I was asked by a blog follower to comment on aging alone. As many readers of this blog know, I look after a rather large cadre of older people who I call my “senior pals.” These people are neighbors and friends of my family, then friends of theirs, then friends of friends of friends… my senior network has grown over time — mostly because I cannot say “no” to a kind face and warm heart.

But this post is not about me or what I do to volunteer my time outside of work. It is about the issue of how older people deal with aging alone.

I am no expert. I do not have degrees or expertise in gerontology. I am not a geriatric medical professional. I have gained experience the hard way — by caring for my mother as she aged, then died due to sudden cardiac arrest, then caring for my elderly uncle through the winter of his life through his passing, and then caring for his wife, my aunt, as she was laden with the burdens of Alzheimer’s Disease.

My Mom and family had older friends. I was asked to help them out. Then they referred me to their friends. I took some of them grocery shopping when I took my aunt to the store. Over time, this network of “friends-of-friends” of “can’t say no to friends” continued to grow. My cup runneth over with many friendly faces who I am happy to help to the degree that I have time and have the ability to do so.

As I cared for my family and this network of older friends, I learned a lot about growing old graciously. However, I also learned that aging is hard. Getting old reduces mobility. It affects bodily functions, health, and mental acuity.

There are things that older people simply cannot do for themselves any more — or should not try. For example, climbing up a ladder to remove leaves from the gutters, or crouching into uncomfortable positions while doing a home repair, or even driving as visual acuity, peripheral vision, and reaction times diminish with age.

Then there is the seminal event for most people as they age — their spouse or partner in life dies. Face it, for all couples, one of the members of the team dies first. That leaves the other to fend for her- or himself. (Although in most cases, the male dies first as men have a shorter life span than women.)

What I have learned from speaking with many of my senior pals who live alone and how they deal with aging alone is:

• Anticipate being alone. Talk about it while you are younger. Do not pretend that you or your spouse are immortal.
• Plan ahead financially. Yeah, we’ve all heard that. But it’s not just the routine household expenses and increased costs of medical care to plan for. You will need to plan to pay for services that you once were able to accomplish by yourself, such as household maintenance, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, and similar physical tasks.
• Think about where you are living and if that is still the best fit for your circumstances. Should you consider selling a big, rickety old house and moving to a condo? Should you move in with your son and his family? Should you move to a retirement community that has “step up” facilities as health issues may be more of a problem? Each situation is different, but the point is, you need to consider that where you are is not where you should be while living alone.
• Learn all the activities of life management and how to do them. For example, what regular bills there are and how to pay them. Believe it or not, there are a few of my senior pals who never learned how to manage a household account, never wrote a check, and thought “my husband will do it” and were completely unaware/unable to handle routine matters like this after their husbands died because they never learned how.
• Enjoy children and grandchildren, but grow your network beyond your family, especially if your family do not live close by. There are two reasons for this recommendation: 1) sometimes you need a little help from a close-by set of trusted hands and can’t wait until your son can visit next month; 2) sometimes you need an independent, disassociated ear. Children sometimes do not want to admit that Mom may have a problem or may be so overcome with fear of losing their mother that they may not take action, hoping that the situation may magically go away.
• Be active. Take walks. Go swimming. Learn to dance. Move. Many studies show that inactivity and a sedentary lifestyle leads to many more health problems. So get up and get moving. Even if it’s only walking around the block or up and down the hall — the point is, make exercise and movement a daily routine.
• Get up and get dressed each and every day. Some of my senior pals have told me that living alone is depressing, and they often just want to stay in bed, or when they get up, they think, “no one is here and I’m not going anywhere, so I don’t have to get dressed.” It’s all in the attitude. Getting up and getting dressed is an important method to break the cycle of despair and depression.
• Eat well. Preparing meals for one person is hard to do. Living on cans of soup and cereal is not healthy. Nowadays, even though it is a bit more expensive, there are prepared meals available for single servings. Take a course (in person or on-line) about nutrition for single adults. It’s amazing how simple it can be to find nutritious, well-balanced meals that do not involve tons of leftovers.
• Ask for help. There are tasks that cannot be done by yourself any more, or shouldn’t be. Have courage to admit that you can’t do it alone, and ask for help.
• Develop some close, personal friendships — don’t be a loner. Some of my senior pals told me that their friends were actually friends of their spouse, and when the spouse died, they suddenly didn’t have anyone to talk to or spend time with. Make friends of your own who will be there to talk to and do things with. Aging will happen, but one does not have to be alone.

As I began this post, I’m no expert. I do not (quite) consider myself old. However, I feel myself aging. I know what is more difficult for me to do as I assist my senior pals. I have, personally, done several of the advanced-planning steps listed above myself. My spouse and I both know where the bills are and how to pay them (including on-line payment and all the crazy passwords!) We both have planned for how we will live without the other. While that is difficult to think about (and even made me cry), we feel better having made these plans because we are more assured that the other will be okay after the other dies.

I cannot say that my spouse and I are perfectly prepared to live alone. For example, I still have to work on encouraging my spouse to develop his own network of friends and people besides me who may be able to help him or on whom he can call if he needs help. This is my ongoing challenge, and it won’t be easy.

Aging itself is not easy. Being alone can be hard. But planning ahead, developing a routine exercise plan, eating well, and developing a network may extend your life with happiness for many years.

Life is short: age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.