I received an email the other day from the spouse of a guy who is from Oklahoma. He said that his husband

hates everything cowboy, including the boots. He thinks that cowboy culture perpetuates discrimination against gays in his hometown.

The email writer wanted to find ways to encourage his husband to embrace his roots, and try (at least) to wear boots. The writer himself enjoys wearing boots, and he would like his husband who hails from Oklahoma to do so.

As a youth, I spent a lot of time in Oklahoma — six months each year for my prime years of youth. Yep, that’s where my fondness of wearing western wear and cowboy boots was born, and even today while living in the eastern U.S. — Maryland — I wear cowboy boots every day that I don’t ride my Harley. I wear them to work, to professional and casual meetings, around town, etc.

However, knowing my fondness of “everything cowboy,” you may be surprised at my answer to this email. I wrote…

…the following reply:

You have written with thoughts and comments that are both interesting and sad. I am no psychologist, but I do have Oklahoma roots myself, I like wearing western wear, and I personally don’t give a damn about other people’s opinions about what I wear.

In a way, I can understand how your husband feels. I am probably much older than he is, and I remember Oklahoma from my early family days living there to be much more warm, welcoming, and accepting. Its politics were less severe and more balanced.

But nowadays, the politics in Oklahoma are rabidly and repugnantly ultra-conservative. It seems like every day, elected officials in Oklahoma find new ways to write discrimination against gay people into law. Anti-gay and homophobic comments are regularly made by all sorts of influential people, including clergy and even at the Governor’s level.

It can make a gay man with Oklahoma roots to feel deeply appalled, embarrassed, and want to do anything to avoid association with his roots.

The extreme conservative politics of Oklahoma these days has made it a game to see who can outdo someone else by ridiculing gay men & women and making the next anti-gay “joke” be even worse than the first.

So I completely understand where your husband is coming from where he does not want to wear clothing that represents the very image of people he wants to avoid thinking about.

There are some cowboys who are an exception — and generally most Okies I know (cowboys or not) as individuals — are not overtly homophobic. Most cowboys have a huge heart and wouldn’t want to hurt anyone with his words.

However, as a whole, the Okie Western Wear image more closely represents the negativity espoused by influential people (elected officials, religious leaders, local television personalities, and sports team officials and players, for example). The negativity is palpable, pervasive, and everywhere. Your husband is tired of hearing this shit every.single.damn.day and I don’t blame him!

Therefore, I wouldn’t try to make your husband “embrace” his roots because doing so forces him to revisit deep feelings that he probably has of rejection, fear, and hate.

If he does not want to wear boots and jeans, then so be it. I know that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I feel that no one should be made to wear clothing or footwear that causes bad feelings or emotions. I have hope that brighter, more intelligent minds will eventually prevail in Oklahoma. I know that is possible because it existed in the 30s through the ’70s when there was more of a balance in politics and actually more open minds of influentials in the state. I know that because I was there to see it.

I titled this post “Clothing Association Avoidance” because it applies to what the former Okie is probably feeling. However, I also practice “clothing association avoidance,” too. For example, I refuse to wear tailored suits, shirts with alligators or prominent “hip” logos on them, or expensive designer jeans. All of that clothing associates in my mind with the values of “hooray for me; I’m better than you!” trappings of yuppiehood consumerism, which I reject wholeheartedly. It works both ways — and I am far more comfortable as a “biker cowboy” than I am as a guppie.

Life is short: wear what makes you feel most comfortable with your feelings (but don’t wear flip-flops for any reason. I must uphold my standards that boots are for feet, and flip-flops are for the trash.)