I have been hesitant to post anything on this blog about my spouse’s ongoing health condition as he continues the fight to recover from the serious long-term infections he had been dealing with almost this entire year when he had a major relapse starting last December. But now…
…when he says that he is feeling better, I take that to mean that not only is his physical recovery going better, but his mental outlook on his condition has dramatically improved.
When my spouse’s physical illness was at its worst throughout 2014, he had what I thought was a permanent perception that it was his “lot in life” to remain sick, always be in pain, be fatigued, and unable to live life as he knew it.
I kept focusing on the positive — small steps, little things that were good. I pointed them out and always focused on the bright side. On days when there was no bright side (many of those days, unfortunately), I would sing a stupid song, or tell a silly joke, or wear a funny hat, or make strange noises. I might crawl on the floor and pull on his leg. I might bring him some flowers or balloons. I always looked for ways to brighten his mood, his day, and his outward perceptions.
Believe me, that took a huge amount of calling on my faith. There were days when I was not even sure I could hold myself together. It was damn hard sometimes.
But when things got real tough, I would lean on my faith, my twin brother, my other siblings, and my close friends. Sometimes I needed to scream (privately) or cry or vent frustration and anger.
Sure, I may project a happy-peppy-bright personality, and generally I am that way, but I am human, and I know that I cannot always be that way. Outwardly with my spouse — always. Inwardly with myself — not. Without my foundation of faith and the strong support of my family and close friends, I never would have been able to remain sane.
Well, here we are. My spouse is admitting that he is feeling better.
Has he recovered? Not completely. He may never completely recover. The diseases he has suffered from have caused permanent damage to his joints. He can barely walk. He must use an assistive device when walking, and that embarrasses him. That’s why he will not go out in public very much, except perhaps to the grocery store where he can use a grocery cart for support instead of a cane.
But with the change in mental attitude and more positive thinking, I truly feel that he is definitely on the mend. With faith and hope, this Christmas won’t be nearly as awful as last Christmas when he was under siege by those awful bugs and their toxins.
Thanking my faith, my brother, my siblings, and my close friends. But most importantly, I thank my spouse for saying what I have been longing to hear for some 13 months: “I am better.”
Life is short: have faith.