of a brain tumor. A CT scan picked up a shadow. Blood tests reveal nothing related to cancer, thank goodness.

An MRI-led biopsy will be performed today. We don’t expect to get the results until he sees his doctor later this week. Meanwhile, we’re hoping and praying that a resolution can be found for this severe health crisis.

I’ll post again when we know what’s up. Meanwhile, your kind thoughts and prayers will be appreciated.

As I often say: life is short; show those you love that you love them. Each day with the one you love is a precious gift.

18 Years and Going Strong

Today marks our 18th anniversary … yep, my beloved partner and I have been joined at the heart for 18 years now, going strong, loving life, and each other.

The tune, “If There Hadn’t Been You” by Billy Dean (released in 1991) makes many points in its lyrics and hauntingly beautiful melody that means much to me, speaks of our relationship, and sounds like what I would say. Seriously, I truly believe that I would have been lost and incomplete if it had not been for the loving graces of my partner and what he has done for me.

Read the lyrics, then play the video embedded below and have a listen. Share our love.

“If There Hadn’t Been You” ©1991 by Billy Dean

A man filled with doubt, down and out and so alone.
A ship tossed and turned; lost and yearning for a home.
A survivor, barely surviving; not really sure of his next move.
All of this, I would have been, if there hadn’t been you.

[refrain]

If there hadn’t been you, where would I be?
If there hadn’t been you here for me?
I made it through times
I never would’ve made it through.
If there hadn’t been you.

A man filled with hope who finally knows where he belongs.
A heart filled with love more than enough to keep it strong.
A life that’s alive again, no longer afraid to face the truth.
All of this, I would have missed, if there hadn’t been you.

If there hadn’t been you, where would I be?
If there hadn’t been you here for me?
I made it through times
I never would’ve made it through.

If there hadn’t been you on my side,
You In my life,
All my dreams would still be dreams,
If there hadn’t been you.

All my dreams would still be dreams,
If there hadn’t been you.

Happy Anniversary to my best half, my best friend, and the love of my life. 🙂

Marriage Is Postponed

I was deeply saddened, but to be honest, not surprised, that the bill in my home state of Maryland that would afford my partner and me, and all same-sex loving couples in my state, the ability to marry, was referred back to Committee on Friday, March 11, by our state’s House of Quivering Delegates. That action (or inaction) effectively killed it for the year.

There were many articles about this decision that appeared in various media outlets and political blogs. I also read many messages about it from some Delegates who represent areas of the county where my partner and I have our home.

The only good news, if there is good news, is that the bill was referred back to Committee, so it can come up again in the House next year and not have to be re-introduced and go through our State Senate again. Just because it passed in our Senate this year doesn’t mean that it will next year. Elected leaders change minds sometimes.

After reading through the wailing and the political stuff, what became apparent is that the reason why the bill didn’t pass our House of Delegates was last-minute pressure put on Delegates who serve a county south of us, whose population is predominantly African American, many of whom belong to organized megachurches. While this bill was never a religious matter — in fact it’s title and content called it, “Religious Freedom and Protection” because it clearly stated that a religious institution did not have to conduct same-sex marriages if it didn’t want to — nonetheless, the members of what the media describes as “Black Megachurches” became active on the matter when our State Senate passed the bill. The church members took that action as a “wake-up call” and began calling and visiting their Delegates, telling them to oppose the bill.

This puzzled me, but after looking into it, and with the help of a good friend who is much more knowledgable on these issues than I am, I learned what happened and why it happened. My friend wrote me an explanative piece which I would like to feature, below, as a guest blog post. Read on.

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I had very high hopes for a positive outcome and it saddens me that once again our rights have been denied in the name of Christianity. I have to remember that the fight for civil rights is an ongoing struggle. Thanks for thinking of me as you wrestle with this matter. As one who grew up in the black church and with family members who have been very active and have led churches, I think I can shed some light. There are several points that come to mind.

By and large, black churches are represented by evangelical denominations that focus on a literal and conservative interpretation of the Bible and believe the words written there were not influenced by those societies and are timeless.

Historically, Baptist and Methodist denominations have been most influential in establishing black churches throughout the country from the era of slavery through Jim Crow. Maryland, Virginia, and other southern states with large slave populations were fertile grounds to these denominations. In my experience, these dominations believe in a literal Biblical interpretation. Each will point to the clobber passages, the verses about Sodom and Gamorrah, and Paul’s writing in the New Testament to say that homosexuality is a sin. Combine that with the evangelical position that to be a true Christian you must denounce sin and ask God to change your sinful nature, you have a recipe that doesn’t allow room for the consideration that homosexuality is another variant of human sexuality, and no more or less sinful than heterosexuality. Once you are baptized, by full immersion, you are a “new creature” who is expected to reject your sinful past and embraces everything holy.

When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, it used to be common practice for churches to require young women who became pregnant out of wedlock, to come to the front of the church to apologize to the congregation for ther sin. In fact, about 10 years ago a cousin my age did just that at the church her father pastored in Tennessee. It was only after she did so that she was considered to be fully repentant of that sin. I’m sure my uncle took that memory to his grave feeling that he could rest easily. So, it’s not that homosexuality is a greater sin than any other, it’s just that, like pregnancy out of wedlock, it’s readily observable, easily identified, and in the mind of the devoute, the result of willful behavior.

I give that example to show the conservative nature of many black churches in rigid belief systems that tend to make no allowance for any position that does not fit squarely into what a literal interpretation of the Bible affords. It’s not just their belief that we as gays are sinners, but that we’re unrepentant sinners that forces them to fight so diligently against our rights. They truly believe that if we just stop the sinning, there will be no need for special rights and considerations.

This rigid belief system makes them very easy prey to the exploitations of organizations like NOM, Focus on the Family, and others like them. Because, at the end of the day, this only became an issue for the black churches to become involved in at 11th hour. This is not a platform that black churches routinely focus upon. Employment, education, and adequate health care in the black community are the issues of greatest interest and need. The megachurches no doubt were willing to enter the fray given their view of the role of civil government. According to the website of Metropolitan Baptist Church, a black megachurch in that area, “We believe that civil government is of divine appointment, for the interests and good order of human society (1); and that magistrates are to be prayed for, conscientiously honored and obeyed (2); except only in things opposed to the will of our Lord Jesus Christ (3) who is the only Lord of the conscience, and the Prince of the kings of the earth (4).” I’m sure the anti-gay organizations played upon this to elicit their support.

What LGBT organizations have to learn is that marriage equality will never be seen by these types of black churches as a civil rights issue until they can demonstrate that black LGBT families suffer disproportionately when these rights are not preserved.

Marriage says to my employer that my spouse is covered by my health benefits with no questions asked. Even a progressive employer might provide benefits for my partner, but as you know, they’re taxed. That represents less money for basic necessities for your family. Couple that with the fact that black households typically earn less than white households, you begin to demonstrate the unfairness that not having marriage equality produces.

I took a look at the website of your state’s LGBT-serving organization and my suspicions were confirmed. They suffer from a lack of diversity that make them appear to be an organization interested only in the rights of middle and upper middle class white gays and lesbians — a population that’s very foreign to the black church community. So, at first glance, gay marriage is not a issue of concern for the black community.

The role of the black megachurches in Maryland can be seen as comparable to the Jerry Falwell Christian Right of the Reagan era. The Maryland Delegates were no fools in not ignoring their voices. Megachurches have million dollar budgets and the loyal financial support of thousands of congregants. The black church teaches the principle of tithing. So, devout members regardless of income, willingly offer 10 percent of earnings each Sunday morning. The message to a Delegate is that he can either listen to this voice, or be replaced in the next election by someone who will. Harry Jackson has said as much in a recent statement.

So, where does this leave us? Will the black church move to a more inclusive stance? It’s doubtful as long as it holds steadfastly to its evangelical stance. I wrote to you earlier this year that I have become an Episcopalian. In addition to being a gay affirming and welcoming denomination, for the most part, the church’s history of facing and working through its race, LGBT, and gender issues is very appealing to me. There will be hope for black churches when they go the same exercise and realize that welcoming those who only look, think, and behave like you isn’t what you’ve been called upon to do. Many seem to have forgotten that those Jesus associated with were those on the fringes of society…tax collectors, lepers, non-Jews, and women. And those he had the harshest lessons for were the religious.

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[BHD back again]: I should point out that it is not “all” Black churches or clergy in my state who oppose same-sex marriage. Several brave clergy members representing those churches stood up to be counted and made impassioned pleas on behalf of those of us who are gay. However, there were not enough of them, and the majority (closed-minded) opinion won the day.

I appreciate my friend’s knowledge and insights which help me to understand what needs to be done next year. The battle ain’t over by a long shot, and some day, I will stand in a civil proceeding in my state and look my partner in the eye, and say, “I Do.”

Life is short: let us marry.

Gay Dude in a Huge Family

I have written some blog posts from time to time about being gay, being the only gay sibling in a large family, and about my family in general. I received a few email messages this week inquiring what it is like to be in this type of family, and one asked, “what’s like to be a gay dude in a huge family?”

While I have talked about that before, I will approach this question again from a renewed perspective, and try not to repeat myself (too much.)

First of all, I did not know that families were any different from mine. Think about it — when you are born, all you know is your own family and how it functions is just how things are. You do not realize that families are different until you get a bit older and spend significant time at a friend’s home, or have to change living arrangements due to death, divorce, abuse, or other factors.

I was born #14 among 15 siblings. My twin brother being four minutes younger (I’ll never let him forget! LOL!), that means that J and I were last. That also means, then, that 13 other rug rats were tearing up the place long before we popped out of Mom’s womb. So how things “worked” and “who did what to whom and when” as well as all the usual routines of our home had long been established before J and I were born.

My father also comes from a very large family. He had 21 siblings (yeah, 22 kids in one family from the same two parents, believe it or not!) My Dad loved large families, and my Mom was fertile… so… ta-dah! Here we all are.

My life as I was growing up was, as far as I knew, quite normal. It was only later in life that I realized that my family life was not comparable to the family life that my friends had.

Each of us kids were treated as unique individuals. We had our own bedrooms, clothing, and preferences for things to eat and friends to play with. We never were forced to wear “hand-me-downs” or share bedrooms or birthdays, for that matter. Our parents wanted us to be individuals, and we were treated that way. I understand, upon reflection, that this was quite unusual as well.

I have written before on this blog that I didn’t know that I was gay until much later in life — when I reached my mid-20s. I’m not like one of those kids you see on popular TV shows who is out to everyone at a much younger age.

When I lived at home with my family, I didn’t experiment sexually with anyone. To my knowledge, neither did my twin brother. The “house rules” said that we couldn’t bring anyone home to “sleep with.” While J and I tested the house rules on other matters, we never did on that one.

J would date various girls in high school, and I went on dates, too. I knew, even back then, that J’s dates were much more “involved” while mine were strictly platonic. That is, J would “make out” with his girl-of-the-night while I would be more of a friendly kinda guy, but never put myself in a situation where “making out” was expected. I didn’t date girls who expected that, either (or so I thought.)

What I’m saying is that even back in high school, I behaved in ways to avoid sexual interactions — even the most simple (i.e., “first base”) with females — because something inside me kept telling me that I really wasn’t interested. Further, I knew I liked guys better, but didn’t know why. I would find myself hanging out with other guys just to watch them, see their Frye boots, and admire. Not act on anything… just watch. Now that I am older, I realize what I was doing — gay voyeuring. At the time, I had no clue in my conscious mind that I was interested in guys as something else other than just as friends.

Further, my twin was tall, dark, and handsome, and developed early. I was short, klutzy, and funny-lookin’, and developed late. I think the fact that our physical development was significantly different, it had something to do with why J became quite a “ladies man” and I was the “left-out kid,” but I am under orders from my twin brother not to discuss these differences further, as he thinks I am putting myself down while I truly felt out-of-place and dorky.

When I realized that I was gay, the first person that I “came out” to was my twin brother. His reaction: “dude, I’ve known that for years. Tell me something new.” I wasn’t expecting that reaction. I then began to tell my siblings, and my Mom (by then, my Dad had died).

Each of my siblings took the news differently. The older sibs who were married and who are practicing Catholics had the most difficulty with the news. Some of my other siblings said, “no big deal” while others said, “are you sure?” or “how do you know?” or “did (female name) just dump you and now you want to give up on women?”

I think my Mom took it the hardest. She had figured out that I wasn’t quite the same in how I related to women … and dating … and sex. But she really only began to understand and accept that I was gay when I brought the man who I call my partner home to meet her for the first time. She knew… she could tell… I was in love!

Various family members adjusted to knowing that their brother was gay over time. Some did right away, like J did, and some took years. My Mom researched and studied, talked to others, and listened. Fortunately, she didn’t have some crackpot church trying to tell her that I was living in a “deadly lifestyle” and stuff like that.

I was also happy that my Mom accepted my partner after a few years, because she realized that he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life, and love me unconditionally. Isn’t that what parents want for a spouse for their children — someone to take care of their child? My Mom and my partner grew to love each other, and I am so happy that happened, because my Mom died just five years after I met my partner, so the time to develop that relationship was limited.

I think what made things work out and facilitate healthy adult relationships with my siblings is that fundamentally, all of my siblings and I loved and respected each other from Day 1. Our parents demanded that we behave as a family and support one another — and we did. Sure, mostly due to age differences, we look at things differently. Some of my siblings are more conservative, often due to influences of their respective spouses. I get it.

I have been “fully out” to my family for about 30 years. It took some of them several years to “get over it” but now they don’t think a thing about my sexual orientation. I laugh and enjoy their kids, and now their grandkids, like any uncle would. I see them frequently, and they come to see me. We have dinner together (most of us, at least, who still live in Maryland) once each week. When I go on a business trip that may bring me close to any of them, I definitely take time to see them. And vice-versa.

After all, as they say: blood is thicker than water. I am truly blessed that my family functions well, loves each other, and sticks together through thick and thin and for all the right reasons — regardless that one of their brothers is gay and lives in a same-sex relationship.

I know that I am fortunate, as several people have told me that their families have not been as supportive, accepting, or tolerant. I credit my parents for those characteristics which they taught to us from Day 1.

…and some day, I’ll tell you about my first cousins–all 169 of them. Yes, I know who all of them are. But as I said, that’s a different story for a different time.

Life is short: understand your family, and embrace them!

Spunk

I have finally coined the term that I will call my partner when we marry:  my spunk.  LOL!  … it can mean so much, so those of you with dirty minds require an explanation:

Spouse + Hunk = Spunk.

That simple… means so much and says quite a lot, while giving some innuendo, as well.  🙂

*Note, if you’re late into this, my state’s legislature may (emphasis added) pass a bill legalizing same-sex marriage, and our governor has promised to sign it. However, the nay-saying negative noodles who live in fear and hatred are threatening to petition the law to referendum, so we’ll have to wait until the referendum is defeated in November, 2012, to finally have permission to have our relationship achieve the same status of my siblings’ relationships with their respective spouses. So this battle ain’t won by a long shot, but we’re closer than ever before.

Life is short:  have spunk!

Back to Reality

My brief visit to a warm, tropical island is over.  My return home was uneventful, but (as usual), delayed.  And by a new-to-me reason:  the gate from which my connecting flight was to take off had been set up for international flights, and they had not set it back to handle a domestic flight, so my flight was a half-hour late in taking off.  Oh brother… gotta love it, or go nuts otherwise.

I rolled in the door at midnight on Friday night, and found my partner waiting up for me.  We crawled into bed and dropped into deep slumber.  We didn’t awake until quite late — 7:30am — almost two hours later than usual!  We snuggled closely, held one another, and caught up with each other.

My partner told me that during my absence, our State Senate passed a bill to make it legal for same-sex couples to get married.  The bill is now before our state’s House of Delegates, and is expected to pass.  However, there will be more political fall-de-rall by the conservative negative noodles, so we haven’t won … yet.  More work to do. (I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I already knew, having read about it from various emails and updates on Facebook and such.)

I rose, showered and dressed (in leather and boots again, yippie!)… and prepared a big breakfast.  Then I went about attending to the needs of my senior pals.  We had fun shopping, visiting, and allowing me to make some repairs in their homes of things like a leaky faucet and a broken door hinge.

I came home to have lunch with my partner. After lunch, my partner and I went to my aunt’s condo to finish cleaning it out.  It didn’t take too long … and now after a final trip to the dump, the place is all empty. It echoes like the hole in my heart. While I miss my aunt, I know that I did all that I could to make her last years safe and happy, as best they could be considering her frail health and Alzheimer’s condition.

I prepared a great dinner of fresh fish, then afterwords, the evening found me snuggled again with my partner.  We listened to the piano and relaxed, holding each other close. Reunions are so sweet in the arms of the man I love.

Life is short:  enjoy every minute!