When Coming Out Does Not Work

Last week at the grocery store, I bumped into someone who I remember being close to in Junior High and High School. She got married almost immediately after high school graduation, and moved with her husband out of state. She never came back for high school reunions. I had not seen her since we both were 17 years old.

When we recognized each other, we smiled and said hello. It was evident that we both were in a bit of a hurry, so we exchanged contact information and promised to follow up.

That evening, I sent her an email. I brought her up-to-date since high school graduation. I mentioned the names of some of our mutual friends and what I knew about how they were doing. I also said that I had built a house and settled down with my partner, and explained that we had been together 16 years now, are happy, and are going strong. I also remember that her mother and mine had gotten to know each other, so I asked about her Mom and sadly explained that mine had died.

Two days later, I received a reply, which surprised and deeply disappointed me. At first, she caught me up on her life and family, including the status of her Mom (who has Alzheimer’s) in one paragraph. Then in five subsequent paragraphs, she ranted about my being gay, and said things like “when did you go do that?” and “why?” and then railed all the anti-gay quotes from the Bible. She explained that she had become Christian, and that she wanted to “save me.”

Oh please… it’s obvious that she has become brainwashed from what she has been taught to believe. It’s so sad, too, because when I knew her, I thought she had a fairly open mind. Not now….

I replied by saying this:

Thanks for your message. I’ve been gay since I was born, but did not realize it until I was in college. I did not “become” gay, I was born that way. If you can not accept it, then I’m sorry. I live a solid life with a man I love deeply, and who loves me. We work, we care for our families and do civic work in the community. We’re no different from any other couple who loves one another.

Then I signed my name and that was that… and I have not heard from her again.

By serendipity, a very similar situation happened to my best friend, AZ, who got in contact with his former third grade girlfriend, who replied to his catch-up email with a similar response to the one that I received. So sad… so disappointing.

What’s really sad to me is that people who call themselves Christians tend to act the most hateful toward anyone who is not like them, especially toward people who are gay. This contradiction in the teachings of the Bible is beyond me. But I know I am not the only one who has pondered this irony. You’re take?

2 thoughts on “When Coming Out Does Not Work

  1. I think it boils down to three things for them — sin, temptation, and obedience. Most of these types equate homosexuality with sin. By saying that we were born that way and live our lives accordingly, challenges their concept of sin. In other words, we are denying that homosexuality is a sin. I think she is more upset by that than anything else since she's taken the time to point to scripture that says it is. So, to them, we have chosen to be willfully disobedient and to live our lives in sin since we're ignoring the scripture references they provide. This infuriates them. Because we take this stance, it now gives them license to behave out of anger and assert that they speak for God. What she fails to realize is that the same tactics and techniques have been used to subjugate races of people, women, and anyone else deemed as disobedient to their concept of the will of God.


  2. My experiences are the same the ones that AZ and yourself have endured. My response is, "It is a shame that people with your belief's do not believe in America." The response I get is, "Yes we do!" My reply is always. . .your beliefs do not include freedom for every citizen, only ones like yourselves. . . how sad." I leave it at that.

    Good people show their value through actions within their community and their loved ones. Good people transend all walks of life. .doesn't matter if they are African-American, Hipsanic, Asian, gay, female, whatever. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it is simply her loss. We love you for you.


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