The Z List

My spouse and I continue to find stories in the newspaper about same-sex couples who marry and have the marriage ceremony performed by a publicly prominent individual, including one of the most recent in New Jersey (congratulations, New Jerseyans, on becoming the 14th state +DC to provide marriage equality!)

In September, we read an article in our local newspaper about a Justice who serves on the U.S. Supreme Court conducting the marriage ceremony at the big A-Gay wedding of the President of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. That Justice also performed the same-sex marriage ceremony for the Director of Communications of a major U.S. Federal Government agency.

Readers of this blog know that I have served in public positions in my community. When you serve, even in minor public office as I did, you get to know people who serve in elected office at the local, state, and national level.

Did we think of asking someone who serves in visible, prominent leadership position to marry us?

As the texting-kids would say, “R U Kidding?”

The absolute last thing that my spouse would have is attention, especially in the press. He is a very private guy and has always been that way.

When I worked in a local (minor) public office position, my spouse (then partner) worked behind the scenes on my campaign, but avoided going to public appearances with me. Not because he is ashamed or feared being “outted,” but rather, he is very uncomfortable with other people. More than one other person is a crowd, in his opinion.

His behavior is consistent. He does not attend family gatherings with me, either. He just hates noise, attention, and fuss.

While I did have siblings attend our marriage ceremony, especially my twin brother who would kill me if he weren’t there, they are all we had for witnesses to our marriage. Remember, we didn’t have nor wanted a “wedding.” Heck, we had been together almost 20 years when we married, so a “wedding” was never in the plans. Last thing either of us wanted was all the fuss and fal-de-roll of a wedding. Bleccch….

I was fortunate that a friend who I had known since grade school who serves as a judge in our local circuit court was available, and he performed our marriage ceremony in a small room in our county courthouse. But that was out of a 50-year friendship — not for the “visibility factor” of that person.

Overall, we kept things to a mild roar, honoring my spouse’s wishes for “low-key.” I negotiated and he accepted having a few more witnesses at our ceremony than he wanted, but he knows how important my family is to me (and didn’t want to suffer from the blows he or I would receive from my brother J.)

We enjoy being among the “Z list.” The quiet, unassuming, Z-gays. Visibility and all the fuss and bother are fine for others. Quiet, serene, tranquil, calm, no fuss, no bother, no flowers, boots & blue jeans — best for us.

Life is short: enjoy being on the Z-list!

One thought on “The Z List

  1. And that is why I value your friendship. You don’t need a rainbow flag, a Supreme Court Justice, or the gaudiest wedding band on your finger, along with TV coverage and the precisely correct color of napkins at your rehearsal dinner to be who and what you are. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the world needs fewer gay guys and more gay gentlemen.

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