I continue to be … amazed… dumbfounded… incredulous… sad… to read links from posts on a popular social network from some of my colleagues around the United States that lead to articles or blogs about “the gays imposing their gay agenda on us.”
Really? Yeah, you caught us. We definitely have a plan to take over the world.
Here is the Gay Agenda for my spouse and me this weekend:
Setting: our house in the Maryland suburbs of Washington, DC
Dawn: draw open the drapes, snuggle closely, and watch dawn break on the trees in the forest behind our house.
5:30am: hop out of bed, quickly dress in jeans, t-shirt, and comfortable hiking boots, and meet a senior pal to go on a long walk — about 3 to 5 miles.
6:50am: return home, quick shower, change to non-sweaty jeans, t-shirt, and cowboy boots.
7am: I prepare home-made gluten-free waffles for my spouse — from scratch. Like with buckwheat, rice, and oat flour.
8am: I pick up three little old ladies and take them grocery shopping, helping them to find things on high shelves and carry heavy loads into their respective homes.
8am: Simultaneously, spouse is doing laundry, changing the linens, and doing housekeeping. Man, he’s sooooo gay, doing all those domestic chores.
9:30am: I return home and change into camo BDUs with logger boots and a old raggy t-shirt. Yeah, I’m gonna get down and dirty with my spouse.
Morning: We work on building a water feature and patio in our back yard, using building materials we purchased earlier in the week from a building supplies retailer. We lift heavy rocks, bricks, and level a muddy area where we lay the bricks, mortar them together, and continue “the build.”
We become hot, sweaty, and smell real manly. (We don’t want to give off odors of “products.” Sorry, we aren’t into gay “products.”)
Noon: We take a break. Spouse continues with doing more laundry while I prepare a home-made yeast-free and gluten-free pizza — from scratch. Like with gluten-free flour and fresh tomatoes with fresh mozz cheese that an ol’ Italian pal gave to me as a gift. Okay, here we go again being soooooo gay and domestic.
1:45pm: I hop in the shower, clean up a bit, then change into clean jeans, biker t-shirt, and White’s boots. (Yep, gay guys can and do where tough, manly boots.)
2pm: A buddy, local motor officer, shows up on his personal Harley. I hop on my Harley and together we run a “pre-ride” for a motorcycle ride I will lead on Sunday for my motorcycle club. We don’t even get lost. A miracle. (Everyone knows that gay men have no navigational abilities.)
4pm: I arrive home. Greet the spouse with a kiss. (Uh-oh, there we go being gay again.) I kick my boots up and sit back and relax a bit and catch up with my spouse. He has so many interesting things to talk about. News of the day, how the gardens are performing, and plans for the next steps for our backyard work.
4:45: I make some regular phone calls (via landline phone — no gay smartphone for us!) to check in on house-bound senior pals, just to make sure they’re okay. All is well.
5pm: I go to the kitchen and begin preparations for dinner. Steaks on the grill, baked potatoes, green beans. Sorry, no froo-froo gay frilly-food. Just manly food for us hard-working men.
6pm: We eat, and talk some more. No TV or other blather while we eat.
6:30pm: We strip. Ooops… here we go again. Yep, we’re nekkid in the hot tub.
7:30pm: We get dressed in shorts, t-shirts… and barefoot. Yep, no boots; no flip-flops, either. Just plain ol’ us, almost nekkid. Here we go again!
7:30pm ’til late, like about 9pm: watch TV in our basement leisure room.
9pm: We both are exhausted. Time for bed.
9:01pm: brush teeth. Piss and poop. Disrobe. Collapse.
Dawn: same sunrise sunny snuggle.
5:30am: another five-mile walk for exercise and joy.
7am: same gluten-free homemade waffle breakfast.
8am: I pull on a pair of cowboy boots with jeans and a regular shirt, then drive my truck to pick up 3 little old ladies and take them to church along with my spouse. Yeah, there I go again, driving home my gay agenda: boots in church. Man, that gay agenda is awful, ain’t it? I mean, a guy wearing boots to church? Blasphemy!
9:30am: home from church. Quick change to jeans, t-shirt, leather vest, and biker boots (haven’t figured out which pair just yet.) I hop on the Harley and ride off to meet members of my club to go on a motorcycle ride I promised to lead.
From here, the agenda gets fuzzy, because at the time I wrote this post, the weather forecast is “iffy.” I may not be able to lead the motorcycle ride due to rain. If it rains, I cancel the ride. Mostly because I want to continue to pursue my gay agenda with my spouse by chasing him nekkid through the house.
Life is short: enjoy life — as regular as anyone else!