So yeah, my last post on this blog was a bit of a downer and uncharacteristic of my usual nature in writing more positively and/or instructively. Sorry about that; nobody likes a gripey sourpuss, myself included. However, it is my blog, and it serves as a bit of a catharsis to write about how I am feeling.
I received some direct email messages as a result of that blog post, and I appreciate what my friends had to say in expressions of concern.
Where do we go from here?
The hardest part is that my partner’s illness is one of those mysteries that requires ruling out what it isn’t, and then medical professionals advising what “it could be” by what’s left over (or not ruled out by tests and observations of conditions and symptoms).
It isn’t cancer, thank goodness. It isn’t his brain tumor returning. It isn’t a problem with his heart, lungs, circulatory system, brain function, nor ability to derive nutrition from what he eats. None of that.
It’s not diabetes, it’s not Parkinson’s Disease, it’s not… it’s not… it’s not. All these “it isn’ts” is making both my partner and me nuts. It’s all I can do to prevent my partner from doing more self-diagnosis-via-internet. We all know that trying to figure out what illness you may have by reading descriptions on the internet is very dangerous. While my partner is not a hypochondriac, he is identifying symptoms of his attacks which seem to match symptoms described of a number of neurological disorders.
Then we have the compounded situation with my mother-in-law asking a number of questions that we cannot answer. To her, a non-answer is a confirmation that my partner’s condition is worse. I can’t wait until I take her back home after Christmas.
Meanwhile, I am maintaining a positive focus. Derived from faith, built on confidence, and momentum maintained through a real belief that this situation will resolve, will get better, and that we will get my partner to a state of being able to manage what’s going on himself.
We are not ones to believe in superstition or place our trust in just one doctor’s “I think it could be” advice. We are fully engaged in a positive way in learning, listening, asking questions, and being proactive in what we do about this situation.
Yeah, this year, Christmas will be different. But I remain the luckiest man alive, in that I have my partner by my side — to love, to care for, to honor, and to cherish all the days of our lives.
Life is short: show those you love that you love them.