Overcoming Gay Male Stereotypes

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One of the most viewed posts on this blog is my post titled, “Where Do You Find Masculine Gay Guys?”. It was posted on July 10, 2009, and search engines direct about 20 visitors to it each week.

Someone recently posted a comment to that post anonymously. While he didn’t include his name, I kept the comment because what he said was interesting to me and contributed to the content of what the post was about. He said:

I like what you wrote and I’m glad you found someone. I’m still looking, but I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not. I’m not into gay acting guys. They’re cool and everything, but I kind of want someone that I am more of buddies with but having a relationship as well. It’s so hard to find. I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren’t many places to go. You’re right though. When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there and I’m afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy. The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I’m in denial, I just don’t want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time. I guess I wouldn’t mind if it was just the music, but if I want a guy that acts girly then I’ll date a girl. Good site though. Thanks.

I wish to comment about some things he said.

  • I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not

    I could probably make some quip starting with, “if you have to ask…” but that wouldn’t be nice. Generally, I have found in my experience, if you hang out with a guy and get along very well, then enjoy the company and the things you do together. Okay, you want to have a relationship beyond being buddies that includes intimacy. There are ways to figure that out.

    How does he look at you? How does he respond to touch? I’m not saying groping his crotch, but does he touch you like placing an arm around your shoulder, or accept that in return? Does his hand linger when you shake hands? What about his physical proximity to you? That is, does he sit close, or side-by-side? Is he comfortable with physical closeness such as being seated on a sofa with legs touching?

    In my opinion, the more a guy accepts being physically close, the more likely he is to accept an interest on a more intimate level. I agree, though, sometimes you have to be more direct about it. Rather than blurt out, “are you gay?” — I suggest you talk about yourself. At the right time in the right setting, tell him that you like guys, or more boldly, come out of the closet and explain that you’re gay. If he is gay, he’ll admit it. If he is not, but is your friend, he will say something like, “I’m not” and as long as you don’t get aggressive in your behavior, he will remain your friend.

  • I’m not into gay-acting guys.

    Oh goodness, here we go again. I’ll say this once more: not all gay men act the same way. “Gay Acting” is a social stereotype, and nothing more. Get over it. What you don’t like is a gay man who displays effeminate behavior. Okay, I understand that. I don’t either. So don’t go for what you don’t like.

  • I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren’t many places to go

    Having lived in a very rural area of Oklahoma for a while, I understand this point, too. As I said in my original blog post: you won’t find that many masculine gay men in profiles on the internet. Why is that? In my opinion, masculine gay men are secure in themselves and don’t advertise for mates — though some do on some gay dating or fetish websites like Gearfetish, Recon’s family of websites, and a few others. You won’t find that many masculine gay men on the ‘net, so that’s why I recommended getting out and becoming involved in activities that masculine gay men enjoy: hiking, camping, sports, and so forth. You may have to drive a while to another town to find a regular softball or volleyball league, attend a rodeo, or to hike with a group.

  • When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there.

    That is often true. That’s why I recommend looking elsewhere. It’s unfortunate, but there are not specific places that masculine gay men hang out. I wish it were that easy. Even at leather-oriented gay bars, there is quite a mix. I recommended in my original post to go to pubs, restaurants, or bars frequented by general society. Yeah: “straight bars.” Masculine gay men do not feel a need to hang out only with gay men, contrasted with more effeminate gay guys who tend to hang out with only gay people. Masculine guys are secure and self-confident. They enjoy friends regardless of sexual orientation. So if you choose to go to a bar, don’t go to a gay bar — go to a straight bar. Believe me, there are gay men there, too.

  • I’m afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy.

    Fallacy: ‘fake being straight’ means what? Lying. Hiding. Not good for the soul and not good for the psyche. Don’t fake anything. Be yourself. If you have masculine mannerisms, then you’re not ‘faking being straight.’ You are being who you are. I assure you that many masculine gay men look and act ‘straight’ because their behavior is what society has taught us about how straight people behave. How one carries himself in front of others has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking the two issues are the same. They’re not.

  • The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I’m in denial, I just don’t want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time.

    I could probably make an entire blog post out of that line… in my opinion, social stereotyping is clouding objectivity. Okay, I don’t like Madonna either. My partner does. I don’t like Lady Gaga. My partner and some of my masculine gay friends do. So what? We just have different tastes. And the part about going shopping all the time? Gimme a break. I hate shopping, too. My partner, however, is good at it. Does he go shopping all the time? Nope… but when shopping has to be done, we divide the duties and he does the shopping and I go renovate a house. (Well, not specifically…) but where I’m going with this is that different men have different interests and if I initially judged my masculine “better half” (my partner) on the fact that he likes certain pop music and shopping, then I never would have developed a life-changing relationship with him and never would have taken that first step on the Bootprints of Our Journey.

    As they say, “opposites attract.” I’m not really saying that a gay frilly-froo-froo guy is the right choice for a guy looking for a masculine man, but I am saying that one should not make snap judgments based on stereotypes.

  • if I want a guy that acts girly then I’ll date a girl.

    Me too. ‘nuf said. If you want a masculine man, then go find one.

This was an interesting exercise to me. I’ll sum up by saying one very important thing: finding the right guy takes time. They won’t come flocking to your door or flood your email with proposals. You have to take the initiative to get out there and get involved in activities that other masculine gay men enjoy. Take your time. You’ll know it’s right when it happens. And it does… not fast, not overnight… but it does.

I also feel compelled to say that far too many gay men develop intimate relationships because they feel the need to do so. The bio-clock is ticking. The physical attributes change with age (weight, appearance, etc.) But just like in the straight world, you might get together with someone as a “settle for” and find out as time moves on that it’s not right, so you split and suffer consequences of a broken heart, damaged ego, and hurt feelings. Like a very close friend has had to do recently, he broke off a relationship because he figured out that it wasn’t right, and didn’t want to waste the other guy’s time or his own. He’s still looking, but is patiently confident. The point that I am trying to make is that one should take his time to develop a solid relationship and really get to know the other guy before moving in together, getting married, etc.

Life is short, but invest the time in finding what works for you.

Coming Out

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Guest Blog Post by ‘The Cop’

I was invited by BHD to write a guest blog post about my experience as a police officer who happens to be gay, and the processes and trials in coming out.

I write it that way because I am a cop first. Being gay has nothing to do with it. I am a cop. I am gay. So be it.

It was very hard for me to be myself, although I have been a police officer for over 10 years. All of my fellow officers thought, naturally, that I was straight, interested in women, and such. In fact, for some social events, I would invite female friends to go with me as a date. No one thought the wiser … so I thought.

Then a fellow officer came up to me one day and said, “you’re gay, aren’t you?” I was shocked. I thought I hid it very well. I never once looked at anyone else on the job, said anything, or posted anything anywhere on the internet.

I gave him my best “cop stare” and asked, “why did you say that?” His response was informative. He simply said, “well, you are a very private guy, but after a few years, you just figure things out. That’s okay. I won’t ‘out’ you.”

My head was spinning. I was afraid about what other people would say. I had a reputation to uphold. I was in line for a promotion, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that.

I went home that night and began searching the internet for information. That’s how I stumbled upon BHD’s blog. He is respectful to cops and others. I sent him an email, and in that first message, I just asked if he knew any gay cops.

He replied, and said that he doesn’t give out other people’s information, names, or email addresses. BHD told me later that some people have asked him to connect them with gay cops for liaisons. I wasn’t interested in that. I wanted to know others like me who I could talk to.

He referred me to Blue Pride, which is an organization of law enforcement officers who are gay. I joined, and learned a lot. They helped me figure out how to maintain my integrity, and they helped me come to terms with being honest in the workplace. I mean, after all, we enforce the law every day. We demand honesty and integrity in what we do. I felt so torn that by keeping the fact that I was gay to myself (being in the closet) that I was lying to my fellow officers. I thought that what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. But then I learned that by hiding my sexual orientation, that a form of distrust was building among fellow officers. More of them had talked about me than I thought.

I communicated with BHD on-and-off for over a year about this. I am still reticent to communicate with others. BUT…

I approached the officer who first asked me about whether I was gay, and asked if we could have coffee after work. We sat down and I told him what was on my mind.

All he said was, “finally, you’re being honest with me and with yourself. Don’t you feel better?”

I was expecting something else. I don’t really know what I was expecting. But I wasn’t expecting such a casual response. Like, “no big deal.”

I then screwed up my courage and told my boss. Again, her response was pretty much, “so what?” All she was concerned about was that I was doing my job well and working effectively with my fellow officers, the chain of command, and the community.

I realized that much of my concern was self-developed. To the point of keeping me awake many nights, fearing the unknown.

Thanks, BHD, for being such a supportive guy. I appreciate your friendship, your candor, your honesty, and advice. What I appreciate most is that I can say whatever is on my mind, and you don’t beat me up for it.

I got that promotion by the way. But have things changed for me at work? Yes-and-no. Some people are more formal, or distant. Maybe I am over sensitive. But most people treat me the same. The expect me to do my job, and after knowing me all these years, they know that they can rely on me to help out and stay focused on our duties.

Now, off to fight the battles of law-and-order, honestly, with integrity.

Note from BHD: this blog post was long in coming. When my friend Kevin wrote me an email where he described coming out to close friends and gave me the okay to post a part of his message, that is what caused the officer whose words are above to send me an email with this guest piece in it. I never really know how my blog posts are received or thought about by others.

I wish my friend well as he continues to serve the public, and be himself. He has asked me not to give out his email address, but if you wish to write, you can write to me and I will forward it to him.

Happy Autumn

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I believe in thinking positively — that this hot-as-blazes summer here in Maryland USA will eventually end. So today is the first day of Meteorological Autumn. Think Autumn — cool off! Happy Autumn! (Okay, we’re still eight weeks away from having fall colours like this, but it’s the thought that counts.)

And to my friends in the Southern Hemisphere: Happy Spring! Woo-hoo!

Life is short: celebrate seasonally!

A Coming Out Nudge

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I received an email from my friend Kevin in response to yesterday’s blog post titled, “Why Are Gay Men Insecure?”. His words express a lot of thoughtful insights about “coming out” (revealing his sexual orientation) to others. I had no idea that my writings would inspire him in this way. I’m truly touched.

I [was] thinking how blessed I have been by a close friendship over the years and decided that I was doing that friendship a disservice. There would always be this part of myself that I would keep hidden. It wasn’t the fear that we would no longer be close friends, I don’t believe there’s anything that would change that. But it was fear that [coming out to her] would forever alter her perception of me.

My greatest regret is that I didn’t have the courage or wisdom to share this with my mother while she was alive. When I realized that it was the very same fear that kept me from telling my mother, I knew things had to change. I had to face this insecurity, move past it, and deal with life honestly and courageously.

So, better than any critique I could give about the points you so very eloquently made in your post, I simply say your words have touched my heart and moved me off the fence and into action. I thank you for that. I’m choosing not to delude myself any longer. If you truly care for family and friends, keeping this simple fact from those you care about harms the relationship you have with them. You never give them the opportunity to love you and not the false representation you’ve given them.

Life is short: be yourself, and have confidence that true friends will not forsake you if you come out to them. Family, if they love you as they proclaim, won’t either. (I know; been there, done that… and while there is no t-shirt for it, the immense sense of relief that you feel when you confide your sexual orientation to those who love you is tremendous, and immeasurable.)

Why Are Gay Men Insecure?

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Another question entered into a Google search and landed here on this blog. Good question, but bad presumption.

I’m here to say that not all gay men are insecure. The question could have been phrased better. Nonetheless, among the straight community, there is an assumption that all gay men are the same. They all act and behave the same. They like the same things, and hang out with the same type of people.

… none of those assumptions are correct. I can attest, being one….

There are as many different behavior traits among gay men as there are in the whole population. Some gay men are indeed insecure. They worry about what other people think of them. They worry about how they appear to others by what they say and what they choose to wear, among other factors.

Think about it: scientific studies affirm that being gay is not a choice, but most boys are raised with the expectation by their parents and society that they are heterosexual. But as boys mature and some of them are interested in others of the same sex, they worry about why they are “different.” Social stereotyping plays a big role in that. Boys are expected to act and to behave in masculine ways, so they adopt (or try to adopt) masculine mannerisms that are expected of them — and also to hide behind the mask of being a guy. (This is sometimes confused with “living in the closet” which is not the same thing, but related. A gay man who lives in the closet is not disclosing publicly his sexual orientation.) A gay man who puts on a facade of “acting straight” is doing that mostly because he believes that is the way he should behave and appear to others.

So back to the point: what makes some gay men insecure? In my opinion, mostly it is fear. Fear of “being outted.” Fear of reprisal from those they hold most dear — parents, family, and respected others in their lives (teachers, clergy, bosses at work, etc.)

What gets a gay man over his insecurities is to become comfortable with who he is. Like I have said about myself before, I’m a guy. I am also gay. I behave in a masculine manner because I’m a masculine man. I don’t like all things that society expects masculine men to like — such as sports. I don’t like sports because I was ridiculed by my early-year gym teachers because I’m a klutz and seriously deficient in athletic skills. Okay, so be it. Does that make me insecure?

I admit, it once did. I was afraid what other people would do or say about me.

Then I grew up. I realized that most educated people don’t give a flying frig about my sexual orientation. They were more concerned about me in ways that other people are evaluated: what I did for a living, how I carry myself among others, if I lived a decent life (measured in various ways from being financially responsible to being good to others.)

I don’t go around waving the rainbow flag and pushing the fact that I’m gay in other people’s faces. I know that most people aren’t gay and some are uncomfortable with even the thought of a same-sex relationship. Okay, fine. Their problem to resolve. I help them figure it out by being “me” and doing what I do in my work, my community, and my life, then they find out that I’m gay. By then, it’s a moot point. They have already figured out that I’m a normal guy living a decent life, who happens to live with another guy in a stable, monogamous relationship. So what?

The point that I am trying to make is that yes, indeed, some gay men are insecure, because society has taught them to fear acts and words from others who are not gay. Once they realize that the world won’t end and their life will continue as it always has, then they can feel more self-confident and therefore, more secure.

Life is short: be who you are, and be secure with that.

Come Stay At My Vacation Home

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Sorry, fellas, this isn’t an invitation for you to come to a vacation home that I own. I don’t own one. This was an invitation that I received from a good friend.

“Come chill. Do nothing. Sit and watch the water, read, relax.”

… sounds inviting.

However, when she extended the invitation to me, I was caught off-guard. I mean, who wouldn’t want to take a weekend and just go “veg” … “chill out” or whatever you want to call it.

Well, who wouldn’t is me. I admit. I thanked my friend for her offer, but declined.

Why? Well… first of all, I’m really too much of a “Type A” guy to sit and chill for any length of time. I always seem to be up and doing something from home repairs to caring for my aunt and elderly friends to preparing chef’s creations in our kitchen to … writing blog posts. I dunno, I’m the type of guy who can’t sit still for very long.

I’m afraid that if I were to go to my friend’s place, I’d be fretting about the stuff I could have been doing had I been at home. Isn’t that sad, in a way? Oh well, it’s just how I am.

Further, I wouldn’t go off somewhere without my partner, and my partner is so antisocial that he wouldn’t want to “chill” with other people around. So I have a conundrum of knowing that taking a day completely “off” and relaxing would be good for me, but not something I would enjoy.

So be it, I am very much of a “home-body” these days. I choose to relax by helping other people (that really is something I enjoy), riding my Harley, cooking in my chef’s kitchen, and sharing company with my partner. Even if we don’t go anywhere. He has my heart, and you know what they say, “home is where the heart is.”

Life is short: enjoy it your own way in your own space.

Christmas Shopping Done

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I’m late this year… I usually have all of my Christmas shopping done by July. I was delayed because I have been spending so much time with my aunt who has required a lot of attention. But she’s better now, and stable. I have arranged 24/7 care for her, so I can attend to other matters.

The last “thing” on my list was birthday and anniversary cards for the families and loved-ones of five special seniors. (I’ve been doing this for a number of years). I buy cards for each of these seniors’ special people, then address the envelopes, put on a “forever” stamp, and insert them in a month-by-month card organizer. It’s a great gift for a senior who can’t really get out to buy cards any more, but who wants to send a card for a loved-ones birthday or anniversary.

For the past two weeks, I bought 186 cards — “birthday, male child; birthday, female child; birthday, adult male; birthday, adult female; anniversary of child’s wedding; daughter-in-law or son-in-law birthday; or a “you’re special” birthday card for a non-relative, but loved person. I sorted, labeled, stamped, and organized all of these cards into card organizer holders for these very special seniors in MY life. With that, my Christmas shopping is DONE!

Note: I didn’t mention my partner. Of course I got him some gifts, but I did that back in April. All done… no stores, no crowds, no “bah-humbug.” Just smiles and cheers of “woo-hoo” ’cause I don’t have to have any Christmas shopping hassles. Yea!

BTW: I guess it’s a “guy thing” that I celebrate not having to do any Christmas shopping. I know it’s not a “gay thing” but as I’ve said before, “I didn’t get those genes.” (LOL!)

Life is short: plan ahead!

Isn’t This Sad?

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One of my banking institutions included this image in a recent email that they sent out to market for new business. The message was about “back to school” and spending money at participating merchants that provide a small bonus to their banking customers (and probably more to the bank for advertising and promotion fees.)

Anyway, isn’t this image sad? Two kids probably about 10 years old, each with their own expensive gizmo-gadgets, smiling away as they spend their parent’s money on monthly fees to support those things? Truly, I find that quite sad.

Back in the day, a dime to call home if we were going to be late was all we needed. Mom and Dad knew where we were all the time, or there would be hell to pay. Today, parents give their kids all these techie toys that cost a lot of money each month in service fees.

Frankly, I was just as happy with two cans and a string.

Life is short: just ask… I am on a first-name basis with dinosaurs, Julius Caesar, and Plato (or is that Pliny the Elder?)

The Trials of a Having a Large Boot Collection

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Unlike some guys, I actually wear (or try to wear) all of the boots that I own. I admit, I own a few pairs of boots that I can’t wear any more. I keep some of them for nostalgic purposes. Like the boots I wore atop the Great Wall of China, or the boots I wore while in Romania during the immediate aftermath of the post-Ceauşescu era, or the boots that the Pope blessed (well, he blessed me, but the Fryes I had on got blessed along with me.)

I also have a few pairs of boots that I talk a lot about selling or finding a home for, such as my old Redwood Wesco boots that don’t fit me any more, and a couple odds-n-ends that don’t fit as well. I just cannot possess myself to discard a pair of boots, even if they are damaged or completely worn out.

Well, anyway, the other day I was rummaging around in the closet of our guest room and I saw something on the floor. Turned out to be a pair of jungle-type tall canvas/leather motorcycle boots. I had forgotten that I had them, and how those boots ended up in that closet, I’ll never know.

I got them out, put them on, and was pleasantly surprised about how comfortable they were. I wonder why I stopped wearing them. (Well, I know why: I forgot!)

That’s the peril of having a large boot collection. No matter how well one is organized with a website devoted to cataloging the collection and storage built expressly for the purposes of displaying the boots and keeping them in order (and off the bedroom floor, which begat the whole website thing in the first place) — sometimes one may forget that he has a certain pair of boots. Sometimes the boots wander off to get squirreled away in places that one doesn’t ordinarily look.

I do intend to reduce the boot collection to those that I wear regularly. (Note to self: keep writing that and perhaps you will follow through with this self-promise!) But I do wear a lot of my boots. I may change boots three to five times each day, depending on what I am doing, where I am going, and what I need on my feet for the conditions: rain, snow, or whilst motorcycling, for example.

At least no one can accuse me of not knowing what I have any more (giggle.) Just check out the website and my questions are resolved.

Life is short: wear boots!

The Blank Page

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I found the most interesting and useful internet page — it is called, simply, “Blank Web Page.” (See it by clicking here. I promise, it won’t hurt your computer nor introduce bad things like a trojan or a virus.)

I build in re-directs from some of my website’s pages to this page from time to time. A “re-direct” simply means that if you think you are visiting a page on my website, it ends up somewhere else and entirely off the domain of my website.

Unfortunately, some people who participate in various on-line forums include a link to my website. They make comments about what appears on the website page to which they are linking. Most of the time, I can’t see what they’re saying, but I can guess. Since they linked to me without permission and I have no idea what they’re saying, I redirect them elsewhere. I don’t want them on my site.

Forums for CHP officers, Finnish motorbikers, die-hard Harley bikers, and even some brain-dead chick’s blog have linked to some pages on my website and then have been re-directed to “Blank Web Page.”

Whoever invented “Blank Web Page”: thank you for creating it. I had no idea something like this would be so useful.

Fortunately, the people who link to my site and get re-directed to a blank page quickly loose interest and stop visiting. Then I can rest my website back to usual.

Life is short: outsmart dimwits.