Down Time

Just going through the motions of trying to keep going with the blog. My boots and I have had a difficult time returning to life back at the ol’ BHD ranch.

Spouse so antagonized my twin brother with emotional outbursts while I was in Alaska last week that my brother left for his home in Italy on Monday. I was hoping he would stay through our birthday tomorrow, but such was not the case.

Brother learned how hard it is when “the disease speaks” and controls thought. I can separate the evil voice of disease-and-fear-led anger from the man I married. My brother didn’t marry my man, so with all that was going on in his world on his volunteer assignments bringing him much emotional distress, he didn’t need any more stress from his brother-in-law.

I will miss him terribly, but he needs a break. Go home to his loving wife, rest, and recover. Ti amo, mio fratello. Ora e sempre.

Spouse is self-diagnosing too much from the internet and compounding his health issues with distractions of worry about medical conditions that are remotely possible, but he is convinced he has. So this week, he scheduled four medical appointments with more specialists to chase his conditions demonstrated by seriously debilitating pain, nerve issues, and other problems.

I do not doubt that something is medically wrong. I just don’t know — and neither do any of the 43 doctors we have seen this year so far — what possibly could be the cause of these bewildering symptoms and not knowing that, how to treat it.

Treatments have been worse than the original symptoms. Reactions to various drugs are frequent and puzzling. He seems to be allergic to air, water, and walking. Hmmmmph.

Then on top of all this, Spouse’s mother is very slowly slipping away. Spouse has done a tremendous job arranging in-home palliative and hospice care for her. We were going to try to see her this weekend, but Spouse’s medical condition prevents that.

Once again, my birthday tomorrow will be a bust. I have had to take off work again to care for the Spouse, cart him to numerous doctor’s appointments, then be prepared to patiently peel him off the ceiling and calm him when each doctor he sees will say, “nothing wrong here… nothing to treat.”


Life is short: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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