Category Archives: partners

Keeping a Relationship Going

Posted on by

I have blogged before about my relationship with my partner, and thought I would say something again about that wonderful man of mine and how we have held each other close all these years.

I was dialoguing with someone via e-mail who has shared comments about some things he has read on this blog. He has expressed his opinions and views about what he would or would not tell his partner.

Gosh, I’m so old-fashioned. I truly treat my partner as my spouse, as if we were married. I was raised by observing that married couples always tell their mate what’s going on, things they are doing, what they are thinking, and such. And that’s what my partner and I do. We talk all the time.

I could probably tell you more about the history of one of our country’s major grocery chains than you ever would want to know. But this is interesting to my partner, and I listen. My partner could probably tell you about every style and manufacturer of boots because he has heard that from me. I could tell you what’s the latest news in his mother’s household, and he could tell you the latest news in our local civic activities and politics. I could tell you about what he likes to watch on television, read in literature, about his musical interests, or even what websites he views regularly. My partner could do the same about me (though I don’t really care for television).

To be honest, I am not all that keen on the latest goings-on of that grocery chain. Some of the television stuff bores me silly. I’m sure that web-geek talk and boots this-n-that, or who may run for what local office is not quite on the top of the list of my partner’s interests.

BUT: if he is interested, then I am interested. If I am interested, then he is interested. Seriously — we talk A LOT. We share everything with each other. Who I talked to about what, where I am going next, what position I may take on some issue, what TV show or actor is up for an award, and the gist of email that we receive. We are honest, open, and sharing.

We don’t hide things from each other, or do anything that could be perceived as operating behind the other’s back. That doesn’t mean that we do not have our own “space,” or our own relationships with others. Goodness, the volume of phone and e-mail communication in which I am engaged with my family and friends is astronomical. My partner doesn’t care and doesn’t really want to know about all of that. But if AZ calls or Clay writes or John, Wes, or Kevin drop me a note, more often than not, I’ll tell my partner about it. And that’s okay, because he trusts that my relationship with my best friends, family, “bootbuds” and community associates are all top-notch, above-board, and honest.

My partner and I communicate. We keep the dialogue going. That is why, I believe, our relationship has lasted as long as it has (almost 16 years), and why it will endure.

Football "Widower"

Posted on by

If a male widow is a widower, and if a wife is abandoned because her mate is caught up in the hype and hysteria over a football game is called a “football widow,” then you can call a guy abandoned by his guy, a “football widower.” Honestly, I could care less about sports.

I’m not quite sure why I feel that way, but it probably dates back to grade school, where I was the smallest, most uncoordinated kid in class. Last picked for teams, always fumbling around, slow to run, and not understanding the rules of most sports. I would inevitably do the wrong thing.

I was in school during the time when gym teachers treated kids who were uncoordinated klutzes like me very badly. The gym teachers would make fun of me publicly, and make me feel rotten. I especially remember having the same gym teacher in fifth grade through eighth (he followed me to Junior High). His poking fun at me was the highlight of fun for the other boys in the class. He caused me to resist and shun having anything to do with athletics and physical fitness. I’ll never forget Mr. Tucker and his nastiness. It took me a long, long time to get over that, and return to a gym as an adult, where now at least I enjoy swimming regularly.

My twin brother was the “jock’s jock.” My gym teachers seemed to enjoy making comparisons, often saying, “why can’t you be like your brother, or at least try?” They were implying that my abilities could be improved if I only tried. They never knew how much time my brother practiced with me, trying to help me get better. I just never “got it.”

Fortunately, my twin brother never betrayed me, ridiculed me, or made me feel badly. In fact, if I were just an ordinary short klutz, I probably would have been teased unmercifully by the jocks in high school. However, his strong bond of brotherhood and obvious love for his “little brother” forced his fellow jocks at least to accept me. If any one of them made a nasty or rude comment, they had hell to pay. My brother loved me unconditionally.

In return, I would always show up to cheer him on when he was Captain of this-or-that team. He was very talented. He called me his “#1 cheerleader,” which was quite a courageous position to take, since he was surrounded by a lot of girls who had eyes for him (and him for them). But he never, ever, treated me poorly, or made a joke or off-color reference to me and my lack of sports capabilities or knowledge. He just would give me a signal to say “we go that way now” so I would know which direction was “good”.

Well, anyway, I never developed an interest in sports. I had other things to do. I always cheered for my brother in whatever sport he played, showed up for his awards banquets, and was the first on my feet to give him standing ovations.

Which brings me to today, when I’m living with my partner who hails from Pittsburgh, and whose team is playing in the Super Bowl. I’ll be preparing snacks and game-night foods for my partner to enjoy — then go curl up with a good book and go to bed early.

I’m still in somewhat of a state of shock at the loss of my friend who died on Friday, and remain in a quiet mood. But I’m okay. The outpouring of love and compassion from my partner, my family, and my friends has been very heartwarming. So don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I have a strong net holding me up. I’m just sad, but I’ll move on to better feelings and a brighter smile soon enough.

Meanwhile, whatever team you may support, good luck… enjoy and have fun!

Bedrock of Our Relationship

Posted on by

Earlier, I blogged about my relationship with my partner, and that it’s not all based on sex, as some straight guys think. I also described several differences between my partner and me. That caused my best friend to ask me about it… so let me elaborate further about the “good stuff” besides sex.

I am describing what forms the bedrock, or foundation, of our relationship. Our differences are there, but what we have in common is greater than our differences.

Ultimately, the foundation of what caused each of us to say to ourselves, “he’s someone I want to spend my life with” is based on these shared values:

  • Trust. First and foremost, we trust each other. We never do anything that would compromise that trust. We both get highly irritated by gay guys who play around behind their partner’s backs, have profiles on Recon, GearFetish, or GayRomeo that the other doesn’t know about and who use those profiles to meet other guys, and on and on. My partner knows where I am on the ‘net and where I am when I am not at home. For example, if I go on a business trip and meet someone who I have met on the ‘net, I tell my partner about the planned visit in advance and then I tell him all about it after we’ve met. My website, this blog, and my other internet profiles all state clearly that I’m in a monogamous relationship and while I enjoy making friends, that’s IT. I have never given my partner reason to doubt my honesty, nor has he done that either. Trust is a value that is maintained throughout a relationship by constant work. We both communicate with each other so that the trust remains solid and strong.

  • Honesty. Being honest with one another is what maintains the trust we have in each other. We never lie to each other. If we make a mistake, we own up to it and fix it.

  • Financial Matters. We are two peas in a pod when it comes to money. We don’t spend money that we don’t have. We don’t borrow. We pay our bills in full and on time. We have no interest in buying or having the next new toy, “thing,” or gadget, just because it’s there or other people have it. We sit down with each other every month and review our combined household budget, bills, and our checking and savings accounts. Each of us knows where our money is, where it went, and what our priorities are for future spending. Our financial priorities are intuitively the same. It’s often quoted that some of the biggest fights that couples have is over money matters. I am delighted to say that in our case, that is never an issue.

  • Respect. Man, we’re different, but we respect our differences. We respect that each of us has his own thoughts and insights that he brings to the discussion and to the relationship. We respect that we do different things in our respective professional lives. My partner respects that I have a strong interest in politics and civic affairs, and supports my activities as the man behind the scenes. This value, respect, forms the foundation for how we communicate with each other. Even when we disagree, we discuss what factors or issues we disagree with, and not make the disagreement personal. This is how we show respect for one another even if we’re not in agreement.

  • Family. While one may not think that family has anything to do with a relationship, where I am going here is that we both treasure family in our own ways. We appreciate that we care for others. My partner works hard to help his mother, and I care for my elderly aunt regularly. We each value that we spend time and energy extending our care to those we love. We think that is important.

  • Love. I almost said, “this goes without saying,” but you really have to express it in words and in actions, each and every day. From a hug and a kiss, to a smile and an embrace, to saying each time we greet or part, “I love you.” This is incredibly important. And each of us never forgets to tell and show his mate that he loves him.

  • Who Is Number One. I said this in my earlier post today, but wish to reaffirm, that to each of us, the other is Number One, numero uno, il primo. Whenever we do anything, we’re always asking ourselves, “how would he feel about that?” or “what would he think?” or “how would this help him?” or things like that. We keep our priorities straight (… the only straight thing about us) that our first and foremost person is our mate.

So, that’s that. Everything listed above is a description of core values. Our relationship, our partnership, is based on sharing these values. It is pretty simple, but somewhat complex at the same time. Maintaining a healthy relationship is work. Some people try to make a relationship work and when it doesn’t, it is because some of the basic values on which the relationship was built were compromised. That’s why I consider myself richly blessed, because my man works as hard as I do in order to ensure that our relationship, our partnership endures through the tests on which we are challenged each day.

It’s Not All Sex

Posted on by

I get amused by the straight guys who react with a bit of fear and some curiosity about how us “gay guys” live. There seems to be an ongoing thought among the straight world that sex is the only thing that gay men “do” or that keeps them together.

Sorry to burst your bubble, straight guys, but just like you, what attracts us gay guys to our mates is more than physical attributes.

So for my 300th post here on Blogger, I thought I would talk a bit about the relationship I have with my man, and while sex is part of it, it’s not the only thing.

As with all couples, we have our ups and downs, our good times and our bad. We think differently, and react to what goes on in our lives differently. My partner is a wonderful man in many respects; he is honest, intelligent, trustworthy, and romantic. But we’re not always in sync and despite what some may think, we have our share of “challenges.” After all, we’re human.

Here’s where we’re different:

  • I enjoy people and socializing while my partner is a recluse. He strongly dislikes socializing.

  • I am a visionary, and tend to talk through what I’m thinking about before having a concrete plan. My partner is like Joe Friday, “just the facts, sir” and that’s it.

  • I am a conversationalist. I believe in talking through disagreements, finding common ground, and achieving consensus. My partner becomes highly annoyed when I talk too much and don’t get to the point soon enough.

  • When something comes to my partner’s attention that has to be done, such as refilling the napkin container or paying a bill for his mother, he drops everything and does it — even if it’s right in the middle of dinner. I make lists and plan ahead, and organize each of my actions in logical order. I’m not saying my partner is illogical; his methods of organization and prioritizing are vastly different from mine.

  • When my partner is in pain, which due to his disability is frequent, he reacts with emotion and says things that he doesn’t mean. He can get ugly and difficult, and there’s no reasoning with una mente testadura molta. I can’t relate to his medical condition because I have no idea what it’s like to live with chronic, severe pain. I just suck it up and let him rant.

  • When I get busy with things going on at work, meetings in the community, and helping my “elder buds” and family, I sometimes have trouble saying “no” and offer to do more, or spend more time away from home. My partner gets somewhat irritated when I do that. I have to remember that he’s my #1, and devote time to “just us.”

All-in-all, we have a great relationship, but it is work. Just like straight couples have to work on their relationships. Couples don’t “get along” just because they have good sex (though that’s helpful [smile]); couples endure as a couple because they respect one another, are honest with each other, communicate on an ongoing basis, and pay attention to one another.

And having a good relationship includes a continuous “dose” of romance throughout, from little things like baking him heart-shaped cookies, to snuggling up next to him on the couch, to just holding him and giving him a big hug, to chasing him around the house sometimes, laughing and giggling when he lets me “catch” him. He brings me flowers, scratches my “itchy back,” and frequently is romantic with me in other small but most-noticed ways, as well.

So it’s not all sex. It’s a relationship — love, respect, thought, words, and deeds. My relationship with my partner means the world to me, so despite how crazy-busy I get with other things, there are times when I say, “no, sorry, I can’t attend that function” or “no, sorry, I’m busy” because I’m paying attention to my #1. My one-and-only, my man, my love, my partner.

Lightening the Load

Posted on by

Upon return from my recent business trip, my cold wasn’t any better. I walked in my door this morning at 12:45am. My partner was waiting up for me. He took my bag, walked me up the stairs, and tucked me into bed.

About 8:00am, he came to me because he heard me coughing. He brought me some cold medicine. He had a pad and pen in his hand. He said, “you always have things planned for the weekend. What do you have to do, and how can I help you lighten the load?”

What a treasure I have in my man. He knows me. He can read me like a book. He definitely can read my mind.

His concern was that I am not over my cold yet, and I have to take a day completely “off.” I had to stay home, rest, and not run myself ragged in doing the things that I do, and also not expose myself to wet and cold weather which could prolong my illness.

I rattled off my list of “gotta do’s.” He took notes. He called a few people and put some things in motion. That’s a big deal — my partner detests the phone, but if it will ease my load…. He took my aunt to the grocery store, which is something he really doesn’t like to do, but if it will ease my load….

My cop tenant took an elderly friend to a doctor’s appointment, where someone strong had to be able to help by lifting my friend into and out of a vehicle, and provide physical assistance in getting to the specialist’s hard-to-reach location. He had planned to do something else, but if it will ease my load….

My sister came over to drop off some (more) chicken soup, and pick up some maps on which I had made painstaking notations. She brought them over to the guy who I am mentoring to take over my position in 2010 so he can “lead the charge” on a current development project discussion that was to be held this afternoon. My sister had planned to spend time with her daughter, but if it will ease my load….

When my partner returned, he made me lunch, and then suggested I relax in our basement. He set up the CD player to play lots of my old favorites, from The Eagles to REO Speedwagon to Steve Wariner to Linda Ronstadt to Anne Murray and more. He turned the lights down low, and got out the afghan that my Mom spent a year making for me, and covered me with it.

I heard the doorbell ring a few times. Some of my “elder buds” brought over a casserole for dinner, plus some treats including cookies and nutless brownies. This was their way to show that they care, and lighten my load a bit — as otherwise, I would fret about preparing dinner.

I could hear water running now-and-then. When I went upstairs later, I saw that my partner had unloaded my luggage, washed all of my clothes, and put everything away.

I have often said, “show those you love that you love them,” and also, “love is something that you get more of the more you give it away.”

I am humbled and very appreciative. I love my friends, my family, and most of all, my man. He shows his love each and every moment of every day. I am so blessed. My load is lightened. I am feeling better — if perhaps not from the cold symptoms, at least from being relieved of some duties that I wasn’t really up to doing.

Cure for the Common Cold

Posted on by

My partner has a bad cold. Poor fella. He’s always washing his hands and following standard procedures of good hygiene to minimize exposure to germs. Nonetheless, he and his mother who was visiting during the holidays both have a cold. I guess they were exposed when they went to the movies.

Sunday afternoon, Guido (our chef) and I spent several hours making our Italian chicken soup — guaranteed to cure everything, including the common cold. Well, I believe that, anyway. Even if a cold isn’t “cured,” the soup sure makes you feel better.

We follow my Nonna’s (grandmother’s) recipe, and Guido posted it on his website, here. Mangi e goda!

S-xy New Year’s Greeting

Posted on by

When I arrived home at 12:30 this morning from my friends’ place where I always go to celebrate New Year’s Eve, I found my partner waiting for me decked out in boots, chaps, sexy mesh shirt, and Muir cap. He handed me my Muir cap and took off my shirt. I had on my leather side-laced jeans and Chippewa Hi-Shine boots, which is what I wore to the party.

My woofy partner and I enjoyed some fun by our Christmas tree to ring in 2009. Whew! What a great way to begin the new year!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Resolving

Posted on by

Happy New Year (almost!) This is a time when you hear about people making “new year’s resolutions.” I don’t do that — I observe how hypocritical such “resolutions” are. You make them, then a few days later, they’re forgotten.

What I resolve to do in 2009 is to continue to do what I have been doing, which includes, but is not limited to:

  • Continuing to care for family and friends, and take steps to help make things better for them, in whatever ways that I can.
  • Remaining happy, joyful, and up-beat.
  • I have so much to be thankful for, I resolve to continue to display and share my thanks.
  • Smiling at total strangers! (and friends, and family, and anyone else!)
  • Enjoying life’s surprises, and making lemonade when life serves you lemons.
  • Sharing knowledge, information, and ideas with others when requested, but not offered unsolicited.
  • Taking time to have fun! Ride my Harley with the group that I ride with, share walks with my next-door-neighbor, play Bocci con i ragazzi, update my website, maintain the properties that I own, build stuff — including a gazebo in our back yard park. (Yeah, this IS fun for me!)
  • Remaining passionate about my community service, and bringing about thoughtful resolution to challenges we face in our neighborhood, community, county, state, and country to the degree that I can.
  • Loving and caring for my partner: my love-of-my-life, my best friend in the whole world, my lover, my joy, my hunkadorabilious, my one-and-only.
  • Showing those that I love that I love them, each and every day.

Tonight, as I celebrate New Year’s Eve for the 23rd time with a very close friend, his wife, his family and extended network of friends, I will carry through on these “life resolutions.” And I’ll be wearing leather and boots, too!

Happy New Year! See ‘ya next year!

The Love of My Life

Posted on by

While the photo may be from springtime, the person in it is my Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter: the love of my life, my “bestest friend”, my soulmate, my partner, my man. Like a fellow blogger said the other day, the word “partner” sounds so businesslike, but until the term “love-of-my-life” replaces it, or until our country gets off its homophobic butt and lets us marry, then calling him my partner is all I can do right now.

He keeps me grounded. He keeps me on track. He respects me. He challenges me to think. He quietly keeps things running in our household while I am busy with community activities. He continues to ask me to take time for “me,” and to relax a bit, ride my Harley, read novels in Italian and other languages, or spend time with my family and elder-buds.

He’s not perfect. He won’t answer the phone or the door. He dislikes socializing. He has no friends. He doesn’t like to go out. He has a brittle temper, especially when he is in pain due to his disability. But he far more makes up for that, by being a warm, gentle, exceptionally caring, loving, intelligent, and thoughtful man.

He and I think exactly alike when it comes to finances, but he’s the financial brains of the outfit. We have no debt beyond a very small mortgage, we save for what we want to get or do so we don’t take loans, and through his guidance we have been setting aside funds and resources for retirement. Neither of us carry balances on credit cards, or throw away money by gambling or engaging in risky financial practices. But my personal financial situation is stable (even in today’s rough economy) because I mirror my partner’s high standards when it comes to money and investments.

Further, the love of my life just “does things” without asking, and without saying, “see what I’ve done.” The house doesn’t clean itself; the truck doesn’t shed its dirt; the laundry doesn’t pop itself into the washer and dryer and find its way into drawers and onto hangers… so many things he does that I don’t thank him enough for doing, because sometimes I get so busy that I don’t notice things he has done for me.

When I get really busy, I mean really, really busy in my civic life, he just quietly does whatever he can do to support me. He reorganized my office so all the different facets of my civic life were organized, filed, and prioritized. When I go fix things for my “elder buds,” he often is the one who gets the equipment, supplies, and materials that I need to do that. When I want to bake 20 loaves of bread in a week, he stocks the pantry with flour, yeast, raisins, cinnamon, and sugar.

That’s what’s so magic about the love of my life. Without saying a thing, he knows what needs to be done, and just does it. It’s more than reading my mind. He can read my soul. He is always there, truly reliable, my rock, and a warm snuggle on a cold night. And sexy, too — but this is a “G-rated” blog!

For all of this, I have vowed to make this Christmas the best yet. My partner has invited his mother to stay with us for the upcoming week. Since her husband died, her being alone on Christmas was not an option my partner would accept. My M-I-L is not the easiest person to be around. I’ll leave it at that. Let’s say past visits during the holidays have been challenging. But I absolutely vow that I will do all I can do to make her feel welcome, happy, pampered and loved. This is what I can do for my partner, who loves me unconditionally, with the purest of heart. And he loves his mother, too.

I cherish the man who makes my life all that it is and worth living. He is what makes Christmas merry for me. Thank you, God, for your Divine Intervention to bring us together, and for that, I remain, truly grateful to You, and live a life in faith and love.