Spouse and I visited his mother in Pittsburgh over the long three-day weekend for the U.S. Labor Day holiday. First time Spouse has seen his mother since late April. This trip, Spouse began to…

…grieve for the mother he once knew as a child and later as an adult.

She was poorly educated and sheltered by her husband, so she never learned to manage her finances, drive, or do much beyond simple tasks.

She did, however, always have an adventuresome spirit. She would get on a bus and go into the city and window shop, walk around, and just have a day out. She did not go to museums, libraries, or parks on her outings. She just “got out.”

Fifteen years ago, I took Spouse and his Mom on a three-week trip to Europe. First time both had been there. We visited several sites where I lived during my study-abroad year in Germany, Austria, and a lot of northern, central, and southern Italy.

Mom loved the sites, but did not understand much of the history. However, she was a good sport and every day was an adventure for her. As it was for Spouse back when his physical condition was good and he could carry heavy loads (luggage, day-packs, etc.)

Over time, Mom grew older and more frail. She had a health crisis three years ago when Spouse’s sister made her walk so much that Mom got a compression fracture in her back. Spouse lived with her for eight long weeks, nurturing her back to a modicum of health.

Mom was stable until once again, her daughter visited this past July and dragged her out again every day. And, once again, another compression fracture in her back. Sister is oblivious that she did anything wrong or caused her mother’s injury.

But soon after she left, Mom’s condition got worse. Her dementia increased. She lost even more weight — and she was already down to 90 pounds anyway when we saw her for her 90th birthday in late April.

Now she weighs 83 pounds, and it’s only getting worse. She does not eat much. She claims that eating hurts her teeth. Her dentures no longer fit and she will not use them. So she only eats what she can drink or is so soft, it does not require chewing.

As a result of her decline in mental and physical state, she was admitted to in-home hospice care. Caregivers + hospice helpers attend to her needs for about a half-day each day, seven days a week.

Please do not suggest, “it’s time to move her to a care facility.” She moves, she dies. She can’t handle that emotionally. Even her doctor agrees.

Also, don’t suggest “just hire a live-in caretaker.” There is no one available that M-I-L will accept. Trust us, we’ve searched and have had professionals search. Just isn’t in the cards.

This past weekend began the process for Spouse to grieve for the loss of the mother he once knew. It was sad to witness this.

She would get agitated easily and become upset when the slightest change to routine was introduced. She only operates on “automatic” now — doing things that she has always done, but nothing different. Any change is very upsetting to her, causing her to fight back. There is no reasoning with dementia. That disease has won. All we can do is love her and ensure comfort and care.

I just did what I always do — love harder. Be strong for the man I love. Listen to him, let him cry on my shoulder, be there and provide support.

Life is short: Love isn’t what we’re in, it’s what we do.