I mentioned that I recently attended a training event for leaders of motorcycle clubs for Harley riders. There were about 800 people there and it was good to see that well over 25% of them were female. Motorcycle club leadership for Harley riders is less dominated by men, which in my opinion, is a good thing.

With more attention these days about treatment of women and sexual harassment, I can say that in my observation, the men at this event were respectful. There was much less sexual innuendo in the marketing materials and thankfully — for the first time — no scantily-clad bikini-wearing women draped on Harleys for photo ops. Yay! (Personally, I appreciate that effect of the “me too” movement!)

While more inclusive and respectful treatment of women was observed, I regret that…

…several of these straight bikers still have hangups about gay men, especially those of us who are legally married to another man.

Throughout the weekend, I heard snide remarks and chatter about “the gays” and “homos” and comments derived from stereotypes held about gay men (“swishy,” “lightweight,” “weak,” and so forth.)

During a breakout session among about 100 people, one guy said something about “a fag on a Harley falling off because he can’t hold (body part) of the rider.” This statement garnered hoots and hollers with guffaws of laughter from some people, but not everyone (including me). But no one challenged him, including the instructor. Pace and content changed quickly, as if the instructor wanted to pretend he didn’t hear it.

Later that same day at another breakout session, I ended up seated at a table with the same guy who made that “fag” comment. I was struggling to figure out if I should say something, and if I did, what?

As that session continued, we were asked to talk to people at our tables about the qualities and traits of what makes a good leader. I took that as an opportunity to point out that successful leaders are inclusive of everyone, are not judgmental, and listen more than they talk.

Others at the table chimed in with supportive and additional constructive statements.

That guy who made that comment didn’t say very much. So I asked him, “how do you think members of (your group) think about a leader who uses derogatory labels for certain groups of people?”

He said, “we know not to do that. It isn’t right.”

I followed up by asking, “didn’t you say something at (session name) about ‘a fag on a Harley’ just this morning?”

He turned red. Then he said, “well, you know.”

I said, “no, really, I don’t know. The reason why I don’t know is that I am gay, I am married to a man, and I was elected by my club to be its leader.”

I was going to say more, but the almost-instant reaction from this guy and those at my table stopped me cold. Faces changed quickly from quizzical to shocked to amused.

Then the guy stammered, “uh, ah… not what I meant… I mean, you’re not… ummm, ahhhh.”

I let him off the hook. I just said, “sometimes, a banana is a banana and a guy is a guy.” Everyone laughed.

Point made. Being who I am is what got me to where I am — in life, at home, with my husband, with my fellow Harley riders and club members. I am no different, no better, no worse. Lesson learned, minor mission accomplished.

Life is short: be the man you are.