What To Expect When Visiting a Leather Bar

I received an email asking me questions about leather bar attendance and attire:

what would be the best leather outfit to wear in a leather bar as a first timer? And what should I expect to happen once I make an appearance at an all-men leather bar? What goes from there?

I thought I had blogged about these questions before, but in searching this blog, I discovered that I have not.

Let me remedy that right away. I will write from the perspective of a gay man in the United States. I have not visited leather-oriented establishments in Europe.

But now Leather Up and get ready…

First thing I should say is that here in the U.S., so-called “leather bars” of today (2017) in the United States are absolutely nothing like leather bars of the 1970s or the “pre-AIDS” era of the 1980s.

Back then, as stories go from documentaries and histories I have seen and read, as well as listening to the tales from men older than me who survived the experiences (and didn’t get HIV) — the leather bars were rather wild with lots of “back-room” and open male-on-male sex. The dark, smokey atmosphere was both mysterious and intimidating to many. Guys would drink heavily, do drugs, smoke, and carry on in such ways that are unprintable on this g-rated blog.

Then when the AIDS scare struck in the mid-80s, and we saw friends die from scary, unknown, and untreatable disease, the openly wild sexcapades in leather bars were reduced and eventually pretty much eliminated. Leather bars became a place where men would meet likewise-minded men (who liked and wore leather gear). Men would choose to display certain accessories to indicate their sexual and fetish preferences. Remember the “Hanky Code?” Wearing a harness, or display a flogger on the left, etc. — all relics of the past.

I came of age as a gay man in the mid 80s, and was as afraid of contracting AIDS (HIV) from just going into a bar, much less meeting a man and doing something with him. So I did not actually visit a leather bar until after I met the man to whom I am now married. I will refer to him as BB for this post. We met in 1993 at a mutual friend’s home.

BB had been to leather bars before we met and knew what to expect. He understood that I was curious to know what a leather bar was like, so we went to one. Then we went again. And again. We enjoyed it.

What made it enjoyable? To be with a crowd of men who liked and wore leather and to “man-watch.” Okay, I admit it, we each are monogamous sex-wise, but we are healthy men and can look, admire, and discuss. We would often notice Leathermen who wore their leather well, and I would compliment them. “Nice boots! Great gear! Terrific vest! Great-fitting chaps!” Guys liked to hear these things (most of them anyway. The conceited notwithstanding.)

But the major reasons why we enjoyed visiting our favorite leather bar (the Baltimore Eagle) was that the main bartender was very nice to us and knew what we liked to drink (non-alcoholic beer for BB and a Coke for me) and had our drinks always refreshed without having to ask. Second, for us, there was no sexual tension. That is, we were not there to meet other men and leave with them to have sex. We had each other and were already committed to being monogamous. (For us, that decision was both being safe as well as being committed to one another.)

Leather bars in the ’90s often had a written or sometimes unstated but strongly-implied dress code. Men were required to wear a minimum of black leather on his legs (leather jeans or chaps), black boots, and usually a leather jacket or vest over a black t-shirt. That was the UoD (uniform of the day). Some guys would do more — leather chaps over leather jeans; leather vest over harness (for those with well-toned chests); “full” BLUF gear of a long-sleeved leather shirt & leather tie with skin-tight leather pants tucked into shiny tall black boots; or a replica motorcop uniform with the requisite tall patrol boots.

Tops wore a Muir Cap. Some of us who were not part of the Old Guard leather clubs that had stringent rules on who was allowed to wear such a cover wore one too. A guy in a Muir Cap presented a tough, masculine, “don’t mess with me” appearance.

These days, the dress codes have relaxed. Bars have morphed into “y’all come” types of places. The bar owners realized in the 2000s that their clientele were aging, they were not frequenting bars as much as they were (like BB and me) settling down and socializing less often. Going to a leather bar was somewhat of a hassle for those of us who lived in suburbs and did not like driving into the city or wearing fetish gear whilst riding public transit.

Bar owners deliberately relaxed the dress codes so they could appeal to a younger audience. The gay men of the X- and Millennial generations generally could not afford quality leather gear and many didn’t like it anyway. (Their fetishes changed to sports uniforms, rubber, and latex.) Most of the younger dudes only owned a pair of cheap black boots, if anything. Fewer and fewer gay men would buy or wear any other leather (exception: the requisite leather jacket). No chaps. No leather jeans. No full-on BLUF attire. No uniforms. The cost of good quality gear increased dramatically and rendered it unaffordable to younger guys working at entry-level pay. A good pair of chaps, leather jeans, or a pair of tall patrol boots we half a month’s rent (each!)

I could prattle on, but now that I have set the scene, here are my opinions for answers to the questions that I received:

Q. What would be the best leather outfit to wear in a leather bar as a first timer?

A. These days, you will do fine with black denim jeans, black boots, black t-shirt, and a black leather vest or jacket zipped open. That is about the minimum, but quite acceptable. If you can afford it, get a pair of good-quality leather chaps (not Pakistan-made junk). For more information and suggestions on where and what fetish leather gear to get, read my time-tested Fetish Leather Gear Guide.

Q. What should I expect to happen once I make an appearance at an all-men leather bar?

A. Not to burst your bubble, but most likely, you will be ignored. Don’t worry, though. Other guys are looking at you, even if they seem to be paying attention to others. Just relax, order a drink, and stand at or near the bar. Look around — don’t pace. Stand tall and look up. Men who are afraid or fearful look down and stare at their feet. No one will want to have anything to do with someone whose appearance is fearful and disengaged.

Most guys at a leather bar already know each other. Don’t be put off if it seems that everyone only talks to people they know and appear to be cliquish. A leather bar is like any other social gathering spot. People talk to people they know. If you are new, no one will talk to you simply because they don’t know you. They are not being cliquish, they are being human. Try talking to someone. I urge you to read my instructions on “How to act and behave like a Leatherman.” (This time, don’t be a guy who avoids instructions. Read these directions written by experienced men!)

Q. What goes from there?

A. Usually — again I hate to burst your bubble — but nothing happens. You may meet a guy and start to have a pleasant conversation. Then he will look at his sillyphone and respond to a text, disappearing into his electronic device and ignore you. That will happen more often than courtesy of the past would have accepted.

But sometimes, you will click with someone, taking a conversation to the next level, and agreeing to see each other again at a later time (that is, make a date) or sometimes (not often, but sometimes), go home with him. I cannot advise about that, never having met a man at a bar and gone home with him — but use good judgment and avoid situations that could pose serious risk. If a guy is high on drugs or drunk (or both), don’t go home with him or take him to your home. Don’t let your sex drive control your actions.

Generally, what “goes from there” is a choice to return. Over time, you will see the same guys again, and will become one of the regulars who is accepted among all others. If you continue to be outgoing, friendly, and sane, then eventually you will develop friendships that may lead to more. Just like in life — where you meet someone doesn’t mean that is the only life you or he will live. Take it from me — BB and I live a lifestyle of mutual respect, community contribution, financial stability, and very happily ensconced in the suburbs.

Life is short: read the instructions, gear up, stand tall, and have fun (safely.)