It is hard for some people to understand that I am fundamentally an introvert. I enjoy meeting people in professional groups to which I belong as a member or group leader. I also have done and enjoy public speaking, but that is more of a performance than “the real me.”

The “real me” is quiet and happy with his life at home. When I travel, I keep pretty much to myself and go on self-guided excursions. I may see a friend or two for a meal, but that’s about it.

Why then do I have such a public internet presence? After all…

My website has been around since 2005, and have been writing this blog since 2008. I keep the website updated frequently as a hobby I enjoy. I also have a profile on Recon and BLUF — but that is mostly to keep my BHD identity to myself and not have the same name / identity abused by someone else who may copy my images and screen name to pretend to be me, but he’s not.

I also exchange messages on those platforms when I remember to check. Since I am still “old-school,” I prefer to use regular old email to communicate, especially since I do not receive or send text messages since I do not have a sillyphone (by choice).

I said in a recent comment on a previous blog, I have traveled a lot around the world, mostly for work, but also for fun with my husband.

I have lived and worked in Europe, Australia, and New Zealand. I loved it there, but that is the past.

Since my husband died, I have lost interest in travel for wanderlust purposes. I enjoyed showing him new sights and fantastic places in the USA, Canada, and the world that I had the privilege of visiting before. But since he is gone, my interest in travel, visits with others, and so forth, is … just … gone. (I still travel for specific reasons, but not to attend events with mobs of people.)

I mean no disrespect to anyone who would like to visit with me, but when I say “no,” remember, it is not about you — it is about me.

I am not ready to see other people. I do not think I ever will again (socially).

Even though I live in my own house, I do not entertain visitors, give tours of my boot or leather collections, host overnight guests, or “other things.” I like my house as I know it, alone and with the spirit of my husband who is always present with each thing I see in our house that we furnished together.

I will visit with fellow bikers (on the road) who have their own motorcycles and go for a ride together in my home state of Maryland. Since I have downsized my motorcycle to a cruiser — not a touring bike — my rides are local, daytime, short (3 – 5 hours), and without a passenger (pillion). That is the type of riding that I currently enjoy before I hang up my helmet for good. Not sure when that may happen, but sooner than later, my motorcycle riding days will be done.

Please understand that if you suggest we visit (either I travel somewhere to see someone or someone travels to see me), I will say as gently as I can, “no.” The best half of my body, my soul, was torn from me when my husband died. We were truly bonded as one in marriage and in life.

I am concentrating on repairing that huge hole in my heart. I have a lot of support from family and friends I have known for most of my life in the community where I was born, raised, educated, purchased and built homes, and served in elected and civic office.

It will take a very long time for healing to continue. I am okay with that. I have learned through my Support Group that healing a loss from the death of a Spouse is more of a journey with highs, lows, and different ways of moving through a new chapter of my life that I was not planning on this early.

Yes, time heals all wounds. But the wound of losing half of what made me what I am — may be — may be — unrepairable. I will live on as brightly as I can, but much (MUCH) more time is required.

Change happens, life goes on, and us introverts are happy, alone, at home.

Please understand: I am okay, but happy as an introvert, volunteering to honor my husband’s memory and to keep myself busy and productive.

As I always say,

Life is short: to thine own self be true.

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About BHD

I am an average middle-aged biker who lives in the greater suburban sprawl of the Maryland suburbs north and west of Washington, DC, USA.