As my family, friends, and readers of this blog know, my partner has been, and remains, ill with symptoms of a persistent infectious disease caused by a spirochete transmitted by a tick bite. It’s a disease that can happen when living in an area populated by deer.

My friends in the boot world and blogosphere have heard about this long-term difficult situation in which I am engaged.

It can be sad and depressing when one is experiencing a life event and he only hears silence. There are times when silence is deafening.

Most people have trouble dealing with these matters, because they want to show concern, but do not know how to do it. Also, they are human. Most people do not want to think about bad things. To some, ignorance is bliss. To the one affected, ignorance presents questions like, “are my friends fair-weather friends only, and disappear when it rains?”

Here are some suggestions on what to say (or do) when you don’t know what to say….

These suggestions are simply ideas or thoughts about how you respond to someone you know is having a tough time.

* Drop a line and say, “I am thinking about you.” Just a word to say that you’re not forgotten means a lot.

* Share good news about your life. What has made you smile and happy lately? It is immensely refreshing to hear good news for a change. On the converse, it is not true that misery loves company. Don’t unload “woe is me” stories. When someone is feeling bad, they really don’t want to know that it could be worse. It’s bad enough already.

* Do not offer platitudes like, “it will be better in no time.” It won’t. It will get better, but not as soon as the platitude suggests.

* If you are connected via social media or web-based forums, *reply* to postings or hit the “like” button. Let the person know you are paying attention, even for a brief moment. If the person doesn’t post, then post a message on his “wall/timeline” with a “thinking about you” or “here’s a funny joke” message. It will be noticed and appreciated. (But don’t post a public message asking for personal information such as “how is your partner doing?” There are some things that are better left private.)

* Instead of saying, “let me know what I can do,” do something. Send a card, e-card, e-mail, bake a cake and deliver it. Offer to do something to lighten the load, if the person wants to accept it. Go grocery shopping, run errands, pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, or just visit. Ride over on your motorcycle and say, “let’s go get some lunch.” One of my sisters sends a book every.single.week with a note, “I read this book and enjoyed it. I hope you will, too.” Other friends occasionally send me PDF articles or thought-provoking questions by email, asking for my thoughts and opinions. It’s a way to engage me on another level, and shows that my advice is valued. (Also provides a diversion from dwelling on the current bad life event situation.)

* Avoid offering medical advice unless specifically requested or you actually are a physician and understand the specialty. Man oh man, if I had a nickel for every doctor that “you have to see” or treatment idea that I have been offered about my partner’s condition, I would be rich. I know the suggestions are well-intended, yet the sender is not aware how overwhelming and difficult these suggestions are to deal with.

* If you are a person of faith, be gentle about offering words of prayer or restate what you have been taught by your religion to believe, that “it’s God’s plan.” Not everyone believes that way, and offers of prayer and transferring faith in “God’s Plan” may cause more anxiety than actually help. Sure, if you know the person to whom you are reaching out actually shares the same religious beliefs as you do, then do that. But if you don’t know or if you know the person does not believe in prayer or in your God, don’t try to convert them to your way of thinking (on a spiritual level.) It just doesn’t work.

* Keep in touch. Send an email, card, or call at least once a week. Even sending a funny joke via email can help, and let the person know he is being remembered. Drifting away only heightens anxiety and confusion.

And finally,

* Understand that the person with whom you are communicating may have emotionally rough periods and may be in denial or avoidance — and thus not respond to you or your thoughtful gesture. He may refuse a visit — perhaps because the house is a mess and he’s embarrassed to have visitors (or in my case, the partner is a recluse and hates interruptions by visitors). I know this is a conundrum — I am advising “reach out” and saying that the recipient may not respond in return. Accept that it’s not personal. The recipient may be busy, emotionally withdrawn, or protecting the person who is ill.

I know it is hard to think of what to do or what to say when you care about someone who is having a rough patch. Small gestures, notes, positive comments, cards, etc., help a lot more than you may realize.

Life is short: show those you love how you love them.