I received an email the other day from a regular reader who wrote:

I was wondering if you could write about a healthy marriage, specifically a healthy gay marriage. Gay men are getting married at record rates now but we don’t really have “elders” like our parents did to guide us. Also, are there any particular things to be mindful about when only one partner is into fetish and leather?

Hmmm… Great Question! Thanks.

I have some thoughts about this matter…

Like all marriages, our marriage is built on trust, financial stability, healthy sex, monogamy, good communication, and accepting that we are different people with different backgrounds that influenced who we became as adults.

We — operative term always is “we” — think of the other partner first before we think of ourselves. It has been that way since we met, 20 years before we could officially be married in our home state.

We work hard at supporting the other in many ways, from little to big.

For example, my Spouse knows what movies I like and don’t like, so he works hard to find movies that I would like, even if it is not his preference. That’s a little thing, but is telling of how he thinks of me before him.

He changes the linens on our bed every Wednesday. Again, it is a “little thing” but he knows I am comforted and sleep better on regularly-washed sheets (and also I don’t like to do laundry.)

Another example — I wake and rise naturally much earlier than my husband. I lay out clothes to wear in a spare bedroom the night before. When I wake, I quietly slip out of our bedroom, shut the door, grab a shower in the basement, then dress while the hubster still sleeps. I often putter around the kitchen and do the “prep work” for special meals the Spouse would like early in the morning as well.

So adding up the “little things” leads much to our healthy marriage. We each find ways to care for the other every day in many ways.

I also realize that my Spouse grew up very differently from me. His perspective on life and other people was strongly influenced by growing up in a small family with a stay-at-home Mom and a father who worked in the steel industry until it collapsed.

I grew up in a very large rambunctious family, lived six months in Oklahoma and six months in Maryland, and both parents worked in the political realm, with my Dad being an International Diplomat and Mom working for a Member of Congress.

We both had wildly different backgrounds, so we learned about each other and came to know and respect our different upbringings. What we had in common was two loving and caring parents who were honest and respectful of each other and who raised their kids to be caring and thoughtful, honest adults.

The most important lesson that all married couples (regardless of same-sex or opposite-sex) learn is communicate, communicate, communicate. Listening is more important than talking. For us, Spouse is the listener more naturally than I am. However, he taught me to sit back, keep my mouth shut, and actually listen to what the other is truly saying.

When he says something I disagree with — or the other way around — rather than get hot, angry, and yell — we each step back and take a breath. Then we find ways to ask or probe more about whatever it was that may have upset us. 99% of the time, it’s a misunderstanding that more communication can clarify.

Neither of us are “my way or the highway” kind of people. We have learned, probably through maturity of age, that standing firm on some position and being arrogant and stubborn doesn’t help anyone. So again, we ask, probe, discuss, and eventually resolve.

We do not “agree to disagree.” For us, we reach understanding and agree that is how each of us feel. Hard to describe, but for us, that’s how it works.

We WORK on our marriage every day. We truly believe and practice our vows to stand with you in celebration and sadness, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. I pledge my love, devotion, faith, and honor to you for now and evermore.

Importantly, we are honest with each other. We never lie or hide things. We don’t “play around” with other men, on-line or in person. Honesty builds more of the relationship than anything else. If you lose trust in your marital partner, that’s often when the relationship goes south (ends.)

Aside — to the question, “are there any particular things to be mindful about when only one partner is into fetish and leather?”

Just understand that each person is an individual with likes or dislikes, different preferences or pleasures. We each support that the other enjoys different things and support that.

For example, my husband never really liked boots. Before he became disabled, he would wear them to please me, but not regularly. He also would wear leather garments and looked hot! But wearing leather was not something he enjoyed as much as I did. So I didn’t “push it.” Sometimes we did, but most of the time, we didn’t.

My Spouse likes bikini-type swim wear, and looks hot as heck when he wears a Speedo. But such swimwear does not work for me or my body type. And that’s okay. Spouse can wear his Speedos as much as he wants, and I sit back and observe with lots of, well, gratefulness that I have such a hot-looking man as my husband! Woof!

I do not think there is any difference between same-sex or opposite-sex marriages when it comes down to what makes a marriage healthy. Good communication, mutual support, no keeping secrets, listening to the other before opening mouth, doing the little things, keeping finances open and transparent, and a little “noggie” from time to time — all of that supports a healthy and happy long-term marriage.

I find myself today truly tested on the part of our marriage vows, “to stand with you in … sadness [and] … in sickness.” Yes, Spouse is quite ill and I’m doing all I can to care for him. Love him. Listen to him. Support him.

Why? WE (operative term again) have a healthy, supporting, and loving marriage.

Life is short: work on the marriage every day; that’s the way we roll.