Sunday, my partner and I were tending to routine fall outdoor cleanup chores when he suddenly complained of being very dizzy and became nauseous. His speech was slurred and one eye was dilated while the other was not.
I kept my calm, but seriously thought he was having a stroke.
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This weekend includes a holiday on Monday to recognize that Christopher Columbus and his shipmates were greeted by Native Americans upon arrival in North America. Yeah, my maternal ancestors were here before he was, yet he gets all the recognition for “founding America.” Ha!
It also marks the weekend that my partner and I visit his mother up in da’Burgh, where we will redd up her homestead in preparashun for winner. Yeah, she lives up dere in Alahgany channy, near where da Mon and Agony rivers form da Ahia, nof-ees of da sitty in a tahny tahnship. Or is it a burrah? Anyways, it’s called Mickeys Rocks, or just “da Rox” for short.
Now, back to “normal speak” … LOL! But I tell ya, it has taken me years to learn how to translate Pittsburghese until my dear friend, AZ, pointed out an on-line translator. Once we are within 50 miles of his hometown, my partner begins tawkin lahk dat.
If any of this blog’s visitors are not from the United States, I extend my apologies, because I know these phrases must be very difficult to understand. Believe me, it is hard for me to understand, and I am a native speaker of American English!
Well, home repairs and yardwork await. My mother-in-law is anxious to have us visit, and she truly appreciates the help. While she sometimes is not all that easy to be around, she is the only mother my partner has, and she has learned to care for me in her own quirky way, so we will be fine. I do what I need to do, always… ’cause I love my partner. That’s what it is really all about. Giving up two three-day weekends each year (Memorial Day and Columbus Day) is the least I can do to show my partner that I mean what I close this blog with regularly:
life is short: show those you love that you love them.
I read often on various gay forums, blogs, and fetish sites about gay guys who have an “open” relationship. To them, it is okay to “play around” (i.e., have sex) with men other than their partner. That is how they live their respective lives and understand their relationship to be.
I have a rather strong opinion that such relationships do not work for the long term, but who am I to judge — a guy who is for all intents and purposes, monogamously married.
The common marriage vow expresses a couple’s relationship to each other “to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
I know that is rather hokey in today’s society, but I have to say that this is exactly how my partner and I feel about each other. We live by the meaning of that vow even though the law does not allow us to express it to each other formally and have it be recognized by the state.
We have a “closed” relationship. We love each other without question, without judgment, and without reservation. I almost said, “without condition” but I have to say that there are indeed some conditions. We didn’t put these conditions in writing; rather, we obey the tenets of the conditions by what we do (or don’t do.) We must remain honest with each other. We will strongly protect the other as best we can. We must communicate with one another clearly and meaningfully without using words that can be hurtful. We must respect each other and show that respect by our behavior.
These are the conditions of our relationship, and we are proud of it.
And notice in all that I said above, I have not yet said anything about sex. Another important “condition” of our relationship is that we remain faithful in a sexual way to the other.
There are some who believe that it is okay “just to have sex” as a casual fling, but since “it’s just sex” then it cannot (or should not) cause problems in a couple’s relationship. To my partner and me, though, sex is a part of our intimate relationship that we hold dearly and sacred. That’s why neither one of us would consider having “just sex” with someone else. It is not “just” anything — in our opinion, sex with someone else would destroy the most intimate relationship that we have and break our bond of trust.
I realize that many gay couples struggle with maintaining monogamy. Some have said to me, “hey, we’re not married; we have no Contract in the eyes of God.” That may be true, but in our opinion, we have a contract to remain true, faithful, and honest with each other.
I have to say, that is one reason why we have been together for over 18 years, and plan on being a couple in love (as well as “in like”) with each other until we die.
Life is short: maintain trust through personal integrity.
I was reading a blog post by a police officer who described whether it was good or not good to talk about the job with one’s spouse, girl/boyfriend, or in my case, partner.
There is one school of thought that you should keep your job at your job and not talk about it at home. The officer’s line of thinking was the opposite, and is consistent with my own. That it, he said, and I feel the same way, that “holding back what happens to you at work will eat your soul and will be the demise of the greatest reward of your personal life — your marriage” (or in my case, all I’m allowed to call it is “my relationship” because I am prohibited from marrying the man I love. But that’s another story for another time….)
Further, he said, “Too many first responders equate their whole identity in being whatever it is they are professionally. All too often, we are guilty of paying more attention to our lives at work than the one at home.” He concluded that paragraph by saying, “It’s like cheating on your family.” That statement caused me to ponder, and agree very much with his profound insight.
While I am not a first responder, I can directly relate to what he said. I had a soaring career for almost 20 years with a respected national organization. I realize now in hindsight how “married to the job” I was. I lived and breathed that job every moment of every day. One may call that behavior “dedicated.” I learned later that being so dedicated was taking me away both physically and spiritually from my best half — my partner.
Bad things would happen on the job, and I would try to suck it up and say to myself, “I’m not going to burden him with that bullshit.” But I would dwell on that crap in my mind, and it would affect my whole demeanor in how I related to my best half, my family, and my friends.
I kept rationalizing, “I have a life outside of work. I deal with work at work and can leave it there, and have a life with my partner, family, and friends outside of working hours.” I was fooling myself. That was the biggest lie I ever told — and worse, I told it to myself so much that I believed it for 20 years.
Things came to a head with a major conflict at that job in late 2004. I was so angry and frustrated with daily garbage that when I came home, I unloaded my emotions in unhealthy ways. If my partner didn’t love me as much as he does, I’m sure he would have left me. But instead of fighting with me about my personal issues, he became the listener that he is and asked me questions in a gentle way to probe what exactly was going on. So I let it all out. What I had bottled up came flowing out in a torrent of yelling, screaming, and a lot of tears.
Sure, I made some mistakes and that led to this conflict at work. But my partner, being the loving, caring, man that he is, never once said that I did anything wrong. He defended me with absolute certainty that I was right and to hell with everyone else at the job who were making me so miserable. Within a week of finally opening up to him, I quit a job that was eating me alive.
My situation had gotten to the point of “my job or my life” and it was an “either-or.” There was no compromise. No middle ground. My partner never threatened to leave me, but made it clear that my behavior was making me very difficult to live with. But more importantly, he pointed out what I was failing to see — that my misery was affecting not only my mental health, but was making me that negative person that I never would want to be. He sort of held me to a mirror and said, “is this the man you want to be?”
He was so right. His intervention saved my soul, saved our relationship, and saved my sanity. Quitting a job that I thought I loved was the best thing in the world I ever could have done. And it would probably have happened sooner had I talked with him about it years earlier.
I am a fairly resilient man. I also know that my ability to bounce back to the man I want to be is absolutely dependent on communicating with the best reward of my personal life — my partner.
I communicate a lot with many people, but there’s nothing on the level of communication with your partner that is the same. Sure, my twin brother can read my mind and my senior pals are sensitive to share their wisdom. My siblings are close, listen well, and love me, “regardless.” It’s wonderful to be surrounded by people who “have my back.” But there’s nothing quite the same as your spousal-equivalent being there to listen, support, and … as I always say,
… show those you love that you love them.
I definitely agree with Motorcop: “Communication is key.” Keeping the dialogue going maintains a healthy relationship with your best half and maintains the integrity of your soul. Thanks, MC, for such a terrific and insightful blog post.
My partner and I had a great time visiting the Maryland Renaissance Festival on Saturday. We saw some interesting shows, a jousting competition, and strolled around the grounds. There were a lot of vendors (mostly for food). A couple vendors carried leather products, but of the nature of which I was not interested.
A few people dressed in period costume, but most attendees were the typical family with kids in tow… wearing shorts and sneakers… and a few of those awful flip-flops and crocs. I saw only one other guy (who was not a performer) wearing boots.
What did I wear? A pair of brown leather jeans tucked into tall brown Wesco harness boots. I chose not to wear a leather shirt or vest, because it was very humid and rather warm. I am not one of those who “gets into Ren Faire” by dressing in some form of costume, but it was fun to see those who did.
All-in-all, it was a nice way to spend a warm (and finally sunny) late summer day.
The other day, someone at my office asked me, “how is your roommate?” She had heard that my partner had brain surgery and wanted to know how he was doing. Internally, I sighed. I knew she was only trying to be nice. But he is not my “roommate.” That implies such a casual relationship.
I answered her question, but then followed with, “and he is not my roommate. He is the equivalent of a spouse. I call him my partner.” She did not know how to respond, but said, “well, I’m glad he’s okay.”
I don’t know why that particular phrase made me angry, but it does. After 18+ years, he is much more than just a roommate.
Okay, rant over. I love my partner, my spouse, my hunk, my best half.
Life is short: be calm but be clear.
One might remember that the first writing assignment upon return to school was an essay describing, “what I did on my summer vacation.” Back when I was in school, I could describe riding in a car with my family going cross-country, and over a six-year period, we stopped in every state in the contiguous United States. It was mandatory to stop in the state’s capital, but we also would see whatever sights there were to see while in that state (for example, we spent three weeks in California alone.)
These days, I do not travel for vacation any more. My partner is unable to sit in an airplane for any length of time due to his disability (not the brain surgery, but his chronic hip condition which is inoperable). I can’t stand being cooped up in a car for more than a few hours. I just go crazy. And regretfully, I have a chronic health condition that makes it difficult for me to ride my Harley more than a few hundred miles each day. Altogether, I have found that it’s easier to stay home. (It’s cheaper that way, too.)
I had the last week off from work — my first time off since I started the new job. I began my “staycation” on Friday the 12th on a high note, by going on a motorcycle ride with some friends on a lovely day. We had a great time, and didn’t get lost.
Frankly, I forgot what I did on the weekend… usual activities in caring for my senior pals, repairing or installing things for them in their homes, taking them grocery shopping, and spending time with my partner and my brother (and his wife) who are visiting.
I got busy on Monday the 15th with work in our yard, repairing a garden wall that had been damaged by the freeze-thaw cycle over some harsh winters. I got very tired of being stung by yellow jackets (bees/wasps) that had built a nest in the soil of that garden.
Tuesday was my birthday. It began brightly with a warm snuggle with my partner who had taken the day off. I was “kidnapped” by five senior pals and taken to breakfast. That was fun. Then my brother, his wife, and I went to visit a niece who had delivered twin boys three weeks earlier. It was great to meet our Great Nephews.
Late that afternoon, my partner bought a bushel of Maryland steamed crabs fresh from the Chesapeake Bay. We picked crabs for hours. This is my favorite meal, and is easy for my partner to “prepare.” My brother and his wife enjoyed it, as well, though I think my sister-in-law grew tired of crab-picking after the first two. It does take patience — and we kept telling her that it’s really not the crabs, but the social experience of crab-picking that makes it so much fun.
Wednesday, I brought my partner to a world-class hospital where he had his non-cancerous brain tumor “resolved.” He was released later that evening. I spent Thursday and Friday by his side as he recovered. He recovered very quickly and well.
Saturday was promising to be a gorgeous day, so I brought my brother to a Harley dealership up north of us to rent a Harley for a day. He rented one like the one that I have, and we rode together for about 150 miles, stopping for lunch and gas and stretch breaks. We didn’t know where we were going, but we had a great time riding together. His wife, by the way, was picked up by one of our sisters to go do girly things (like shopping.) I had a senior pal who my partner likes very much stay the day with him, just in case he needed anything and to make me feel less guilty leaving him alone so soon after surgery while going to ride motorcycles with my brother.
Sunday, yesterday, was sort of a wash-out. We awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and heavy rain. I was dismayed, because my brother and I were supposed to return that rental motorcycle before 10am to avoid another day’s rental fee. Fortunately, the rain stopped and the pavement dried, so my brother and I could return the rental Harley, and then I could take him back home. And yes, he rode as my passenger on my Harley — two guys on a Harley. No.big.deal. (Though some nutcase at the Harley rental shop had to make a homophobic wisecrack. My brother said something to him and shut him up. I detest narrow-minded ding-dongs who think that they always have to say something… stupid.)
As soon as my brother and I got home, my sister-in-law had prepared lunch for all of us. I parked my Harley in the garage and then the storm warnings began to sound again on my alert systems at home, and soon enough, it was raining hard again.
After lunch, my brother and sister-in-law took my truck and left to visit more family, while my partner and I sat in our basement and watched a movie together.
Back to work today (Monday).
Kinda boring, rather bland, but this is what I did on my Staycation. No more time off again until Christmas. It’s great that I love my job, though, because it makes work something that I look forward to doing (and using my Harley to get there.)
Life is short: keep busy, share joy, and show those you love that you love them.
Sometimes I feel as if we are living in the future that was projected when we watched Star Trek as a kid. By that, I mean that my partner’s surgery and subsequent recovery has been nothing short of amazing.
On Wednesday of this week, I brought my partner to one of the world’s leading teaching hospitals and had his brain tumor “resolved” by an outstanding neurosurgeon.
Using a laser knife, the doctor cut and cauterized the blood vessels that fed the tumor, but did not actually remove it. Because it is not cancerous, it does not have to be removed. It will shrivel and be absorbed.
I brought my partner home on the same night as his surgery, as he didn’t have any complications or need to be admitted to the hospital. And you know, that’s amazing. Imagine — having brain surgery in the morning and being released on the same day!
Yesterday, my partner awoke with a huge smile and tears of joy. He told me that it was the first night in over six months that he slept the entire night without the tinnitus caused by the brain tumor keeping him awake. Later in the day, he rose, got dressed, and read several chapters in a book. He ate well, and even watched some TV. He has no pain anywhere; in fact, my partner refused a prescription for a pain killer. He didn’t need it.
The only down-side to all of this is that he has become deaf in his left ear, but each doctor consulted through this ordeal told us to expect that.
We anticipate that the neurosurgeon will clear my partner to return to regular function when we see him on Monday of next week when the follow-up appointment is scheduled.
Be thankful for employer-provided health insurance, and that you can get the correct care at a very highly-qualified place if you know what to ask for and how to advocate. I thank my lovely aunt who passed away in January for giving me the “advocacy skills” with insurance companies. It is possible to get what you want, but you have to know how to ask for it.
Life is short: get the best care you can.
My usual happy-peppy-booted-and-leathered blog posts have been temporarily replaced today. As you read this, my partner is having a non-malignant brain tumor removed. He is at one of the world’s best facilities to have this procedure done, right here in our home state.
The doc said that it should be a simple and quick procedure, and will not require cutting bone or muscle tissue since he can access the tumor through the back of the neck. But it still is brain surgery… a very frightening thought.
Your well-wishes, thoughts, and prayers will be appreciated for my best half. I’ll post more later this week about how it went.
In the meantime, I have about a week’s worth of blog posts that will appear each day until I have time to get back to blogging. I am focusing on caring for the one I love.
As I often say: life is short — show those you love that you love them.
10:30am Update: writing from a computer in the hospital waiting room. Surgery is done, and was successful. Very tiny incision used to insert a laser knife. Blood vessels feeding the tumor were cut and cauterized. The tumor was not removed. Because it is non-malignant, it will shrink and be absorbed.
My partner looked okay, but obviously is groggy while still recovering from the anesthesia. But the best news — he nodded yes when the doc asked him, “is the ringing in your ears gone?” Yippie!
Headed back into the recovery room to hold his hand.
Here I go again, posting about how much I love my partner.
For the past several months, my partner has not been well. I have described what is going on in previous posts on this blog. He’s managing, and we’ll get through it, together. But there’s a long road ahead.
As my partner has had symptoms that cause him to suffer, then finding out the cause (a non-cancerous brain tumor), he has been even more quiet and reserved than ever. He is behaving that way because he is frightened. I understand that.
I want to help him as much as I can, but there is little that I can do… or so I thought.
What I quickly figured out what he needs most right now is to have me sit with him, hold his hand, and just “be” with him. So that is what I am doing. Just holding his hand, keeping close. We don’t have to say a word, and often we don’t. He can feel how much I love him, just by holding his hand. He knows. I know. That’s what a true, loving relationship is all about.
I felt badly in the way that I allowed other activities in my life take me away from my partner at a time when he needs me to comfort him. I got busy with family, with my motorcycle riding club, with my senior pals, and with community leadership work. I would look forward to writing blog posts and updating my website and so forth and so on — all taking me away from spending time with my partner.
Was it that I didn’t want to be with him? Of course not. But I allowed other things to consume precious time. Fortunately, if I can say one thing for being together 18+ years is that my partner understood that being “busy” was how I was. He never asked for anything, and didn’t complain when I ran off to this meeting or got involved in that project out-of-the-house.
But another credit to being together as long as we have been together is that I figured it out fairly quickly (or at least I am giving myself credit for it) … he wanted and needed more time with me. I scaled back my other activities tremendously — because, after all, my partner truly is my life, my love, my one-and-only. Nothing and no one is more important to me than he is. So if the blog doesn’t get written, the website gets stale, the Harley sits in the garage — so be it. He is my number one.
Life is short: hold the hand of the one you love.