Not Gay Enough

I’ve heard it all now.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from someone I have worked with, sporadically, on local government advocacy issues. We advocate for different matters — he is very active on the LGBT advocacy, while I engage in more mundane issues like transportation, roads, zoning, construction on in-fill lots, and so forth.

This guy and I met about ten years ago when we both volunteered to start up a local LGBT social group, but as is typical for gay things, the group started with a flash, then within a couple years, the A-gays who ran it flitted off to other things and the group fell apart.

Anyway, the phone call from this guy caught me off guard. He wanted me to know that he was getting married, but he did not want my feelings to be hurt because he was not sending me an invitation to the wedding.

Frankly, I felt…

… relieved. I do not like wedding receptions (gay or straight). I am not a party guy and neither is my husband. We both do not dance and my spouse is the recluse’s recluse.

But the guy getting married follows me on a certain popular social media platform. I am “out” on that platform, and comment from time to time about my spouse. The platform indicates that my status is “married.”

But I also post about a variety of other things that go on in my life, few (if any) have anything to do with my sexual orientation. (I also never post about politics on that social network, so I also have no indication of LGBT advocacy issues there.)

The caller said, flat-out, “I know you will see the announcement of our engagement and learn about our plans for the wedding ceremony and reception. It will be fabulous (his words, not mine.) But from what I can tell, you and your husband probably wouldn’t be interested. I sense that you’re not gay enough …”


Okay, he’s right. I am who I am. I am a working professional. I am a civic leader. I am a community volunteer. I am a Harley-rider. I am delighted with my family and love them loudly. I am married to a man. I am gay. I am … well, all of these and in no particular order.

I told the caller that I appreciated his thoughtfulness to be sure that my feelings would not be hurt. I explained, on the contrary, that I would have been concerned about hurting his feelings because I did not really want to attend a wedding (in particular, the reception following the marriage ceremony). Doesn’t matter that it was a same-sex wedding or not. I just don’t like wedding receptions because I dislike dressing up and as I said before, my spouse and I are not social enough to enjoy the event. (And I don’t dance!)

No harm, no foul. Neither of us got his feelings hurt. But this was the first time that I was told that I would not be invited to a wedding because “I am not gay ‘enough’.”

Life is short: be who you are; gay or straight or otherwise.